Now that you have completed a draft of Expectations and Consequences, you are ready to share it with your child.
It’s often best to give a copy of your Expectations and Consequences draft to your child and give them time to review the entire draft in private. Then allow them to share their thoughts about it with you. This is particularly helpful if you or your child is likely to get hung up in debating specific issues and never get through the draft. That said, if you feel it’s better to review it together, trust your instinct.
Here are some tips for effectively sharing the draft rules and incentives with your child and getting their feedback:
Set a collaborative, open tone. Express you want their honest input before finalizing anything.
Focus on listening, not talking. Simply listen, take notes, and save your thoughts for later.
If they express concerns, listen fully. Ask clarifying questions without judgment.
Don’t debate or allow yourself to be triggered. They may be angry because they sense they will be losing power.
When appropriate, explain your reasoning calmly. But focus on understanding their perspective.
Don’t attempt to come to a decision while you are talking with your child.
If your child tries to bully or threaten you, let him know you want to hear the feedback but only if he is willing to share it in a respectful manner. Walk away if necessary. Once he has calmed down, give him another opportunity to share his feedback. If he is again disrespectful or refuses to give feedback, simply move forward to the next step.
When you have heard what your child has to say, thank them for taking the time to discuss it, and tell them you will take their opinions into consideration. The goal is for your child to feel heard, understood, and included. Then end the discussion.
Parental leadership means that as a parent you set the expectations and rules. You make decisions about what is best for your children and the family. You hold your children accountable for their choices and enforce consequences when appropriate.
Creating expectations and rules as a parent is much like placing sheep in a pen. When placed in a pen, the sheep will explore the area and put pressure on the fence in order to find weaknesses and possible ways to get out. Your children are no different. They will constantly push against the fence.
If you haven’t already, take a moment to watch this video.
Video: Parenting Principle 2: Parental leadership is essential to healthy families
As parents, you are responsible to maintain and reinforce the fence. Remember that when children test the limits, they are also testing your commitment to the relationship and your leadership in the family hierarchy.
Have courage to stand by decisions you make and not give in no matter how much your teen argues. Giving in brings short-term peace, but long-term conflict.
Exercising wise parental authority with love fosters security for teens, and models mature leadership despite challenges.
Need customized help or ideas for what to do in a unique situation? Getting pushback or conflict from your child after reviewing the draft? Whenever you need professional support and guidance, we are here to help!
Once you feel you have listened to your teen’s feedback, you are ready to move on to the next step.