Family Councils

Family meetings may be involved in one or more of the other topics we’ve presented to you, such as using a family calendar, planning a family vacation or activity, and scheduling family dinner or game nights. Your family meetings will be unique to you, but will need to follow some key guidelines to be effective.

Benefits

Holding family meetings regularly reinforces responsibility to family and enhances family identity. It creates the opportunity to build social skills, to respectfully exchange ideas, solve problems, and address needs or wants. It helps children understand the basics of living and working in a community.

Getting Started

Introduce the idea of family meetings to your children. Explain that family meetings can be used for a number of reasons (see list below).

Explain to them that family meetings will help you discuss topics and make plans in a way that is less reactive and more thoughtful.

Help them see how they will benefit from family meetings. For example, they will have an opportunity to discuss their ideas and concerns. As a parent you will be able to wait to discuss concerns with everyone instead of simply getting frustrated and yelling at the time the problem occurs.

Explain that family meetings will be as short as possible and will usually include some sort of dessert. It’s true that a “Spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down” (Mary Poppins).

Pick a night that can work for everyone on a regular basis, and try to stick to it. If there is nothing to discuss, simply have dessert and ask each family member how things are going in their lives.

Idea Bank

• Possible reasons/agenda items for family meetings
• Acknowledgments and celebrations of success.
• Planning family vacations.
• Reviewing and updating the family calendar.
• Requests for change (these include change of schedule, change of family pattern, change of current family policies or interactions, requests for reviews of family rules, etc.)
• Discussing ideas and plans for family activities.
• Discussing family chores or responsibilities.
• Discussing a specific issue that has become a concern. Create a plan to address the concern.
• Evaluating how a previously-agreed-upon plan is working.
• From the Coach’s Notebook

Many of the ideas and skills from the Solution Talk module will have a significant influence on helping family meetings be effective rather than turning into a family fight.

Prepare for the meeting.

Know the key points of the meeting beforehand and what your hopes or goals are for the meeting’s conclusion. Be sure you are unified as parents on the topics to be discussed. At times, invite others to prepare for the meeting by letting them know what the topic of discussion will be so they can think about it in advance.

Create and follow an agenda.

It is helpful to include positive topics in the agenda and to begin with those first (e.g., recognizing family members progress or accomplishments). This is especially helpful when concerns need to be brought up as well. In fact, wrapping up a meeting where concerns have been discussed could sound something like this: “Your mom and I just want to end by saying thanks for talking. We love you guys and appreciate everything you do to help strengthen our family.”

As you discuss each agenda item, let family members know what their role is (e.g., to give input, to help create solutions) For example, if it’s a situation where parents need to make the final decision but want children’s ideas, clarify this at the outset. This will help prevent confusion and disappointment.

For some topics, it can be extremely helpful to invite a member of the Home Team to the meeting. The mere presence of a guest will often influence the tone and progression of a meeting in a positive way.

Allow your children to add things to the family meeting agenda even if it is something that is unlikely to change as a result (“Changing the curfew”). Rather than refusing to discuss it, ask them to come to the meeting prepared to discuss their thoughts and feelings about the issue. As a parent, you should come to the meeting prepared to listen. Once you have listened to your teen and asked any questions that you might have, end the discussion by summarizing their points and then saying something like, “Thanks for taking the time to respectfully talk about this issue with us. That means a lot to us. We need some time to talk about your request together before we give you an answer. We’ll let you know by Thursday.”

Some family meetings are best held without everyone there. For example, if there is an issue with one child only that is best kept private from the other children, parents are encouraged to hold a meeting alone with that child.

The following are some conditions under which a private meeting might be best:

• If other siblings are unaware of the concern or problem.
• If you can’t discuss the topic without pointing a finger directly at the child who is primary concern?
• If the discussion isn’t something that everyone would benefit being involved in.
• If discussing the topic in front of others would embarrass the child?
• If the child with the issue is likely to be more defensive with others present.

Use your judgment. Some of these ideas can unintentionally make the family meeting feel rigid and formal. If you are worried about that, simply apply the principle without adapting the exact wording. (e.g., have a plan but don’t call it an agenda, and you can move through it casually).