Dr. Tim Thayne Presents:
Another aspect of managing emotions is learning how to calm yourself when you feel certain emotions beginning to well up inside you. You can probably identify times when anxiety, frustration, anger, or stress have gotten the best of you. Keeping these types of emotions from dominating a situation isn’t easy. Thankfully, as with any skill, you can learn and strengthen your ability to self-soothe. Doing so will help you avoid acting without thinking or saying things you will regret. It will improve your family relationships, friendships, and professional opportunities as well.
The following instance illustrates how emotions can lead parents to act ineffectively:
One father found his son viewing pornography on the computer-something that was against the family’s values and rules. Before his wife could stop him, he immediately reacted to his son’s behavior by yelling at him and telling him how much of a problem he was. The son got angry, shut down, and the father left the room.
The dad’s concern and frustration over the son’s behavior is understandable, even appropriate. But letting his emotions fuel a reactive attack on his son only moved him further away from the solution he wanted. His reflex-like response triggered his son’s defensive stance and his wife’s frustration.
In the following example self-soothing would have helped a parent avoid extreme behavior:
When Sara returned home from the wilderness program, one of her requests was to be able to have some space when she needed it. She explained that in the past whenever her mom could tell something was wrong, she would press Sara to talk about it. Her mom agreed to honor this request. Two weeks later something happened that irritated Sara and she went straight to her room. Her mom followed her and tried to talk with her through her door. The more Sara pulled away, the more anxious her mom became, apparently unable to handle the idea that Sara might be mad at her. Finally, her anxiety took complete control. She went to the garage, found the baseball bat and proceeded to break the window to her daughter’s bedroom.
Take a moment to identify a time when you allowed your emotions to take over a situation. What were your emotions? What was the outcome?
Self-soothing is more than not reacting in the heat of the moment. It goes beyond simply restraining the emotions. It’s the ability to actually calm or de-intensify the emotion. Remember the story of Kim and Liz told in the introduction, where the mother became depressed as her daughter became more independent. Kim needed to find a way to soothe her feelings of depression that surfaced whenever she would have a fight with her daughter.
We’ve been discussing what a valuable skill self-soothing is. We’d like to show you five avenues for improving your ability to self-soothe. Choose one of the links below to start:
Identify and challenge the thoughts behind your emotions
Tap into your body’s ability to influence your emotions
Increase your empathy for others
Expand your parenting knowledge and skills
Put things into perspective
Just as thoughts and beliefs influence our confidence as a parent, they also play a part in our ability to self-soothe. Kim believed her daughter’s increased desire for independence and space meant her daughter didn’t love her any more. Odds are that a more accurate belief is that her daughter’s growing independence and relationships outside the family are simply a normal and important part of growing up.
Interestingly, our feelings tend sneak up on us and it’s not always clear where they are coming from. Most likely the process began with a thought or belief. You can begin to soothe troubled feelings by looking for the thought behind the emotion. For example, Kim likely found herself feeling depressed without even being aware of her belief (“My daughter doesn’t love me anymore.”). Recognizing she is feeling depressed, she can begin to think about why. Once she is able bring the thought or belief “out into the open,” she can question or evaluate whether it is accurate or not. This is called “challenging” the belief.
Sometimes when you challenge a belief, you will not be able to determine whether it is “accurate” or not. If this is the case, it can be more useful to ask the following question: “Does my belief help me handle this situation well?” If the answer is “no,” we suggest you work to replace the belief with a more helpful belief.
In our work with families, we have identified common beliefs that tend to intensify a parent’s emotional response. We have also found that in most cases, these beliefs are not only unhelpful, but they inaccurately describe what is really going on. As you read through the list, try to identify those beliefs that have made it difficult for you to remain calm. Keep in mind, your goal in the future will be to recognize these “thinking traps” when you fall into them and replace them with more accurate or helpful beliefs.
Beliefs about teens:
The unhelpful belief
“My daughter doesn’t need me.”
“He’s just doing that to make me mad.”
A more helpful, calming thought
“My daughter is learning to be independent, a necessary part of becoming an adult.”
“He’s probably doing that because it has typically gotten him what he wants.”
Beliefs about conflict and trouble:
The unhelpful belief
“Disagreements are bad.”
“If my children get mad at me, I must not be a good parent.”
A more helpful, calming thought
“Disagreements are a normal part of relationships.”
“Sometimes being a good parent means making decisions my children won’t like.”
