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Now that you have finalized your expectations and your plan is in motion, the most crucial step as a parent begins: following through.

Trustyy is now taking on some of the tasks that normally drain energy from parents, such as reminding your child about your expectations for them, following up with them to make them accountable, and even rewarding them for their efforts.

This is so you can focus all your energy and efforts on following through.

The Importance of Consistent Follow-through

There are several important reasons why consistent parental follow-through is vital for your child’s growth and development:

• It builds trust. When you do what you say you will do, your child learns to take your words seriously. Say what you mean, and mean what you say.
• It provides stability and predictability. They need to be able to rely on what you say, both on the freedoms they will receive for fulfilling their commitments and the negative consequences of breaking them. Children feel safer when parents are reliable and steadfast.
• It teaches responsibility. They need to gain confidence that they can rely on themselves without someone stepping in to rescue them. Experiencing logical consequences of their actions helps reinforce life lessons.
• It models maturity. Handling challenges calmly and firmly demonstrates important skills.
• It maintains authority. Following through on rules and boundaries upholds your position as the parent.
• It shows you care. Setting limits, while it can be difficult, displays commitment to their wellbeing.
• It earns respect. Kids appreciate parents who keep their word and are fair yet firm.

Hold the Boundary–Keep the Rule and Implement the Consequence

No matter how well-written your expectations and consequences are, your child will not follow all the rules — they will never stop testing the boundaries.

However, when testing occurs, firmly, calmly, and consistently let your children know that you still expect them to meet the expectation, and that appropriate consequences still apply.

Having success with rules does not hinge on your teen’s willingness to follow them. It hinges on whether you follow through with the consequences.

We call this “holding the boundary.” It involves two components:

1. Sticking to the expectation and rules you established.
2. Holding your child accountable when they have crossed a boundary.

Watch this video to learn more about successfully holding boundaries:

Video: Essential Skill: Holding Boundaries

Remember, it is your response to their testing that determines success. After all, it’s not what you tell them to do that they listen to the most; it’s what you actually enforce that gets their attention.

Even though rules and consequences cannot make teens comply, with patience and compassion, your consequences will be teaching tools. Your calmness and planned approach will help you maintain love and support even as you hold your teen accountable. It simply requires firmness of values matched with softness for their wellbeing.

Providing Encouragement & Support

Change rarely happens perfectly. Two steps forward, one step back is much more realistic. When others are changing, you always have two choices you can focus on: the steps forward or the step back, what’s changing or what’s not.

Sometimes parents find themselves focusing so hard on consistently enforcing consequences, that they forget the equally important task of providing consistent encouragement and support for their child.

Here are some ideas for providing encouragement and support to your child whether they meet expectations or not:

When they meet expectations:

• Offer verbal praise – “I’m proud of you for getting your homework done without reminders.”
• Give a high five, fist bump, or hug (if appropriate).
• Follow through consistently on promised rewards
• Focus more on celebrating positive progress than you do on failures.
• Validate the positive emotions behind the accomplishment – pride, excitement, confidence, fulfillment.
• Recognize the effort and strengths that went into their success, big or small. Name specific strengths they utilized – “Your creativity and persistence really made this happen.”
• Help them celebrate what they had to overcome to succeed: If it’s something they were nervous about, say “You faced your fears and did it anyway. I’m proud of you.” If it’s a long term goal met, note their patience and resilience.

When they fail to meet expectations:

• Remain calm and understanding.
• Identify positive change – By concentrating on what you want to have happen rather than what you don’t, you actually accelerate the positive change.
• Celebrate small wins. Emphasize their positive gifts and attributes.
• Validate their feelings – “I’m sorry. I know you’re disappointed.”
• Remind them you still believe in them. Express confidence in them. People rise to the level of your belief in them. It shows in your tone of voice, posture, and gestures. It can be seen in your eyes. Think about people who have had a profound effect on your life because they believed in you. Consider how you have changed because of their strong conviction of your talent or worth, even when you didn’t see it yourself.
• Offer your support – “How can I help?”

A balance of compassion and accountability provides stability as they grow.

Think about the first time your child started walking, or learned to ride a bike successfully. Now think of all the times they fell down, or fell over on their way to achieving those milestones. What if you could look at their current struggles and be as supportive and encouraging as you were with those early victories?

Change Takes Time

Real change takes diligence and consistency over time. In many ways, that is what makes change so hard. How many New Year’s resolutions have you started only to find that by February, you are right back to the same old pattern. Realizing the difficulty of change can help you as a parent to be patient with your children as they struggle to change.

Take a moment to watch this video for some important insights:

Video: Parenting Principle 6: Change takes time and sustained effort

Problems that weren’t created in a day won’t be resolved in a day. We are talking about deep change here that will net important results in your relationships. Improvement in such a significant area rarely happens overnight.

To harvest the most meaningful results takes time, just as it does in nature. You plant a seed, water and cultivate it, protect it from the scorching sun, the hail, the weeds, then, if you have been diligent enough, you harvest the results.

That’s what we want you to do with the new efforts you are making. Protect your work from the common enemies of personal growth. Protect it from things like disbelief, cynicism, forgetfulness, lack of priority and focus, stress and perceived crises, fear of change, etc.

By remembering this, you will work to encourage more than you criticize, to support more than judge. You can even be patient with yourself without letting yourself give up.

Change Starts with You

Remember, while understanding these ideas is a good start, adopting and implementing them is what will really make a difference for you.

Video: Parenting Principle 7: Parents are the most powerful agents of change

Good parenting does not guarantee children will make good choices, but it does create the best chances that they will.

Use Your Support Network

As your child tests the boundaries, you are sure to be tempted to give in or even give up at times. Make sure that as a parent, you have another adult to talk to in order to keep you from losing perspective, throwing your hands in the air and surrendering in defeat. You need someone who can help you see what’s going well, someone who can encourage you and even help encourage your teen. This can be a parent coach, a therapist, or an objective family member or friend.

Having that outside voice of calm and steady validation or accountability, whichever one the case calls for, is going to keep you solid when you feel the earth starting to crumble.

Checklist

• Watch the video “Essential Skill: Holding Boundaries”
• Watch the video “Principle #6: Change Takes Time and Sustained Effort”
• Watch the video “Principle #7 Parents are the most powerful agents of change”

Need Additional Support?

Need customized help or ideas for what to do or say in a specific situation? Need help holding boundaries? Whenever you need professional support and guidance, we are here to help!

Find out more about our coaching services

What’s Next:

Now that you are prepared to hold boundaries and consistently follow through, let’s talk about the final step.