Teen Employment After Treatment: 7 Powerful, Positive Steps to Set Teens Up for Success
When a teen comes home from treatment, families often focus on therapy schedules, school plans, and rebuilding trust. But there’s another step that can dramatically increase stability: teen employment after treatment.
In this episode of the Not By Chance podcast, Dr. Tim Thayne is joined by Roger Knecht (President of Universal Accounting Center) to talk about why work matters—not as a “perfect career move,” but as a practical way to build momentum, structure, and confidence.
One of the most important reminders: don’t wait for the “ideal” job. The goal is to help your teen re-enter real life with a manageable responsibility that builds skills they’ll use forever.
Why teen employment after treatment matters
Work can offer something many teens desperately need after a highly structured environment: momentum.
A job can help your teen:
rebuild confidence through small wins
practice consistency and accountability
develop communication skills with adults
experience healthy structure outside the home
feel respected and needed (which can be deeply motivating)
And it’s not about status—it’s about progress.
7 Powerful, Positive Steps for teen employment after treatment
1) Start with “fit,” not “perfect”
Before searching job listings, identify what environment your teen is most likely to succeed in:
Independent work vs. team-based work
Customer-facing (front office) vs. behind-the-scenes (back office)
Even if the job isn’t their dream, matching the environment to their strengths makes success more likely.
2) Aim for “a job,” not “the job”
Many teens (and honestly, many adults) get stuck waiting for the ideal situation. But after treatment, the biggest win is movement: getting into a routine, showing up, learning to interact with coworkers, and building proof that “I can do hard things.”
That’s why teen employment after treatment should often prioritize a simple, realistic first step.
3) Use part-time as the “Goldilocks” starting point
Families worry about overwhelming a teen too fast—or enabling by asking too little. One practical middle path is part-time work.
Part-time work can:
create structure without overload
help a teen practice responsibility gradually
give parents room to support without taking over
4) Don’t “helicopter” the workplace
A key skill for adulthood is having your own voice:
If your teen is sick, they call in.
If your teen needs time off, they request it.
If there’s confusion about expectations, they communicate.
This isn’t about being harsh—it’s about helping them build independence in a real-world setting.
5) Train for the interview like it’s a life skill
Interview success is not luck. It’s preparation. This episode highlights simple basics that often get overlooked:
hygiene and first impression
eye contact and posture
a confident handshake
staying on-topic and avoiding one-word answers
reading the job description and understanding the role
These small details can dramatically increase the chances of getting hired—especially for a teen who is building confidence after treatment.
6) Stand out by asking for a tour
A simple way to separate your teen from other applicants: ask to see where they would work and who they might work with. It shows genuine interest and helps them visualize the role.
This is a powerful, positive strategy because it’s proactive—but not pushy.
7) Win the “after interview” moment
Most applicants stop when the interview ends. But a short follow-up can change everything:
a thank-you email or note
a brief message reiterating interest
a simple gesture that shows professionalism and gratitude
It’s one of the easiest ways to stand out in entry-level hiring.
A practical way to add teen employment after treatment into your transition plan
A great idea discussed in this episode: include “getting a job” directly in the transition plan—and let your teen help define what that commitment should look like.
When teens feel ownership, follow-through becomes more likely.
Quick checklist (parents can screenshot this)
Teen Employment After Treatment – Starter Checklist
Pick the right environment (team/solo, front/back office)
Start part-time if needed
Let your teen communicate with the employer directly
Practice interview basics (hygiene, eye contact, handshake)
Research the company for 5 minutes before the interview
Ask for a quick tour
Send a thank-you follow-up
FAQ
What if my teen says they “don’t care” about working?
Start smaller: “Let’s do one interview,” or “Let’s try a part-time shift.” The goal is momentum. Teen employment after treatment is often about rebuilding identity and confidence, not forcing a long-term career plan.
How long should my teen stay at their first job?
If it’s safe and reasonable, encourage commitment long enough to build stability and a track record. This helps future employers trust them and helps your teen trust themselves.
What if my teen can’t get hired right away?
Normalize it. Interviewing is a skill. Their “first job” can be applying and interviewing until something lands.
Moments That Matter: The Powerful Positive Guide to Family Traditions Your Teen Will Remember
Family traditions your teen will remember don’t need to be fancy. In Episode 18, Dr. Tim Thayne and Roxanne Thayne explain that repeated rituals—meals, stories, service, and simple “patterns with meaning”—build belonging, increase life satisfaction, and can even reduce depressive symptoms in teens.
If your family feels busy, stressed, or fragmented, traditions can feel like “extra work.”
But in Episode 18 of the Not By Chance Podcast, Tim and Roxanne make a powerful case:
Traditions aren’t fluff. They’re a science-backed way to build resilience, belonging, and connection—especially with teenagers.
This episode is timely (recorded right before Thanksgiving) and filled with practical ideas you can implement immediately—whether your teen is at home, away at treatment, or returning from a hard season.
Why Family Traditions Matter More Than You Think
Roxanne quotes research showing that when teens feel they belong to something bigger than themselves, that belonging becomes a key factor in resilience.
Traditions help create that “bigger than me” identity:
This is what we do
This is how we celebrate
This is who we are as a family
And it’s not just emotional.
The episode cites research suggesting that families who engage in rituals report:
higher life satisfaction
fewer depressive symptoms
A simple repeatable tradition can do something powerful: it gathers people regularly, creating proximity, laughter, stories, and bonding.
That’s why these are family traditions your teen will remember.
“You Already Have Traditions” (Even If You Don’t Call Them That)
One of Roxanne’s best reframes is this:
Many “traditions” start as patterns. They become traditions when you place meaning on them.
So if you think:
“We don’t really have traditions…”
You probably do.
Examples mentioned include things like:
watching the same movie each year
birthday routines (sharing what you love about someone)
a specific meal or gathering style
Your job isn’t to invent a Hallmark holiday.
It’s to notice what already builds belonging—and make it intentional.
The A-List / B-List / C-List Strategy (Game-Changer for Blended Schedules)
As families grow, traditions collide:
spouses join
in-laws join
adult kids have schedules
two families’ traditions overlap
Tim and Roxanne share a smart system:
A-list: must happen (“come heck or high water”)
B-list: strongly preferred, but flexible
C-list: optional, “up to you”
This protects what matters most without creating a pressure-cooker holiday where everything feels mandatory.
A key point:
Be careful with how many traditions you put on the A-list.
Because “everything is mandatory” is how traditions start producing stress instead of connection.
How to Know When a Tradition Has Outlived Its Value
Roxanne answers a question most parents secretly have:
When does a tradition stop being helpful and start being harmful?
Her example is honest: a Christmas card tradition that mattered deeply to her… but became misery for everyone else.
Her solution is healthy:
If it matters to you, keep it—but don’t force it on everyone.
Then she adds an important principle:
Traditions work better when both generations bring something:
younger generation brings “new blood” and ideas
older generation brings history and meaning
When teens and young adults get buy-in, traditions become shared instead of imposed.
A Surprising Kind of Tradition: Working Together
Tim shares a story that may not sound like a “holiday tradition” at first:
Working with family—building, repairing, doing projects—became a bonding ritual in his family.
And what made it feel like a tradition wasn’t the work itself.
It was the repeatable elements:
the shared effort
the jokes and stories
the music
and even stopping at a familiar place on the way home (Subway)
Then something beautiful happens:
The story gets passed down—and now the next generation is part of it.
That’s exactly what makes family traditions your teen will remember.
Add Meaning: Consider Service as a Family Tradition
Roxanne suggests a powerful way to expand traditions beyond entertainment:
Pick a charity together, donate together, or serve together.
Tim adds something many parents have observed:
Kids may drag their feet at first… but serving others often creates a lasting sense of meaning and joy by the end.
