The Secret to Lasting Change: A Powerful Hope-Filled Shift from Rebellious to Responsible
What is the secret to lasting change for teens who feel trapped in survival mode?
In Episode 8 of the Not By Chance Podcast, Dr. Tim Thayne sits down with Kira Fanlow—a former “troubled teen” who has lived the journey firsthand.
Kira’s story is powerful because it includes every stage families recognize:
- years of emotional pain and spiraling
- repeated attempts to “fix it” at home
- crisis moments that push parents to the edge
- a breakthrough experience in treatment
- and the hard part most people don’t talk about: coming home and sustaining growth
This episode reveals the secret to lasting change by showing how one teen moved from rebellious to responsible through identity, structure, community, and meaningful support.
Kira’s Teen Years: “I Didn’t Feel at Home in Myself”
Kira explains that while she could list diagnoses and clinical labels, the real truth underneath was simple:
She didn’t feel safe inside her own mind and body.
Her baseline was painful—so she lived in survival mode.
That inner discomfort led to behaviors parents often find terrifying:
- self-harm
- suicidal thoughts
- running away
- black-and-white thinking
- emotional spirals from small triggers
She describes how even a slightly “off” text from a friend could send her into a collapse:
“No one likes me… I should just die.”
This is important because it shows something many parents need to hear:
✅ Some teens aren’t “choosing chaos.”
They’re trying to escape pain they don’t know how to hold.
When Talk Therapy Isn’t Enough (And Parents Feel Stuck)
Kira’s parents tried everything they could find:
- years of talk therapy
- medications
- CBT, DBT, EMDR
- an inpatient stay
But nothing created stability long-term.
And then came the moment many families recognize:
She came home from inpatient with a home contract…
and broke it spectacularly.
She cut school, took her mom’s new car, met someone she wasn’t allowed to see, crashed the car, and police called her mom.
It wasn’t “rebellion for fun.”
It was a teen in survival mode, acting out the pain she couldn’t regulate.
The Church Moment: A Parent’s Breaking Point
One of the most emotional moments in the story happens after the crash.
Kira’s mom takes her past a church and asks if they should go in.
Inside, her mom says:
“I prayed for you every day… I don’t know what to do anymore.”
Kira describes feeling hopeless—and praying for her life to end because she believed she only hurt the people she loved.
This moment matters because it captures what so many parents feel:
- fear
- grief
- exhaustion
- and the painful truth that love alone doesn’t fix what’s happening
And this is where the secret to lasting change begins to unfold…
Wilderness Therapy: The Turning Point That Changed Everything
A few weeks later, Kira went to wilderness therapy—and she calls it life-changing.
She explains why wilderness worked in two powerful ways:
1) It gave her a new reference point: peace
For the first time, she experienced what stability felt like.
Away from constant noise, stimulation, and pressure…
she discovered a baseline she didn’t even know was possible.
2) It created “counter-evidence” to her self-hatred
Kira had internal beliefs like:
- “I’m weak.”
- “I’m incapable.”
- “I’m worthless.”
But in wilderness, she did hard things and survived them.
That created what she describes as the opposite of helplessness:
✅ practiced competence
And practiced competence is a major part of the secret to lasting change—because confidence grows through evidence, not encouragement.
A Huge Parenting Lesson: Belief Works Better Than Frustration
Kira shares a powerful insight:
In wilderness, staff didn’t buy into her story that she was helpless.
They didn’t respond with frustration.
They responded with consistency and belief.
That made her want to rise.
She explains something many parents feel but don’t always know how to say:
Parents are often frustrated because they believe their teen can do better.
But when frustration becomes the dominant emotional tone…
teens don’t feel belief.
They feel rejection.
And wilderness helped her feel belief again.
Why Progress Often Falls Apart After Treatment
Kira shares a hard truth:
One of the biggest problems with wilderness is that it ends.
