Dr. Tim Thayne Presents:
You are probably all too familiar with how much power friends can have over your son or daughter. Many parents have shared with us how frustrated and powerless they felt as they watched their child’s friends pull them further away from their family and deeper into academic, social, and even legal problems. This is an extremely frustrating experience which leaves parents feeling powerless and discouraged.
On the other hand, you may be the parent who wishes your teen would be more social. Your concerns might be more around isolating behavior and depressed moods. Instead of being concerned with how to stop misbehavior, your struggles are likely around trying to encourage positive behaviors that don’t involve the computer or video games.
Regardless of your teen’s tendencies, there is something you can do/create to help your teen. It’s called the Home Team. The Home Team can be explained in two ways. First, the Home Team can be defined as a group of individuals who care about your teen and family and who agree to play a role in helping your teen and family succeed. Examples of people who are often part of a Home Team include family, friends, neighbors, coaches, teachers, and other professionals.
The Home Team can also be described as a strategy or even a way of thinking. Parents who adopt a Home Team mentality find that they are no longer alone. Instead, when challenges arise, they ask themselves questions such as, “Who can I talk to about ideas for how to handle this situation?”, “Is there anyone who might be able to talk to our son and provide encouragement?” or “In what ways could we involve members of our Home Team as we work to overcome this challenge?”
In this module, we will share with you stories and ideas for how you can put together and tap into your own Home Team.
It’s interesting to consider the changes that have taken place over the last 100 years of American history. Advances in medicine and technology have drastically changed our culture. In some ways these changes have been for the good; but in other ways our apparent progress has left behind important cultural treasures. Take, for example, the level of connectedness in America. While technology has given us so many more ways to connect, we have ironically become more and more disconnected from our communities. While extended family tended to remain geographically close to each other, now they are often scattered all over the country. As a result, parents are operating more and more independently in their efforts to raise their children.
Contrast this phenomenon to the culture illustrated in the following story:
On a warm, breezy day in Rome, Italy, a group of boys were playing soccer in the middle of the piazza. Surrounding them were people from the community enjoying their food and each other’s companionship. Suddenly, one of the boys kneed another player in the groin. Instantly, half a dozen men who saw the incident jumped from their tables and rushed to intervene. The one boy was corrected, the other consoled, and the game continued.
Now, imagine what might have been different if the incident had taken place in an average neighborhood in America. If the incident had been noticed at all, it is unlikely that anyone would have intervened. Rather, some would have criticized, others would have laughed, and many would have looked to see if this boy’s parents were around to address the problem. The hurt boy would have likely walked to the side, where eventually a caring adult might have asked if he were okay. The offending boy, on the other hand, would most likely have gone on playing, not confronted or corrected.
So what is it that made the difference. In many ways, it boils down to one thing – permission. The adults in Rome knew that the parents of the boys would expect something to be done in response to the misbehavior. Now, the parents had likely never given this permission implicitly, but in the culture of that town, there is implicit permission given for everyone to help raise the town’s youth. On the other hand, in American culture, the implicit message tends to be, “Mind your own business.”
When parents make the effort to put together a Home Team, they are essentially giving permission for those individuals to be a positive influence on their family, and especially on their teen. We have found that many times people want to help but they are afraid of being perceived as intrusive or judgemental. At other times, they are willing to reach out but aren’t sure what to do. In both cases, parents are the key to unlocking and directing the support needed by their teen and family.
Although most parents are initially nervous to invite others to be part of their Home Team, our experience has taught us time and again that once parents take those initial first steps, they quickly realize the power of the Home Team. The following quote from a parent echoes the sentiments of countless other parents:
“Although we were very hesitant to put together a Home Team, we found it to be one of the best things we did. As we sat with the Home Team in our home, we realized – in a way we never had before – how much these people cared about us. It has really helped us not feel so alone in this experience.” Crystal – Tennessee
“Through the Home Team, parents can increase their influence in the areas which they are most concerned – friends, school, drugs/alcohol, and attitude. The following stories are just a few examples of how Home Teams have made a difference in these areas.”
“Before being going away to a treatment program, our daughter Amber interacted with a fairly negative peer group. While she was away, we identified some peers we felt would be a good influence (from church, neighbors, etc.) and who we hoped could become her support system. Some of these girls were friends of Amber before she started hanging out with the more troubled teens.”
“The girls all came to our first Home Team gathering that our Homeward Bound transition coach helped us to organize. They were supportive and outspoken in their feelings and commitment to Amber, and they’ve made many efforts to have her connect with them and their peers. They’ve also appropriately held her accountable for her goals. Fortunately, Amber was receptive to their efforts and spent a majority of her ‘free’ time with these girls.”
“In the past I tried to encourage Sean to make good choices and then I’d just have to sit back and let it go. Now that I’m on his Home Team, I feel like I can go one step further. I’ll look Sean in the eye & tell him what he needs to do now. I’ve seen a drastic change in him at school. He is there every day now. He used to skip out of school all the time.” (16-year-old friend of the teen)
“Our son was really struggling at home, trying to fit into a new school. He struggled to find good peers but had great adult mentors on our Home Team that he felt comfortable with and could confide in. Our son did use drugs and alcohol after returning home, but thankfully he was able to confide in an adult member of our Home Team about his relapse. She encouraged him to share it with us as parents. She also let him know that if he did not, she would. He ultimately shared it in a Home Team gathering with a lot of people present. This act of courage allowed the team to find ways to help him get back on track.”