In addition to unhelpful beliefs, there are also some prevalent “thinking errors” which intensify unpleasant emotions, making it very difficult to self-soothe. These are discussed below. We encourage you to consider the following discussion on thinking errors carefully and reread it from time to time. Chances are, if you’ve gotten sucked into one of these thinking errors, it’s going to take some effort to break free from it.
This phrase is used to describe the tendency some people have to only see the negative behaviors or negative facts in a situation. Over time their thoughts become more and more critical of the person or the situation they are observing. Although exceptions to the negative may exist, they prevent themselves from acknowledging it. The more they see the negative and filter out the positive, the more intense their unpleasant emotions become and the less capable they are of self-soothing.
John was frustrated at his son for consistently not turning in his homework. When talking with the others, he would sometimes refer to his son as a “lazy dumb ***.” Interestingly, his son was very involved in football. In addition to regular practices, his son lifted weights daily at home or at the gym. John had to filter this evidence in order to maintain the belief that his son was lazy. The more he filtered the positive and focused on the negative, the angrier he became. The angrier he became the less self-control he had in handling the situation.
Although JoAnn was into drugs, was deceptive with her parents, and had other problems, she did still enjoy having fun silly moments with her younger brother. She’d shoot soccer balls with him in the back yard and make snacks together with him. Her parents were so focused on the problems that they didn’t notice, enjoy, or comment on this positive side of her family relationships.
Those who fall into this trap tend to make assumptions about what someone else is thinking and what their intentions are. They often feel judged by others. Instead of checking their assumptions, they tend to act on them. Because their assumptions tend to be pessimistic in nature, they fuel unpleasant feelings and stifle any attempts to self-soothe. In addition, mind reading prevents parents from being curious and tentative so they can expand their understanding of their teen and the situation.
Jason’s dad invited him to go skeet shooting, but Jason told his dad he couldn’t go because he had to help his friend, Brad. The parents assumed Jason was avoiding them and didn’t want to spend time with his dad. They began to fear he was slipping back into old behaviors. In actuality, it turned out that Jason had committed to cover for Brad at work while Brad took his driver’s license test.
Suzanne told her parents she wanted to change high schools. Her parents thought it was because she wasn’t doing very well in several of her classes, and that she was just trying to take the easy way out instead of face up to the work that she needed to do to raise her grades. As it turns out, Suzanne felt one of her teachers was making passes at her. She was uncomfortable and afraid.
This term is used to describe the tendency for people to imagine and expect the worst-case scenario to happen. Catastrophizing can flood a person with immense fear, making it almost impossible to self-soothe. This is partly due to the fact that the mind itself has a hard time distinguishing between fantasy and reality. So when a person imagines and thinks about the worst-case scenario, the body tends to respond as if it’s going to happen – increased heart rate, shallow breathing, etc.
John’s quit his second job! I doubt he’ll ever have what it takes to support himself.
Sam’s still not home! I’m sure something awful has happened!
This thinking error has two extremes. The first is that “I have no control over what happens.” The second is that I control and am responsible for what happens to others in my life.
No control:
“Nothing we do will ever make a difference!”
“Boys will ‘sow their wild oats’ no matter what parents say.”
“By the time they’re teenagers, a parent’s influence is gone and the friends are all they care about.”
I’m responsible for others:
“It’s because we didn’t do X that our teen is failing.”
“I’ve got to make sure my teen gets better grades this semester.”
“If I don’t give my son the money for a car, he might drop out of school to get a job and pay for one, and it will be my fault.”
When people fall into this thinking trap, they tend to take personally everything that others do. They assume many of others’ actions are done in reaction to them. The typical emotional responses to this are shame, worry, rejection, loneliness and eventual distrust of others.
Sara went to her room right after school. Her mom assumed it was because she offended her by saying hello in front of her friends. In reality, Sara was bummed because her friends didn’t ask her to do anything this weekend and she just felt like being alone.
Matt wasn’t open or friendly with Jim, his new stepdad. Jim figured Matt didn’t care about forming a relationship with him or just didn’t like him. He felt discouraged and rejected. In actuality Matt liked Jim in some ways but was confused about dividing his loyalty between Jim and his biological dad.
