Now that you have better alignment and clarity about the issues and have some ideas about the expectations you have for them, the next step is to invite your teen to give his input.
Why seek your child’s feedback?
For many parents, talking with your teen about their behavior can be really difficult, especially when emotions are running high on both sides, but it’s a good idea to have a conversation at this point, before setting expectations & consequences. Here are a few ways it can help:
- It shows you respect their input. They’ll be more likely to cooperate with new rules if they feel heard.
- It builds trust and strengthens your relationship. You’re including them in the process rather than dictating rules.
- You may gain insight into factors driving the behavior that you weren’t aware of. This allows you to address the root causes more effectively.
- They can help identify rules and consequences they think would work well for them. This increases buy-in and the chances they’ll follow through.
- It’s a chance to express your concern for their wellbeing in a calm setting before emotions escalate.
- They can think through the logic of why the rules make sense. This builds their problem-solving skills for the future.
- You model good communication skills and conflict resolution rather than an authoritarian approach.
- The new rules will be informed by their perspective. This makes them more tailored and effective.
The conversation gives you an opportunity to guide your teen through understanding the problematic behavior, why change is needed, and how to collaborate on improving things. Done right, it can be a growth experience that brings you closer together.
How to seek feedback from your child
As a parent, you may be asking yourself: “What should our conversation look like?”, “What should I say?”.
Here is an example of a potential agenda for this type of conversation:
1. Share the goal or purpose of the discussion
- Set a collaborative tone
- Express desire to get their input before deciding on rules
- Explain the problematic behaviors observed
- Express care for their well-being and desire to help
- Invite their thoughts on the situation
2. Listen to their perspective
- Ask open-ended questions to understand their viewpoint
- Listen and validate their feelings
- If denial occurs, gently refocus on facts
3. Confirm your understanding of what is being shared
- Briefly summarize what you’ve learned to check understanding.
- Allow them to clarify or expand on any points
- The key is to restate what you believe you heard using a tone of genuine interest and desire to understand. Asking them to clarify or expand shows you are really listening and committed to finding solutions together.
4. Encourage ideas
- Have them suggest potential rules and consequences
- Contribute aligned parental ideas as well
- Find areas of agreement
5. Express confidence
- Affirm we are tackling this together
- Thank them for engaging in the discussion
- Convey trust in collaborating on a plan
6. Explain next steps:
- Parents will draft initial rules based on the discussion
- The teen will review on their own and provide feedback
- Parents will discuss their feedback and finalize the rules
Tips for helping the conversation stay positive
Here are some tips for having a productive conversation with your teen:
- Set a calm, collaborative tone.
- Express care and concern, not judgment or anger.
- Ask open-ended questions and actively listen.
- Avoid lecturing or criticizing. This will make them shut down. Keep the focus on understanding and solving the problem together.
- If they deny responsibility, gently redirect.
- Validate their feelings.
- Summarize to check understanding.
- If emotions escalate, take a break.
- Express your confidence in finding a solution together.
- Compromise where possible to incorporate their feedback. This helps gain buy-in to new rules.
- End positively emphasizing trust.
The key is to make your teen feel heard and involve them respectfully in the process. This prevents it from feeling like a lecture or punishment and instead fosters mutual understanding. Patience and empathy will lead to the most positive outcome.
Helpful Resources
Before you have this conversation, we recommend watching these short videos for important and helpful insights:
Checklist
Need Additional Support?
Navigating challenging conversations with teens can feel overwhelming at times for parents. If you ever feel you could use some professional support and guidance when facing a difficult discussion around behavior issues, We are here to help.
Find out more about our coaching services.
What’s Next:
You genuinely want to support your teen’s growth. That intention will guide you through this in a good way. Trust the process.
Once you have had a positive discussion with your teen and have heard their feedback, you are ready to move on to the next step!