And when teens return home, they lose:
- consistent structure
- community reinforcement
- role-model identity
- daily accountability
- supportive culture
That’s why the secret to lasting change isn’t only the breakthrough…
…it’s how you continue the breakthrough.
This is also why Kira began creating peer support groups for young people leaving treatment—because teens need belonging to sustain growth.
The Hidden Need Teens Won’t Say Out Loud: Hierarchy Creates Safety
This part of the episode is gold for parents.
Kira talks about the word hierarchy—and how people often react negatively to it.
But her point is simple:
Teens need stable leadership at home (even if they fight it).
When teens push boundaries and parents give in repeatedly, teens get more freedom…
but they feel less safe.
Kira describes it like this:
- chaos met with chaos becomes dysfunction
- chaos met with stability becomes regulation
She explains that stable, predictable adults create a “safe relational field” that teens can start to co-regulate with.
That stability is a major part of the secret to lasting change.
Because safety isn’t just supervision.
Safety is emotional predictability.
The Manipulation Question (And the Honest Answer Parents Need)
Dr. Thayne asks something many parents wonder but rarely ask out loud:
When teens threaten self-harm during conflict…
is it manipulation?
Kira answers with nuance:
Yes, she knew it would affect her mom…
…but it wasn’t “fake.”
It was her attempt to feel control when she felt powerless inside herself.
She gives an example: melting down over a nose piercing.
Not because of jewelry…
but because she believed:
“This is the only way I can stop hating myself.”
This helps parents understand the deeper truth:
✅ Behavior often reflects survival mode—not simple defiance.
Why Treatment Works: Identity + Meaning + Community
Kira explains that treatment works when it helps teens embrace a new identity:
- capable
- competent
- whole
- meaningful
Wilderness, especially, helped her stop seeing herself as broken.
And one of the biggest “identity upgrades” teens experience in treatment is this:
being a role model and giving back
Kira says something extremely powerful:
Teens don’t just want to be loved…
they want somewhere for their love to go.
That’s a huge part of the secret to lasting change:
When teens become helpers, mentors, and role models…
they become responsible because responsibility now has meaning.
Ownership Wins: Why Teens Reject the Same Plan When Parents Present It
One of the best stories in the episode is about a teen who created her own plan:
- sleep routine
- friend boundaries
- no weed
- structure and goals
Then the parents sent a home contract…
…and she hated it.
Kira looked at it and said:
It was basically identical to her plan.
But teens often reject the same idea when parents deliver it because:
- independence matters more than safety in the moment
- control triggers resistance
- ownership triggers leadership
That’s why the secret to lasting change is not only what the plan says…
…it’s who owns it.
The Future: Helping Teens Create Their Own Transition Plans With AI
Dr. Thayne shares something exciting they’re building:
An AI tool that helps teens:
- think through what they want
- connect trust to freedom
- repair breaches of trust
- and create a plan they can present to parents
Kira agrees this is powerful because teens already use AI for planning and advice.
And more importantly:
A neutral messenger often works better than a parent in the teen brain.
This tool is designed to turn independence into healthy leadership…
and that might be one of the most scalable parts of the secret to lasting change moving forward.
Key Takeaways (Quick Summary)
If you only remember a few things, remember these:
- The secret to lasting change starts with identity shifts
- Wilderness helped rebuild peace and competence
- Teens need stable leadership (even when they fight it)
- Threats and intensity often come from survival mode
- Treatment works when it builds meaning + community
- Teens want to give back and become role models
- Transition success depends on ownership, not control
- AI tools may help teens author their own plans
FAQ
What is the secret to lasting change for teens?
The secret to lasting change is helping teens build a new identity, practice competence, find meaning and community, and take ownership of their growth—especially during transition home.
Why do teens act rebellious even when parents are trying to help?
Many teens are in survival mode. Rebellion can be an attempt to regain control over emotional pain, not simply disrespect or defiance.
How can parents help a teen go from rebellious to responsible?
By creating stability, consistent boundaries, emotional predictability, and a path where the teen earns trust and owns the plan forward.