For each red light issue, discuss as parents and try to come to agreement on:
- What expectations you have for your child’s behavior
- What consequences would be appropriate if expectations are not met
- What positive rewards or incentives would you consider when expectations are met?
If you are a single parent, it can be helpful to discuss with a coach, friend, or other parent who can spur new ideas and provide alternate perspectives.
If you have a spouse or co-parent, it is critical to establish unity or alignment around how to deal with the situation.
At this stage, you are just trying to get your thoughts down and find areas you can generally agree on as parents. Don’t worry about dialing in all the details yet, that will come in another step.
Why it is Important to be Aligned as Parents
It is important to present a united front when addressing behavioral problems. This can be challenging; however, there are many benefits to mastering this skill:
- It reduces your children’s attempts to play one parent against the other
- It results in less arguing and less testing of the boundaries by the child.
- It strengthens each parent’s authority, individually and collectively.
If you haven’t already, watch the video:
“Principle #5: Parental Unity”
Initially, we recommend having this type of discussion in person and in private, away from other family members. If this is not feasible, it could be done over a video conference or by phone.
What are your Expectations?
Have you ever been in a situation where there have been inconsistent or unclear rules or expectations?
Many parents fail to be clear about their expectations because they are wanting or hoping their kids will “take initiative.” Sometimes they try to give their kids hints about what they want them to do instead of telling them straight out.
All organizations need clear expectations and rules in order to encourage consistency and accomplish their purposes. Families are no exception.
Watch the video: “Principle #3: Clear expectations encourage consistency and teach values”
Download and use the Special Expectations worksheet to work through your expectations for each issue.
What are your Child’s Incentivizes to Change?
Setting up effective incentives is critical as well as challenging.
It is generally recommended to use a combination of positive and negative consequences to incentivize your child. Both types have their place and can be effective in teaching and guiding behavior. The specific approach may vary depending on the child, the behavior in question, and the desired outcome.
Here are some considerations:
- Positive consequences can be effective in reinforcing positive behavior, motivating, and fostering a sense of accomplishment. Positive consequences can include praise, small rewards, extra privileges, or special activities.
- Negative consequences can be effective in teaching lessons, establishing boundaries, and discouraging negative behavior. Negative consequences can include loss of privileges, time-outs, logical consequences (e.g., cleaning up a mess one made), or temporary restrictions.
The key is to ensure that both positive and negative consequences are fair, consistent, and appropriate for the behavior in question. It’s important to strike a balance, as relying solely on negative consequences may create an environment of fear or resentment, while relying solely on positive consequences may not effectively address unwanted behavior or teach important life lessons.
Consequences should be something that both parents are able to follow through with. Some parents in a moment of frustration or fear, threaten extreme consequences that they would not actually be willing to follow through with. Usually the teen recognizes up front that the parent is bluffing, so it is not effective. When the rule is broken and the consequence is not given, it weakens the teen’s trust in parents’ leadership.
Consequences should match the seriousness of the infraction. For minor incidents, the consequences should be minor; for major ones, they should be more significant.
Consequences do not need to be harsh or last a long time. Consequences that last too long prevent the opportunity to rebuild trust. In addition, some teens cease to learn from a consequence after a short time and begin to build up resentment and anger toward parents. This often results in the teen refusing to learn from the consequence.
Teens need to feel that regaining a privilege is attainable for them. When too much has been taken away, or it has been taken away for too long, a teen tends to lose hope. When he loses hope, unhealthy behaviors tend to escalate.
Download and complete the Incentives Worksheet to help you consider potential rewards or penalties.
Checklist
- Watch the video “Principle #5: Parental Unity”
- Watch the video "Principle #3: Clear expectations encourage consistency and teach values"
- Use the Expectations and Consequences Template to create a first draft of your expectations
- Use the Incentives Worksheet to consider potential rewards or penalties.
- As parents, discuss the problem and brainstorm potential solutions
Need Additional Support?
Navigating co-parenting conversations can be challenging, especially when you and your spouse or ex don’t agree over parenting approaches. If you ever feel you could benefit from professional guidance when facing difficult discussions around parenting, we’re here to help.
Find out more about our coaching services.
What’s Next:
Once you have discussed your ideas about which expectations and incentives to consider, you are ready for the next step.