Service traditions can become some of the most identity-building rituals in a family because they teach:
gratitude
perspective
purpose
belonging to something bigger than the self
Traditions When Your Teen Is in Treatment (Or Away)
This part of the episode is incredibly important for parents in aftercare and transition seasons.
Roxanne acknowledges the real feelings:
loneliness
grief
missing shared holidays
“this is not what I pictured”
Then Tim shares a story from a wilderness program:
A teen spent Thanksgiving and Christmas away from home, in the snow, after a season of entitlement and conflict. And something shifted:
He realized what mattered wasn’t gifts—it was relationship.
The “Christmas win” wasn’t expensive.
It was simple food and shared connection—and it became one of his best memories.
Roxanne adds a practical idea:
If allowed, send something symbolic that carries “home”:
a candle
a familiar scent
a story
a small item with meaning
Even if your teen can’t be physically present, traditions can still communicate:
You belong to us. We remember you. You’re still part of the family.
Expand the Circle: Traditions Can Create Community
Roxanne also highlights something very modern:
Many families feel disconnected from neighbors and community.
So she invites listeners to expand the circle:
invite someone who needs a friend
bring someone into your holiday meal
widen belonging instead of keeping it exclusive
She shares an example of inviting a family from Russia to their Thanksgiving—creating connection across cultures and adding meaning to the tradition.
Get the Free Tradition Builder (Resource)
Roxanne mentions a free resource designed to help families:
Traditions build belonging—and belonging supports teen resilience
Family traditions your teen will remember can be simple patterns with meaning
Use the A/B/C list strategy to reduce stress and keep priorities clear
Re-evaluate traditions that create more harm than good
Invite younger generations to contribute ideas (buy-in matters)
Add service traditions to create meaning and gratitude
If your teen is in treatment, focus on relationship and symbolic connection
Expand your circle—traditions can build community too
FAQ
What are “family traditions your teen will remember”?
They’re repeated rituals with meaning—meals, movies, service projects, storytelling, or small routines—that build identity, belonging, and connection over time.
How do traditions help teen mental health?
Research discussed in the episode suggests family rituals are linked to higher life satisfaction and fewer depressive symptoms, likely because teens feel belonging, meaning, and connection.
What is the A-list / B-list / C-list tradition method?
It’s a way to categorize traditions by importance: A-list must happen, B-list preferred but flexible, and C-list optional. This reduces holiday stress while protecting what matters most.
Turn Conflict Into Connection: The Game-Changing, Hopeful Four-Statement Framework for Parents
To turn conflict into connection, stop trying to “win the topic” and start winning the relationship. In Episode 17, therapist Emil Harker teaches a four-statement framework that helps parents stay grounded, validate effectively, and reduce power struggles—especially when a teen is escalating.
Conflict is uncomfortable. But it’s also where the deepest connection is built.
In Episode 17 of the Not By Chance Podcast, Dr. Tim Thayne sits down with Emil Harker—a marriage and family therapist who has worked everywhere from crisis units and inpatient behavioral care to residential treatment and wilderness therapy.
This episode is specifically helpful for parents who are:
stuck in repeated power struggles about respect, freedom, and expectations
unsure how to respond when a teen “comes at them” verbally
If that’s you, this framework is designed to help you turn conflict into connection—without needing perfect words or perfect parenting.
Why Parent-Teen Conflict Is So Common (Especially in Treatment Seasons)
Emil explains something most families never receive:
training.
Parents care deeply, but rarely get real education on how to handle conflict—especially when emotions spike.
So when teens struggle (anxiety, depression, substance use, defiance, motivation issues), the conflict is almost automatic:
parents fear outcomes
parents try to regain control
teens push back harder
everyone loses influence—and the cycle repeats
The goal of this episode isn’t to make conflict disappear.
It’s to help you handle it differently.
Because conflict is inevitable—but the damage is optional.
The Big Idea: You Don’t Fix the Topic First—You Fix the Relationship First
One of the most important lines in the episode:
Trying to “solve the topic” rarely solves the real problem—because the real problem is often the relationship dynamic in the moment.
When connection increases, problem-solving becomes easier.
That’s why the main strategy in this episode is validation:
logical validation
emotional validation
disciplined listening (not explaining, not defending, not lecturing)
This is the foundation of how to turn conflict into connection.
The Four-Statement Framework
Emil teaches that when conflict hits, your teen will usually throw one of only four statement types:
Criticism (often starts with “you…”)
Question (real or loaded)
Declaration (a statement about the situation: “this is stupid”)
Command (directive: “leave me alone”)
This is the game-changer:
When you can identify the category, you can respond with the right tool—before your emotions take over.
How to Respond to Each Statement Type
1) Criticism: “You don’t care about me.”
Rule: Agree with the element of truth—nothing more, nothing less.
If the criticism has zero truth, your response is:
“What do you mean?”
“Why would you say that?”
The goal isn’t to “prove them wrong.”
The goal is to absorb the hit without returning fire—so the moment calms down.
2) Questions: “Why do you always do this?”
If it’s a real question, the teen is confused—and confusion is a more receptive state. If it’s a loaded question, you can still slow it down with:
“That’s a fair question—help me understand what you mean by that.”
3) Declarations: “This is stupid. Nobody else’s parents do this.”
Rule: Emotional validation. You don’t have to agree with the conclusion—just understand the feeling.
Examples Emil models:
“That probably feels really frustrating.”
“It probably feels unfair, like you’re being picked on.”
This is the moment where connection can suddenly rise—because being understood releases bonding and reduces the fight response.
4) Commands: “Leave me alone.”
Commands are typically not the main teaching moment. The priority is:
maintain composure
avoid escalation
return later when the brain is calmer
The “Wall vs Pillow” Moment (Why This Works So Fast)
Dr. Thayne describes a metaphor parents will instantly understand:
If your teen throws a ball at a cement wall, it bounces back—hard.
But if the parent responds like a pillow, the “attack” doesn’t return with energy… and the teen has to stop and recalibrate.
That pause is where connection becomes possible.
That’s how you turn conflict into connection in real time.
The Respect Problem Most Parents Don’t Realize They Have
This section of the episode is incredibly practical.
Emil shares how many parents demand “respect,” but what they actually want is deference—and they haven’t earned trust through consistency, follow-through, and accountability.
He also points out:
parents often don’t define respectful behavior clearly
parents often don’t model it under stress
parents often sabotage the very thing they demand (especially during escalation)
The shift is powerful:
You don’t need to be perfect to earn respect. You need to be disciplined enough to listen, own your part, and stay grounded.
Why This Creates Real Change (Even If You’ve Had Years of Conflict)
Emil shares a moment from a parent-teen intensive where the father simply owned his contribution—no agenda, no lecture.
And the teen responded with something the parent had never heard before:
“It isn’t all you, Dad. I’ve got a part in it.”
That’s the pattern:
When a parent changes their part of the cycle, the teen is “invited” into a new dynamic. You don’t force the correction—you create the conditions for it.
How to “Train for Conflict” (So You Don’t Fall Apart)
One of the strongest closing ideas in the episode:
Hoping conflict won’t happen is a terrible plan.
Instead:
expect it
script the top 5–10 complaints your teen repeats
practice identifying statement type
practice validating without explaining
Because conflict is a high-pressure moment—and pressure reduces skill unless you train.
Key Takeaways (Quick Summary)
To turn conflict into connection, prioritize the relationship over winning the topic
Teens typically use four statement types: criticism, question, declaration, command
Criticism → agree with the element of truth (or ask what they mean)
Declarations → emotional validation
Validation creates bonding and reduces escalation
Train for conflict so your executive brain leads (not emotion)
FAQ
What does “turn conflict into connection” mean for parents?
