We often find it useful to start the conversation on Solution Talk by exploring it’s opposite, Problem Talk. Here is a short definition and side-by-side comparison of each approach.
Solution Talk – a problem-solving approach that emphasizes collaboration, positive dialogue, and a focus on finding constructive solutions. It involves active listening, curiosity, empathy, and a willingness to explore various perspectives. Solution Talk seeks to empower individuals to participate in decision-making, fosters accountability, and aims to strengthen relationships by creating an environment of mutual respect and understanding.
Problem Talk – a problem-solving approach that is characterized by a focus on problems and often leads negativity, blame, and criticism. It often involves confrontational language, defensiveness, and a lack of active listening. Problem Talk can contribute to conflicts, strained relationships, and ineffective problem-solving. It tends to emphasize faults and shortcomings rather than seeking collaborative solutions.
| Aspect | Problem Talk | Solution Talk |
| Focus | Dwell on the problem | Emphasize finding solutions |
| Attitude | Blaming, criticizing, and confrontational | Positive, collaborative, and respectful |
| Emotional tone | Tense, frustrated, and defensive | Calm, composed, and open-minded |
| Communication style | One-sided, lecture-like | Two-way, interactive, and engaging |
| Language | Negative and critical | Positive, supportive, and constructive |
| Problem identification | Pointing out faults and shortcomings | Identifying areas for improvement and shared responsibility |
| Goal | Assigning blame and seeking validation | Collaborating to find a mutually agreeable solution |
| Decision-making | Imposed solutions without considering others’ perspectives | Involving all parties and valuing diverse ideas |
| Accountability | Finger-pointing and deflecting responsibility | Encouraging personal responsibility and commitment |
| Conflict resolution | Heightening conflicts and escalating arguments | Resolving conflicts through understanding and compromise |
| Relationship building | Strained relationships and diminished trust | Strengthened relationships and increased trust |
It can be temping to think, “why would anyone ever use Problem Talk?” — and we tend to agree. Still, it’s easy for well-meaning parents and teens to deviate toward Problem Talk in the heat of the moment or when we don’t communication with intention. Here is a scenario that illustrates Problem Talk in action.
In this scenario, a father receives a call from his high-school daughter’s teacher after she failed to turn in three math assignments and fell behind in an art project. The daughter, Sarah, had an existing history of bad school performance. When her father arrives at home, he finds Sarah watching T.V.
Listen to the Audio Version
Father: “Hey Sarah, I thought we were clear about our contract for your school performance.”
Sarah: “My school work is fine! Can’t we talk about this after my show?”
Father: “Well, if your school work is fine, why did Mr. Johnson call me today about your math assignments not being completed? And exactly how far behind are you on that art project?”
Sarah: “I don’t know why he is so worried about those, other students don’t have them done either, and the art project isn’t even due yet. It’s no big deal!”
Father: “No big deal? You’re starting to sound like the same old Sarah.”
Sarah: “Mr. Johnson NEVER gives us time to work on stuff in class. Why don’t you call him back and tell him if he has a problem with my school work, to come and talk with me about it, instead of calling my parents to get me in trouble.”
Father: “Your problem with school work is going to end right here. Turn off that television and get working on those late assignments.”
Sarah: “I hate this. You always find some way to order me around! When am I going to be able to live my own life?”
Father: “You can’t even manage a few simple assignments, how do you think…”
Sarah: “Whatever! I’m out of here!”
Father: (Sighs) Same old crap. Is anything ever going to change?
In this conversation between Sarah and her father, Problem Talk is prevalent. Let’s analyze the dialogue to identify the characteristics:
| Aspect | Father | Sarah |
| Focus | School performance and incomplete assignments | School work and timing of the conversation |
| Attitude | Confrontational and critical | Defensive and dismissive |
| Emotional tone | Tense and frustrated | Defensive and angry |
| Communication style | One-sided, lecture-like | Defensive and confrontational |
| Language | Negative and critical | Defensive and dismissive |
| Problem identification | Points out faults and shortcomings in school performance | Challenges the importance of the problem and blames the teacher |
| Goal | Seeking validation and enforcing compliance | Defending herself and questioning the father’s approach |
| Decision-making | Imposes solutions without considering Sarah’s perspective | Resistant to the imposed solution and seeks autonomy |
| Accountability | Deflects responsibility onto Sarah | Denies responsibility and shifts blame |
| Conflict resolution | Escalates argument and creates further conflict | Abruptly ends the conversation and leaves |
| Relationship building | Strains the relationship with critical and controlling approach | Trust and understanding are further diminished |
This conversation reflects the characteristics of Problem Talk, characterized by confrontation, blame, defensiveness, and a lack of collaborative problem-solving. The communication style is one-sided and lacks active listening, hindering effective resolution and straining the father-daughter relationship.
Recognizing the pitfalls of Problem Talk is essential for fostering healthier and more effective communication. In the next article, we will delve into the principles and techniques of Solution Talk, a problem-solving approach that emphasizes collaboration, positive dialogue, and a focus on finding constructive solutions. Solution Talk aims to strengthen relationships, empower individuals to participate in decision-making, and foster accountability. By embracing Solution Talk, parents and teens can create an environment of mutual respect, understanding, and shared responsibility. Stay tuned for the next article to learn how Solution Talk can transform your conversations and bring about positive change in your relationships.