As you become more aware of your thoughts and beliefs, you will be able to identify those that lead to unpleasant emotions and reactive behaviors. You can then begin to let go of those thoughts and beliefs that are unhelpful or inaccurate. Here are some specific strategies for dealing with unhelpful or inaccurate thoughts and beliefs:
Replace the thought with one that is more reality-based. Some people find it helpful to consciously form the “better” thought into words. Silent self-talk can be calming. For example, a mom goes to her room after an argument with her daughter. In her mind, she says “Just because she is angry that doesn’t mean it’s all about me.”
When the thought becomes conscious, mentally say “Stop!” For example, the thought comes “I am a lousy parent.” Instead of exploring that negative and damaging thought, say to yourself, “STOP!”
Drive the thought out by thinking of something entirely different—a new thought, a pleasant visual image or memory, a song, or a poem.
Sources:
1) These concepts have been identified by authors David Burns, Albert Ellis, Aaron Beck, and others. Although exact labels of the concepts may vary, they are commonly discussed in basic psychology literature.
Recent advances in health sciences have revealed the strong connection between our physical and emotional health. There are several things we can do physically that have power to calm our emotions.
It’s common for people to find themselves in stressful and frustrating situations or conversations. During moments like this, many people tend to slip into shallow and/or rapid breathing. This type of breathing takes in less oxygen and as a result affects your body and mind in negative ways, including impeding your ability to think clearly. Sometimes, taking three deep and steady breathes is enough to help your body and mind calm down, allowing you to stay calm without leaving the situation.
While it is sometimes necessary to be able to self-soothe in the moment, there are other times when it is best to take a break from the situation and find ways to calm down. One way to do this is to release stress and tension through physical exercise. This can release built up stress as well as generate endorphins and neurotransmitters (e.g., dopamine) which play a critical role in your body’s energy level and the presence of pleasant emotions.
While taking a break to exercise or in other ways calm down is useful, all that can be undermined if your mind stays focused on critical or vengeful thoughts, rehearsing and building on them. For more ideas about how to take effective breaks, click here.
Lifestyle changes make for a more broad and preventative approach to self-soothing. For example, regular physical exercise (along with sufficient sleep) will produce the effects on emotions described above, but on a more continual basis. With more energy and a more pleasant overall mood, you will find yourself less prone to feelings of irritability, frustration, and other unpleasant emotions we have been discussing.
In addition, accessing other relaxation techniques such as yoga, regular quiet time, or even playing calming music in your home can also boost your ability to handle life’s challenges.
One source (www.dbtselfhelp.com) gives these ideas for using your five senses as a way to self-soothe:
With VISION:
Walk in a pretty part of town. Look at the nature around you. Go to a museum with beautiful art. Buy a flower and put it where you can see it. Sit in a garden. Watch the snowflakes decorate the trees during a snowfall. Light a candle and watch the flame. Look at a book with beautiful scenery or beautiful art. Watch a travel movie or video.
With HEARING:
Listen to beautiful or soothing music, or to tapes of the ocean or other sounds of nature. Listen to a baby gurgling or a small animal. Sit by a waterfall. Listen to someone chopping wood. When you are listening, be mindful, letting the sounds come and go.
With SMELL:
Smell breakfast being cooked at home or in a restaurant. Notice all the different smells around you. Walk in a garden or in the woods, maybe just after a rain, and breathe in the smells of nature. Light a scented candle or incense. Bake some bread or a cake, and take in all the smells.
With TASTE:
Have a special treat, and eat it slowly, savoring each bite. Cook a favorite meal. Drink a soothing drink like herbal tea or hot chocolate. Let the taste run over your tongue and slowly down your throat. Go to a potluck, and eat a little bit of each dish, mindfully tasting each new thing.
With TOUCH:
Take a bubble bath. Pet your dog or cat or cuddle a baby. Put on a silk shirt shirt or blouse, and feel its softness and smoothness. Sink into a really comfortable bed. Float or swim in a pool, and feel the water caress your body.
Having empathy for others not only can help us calm down when we are upset, but it can also actually create different emotions in us altogether. Empathy helps us see the other person in a different light. Seeing them differently, we actually feel different. Empathy invites us to understand what things must be like for them rather than concentrating on how much what they are doing is bothering us. Empathy is a more powerful aid when it already exists within us before we get into the conversation with the person we may be frustrated with.
Even in the midst of your teen’s offensive behaviors, with effort you can begin to see beyond the problem and speculate about what difficulties and weaknesses he may be dealing with.
One FBI hostage negotiator was asked how he can talk with hostage-takers who are threatening to kill others. He responded, “It’s quite simple. Before I begin, I find a place where I can be alone and think about the hostage taker. When I feel myself having compassion for the person, I know I’m ready.”