It means responding to teen conflict in a way that builds closeness instead of escalating. The goal is not to “win” the argument—it’s to strengthen the relationship so problem-solving becomes possible.
What is the four-statement framework?
It’s a simple model that categorizes teen conflict statements into four types—criticism, questions, declarations, and commands—so parents can respond with the right validation tool in the moment.
How do I respond when my teen criticizes me?
Don’t defend or lecture. Agree with the element of truth (nothing more, nothing less). If there’s zero truth, ask “What do you mean?” Then validate the emotion behind the frustration.
Beyond the End Zone: The Powerful Hope-Filled Mission of Erik (Eric) Kramer (Mental Health Touchdown)
Most people don’t have a smooth, easy path through life.
That’s one of the most unifying truths we share.
In Episode 16 of the Not By Chance Podcast, Dr. Tim Thayne sits down with former NFL quarterback Eric Kramer to talk about a story that goes far beyond football: grief, depression, a survived suicide attempt, and a mission to turn pain into purpose.
This is not a “sports episode.” It’s a human episode—about what it means to make the ultimate comeback.
Who Is Eric Kramer (And Why This Conversation Matters)
Dr. Thayne introduces Eric Kramer as a former NFL QB who played for teams like:
Lions
Bears
Chargers
But the reason this episode hits so hard isn’t his NFL career.
It’s the life he lived after it:
profound loss
severe depression
isolation
and a moment where he believed everyone would be better off without him
If you’ve ever watched someone you love struggle… or you’ve had dark thoughts yourself… this episode offers something rare:
A story that is honest, specific, and ultimately hopeful.
The Long Descent: Loss, Depression, and Isolation
Eric shares that his son Griffin faced lifelong challenges—including a brain-related deficiency that made key life skills harder:
organization
focus
relationships
school structure
There were seasons where Griffin improved dramatically—especially during structured treatment and support. Eric describes it as the best he had ever seen his son, with confidence and engagement he hadn’t witnessed before.
But later, the progress unraveled, and Eric’s fear became reality.
Then the losses piled up:
Griffin died from an overdose (after a period of being clean and sober)
Eric’s mother was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and later passed away
his father developed esophageal cancer and also passed away
Eric describes a haunting realization during that season:
“People were going that way, not coming this way… they’re all leaving.”
Over time, depression turned into isolation—and isolation deepened the depression.
The Turning Point: A Suicide Attempt — “Successfully Unsuccessful”
Eric shares the moment that changed everything: a suicide attempt that he survived.
Dr. Thayne describes it as “successfully unsuccessful”—a survival that mattered not only for Eric, but for everyone who still needed him.
Eric’s words are raw and real:
he believed he’d be better off not here
and he believed others would be better off without him
This is the part of the episode that many listeners will feel deeply—because it names a lie depression often tells:
“My absence will be a relief.”
And it’s never true.
What Recovery Actually Looked Like (Not an Overnight Miracle)
One of the most powerful things Eric says is that recovery wasn’t instant.
He doesn’t describe a sudden awakening with clarity and purpose.
Instead, he describes a long, slow rebuilding—almost like re-learning life from scratch.
He shares that for a significant period, he barely remembers much—then gradually:
small steps
basic functions
tiny wins
and eventually more “normal” daily life
This matters because it fights a common myth:
Healing doesn’t require a perfect breakthrough. It requires steady steps.
The “Home Team” Concept: Why Support Changes Everything
A theme that comes back again and again is the idea of team.
Eric credits Dr. Thayne’s earlier work with his family—especially the “home team” concept:
intentionally noticing what someone already does well
reinforcing it consistently
choosing supportive people with purpose
Eric explains that being part of something bigger than yourself creates a gravitational pull:
people inspire each other
momentum builds
purpose becomes contagious
And that’s one of the major lessons of this episode:
If you’re trying to heal alone, you’re carrying too much.
The Ultimate Comeback: From Pain to Purpose
Eric eventually wrote a book:
The Ultimate Comeback: Surviving a Suicide Attempt, Conquering Depression, and Living with Purpose
But the mission didn’t stop with the book.
He also built nonprofits, including:
Eric Kramer Passing Camp
Mental Health Touchdown
What’s unique is how he connects:
football training
mental health skills
resilience and leadership
family involvement
and long-term development over years
The message is clear:
The game is a vehicle. The real goal is helping kids become stronger humans.
A Small Pebble, A Big Ripple
Eric describes mission like a pebble thrown into water:
It starts small… then ripples expand.
He gives an example from a workshop where Dr. Thayne challenged him to imagine filling whiteboards with the interpersonal characteristics he wants teens to develop over three years.
Eric’s response is essentially:
That’s it. That’s the impact.
And you can feel it—this mission is not performative.
It’s personal.
Why Mental Health Is Finally Being Taken Seriously in Sports
Near the end, Eric makes an observation that feels very “now”:
In recent years, pro sports, colleges, and organizations are finally bringing mental health professionals into their buildings.
And he sees huge potential in combining:
lived experience (his)
science + structured solutions (Dr. Thayne’s)
and community/team-based support
It’s a full-circle moment—almost 20 years after their first connection.
Key Takeaways (Quick Summary)
Eric Kramer’s story goes beyond the end zone: loss, depression, survival, recovery, and purpose
Healing was slow and step-by-step—not instant
Isolation deepens depression; a “home team” reduces it
Mission and other-focused service can be part of the recovery recipe
Sports can be a powerful vehicle for building resilience, leadership, and mental health skills
The ripple effect starts with small, consistent actions—and grows over time
FAQ
Who is Eric Kramer and why is his mental health story important?
Eric Kramer is a former NFL quarterback who survived a suicide attempt after major losses and depression. His story matters because it shows recovery is possible—and mission, support, and purpose can rebuild a life.
What is Mental Health Touchdown?
Mental Health Touchdown is one of Eric Kramer’s nonprofits focused on increasing mental health awareness and support, especially connected to athletes and families.
What does “home team” mean in mental health recovery?
A “home team” is a small group of trusted people you intentionally choose to support your growth—people who reinforce strengths, keep you connected, and help you stay steady when life gets hard.
Marriage First: The Powerful Positive Foundation of Effective Parenting (So Your Teen Can Heal)
When a teen starts to struggle—especially when the struggle becomes serious—parents naturally pour everything they have into helping their child.
That instinct makes sense.
But in Episode 15 of the Not By Chance Podcast, Dr. Tim Thayne sits down with Mike Gurr (a longtime adolescent treatment leader) to highlight a foundation many families unintentionally neglect:
Marriage first is not selfish. It’s the oxygen mask that stabilizes the whole system.
This episode is especially meaningful for parents navigating:
intense teen conflict
treatment or residential care
transition planning back home
co-parenting tension
chronic stress that quietly erodes the relationship
Because when the parental unit weakens, the entire home culture becomes unstable.
The Oxygen Mask Rule: Why “Marriage First” Matters Most During Crisis
Mike shares a powerful analogy he has used for years with families:
When you’re on an airplane and there’s a sudden drop in cabin pressure, you’re taught to put the oxygen mask on yourself first—then help your child.
He says teen crisis is like that sudden drop in pressure:
it’s unexpected
it’s scary
it consumes time, money, energy, and attention
And in that panic, many parents do the opposite:
they put everything into the teen
and quietly take oxygen away from the marriage
Mike has seen two outcomes repeatedly:
some marriages get stronger under stress
some marriages get blown apart under stress
The difference often comes down to whether parents intentionally live marriage first—even during the hardest season.
A Real Story: “We Blew It” (And Why This Happens)
Mike shares a story that stuck with him for years:
A family had been in a program for about 14 months. Their daughter had improved, they attended workshops, and everything looked “successful.”
Then, on the final week, the father pulled Mike aside and said:
“Mike… we blew it.”