“After about a month of being home, our son began to be more and more defiant and unreachable at least to us, his parents. So we decided to call a member of our Home Team for help. We called the father of one of his long-time friends. The father offered to go by after school and talk with our son. He did so the next day and we noticed a dramatic change in our son’s attitude that very day. Sometimes it’s not so much the message that counts but the person who delivers it.”
The ideas presented in this module will help you create and make the most of your Home Team.
Watch this amazing footage of the adventure of a Home Team in nature. Consider what they are able to do when they unite together with courage and determination to help one of their young.
Listen carefully to the comments of the people near the camera. Note their initial doubts in comparison to the actual outcome.
Dr. Tim Thayne Presents:
Mike is one of those brilliant, self-taught, back end developers that you always hear about. As a youth he could trust that “My mother would love me no matter what . . .” When he isn’t cranking out new code, Mike keeps up on the newest technologies and every Tuesday and Thursday nights he trains SpeedSoft with his team.
Rafael has his degree in Marketing and Advertising and years of experience with our dev team. As a teen he could trust that “The most important thing in life is love, and the most valuable things are our family and friends.” When he isn’t working on making the website and mobile versions of Trustyy seamless and functional, he unwinds by exploring nature. His favorite activities are climbing mountains, camping, going to the beach, swimming, playing the harmonica and always learning new things.
Afton’s experience is in marketing and bookkeeping. As a teen she could trust that with her parents “Feeding the horses and milking the cow each day before school–not after–was a must.” When she isn’t busy with keeping Trustyy’s lights on, you’ll usually find her baking up a new treat or working on a sewing project.
Nicoli has a degree in Multimedia Production. She has worked with our team of developers for three years. She learned to trust her own parents when they taught her “Things won’t come easy and that working hard will bring me great blessings!” When she isn’t putting together beautiful marketing pieces for the Trustyy App she likes to take pictures, play the guitar, piano, and drums, and meet up with her family to laugh over the silly things they did as kids.
Adriano is certified in Analysis and Systems Development. In his family he could trust the fact that “One difficult experience teaches me that failure is not the end, but rather an opportunity for growth and learning.” When he is away from his work in making sure the Trustyy App buttons and bells and whistles are working properly, he likes to go to the gym, to the beach to surf, on walks with his dog, or go out with his girlfriend.
Lucas’s work experience is in User Experience, Interface Design and Product Management. As a teen he could trust that “In my home honesty was highly valued and lying was not tolerated.” When he isn’t at work making sure the Trustyy App is easy on the eyes, Lucas likes hiking, gaming, going out for dinner, and spending time with family.
Cadu has his education in Analysis and System Development. While growing up he could always trust that “My parents would be there to support from playing soccer at the park to learning to ride a bike.” When he isn’t making sure things are easily navigated for our Trustyy App users, he likes to play beach soccer and enjoy music of any type, but specifically rock, country, R&B, and pop.
Mike is one of those brilliant, self-taught, back-end developers that you always hear about. As a youth he could trust that “My mother would love me no matter what.” When he isn’t cranking out new code, Mike keeps up on the newest technologies and every Tuesday and Thursday nights he trains SpeedSoft with his team.
Roxanne received her bachelor’s degree in history and secondary education. She has worked in publishing and marketing for the past 14 years. In her family Roxanne says she could trust that “Her grammar and posture would be consistently corrected, to help her to become a lady.” When she isn’t busy writing and beautifying things for the Trustyy App, you can find her reading biographies, practicing yoga, or gathering the family to talk business, celebrate wins or just plain hang out.
Sidney has a bachelor’s degree in Web Development and has worked in technology for 16 years, building apps for the last 10 years. Growing up he could trust that “It was always expected that I would fix anything related to technology.” When he isn’t managing the development of the Trustyy App, you will find him spending time with his wife and kids. He loves to make Brazillian BBQ with his family.
Jim has a degree in Design and over 25 years of experience creating SaaS products and managing talented product and development teams. In his years at home as the oldest of five he could trust that “Each child got a weekly ‘night-up’ where we got to stay up late with a parent and do anything we wanted with them.” When he isn’t looking 10 miles down the road for what will come next on the Trustyy App, you will find Jim canyoneering, doing photography, watercolor painting, or keeping up on the latest gadgets and technologies.
Eric earned his degree in Communications, Public Relations and Advertising, then added on an MBA. He says he could trust that “His parents were honest people who kept their commitments–especially to their kids.” When Eric isn’t keeping everyone at Trustyy on task, he is an outdoor enthusiast, year around, rain or shine, cold or hot, with biking in the summer and skiing in the winter.
Tim earned masters and doctoral degrees in Marriage and Family Therapy, and has 30 years of experience working with families. While growing up Tim says he could trust that “My mother would love me no matter what, and that my dad would require that I respect my mother.” When he isn’t busy guiding the vision for the Trustyy App, you can find Tim working around the house and yard, taking care of his sheep, dogs and horses, or enjoying a game of Corn Hole with the family.