“What pains and challenges could my teen be experiencing?”
“In what ways am I making his/her life more challenging?”
While it’s possible to increase empathy for our children on the spot during a conversation, we can also build up a reservoir of empathy for our children. This is best achieved through ongoing efforts to get inside their world – not inappropriate efforts like trying to be a pal with their friends – but efforts to deepen your sense of what their life is like. Go to school events that parents are invited to, like “back-to-school” parents’ night. Your teen may not want to sit by you or spend the time there with you – that’s ok, you can still be learning. Think to yourself, “What might it be like for my teen to walk these halls, to attend this class, to eat lunch in this cafeteria?”
Find opportunities to listen to your teen – just listen. Leave advice and judgment at the door. Your whole aim is to come to know your child better. You don’t need a clinician’s skill – just the real desire to know this person better. Sometimes it works best when you are slightly involved in something else – fixing food in the kitchen, driving in the car together, or working in the yard. Teens are often more comfortable talking when they have something else to do that allows them to avoid eye contact.
Talk about subjects other than their behaviors that concern you. Just talk casually and ask questions in an interested but not prying or “investigative” mode. Ask yourself what you would genuinely like to understand better about your teen. Don’t use these times to “get to the bottom of the trouble,” or your teen will feel your interest is just a tool.
One father and son were distant and the father was distressed over his son’s alcohol addiction and lack of honesty in their relationship. But the dad was interested in the son’s part-time job and in his music, and they were able to talk on these topics. This gave the dad a small window into his son’s life and allowed him to think of his son as more than just “an addict.” It helped him be able to look at his son’s situation in a little more matter-of-fact way and took some of the tension out of their interactions.
I remember one day sitting down to work with my 6-year-old son on his math homework. His first grade teacher had noted that he was struggling with subtraction and suggested we spend some extra time helping him at home. It didn’t take long before I found myself getting frustrated, not knowing how to teach math to a beginner student. In the midst of my frustration, I remembered the following quote a friend of mine had shared with me about horseback riding:
“The rider’s patience and knowledge run out at the same time. Once you know that, the next time you find yourself losing your patience with a horse, a little voice goes off in the back of your head saying, ‘You know what? You’re just frustrated because you don’t know what to do with this.” (Mark Schaffer, Dressage instructor)
Like this father, many of us have parenting moments when our patience has run out because our knowledge of how to handle the situation isn’t yet adequate. At such times it’s wise to seek knowledge and skills from the resources around us. The effort you are making to use this parent library is a good step. You may also go to a spouse, neighbor, friend, other parents, or a good parenting book. Being in a parenting group or working with a Homeward Bound transition coach or other professional can also help.
Who in your life can you talk to if you are in need of parenting ideas?
When we find ourselves in the midst of a frustrating situation, it is easy to take on a microscopic view of the situation. Like lowering our face and looking through a microscope, problems that we’re focused on seem “larger” than they really are and the bigger picture is lost. As a result, we are more prone to fall into thinking errors such as filtering out the positive or catastrophizing. When this happens, our emotional boiling point tends to lower and we find ourselves losing our ability to self-soothe. So it’s useful to periodically step back and take a broader look at our lives and families as a whole. This can help relieve some of the tension that comes from remaining overly zeroed in on our problems.
While it’s important to be able to soothe our own upset emotions, we don’t want to play into the expectation that we or our children should not have to experience bad feelings at all. Life will have its bad days. We need to accept that sometimes in life we will have unpleasant emotions. We can soothe ourselves to keep from being overly distraught and on edge, but there’s a certain amount of emotion that we just need to have patience with, and learn to ride it out. It is important to allow ourselves and our children to experience the normal range of emotions without thinking that it’s terrible.
In fact, the idea that we should be able to totally get rid of unpleasant emotions is a belief that can lead to “addictive thinking.” It goes like this: “When I feel bad I should be able to make it go away quickly.” That’s when the addiction seed is planted. Then alcohol, drugs, shopping, pornography, gambling, etc. become a way of making unpleasant emotions disappear.
Each of us needs people in our lives who can help us lift our eye from the microscope and put things in perspective.