He explained:
when dad is with the daughter, things are fine
when mom is with the daughter, things are fine
when all three are together, everything falls apart—back to the old dynamic
Why?
Because they worked hard on:
the teen
the parent-teen relationship
…but they didn’t work on:
the marriage
the co-parenting relationship
And when the marriage is weak, teens can easily slip into a “divide and conquer” dynamic—often without even realizing they’re doing it.
That’s why marriage first isn’t a slogan.
It’s strategy.
The Hidden Risk Most Parents Don’t See Until It’s Too Late
Mike adds a powerful observation:
He’s seeing more couples divorce after 25+ years—not always because of dramatic failure, but because parenting consumed everything.
Then the kids leave the home and the couple looks at each other and realizes:
“Do I even know you?”
“Do we even like the same things?”
His point is simple:
If you don’t nurture your marriage while parenting… you may lose it at the exact moment you need it most.
That’s a hard truth—but it’s also hopeful.
Because it means there’s something you can do today.
Principle #1: The Power of Modeling
Mike says one of the biggest parenting tools is also the most underestimated:
Modeling.
Teens watch how you treat each other as husband and wife (or as co-parents):
how you handle conflict
how you repair
how you handle rejection and failure
how you communicate on hard days
Mike shares that many teens in treatment say:
“Why should I do the work? Nothing will change at home.”
But when teens see parents working—showing up, changing patterns, getting support—something shifts.
The work becomes believable.
And belief fuels effort.
That’s one of the core reasons marriage first helps teens heal.
Principle #2: Family Culture Begins With the Marriage
Mike describes walking into a home after a teen returned from treatment—and feeling how unhealthy the environment was:
chaos
disrespect
lack of boundaries
intense hostility
His conclusion was direct:
The environment of the home begins with the marriage.
Your teen doesn’t just live in your house.
They live in your culture:
your tone
your safety level
your respect patterns
your consistency
your alignment as parents
And the marriage sets that tone—whether intentionally or unintentionally.
The Inverted Triangle: How Parenting Must Shift Over Time
Mike explains a teaching model he uses often: the inverted triangle.
When kids are small:
parenting is more direct and black-and-white
opportunities to teach are constant
As kids grow:
parents gradually expand choice
kids learn through mistakes and practice
In adolescence:
parents need guardrails, not walls
but they must still loosen the reins in a wise way
Mike notes that many parents do the opposite:
teens get riskier, snarkier, more reactive
parents get scared
parents tighten control
teens rebel harder
That cycle is where many families lose connection.
Which brings us back to the foundation: marriage first keeps parents aligned and calmer during this shift.
A Non-Negotiable: Skills Don’t Matter Without Relationship
One of Mike’s strongest statements is this:
You can read every book, learn every tool, and become an expert in parenting skills…
…but without relationship, the tools become ineffective.
This is especially true with teens.
Because teens don’t change based on information alone.
They change through:
safety
respect
connection
consistency
credibility
The “marriage first” approach protects those conditions.
Respect: Define It, Then Own It
Tim asks Mike about respect—because it’s a key ingredient in long-term influence.
Mike makes two important points:
1) Respect must be defined (or it becomes chaos)
In a family of six, you could have six different definitions of “respect.”
So step one is clarity:
What does respect mean in this home?
What does it look like?
What violates it?
2) Respect must be owned (control the controllables)
Mike calls out a common childish pattern:
“I won’t respect you until you respect me.”
Instead, he invites each person to ask:
“What’s my part?”
Because choosing respect—especially under stress—invites respect back and reshapes culture over time.
This is a marriage-first mindset in action: you protect the tone of the home by owning your part.
Treatment Isn’t the End—It’s the Beginning
This section is gold for families transitioning home.
Mike says treatment is often a reset:
parents feel like they were drowning
now their head is above water
But he warns against what he calls:
The “deep breath syndrome.”
Families finally exhale… and stop doing the very things that helped them get stable.
And because habits weren’t erased, families revert back to old patterns unless they stay intentional.
His framework is simple:
failure → survival → success
the same behaviors that moved you from failure to survival are the ones that will move you from survival to success
This is where marriage first becomes critical: the parental unit must keep leading, consistently, after treatment—not only during it.
The Rubber Band Effect: Why Parents Overreact After Treatment
Mike shares one of the most compassionate metaphors in the episode:
Parents often carry pain like a rubber band on their arm.
Kids have that rubber band too—but in treatment, they often do deeper daily work, and the rubber band becomes less “tight.”
Parents, however, may still be close to the pain—and they see the teen through that lens.
So when a teen makes a small mistake:
parents magnify it
parents react
teen feels watched for failure
teen thinks: “If that’s how you see me, that’s what you’ll get.”
That’s why parents must intentionally shift their lens:
your teen is more than behavior
behavior has a function
and your reaction may be about your unresolved fear
Marriage first helps here too, because united parents can:
regulate better
respond consistently
avoid escalations born from anxiety
Key Takeaways (Quick Summary)
Marriage first is the oxygen mask that stabilizes the family system
Teens do better when parents are united and consistent
Modeling matters more than lectures
Family culture begins with the marriage/co-parenting relationship
Parenting must shift over time (inverted triangle) toward wise autonomy
Tools don’t work without relationship
Define respect clearly, then own your part
After treatment, avoid “deep breath syndrome”—stay intentional
Parents often overreact due to unresolved fear (“rubber band effect”)—shift the lens
FAQ
What does “marriage first” mean in parenting?
Marriage first means prioritizing the health of the parental relationship so the home culture stays stable. It helps parents co-parent with unity, model healthy conflict resolution, and support teens more effectively.
Why does teen treatment sometimes fail after discharge?
Because treatment isn’t the end—it’s a reset. Families can fall into “deep breath syndrome,” stop practicing the tools they learned, and revert to old habits. A strong co-parenting relationship helps maintain follow-through.
How can parents stop overreacting after treatment?
Understand the “rubber band effect”: parents may still feel the pain of the crisis and see the teen through fear. Reduce overreaction by staying intentional, regulating as a couple, and responding to behavior with function-based understanding.
Freedom as Fuel: The Powerful Positive Science of Motivating Teens (That Actually Works)
Most parents were taught to use freedom like a reward:
“Do what you’re supposed to do… then you earn the privilege.”
But in Episode 14 of the Not By Chance Podcast, Dr. Tim Thayne and Roxanne Thayne flip that model upside down:
Freedom as fuel can be one of the most effective ways to motivate teens—because teens are wired for autonomy.
This episode explains the science behind teen motivation, why “more consequences” often backfires, and a practical approach that replaces power struggles with collaboration.
Why “Freedom as Fuel” Works (And Why It Feels So Unnatural)
Tim opens with a key tension many parents live in:
If you’re driven by anxiety, you may rush to protect, insert yourself quickly, and clamp down on risk.
But teens are wired for autonomy—there’s something inside them that wants to:
make their own decisions
become the master of their life
step into independence
So when parents clamp down, the predictable teen response is resistance.
That’s why freedom as fuel feels strange at first: it asks parents to lead with trust and space—while still maintaining guardrails.
A Nature Lesson: The “Baby Birds” Analogy
Roxanne shares a powerful visual:
She watches baby birds grow in a nest outside her office window. At first, the parents do everything—feeding, protecting, hovering.
But eventually:
the birds get too big for the nest
they must attempt flight
sometimes they crash and rest on the ground before trying again
The parents don’t stop caring.
They protect while allowing flight.
That’s the exact spirit of freedom as fuel:
not “hands off”
not “tight control”
but a structured process where teens can try, learn, recover, and try again.
The Hidden Trigger: “Fake Choices” Kill Teen Motivation
Tim shares an important insight:
Parents sometimes think they’re giving choices… but the choices aren’t real.
