Course: Solution Talk: A Parent’s Guide to Effective Communication in Families

“The power of Solution Talk lies in the understanding that what you focus on determines your outcomes. By placing your attention on solutions, you open doors to new possibilities and opportunities.” -Dr. Tim Thayne

With this quote in mind, the second pillar of Solution Talk is “Focusing on Solutions.”

We know how hard it can be to remain committed to Solution Talk when your teen or co-parent isn’t equally committed and draws you back into Problem Talk. In this lesson, we’ll review five common reasons Solution Talk devolves into Problem Talk. We’ll also share tactics you can employ to remain focused on Solution Talk.

Revisiting Our Case Study

First, let’s re-examine the Solution Talk conversation between Sarah and her father

In the conversation, Sarah expressed frustration with her math class and questioned the relevance of math in real life. This could have easily led her father to respond with a lecture about the importance of math, falling into the trap of Problem Talk. However, Sarah’s father skillfully navigated the conversation to stay on track with Solution Talk.

Instead of dismissing Sarah’s frustrations or lecturing her, her father acknowledged her feelings and empathized with her by recalling a similar situation from the past. He reminded Sarah of how she faced challenges in volleyball and successfully overcame them by seeking help from a teammate and committing to improvement. By making this connection, he redirected the conversation towards finding a solution rather than dwelling on the problem itself.

The father’s approach encouraged Sarah to reflect on her past experience and apply it to her current situation with math. He didn’t impose a specific solution or lecture her on the importance of math; instead, he led her toward a self-guided decision. He prompted Sarah to consider seeking assistance from one of her classmates, empowering her to take ownership of finding a solution.

This interaction exemplifies how a conversation can easily veer toward Problem Talk but can be effectively redirected back to Solution Talk through active listening, empathy, and guiding the other person to explore potential solutions. By understanding the ways in which people divert Solution Talk into Problem Talk, we can become more aware of these tendencies and develop strategies to stay focused on constructive and solution-oriented conversations.

Five Common Triggers that Divert Solution Talk into Problem Talk:

Consider the following ways people often divert Solution Talk into Problem Talk – sometimes without the intention to do so:

1. Defensiveness: Teens may become defensive and deflect responsibility by shifting the focus onto others or external factors. They may avoid taking ownership of their actions or contributing to the solution.
2. Blaming: Instead of working collaboratively, teens may engage in blame-shifting and point fingers at others (such as parents, teachers, and friends) to avoid addressing their own role in the problem.
3. Resistance to Change: Teens may resist exploring new perspectives or alternative solutions, preferring to stick to their own preconceived ideas or resisting any form of compromise.
4. Negativity: Teens may adopt a negative attitude or pessimistic outlook, dismissing the potential for finding solutions or viewing problems as insurmountable.
5. Emotional Escalation: Teens may allow their emotions to escalate, leading to outbursts, conflicts, or shutting down communication altogether, making it difficult to engage in solution-oriented conversations.

Learning to recognize the triggers that can divert a conversation from Solution Talk to Problem Talk is crucial for effective communication and conflict resolution. It is important to be aware of these triggers not only when they are used by the other person but also when we might inadvertently employ them ourselves. When we catch ourselves or our teens derailing the conversation, we can consciously redirect it back to Solution Talk. Remaining vigilant and addressing these triggers allows us to create an environment that promotes understanding, collaboration, and growth.

Five Tips for Staying Focused on Solution Talk

When you find yourself face-to-face with a temptation to abandon Solution Talk for Problem Talk, you can employ the following tips to remain focused:

1. Active Listening: Parents can practice active listening, showing genuine interest and empathy towards their teen’s perspective, even when faced with diversionary tactics. By truly understanding their teen’s concerns, parents can guide the conversation back to problem-solving.
2. Stay Calm and Patient: It’s important for parents to maintain a calm and patient demeanor, even in the face of diversionary tactics. Responding with anger or frustration may escalate the situation and hinder productive dialogue.
3. Focus on the Future: When teens divert the conversation toward past problems, parents can reframe the issue and steer it back toward the need for a future-focused solution. They can remind the teen of the goal—finding solutions—and encourage them to explore alternative approaches.
4. Ask Solution-Oriented Questions: Parents can ask open-ended questions that promote solution-oriented thinking. By asking questions like, “What ideas do you have to resolve this?” or “How can we work together to find a solution?”, parents encourage their teen to think constructively.
5. Emphasize Collaboration: Parents can emphasize the importance of teamwork and collaboration. By emphasizing that finding solutions is a joint effort, parents encourage their teen to actively participate and engage in problem-solving discussions.
6. Take a “Time Out”: Sometimes a conversation get’s so derailed that it is more effective to call for a break than it is to remedy the conversation right now. Taking time outs gives parents and teens time to collect themselves and recommit to Solution Talk.

Remember, maintaining focus on Solution Talk can be challenging, but by employing these tactics and consistently reinforcing a solution-oriented mindset, parents can steer conversations back on track and foster a positive and constructive environment for problem-solving with their teen.

Next Up

In the next lesson, we’ll discuss the third pillar of Solution Talk: Managing Emotions.