Once a man who had been slandered by a newspaper came to Edward Everett Hale asking what to do about it. Said Hale, “Do nothing. Half the people who bought the paper never saw the article. Half of those who saw it did not read it. Half of those who read it did not understand it. Half of those who understood it did not believe it. Half of those who believed it are of no account anyway. ~ Source unknown
Dr. Tim Thayne Presents:
Mike is one of those brilliant, self-taught, back end developers that you always hear about. As a youth he could trust that “My mother would love me no matter what . . .” When he isn’t cranking out new code, Mike keeps up on the newest technologies and every Tuesday and Thursday nights he trains SpeedSoft with his team.
Rafael has his degree in Marketing and Advertising and years of experience with our dev team. As a teen he could trust that “The most important thing in life is love, and the most valuable things are our family and friends.” When he isn’t working on making the website and mobile versions of Trustyy seamless and functional, he unwinds by exploring nature. His favorite activities are climbing mountains, camping, going to the beach, swimming, playing the harmonica and always learning new things.
Afton’s experience is in marketing and bookkeeping. As a teen she could trust that with her parents “Feeding the horses and milking the cow each day before school–not after–was a must.” When she isn’t busy with keeping Trustyy’s lights on, you’ll usually find her baking up a new treat or working on a sewing project.
Nicoli has a degree in Multimedia Production. She has worked with our team of developers for three years. She learned to trust her own parents when they taught her “Things won’t come easy and that working hard will bring me great blessings!” When she isn’t putting together beautiful marketing pieces for the Trustyy App she likes to take pictures, play the guitar, piano, and drums, and meet up with her family to laugh over the silly things they did as kids.
Adriano is certified in Analysis and Systems Development. In his family he could trust the fact that “One difficult experience teaches me that failure is not the end, but rather an opportunity for growth and learning.” When he is away from his work in making sure the Trustyy App buttons and bells and whistles are working properly, he likes to go to the gym, to the beach to surf, on walks with his dog, or go out with his girlfriend.
Lucas’s work experience is in User Experience, Interface Design and Product Management. As a teen he could trust that “In my home honesty was highly valued and lying was not tolerated.” When he isn’t at work making sure the Trustyy App is easy on the eyes, Lucas likes hiking, gaming, going out for dinner, and spending time with family.
Cadu has his education in Analysis and System Development. While growing up he could always trust that “My parents would be there to support from playing soccer at the park to learning to ride a bike.” When he isn’t making sure things are easily navigated for our Trustyy App users, he likes to play beach soccer and enjoy music of any type, but specifically rock, country, R&B, and pop.
Mike is one of those brilliant, self-taught, back-end developers that you always hear about. As a youth he could trust that “My mother would love me no matter what.” When he isn’t cranking out new code, Mike keeps up on the newest technologies and every Tuesday and Thursday nights he trains SpeedSoft with his team.
Roxanne received her bachelor’s degree in history and secondary education. She has worked in publishing and marketing for the past 14 years. In her family Roxanne says she could trust that “Her grammar and posture would be consistently corrected, to help her to become a lady.” When she isn’t busy writing and beautifying things for the Trustyy App, you can find her reading biographies, practicing yoga, or gathering the family to talk business, celebrate wins or just plain hang out.
Sidney has a bachelor’s degree in Web Development and has worked in technology for 16 years, building apps for the last 10 years. Growing up he could trust that “It was always expected that I would fix anything related to technology.” When he isn’t managing the development of the Trustyy App, you will find him spending time with his wife and kids. He loves to make Brazillian BBQ with his family.
Jim has a degree in Design and over 25 years of experience creating SaaS products and managing talented product and development teams. In his years at home as the oldest of five he could trust that “Each child got a weekly ‘night-up’ where we got to stay up late with a parent and do anything we wanted with them.” When he isn’t looking 10 miles down the road for what will come next on the Trustyy App, you will find Jim canyoneering, doing photography, watercolor painting, or keeping up on the latest gadgets and technologies.
Eric earned his degree in Communications, Public Relations and Advertising, then added on an MBA. He says he could trust that “His parents were honest people who kept their commitments–especially to their kids.” When Eric isn’t keeping everyone at Trustyy on task, he is an outdoor enthusiast, year around, rain or shine, cold or hot, with biking in the summer and skiing in the winter.
Tim earned masters and doctoral degrees in Marriage and Family Therapy, and has 30 years of experience working with families. While growing up Tim says he could trust that “My mother would love me no matter what, and that my dad would require that I respect my mother.” When he isn’t busy guiding the vision for the Trustyy App, you can find Tim working around the house and yard, taking care of his sheep, dogs and horses, or enjoying a game of Corn Hole with the family.