For example:
teen chooses, but parent redoes it
teen decides, but parent overrides it
teen tries, but parent communicates “that wasn’t right”
Roxanne gives a personal example: she helped her daughter prepare for a party, then kept redoing things “the right way,” and her daughter joked:
“I just can’t do anything right, can I?”
It was funny… but the message was real.
Teen brains detect fake autonomy instantly, and it shuts motivation down.
If you want freedom as fuel, teens must feel respected and competent.
Respect Is a Motivation Multiplier
The episode highlights something many parents underestimate:
Teens care deeply about being respected.
They want to feel:
competent
capable
trusted to succeed
And parents unintentionally communicate disrespect through:
eye rolls
constant correction
focusing only on deficits
never labeling maturity when it shows
Roxanne shares an example of “talent scouting” when her son used a sewing machine to create a necktie—revealing competence that could easily have been missed.
When you notice strengths and label them, teens start owning that identity.
That identity becomes motivation.
Step 1: Let Your Teen Choose the Freedom That Motivates Them
One of the most practical tools in the episode:
Don’t guess what’s motivating—let your teen pick the freedom.
Parents often avoid this because they fear teens will ask for something extreme.
But Tim suggests a calmer approach:
Invite your teen to propose a freedom:
that fits your values
is age-appropriate
is legal and ethical …and then talk through the obstacles together.
Even if the teen asks for “too much,” the conversation becomes a maturity-builder, not a fight.
Step 2: Connect Freedom to Trust (So They “Connect the Dots”)
A key part of freedom as fuel is teaching the teen this truth:
Freedom doesn’t appear magically because you asked for it.
It’s connected to:
trust
responsibility
follow-through
Tim suggests asking:
What would it look like to be mature enough to have this freedom?
What would it look like to keep it?
If you slip up, what should happen?
When teens define the maturity markers themselves, they begin to self-evaluate.
That’s real motivation.
Step 3: Create a “Slip-Up Plan” Before You Start
This is one of the most useful concepts in the whole episode:
A slip-up plan is a reset plan—not a life sentence.
Instead of:
“You blew it… you’re done for months.”
It becomes:
“We expected imperfection. What’s the recovery plan?”
Tim uses a concrete example: gaming limits.
A slip-up might be:
going past the agreed time
getting angry
escalating into conflict
So ask your teen:
What counts as a slip-up?
What’s the repair?
What’s the temporary step-back?
When do we try again?
Teens often propose surprisingly mature solutions when they own the plan:
apology
losing the privilege for a day
restarting fresh the next day
That approach builds responsibility without crushing hope.
And hope is fuel too.
Guardrails, Not Walls: The Balance Parents Are Actually Seeking
Roxanne offers one of the best lines in the episode:
We’re trying to build guardrails, not walls.
Walls say:
“You can’t have it.”
Guardrails say:
“You can have it—here’s how we keep it safe.”
This matters especially for technology and gaming, which are intentionally designed to be addictive.
Your goal isn’t to eliminate desire.
Your goal is to teach self-leadership.
That’s what freedom as fuel is really about.
Parenting Types That Get Stuck (And How Freedom as Fuel Fixes It)
Toward the end, Tim outlines common parenting patterns that sabotage motivation—and how this approach restores it:
1) The Overindulgent Parent
If teens already get freedoms automatically, freedoms no longer motivate. The fix is to help them value freedom again and earn it through a teen-owned plan.
2) Mismatched Parents (Too Strict vs Too Loose)
This is extremely common. Freedom as fuel can bring both parents toward the center:
the “loose” parent becomes more structured
the “strict” parent becomes more collaborative
3) Fear-Based Parenting
Fear contracts freedom. But long-term confidence grows when teens take on challenges, make mistakes, and learn. Tim shares a story of a teen thriving when given appropriate outdoor freedom and responsibility.
4) Transactional Rule-Enforcer Parenting
This style can create compliance… until it collapses. Because teens are wired for autonomy, motivation eventually runs out if everything is black-and-white transaction.
The Trustyy Approach: Teen-Owned 7-Day Plans (AI Coach)
This episode ties directly into a tool they’ve built:
A teen can talk with the Trustyy Guide (AI coach) to:
identify a motivating freedom
create an age-appropriate plan
build a realistic 7-day roadmap
present the plan to parents
Parents often feel amazed because:
the teen created it autonomously
the parent didn’t have to nag
follow-through is higher because it’s the teen’s plan
This aligns perfectly with the episode’s core message:
Freedom as fuel works best when teens own the process.
Key Takeaways (Quick Summary)
Freedom as fuel motivates teens because teens are wired for autonomy
Fake choices kill motivation—real respect builds it
Let teens pick the freedom that motivates them
Connect freedom to trust and responsibility
Build a slip-up plan in advance so mistakes become learning
Use guardrails, not walls—especially with technology
Different parenting patterns require different adjustments
Teen-owned plans create far more motivation than parent-imposed contracts
FAQ
What does “freedom as fuel” mean for teen motivation?
Freedom as fuel means using autonomy and choice as the starting point for motivation. Teens work harder when they own a plan to earn freedoms and understand the trust and responsibility required.
How do you motivate teens when consequences don’t work?
Shift from punishment to partnership: let your teen choose a motivating freedom, create a plan together, define maturity markers, and use a slip-up plan to recover quickly from mistakes.
What is a “slip-up plan” for teens?
A slip-up plan is an agreed recovery plan for small mistakes. It defines what counts as a slip-up, the repair steps, a temporary step-back, and when to try again—so growth stays hopeful and consistent.
They’re Wired for Freedom: The Powerful Positive Guide to Letting Go Without Losing Control
Teenagers aren’t “wired” to be controlled.
They’re wired for freedom.
In Episode 13 of the Not By Chance Podcast, Dr. Tim Thayne and Roxanne Thayne unpack a subtle but profound shift they’re seeing in families (and in how they’re building Trustyy tools):
Teens are biologically—and deeply—driven to own their lives. And parenting works better when we align with that truth.
This episode is for any parent who feels trapped in constant power struggles over:
freedoms and privileges
school and homework
friends and independence
responsibility and trust
Because the real question isn’t whether teens want freedom.
It’s: Are we wired to let go wisely?
Why Teens Are Wired for Freedom (And Why That’s Not a Problem)
Dr. Thayne explains that their early work with teens began on the far end of the spectrum—when teens had lost autonomy due to serious safety needs and treatment placements.
In that context, it made sense to focus heavily on parents:
parents needed tools
structure needed to be rebuilt at home
the teen might be resistant, and parents could still shift the system through their own change
But as the mission expanded into earlier intervention, a new reality became impossible to ignore:
When teens are still in the home system, the autonomy drive is the main engine under the hood.
That’s why “wired for freedom” matters so much—because it’s not a phase to eliminate.
It’s the developmental pathway toward adulthood.
The Parenting Paradox: Letting Go Can Help Teens Step Up
Roxanne names another title for the episode:
“Allowing them to step up by stepping back.”
That’s scary for parents—especially when a teen’s choices have been dangerous in the past. The goal isn’t to disappear or “not care.”
It’s to create wise space:
space for choices
space for trial and error
space for learning and competence
Because competence doesn’t grow in a vacuum.
It grows through experience.
A Simple Moment Every Parent Recognizes: “I Do It!”
Roxanne shares a story from early parenting:
She tried to help her toddler brush his teeth…and he grabbed the toothbrush and said:
“I do it.”
That little sentence captures the entire human trajectory.
We’re born with a drive to:
try
choose
learn
own
Teens aren’t inventing this drive.
They’re expressing it at a more intense level.
That’s why they’re wired for freedom.
Why Fear Hijacks Parenting (And Creates More Power Struggles)
One of the most important warnings in the episode:
We can accidentally parent out of fear and anxiety—misaligning with a teen’s natural drive for autonomy.
When fear leads, parents tend to:
micromanage
over-control
over-explain
rescue too quickly
clamp down harder when a teen pushes back
And what happens next?
The teen’s autonomy drive pushes harder too.
That’s how you get:
stalemates
shutdowns
resentment
“I don’t care” attitudes
chronic conflict
The solution isn’t “more force.”
It’s a smarter alignment with wired for freedom.
A Powerful Reframe: Trust Is Not Only About the Teen
Most parents think trust is mainly about this question:
“Can I trust my teen to make good decisions?”
But Dr. Thayne adds a mirror:
Our level of trust in our teen also reflects the dynamic we helped create.
He gives a classic example: homework.
Parents fear long-term consequences (bad grades → bad future), so they step in and try to force the outcome. But often, the only place a teen can “control” is by refusing to do the work.
So parents conclude:
“My teen is lazy.”
“My teen can’t be trusted.”
But the deeper pattern may be:
“My teen is fighting for autonomy.”
That’s wired for freedom.
The Real Goal of Parenting: Gradual Transfer of Power
This is one of the clearest takeaways in the episode:
The goal isn’t perfect compliance—it’s the gradual transfer of power and choice from parent to teen.
And “the sooner the better,” because teens need opportunities to build:
self-efficacy (“I can do hard things”)
wise decision-making
identity-based competence (“I am credible”)
When we shortcut all mistakes, we also shortcut all growth.
The Competence Ladder: Why Failures Early Can Be a Gift
Roxanne and Tim describe a developmental sequence:
Unconsciously incompetent (they don’t know what they don’t know)
Consciously incompetent (they hit reality—humbling, but healthy)
Consciously competent (they learn and grow skill through experience)
Parents often want to protect teens from the “humbling stage.”
But that stage is what produces wisdom.
This is why letting go (wisely) is a gift to wired for freedom.
A Practical Strategy: Put the Ball in Their Court
If you’re exhausted from constant conflict over freedoms and privileges, Tim gives a direct suggestion:
Have your teen create the plan for how they’ll earn back the freedom.
This single shift reduces resistance because:
teens hate being controlled
teens respond better to ownership
teens can rise when the plan feels like theirs
It’s not permissive. It’s structured autonomy.
And it matches wired for freedom perfectly.
A Parenting “Win” Story: The Overnight Camping Trip
Tim shares a story about allowing their son to camp overnight with friends—no adults hovering, real decisions required:
where to camp
how to set up
how to build a fire safely
how to solve problems together
Tim didn’t realize that experience would become a glowing moment their son held onto for years.
Why?
Because it wasn’t just a privilege.
It was empowerment.
That’s what wired for freedom is asking for.
Why This Helps Mental Health Too
The episode connects autonomy and competence to anxiety and depression:
When teens feel they have some control over their world—and can build competence—mental health often improves.
That doesn’t mean freedom fixes everything.
But it does mean this:
Wise autonomy can be an antidote to helplessness—and helplessness fuels anxiety and depression.
Key Takeaways (Quick Summary)
Teens are wired for freedom—it’s developmental, not defiance
Parenting out of fear often creates more power struggles
The goal is gradual transfer of power, not micromanaged outcomes
Early mistakes build competence and self-efficacy
Trust reflects the relationship dynamic, not only teen behavior
Put the ball in their court: have teens propose the plan
Empowerment moments become identity moments
Wise autonomy can reduce conflict and support mental health
FAQ
What does “wired for freedom” mean for teenagers?
Wired for freedom means teens are naturally driven to build autonomy and ownership of their lives. It’s a key part of development and becomes healthier when parents support it wisely.
How do I let go without losing control as a parent?
Letting go wisely means transferring freedom gradually, keeping safety non-negotiables, and giving teens ownership to propose plans for how they’ll earn privileges and build trust.
Why do power struggles get worse when I control more?
Because control often triggers a teen’s autonomy drive. When parents pressure harder out of fear, teens push back harder to reclaim agency—creating a cycle that increases resistance.
Understanding Teen Resistance: The Powerful Hope-Filled Reframe (Signals, Not Defiance)
If you’re a parent of a teenager, you’ve seen resistance.
Maybe it looks like:
stalling and “forgetting”
eye-rolling and sarcasm
refusing chores
passive pushback
outright “No.”
In Episode 12 of the Not By Chance Podcast, Dr. Tim Thayne and Roxanne Thayne teach a crucial shift:
Understanding teen resistance starts when you stop seeing it as defiance—and start seeing it as a signal.
This episode is packed with practical examples and strategies to help parents uncover what’s underneath resistance, reduce power struggles, and rebuild hope.
Why “Understanding Teen Resistance” Changes Everything
When parents assume resistance equals disrespect, the default response is often:
stronger consequences
more pressure
more lecturing
more control
But the episode highlights a reality most families experience:
Resistance usually has something underneath it.
And when you find what’s underneath, you can respond in a way that actually helps your teen move forward.
That’s the heart of understanding teen resistance.
A Story That Explains “Signals, Not Defiance”
Dr. Thayne opens with a story from when he served as a Scoutmaster.
A new boy joined the troop and showed clear resistance during a hike:
moving slowly
hesitating
saying he didn’t like climbing
refusing to go up a rock formation
At first glance, it looked like classic “won’t cooperate” behavior.
But as Dr. Thayne supported him up the rock, the truth showed itself:
Tears were silently running down the boy’s face—he was terrified of heights.
The “resistance” wasn’t rebellion.
It was fear.
That is the core lesson of understanding teen resistance: sometimes the behavior is just a mask for what a teen can’t say out loud.
The Teen Brain: Resistance Can Be Development, Not Attitude
Roxanne shares something parents often forget:
When teens hit adolescence, hormones and identity development can feel like a “monster was released.”
Teens may not understand why they suddenly feel:
rage
irritability
confusion
sensitivity
intense emotions
Dr. Thayne explains that adolescence includes major brain rewiring and a natural drive toward:
self-definition
autonomy
self-determination
So understanding teen resistance includes recognizing this: some resistance is a normal (and necessary) part of becoming independent.
The “Unwitting Cycle”: How Parents Accidentally Fuel Resistance
One of the most helpful concepts in the episode comes from family systems thinking:
How are we “unwittingly” part of the resistance cycle?
“Unwittingly” matters because it removes shame:
it’s not intentional
it’s not about bad parenting
it’s about patterns
When parents feel resistance, they often respond with:
frustration
urgency
lectures
instructions instead of curiosity
And that can escalate the cycle.
A key takeaway:
The fastest way to change the cycle is to change what you do inside it.
That’s practical hope.
Step 1: Expect Resistance So It Doesn’t Destroy You
Dr. Thayne makes a simple recommendation:
Be expecting resistance—so you’re not blindsided.
Even “easy” kids often shift quickly in early teen years.
When you expect resistance:
you’re less reactive
you’re more prepared
you can use better tools
That expectation is part of understanding teen resistance—because it moves you from shocked to steady.
Step 2: Look for the Exceptions (When Resistance Is Lower)
One of the most practical tools in the episode:
Your teen is not resistant to everyone, all the time.
So ask:
When is resistance lower?
With which people?
In which settings?
At what time of day?
With what type of approach?
Examples mentioned include:
better timing
shifting from demands to requests
lowering judgment
being patient and encouraging
These “exceptions” give you clues.
And clues are the point of understanding teen resistance.
Step 3: Ask Questions Instead of Lecturing
The episode calls out a pattern most parents will recognize:
When resistance rises, we often instruct more instead of ask more.
But teens are craving autonomy.
So questions are powerful because they:
invite self-reflection
validate feelings
reduce defensiveness
help teens learn about themselves
Dr. Thayne shares a story where he planned a lecture during a long car ride… but instead asked:
“Tell me something you’ve been learning.”
That question changed the entire day:
the teen relaxed
conversation opened
connection grew
resistance dropped
That is understanding teen resistance in action.
The “Connection First” Rule
A major takeaway is this:
When you can’t solve the surface behavior, return to connection.
Because connection lowers resistance across almost everything:
chores
school
boundaries
privileges
honesty
The episode suggests a simple priority:
When in doubt, strengthen the relationship first.
How Hope Changes Teen Resistance
This episode weaves in a powerful theme: hope.
Roxanne shares a moment with a friend struggling with depression—where the most helpful thing wasn’t advice, supplements, or plans.
It was belief:
“You’re going to get through this.”
The episode shares a definition of hope and why it calms the nervous system and opens forward movement.
That matters because:
A teen who feels hopeless often resists everything.
Hope doesn’t fix everything instantly—but it reactivates effort.
And effort is where change begins.
A Modern Tool: Why the AI Coach Can Reduce Resistance
Dr. Thayne shares progress on the Trust & Freedom Recovery Tool, where a teen interacts with an AI coach to create a plan for earning back freedom.
Here’s why it helps with understanding teen resistance:
teens may resist because a parent asked them
the AI coach doesn’t take offense
it validates emotions
it stays calm and tries again
it has no “historical baggage”
One example: a teen was snarky, the AI politely paused, then the teen asked:
“Can we restart?”
That moment is a parenting lesson:
safety creates reflection
reflection reduces resistance
and calm persistence builds micro-wins
Key Takeaways (Quick Summary)
Understanding teen resistance means seeing it as signals, not defiance
Resistance can mask fear, overwhelm, or insecurity
Teen development includes brain rewiring and autonomy needs
Parents are often “unwittingly” part of the cycle
Expect resistance so you can respond with tools instead of reactions
Look for exceptions: when and where resistance is lower
Ask questions instead of lecturing
Connection lowers resistance across the board
Hope restores effort—and effort starts change
FAQ
What causes teen resistance?
Teen resistance can come from fear, overwhelm, hormonal and brain changes, autonomy needs, or negative interaction cycles at home. Understanding teen resistance means looking beneath the behavior.
How do you respond to teen resistance without escalating?
Use curiosity instead of lectures, look for exceptions, focus on connection, and regulate your own emotions first. Calm leadership reduces resistance.
Is teen resistance always defiance?
No. Often teen resistance is communication—a signal of fear, uncertainty, emotional overload, or a need for autonomy and respect.
Resilience Runs in This Family: The Powerful Hope-Filled Way to Help Teens Draw Strength from Heroes
Sometimes the most important message your teen needs isn’t another lecture.
It’s a whisper:
“You’ve got what it takes. You can do hard things. It’s already in you.”
In Episode 11 of the Not By Chance Podcast, Dr. Tim Thayne and Roxanne Thayne explore why resilience runs in this family—and how parents can intentionally use stories of pioneers, heroes, and role models to build teen identity, courage, and confidence.
This episode is especially powerful for families in a hard season, because it gives you a simple tool you can start today:
Use the power of story to help your teen borrow strength until they can feel their own.
Why “Resilience Runs in This Family” Is More Than a Nice Quote
Roxanne explains why this topic carries emotion for her: her parents are gone, her dad was a historian, and she has personally experienced how stories can change the way we see ourselves.
And then she makes a key point that applies to every family:
Even if you don’t have pioneer ancestry… you still have pioneers.
Because “pioneers” can mean:
ancestors who survived hardship
grandparents who built a life from nothing
parents who broke cycles
heroes in history
mentors, teachers, leaders
even role models your teen respects today
The goal is not perfect family history.
The goal is building a family narrative where resilience runs in this family.
Why Stories Work: Identity Is Built Through What We Identify With
Dr. Thayne makes a key connection:
When teens can identify with strength in another person, that strength becomes more believable in themselves.
And that matters because many parents struggle with this:
we compliment our kids
we encourage them
but it “rolls off their back”
This episode offers another pathway:
Let your teen borrow strength from someone they admire—until it becomes part of their identity.
That’s the heart of resilience runs in this family.
3 Practical Steps to Teach Resilience Through Stories
The episode gives parents three clear, practical actions. Here they are, translated into a simple plan you can use immediately.
1) Tell Family Stories Often (And With Emotion)
The first instruction is simple:
Tell family stories often—and tell them with emotion.
Not only at funerals. Not only at reunions. Not only in “formal” settings.
Roxanne describes how stories can be shared casually:
in the car
at dinner
before school
when your teen is discouraged
when something reminds you of a past experience
A quick example from the episode
Dr. Thayne shares a story of an ancestor who built a sawmill, then later learned others found gold where the mill once stood. His response:
“They’re welcome to it. I’m a sawmill man.”
That quote became a resilience lesson:
grace in disappointment
security in identity
strength without bitterness
And that’s exactly why resilience runs in this family works: stories give teens language for hard moments.
2) Create a Legacy Board (Or Digital Timeline)
The second action is about making stories visible:
Create a photo wall, legacy board, or digital timeline.
Roxanne describes creating a “photo wall” at home with frames and family pictures—and how just looking at it reminds her of a blessed life and the people who paved the way.
They also encourage involving teens directly:
build something in Canva
create a Google Slides presentation
research on FamilySearch (or similar tools)
tell the story of a relative, or even a historical hero
This works because it turns resilience into something tangible.
It becomes part of the home environment—part of the culture—so resilience runs in this family isn’t just a phrase, it’s a lived value.
3) Invite Your Teen to Be a Pioneer Themselves
The third step is the most empowering:
Invite teens to be pioneers themselves.
Because teens may hear stories of 60-year-olds and think:
“I’ll never be like that.”
So the episode encourages parents to connect the dots from today:
“You’re naturally good with children—your influence is a strength.”
“You’re resourceful with technology—that’s pioneer thinking.”
“You push through hard physical things—that’s resilience.”
Then link that to a story:
“You remind me of your grandpa…” “Your courage looks like…” “This runs in our family.”
That’s how the belief becomes real—and why resilience runs in this family lands.
A Simple High-Impact Tactic: Text a Photo + One Sentence
One of the easiest tactics shared:
Take a picture of a photo in an album or on the wall…
…and text it to your teen with one simple message like:
“This reminded me of you.”
“He did hard things. You can too.”
“You’re more capable than you feel right now.”
This is low effort, high impact—and it reinforces that resilience runs in this family without feeling like a lecture.
Role Models Matter (And Sometimes Work Better Than Parents)
A key insight is that teens sometimes receive stories better when they come from someone other than mom or dad.
Dr. Thayne describes how it can be easier for teens to admire:
grandparents
historical figures
mentors
heroes outside the home
Roxanne shares examples like Churchill, and also a personal connection to a Holocaust survivor whose resilience shaped their family values.
This point matters because it helps parents avoid a trap:
Trying to “convince” your teen with your own words… when a story about a respected role model might land instantly.
Why This Helps Mental Health (Without Minimizing Pain)
The episode is careful not to dismiss what teens are experiencing today:
depression
anxiety
bullying
overwhelm
Parents can’t remove all of it.
But they can do something powerful:
Be consistent in belief.
And stories help carry belief when a teen can’t feel it.
That’s why resilience runs in this family is not about pretending things are easy.
It’s about building a stable identity that can survive hard things.
The Closing Message: “Think of the Pioneers”
Dr. Thayne shares a family mantra:
“Think of the pioneers.”
Not as pressure or guilt— but as a reminder:
hard things are survivable
effort is meaningful
and you’re not the first person to struggle
It’s a way of saying:
“You’re capable. You come from capable people. And you can do this.”
That’s the essence of resilience runs in this family.
Key Takeaways (Quick Summary)
Resilience runs in this family becomes real when stories are told consistently
Stories build identity through identification
Tell stories often, casually, and with emotion
Create a legacy board or photo wall to make resilience visible
Text photos + short messages for quick encouragement
Role models outside parents can land powerfully
Invite teens to be pioneers now, not “someday”
Hard seasons can become the foundation for future strength
FAQ
How do you teach teens resilience?
Teach resilience by building identity: share stories of pioneers, heroes, and role models, connect those strengths to your teen, and reinforce small examples of courage in everyday life.
Why do family stories help teen confidence?
Because stories give teens a sense of identity and belonging. When teens identify with resilience in others, it becomes easier to believe resilience exists in them too.
What if we don’t know our family history?
You can use role models outside your ancestry—mentors, community leaders, historical figures, or personal heroes. The goal is the same: resilience runs in this family through shared values and stories.
When Your Teen Stops Caring: The Powerful Hope-Filled Plan When Consequences Don’t Work
Have you ever thought:
“I could take away every freedom my teen has—and it still wouldn’t change anything.”
If you’ve been there, you’re not alone.
In Episode 10 of the Not By Chance Podcast, Dr. Tim Thayne and Roxanne Thayne tackle one of the most discouraging parenting moments:
When your teen stops caring—and consequences don’t work anymore.
This episode is practical, realistic, and deeply hopeful—because it explains why consequences fail… and what to do next when your usual tools aren’t working.
Why Consequences Stop Working (And Why This Is So Common Today)
Many parents were raised in a world that felt more “black and white”:
do the right thing → get the reward
do the wrong thing → face the consequence
consequences create motivation
But Dr. Thayne points out something important:
The world teens are growing up in today is far more complex—and that changes everything.
Teens now deal with pressure that didn’t exist at the same scale even 10–15 years ago:
constant comparison online
social exclusion and bullying
exposure to dark content and extreme ideas
nonstop stimulation
heavy emotional load they were never designed to carry alone
So when your teen shuts down and “doesn’t care,” it may not be laziness.
It may be survival.
Two Core Reasons Your Teen Stops Caring
Episode 10 highlights two major pathways that lead to this “I don’t care” response.
Sometimes “I don’t care” is a protective mechanism.
It’s not really:
“I don’t care about you.”
It’s closer to:
“I can’t handle this.”
When a teen is overwhelmed or emotionally depleted, consequences often don’t create motivation—because there’s no emotional energy left to respond.
2) Autonomy + Defiance (Trying to Regain Control)
Teens are wired to become autonomous.
And when life feels chaotic or controlling, defiance becomes a form of control:
“Take it. Doesn’t matter.”
“You can’t make me.”
In that state, consequences don’t motivate—because the teen is fighting for power, not rewards.
The Parent Trap: Over-Parenting vs Hands-Off Parenting
Roxanne describes the two extremes parents often bounce between when consequences stop working:
over-parenting / over-consequencing (more pressure, more punishment, more conflict)
hands-off despair (“I’ll just wait a few days and hope it resolves”)
Both extremes can accidentally reinforce the same cycle:
teen feels unsafe or controlled
parent feels powerless
conflict grows
motivation drops even further
So the solution isn’t “more consequences” or “no consequences.”
The real solution is a deeper shift.
The Key Shift: From Power Struggle to Partnership
Here’s the most important message of the episode:
If you want change, you must shift the relationship dynamic.
Dr. Thayne uses a simple (and brilliant) visual:
Old paradigm: Parent = “solver,” Teen = “problem”
New paradigm: Parent + teen = “solvers,” Problem = outside of both of you
That shift changes everything—because it lowers defensiveness.
Instead of:
“How do I fix you?”
It becomes:
“How do we solve this together?”
Roxanne adds a memorable metaphor:
Power struggle feels like a “thumb war.” Partnership feels like a “handshake.”
And a handshake communicates safety before anything else happens.
Step 1: Take the “Problem” Label Off Your Teen
A teen who feels labeled as the problem eventually starts to believe:
“Nothing I do matters.”
“You’ll always see me the same.”
So the first practical action is simple:
Look for what you want more of—and name it.
Dr. Thayne shares a small example: noticing a son quietly coiled the hose neatly—something that could easily be missed if parents are only scanning for problems.
This sounds small, but it’s powerful:
✅ what you notice grows ✅ what you reinforce returns more often ✅ what you label shapes identity
Step 2: Admit Your Half (Without Shame)
This is the part parents often resist, but the episode frames it as hope:
If you have influence over your side of the dynamic… you’re not stuck.
Dr. Thayne points out how parents sometimes create inconsistency:
consequences delivered in anger
then softened later
then changed again
To teens, inconsistency feels like unpredictability.
And unpredictability reduces safety.
The win isn’t perfection—it’s awareness and adjustment.
A Home Team Reminder: Encouragement From the Right Voice Can Change Everything
Roxanne shares a powerful example about their daughter (a young adult) hearing strength reflected back by a midwife:
One comment from someone credible landed differently than anything a parent could say.
Takeaway:
✅ if your teen admires someone, invite that person into the “home team” ✅ one well-timed, sincere strength statement can change direction fast
The Problem With Home Contracts (And Why Teens Reject Them)
This section is huge.
Dr. Thayne explains how many teens are deeply triggered by the phrase “home contract”:
it feels like control
it feels like punishment
it feels like “you don’t trust me”
And parents often experience this painful cycle:
hours spent building a transition plan
teen comes home
within weeks… nobody looks at the plan again
teen says: “That was for the beginning.”
So what actually works better?
Ownership.
The New Solution: Have Your Teen Propose the Plan
Dr. Thayne shares a “paradigm shifting” approach he used with a family:
Instead of parents creating a home contract, he walked the teen through a process:
What freedom do you want?
What’s the barrier to that freedom?
What past behaviors created concern?
What are your parents worried about?
What plan would build trust over time?
Then the teen presents the plan to the parents.
Result:
parents are surprised
conflict drops
teen is more motivated
follow-through increases
Why?
Because the teen owns it.
This directly addresses when your teen stops caring: They begin caring again when they have ownership and a clear path to a desired freedom.
Introducing the Trust & Freedom Recovery Tool (AI-Supported)
The episode ends by introducing something new built from this exact approach:
The Trust & Freedom Recovery Tool — an AI-supported coaching flow that helps teens create a 7-day trust plan and propose it to parents.
The idea is simple:
parent identifies a freedom the teen wants
parent sends a link
teen uses the tool to build a plan
parent reviews and can request edits
teen owns the plan, parent approves it
Dr. Thayne also points out a practical advantage:
Teens can be snarky with the AI, and the AI stays calm—where a parent’s feelings would often get hurt and shut the conversation down.
And the best part:
It’s free to try.
Key Takeaways (Quick Summary)
When your teen stops caring, consequences often fail because of shutdown or defiance
The world is more complex—and teens carry heavier loads than before
Parenting extremes (over-control or hands-off despair) can reinforce the cycle
The winning shift is power struggle → partnership
Take the “problem” label off your teen and reinforce small wins
Admit your half without shame—consistency creates safety
Teens reject home contracts when they feel controlled
Teens follow plans they own
The Trust & Freedom Recovery Tool helps teens propose a 7-day plan parents can approve
FAQ
What do you do when your teen stops caring?
When your teen stops caring, shift from consequences to partnership. Focus on safety, reduce power struggles, and invite your teen to propose a plan that earns trust and freedom.
Why don’t consequences work on my teen anymore?
Consequences often stop working when a teen is emotionally shut down (depressed, anxious, overwhelmed) or when they’re fighting for autonomy through defiance.
How can parents motivate a teen who doesn’t care?
Motivation rises when teens feel ownership. Invite them into the solution, define a freedom they want, and have them propose a plan to earn it step-by-step.