Dr. Tim Thayne Presents:
I was standing near our front door saying goodbye to our guest when a movement in the door window caught my attention. “Would you look at that? A bird just landed on my wreath!” “Actually it looks like she has built a nest in your wreath,” the visitor chuckled. Sure enough, as I got closer I could see that there was a neatly formed nest tucked into the grapevine twigs and bright yellow silk flowers. Inside the softly padded nest were five, perfectly-formed, blue eggs. I thought about what an unfortunate and dangerous location the expectant mother had chosen.
The constant opening and closing of the door, winds, and our household pets roaming the porch just three feet below made it so this bird was constantly anxious. She flew back and forth between safety in a tree and to the nest to warm her eggs. I identify with this Bird. My Children are being raised in a stormy world, in dangerous conditions. How had I done in keeping them safe? Would they grow up and successfully “leave the nest?” Did they know they could find welcome refuge if they needed to return home for a time?
Years earlier, as a young mother, I was cleaning up the home office when I saw something on the printer. I picked up the document that was laying face down on it. When I flipped it over, the pornographic image shocked me and made me sick to my stomach. What was this garbage doing in our home? I marched upstairs to our thirteen-year-old son’s bedroom where he was sound asleep. I stood at the foot of his bed and flung the print-out at him and demanded to know: “What is this?” Bleary-eyed and scared he flushed and mumbled. Then tears and the story spilled out
of him. He had struggled with the incessant draw of pornography since he had first come across it at age 11. »
We had no idea he had been exposed to it and struggling on his own for that long. My heart broke. It would break many, many times after that for him. This unwelcomed revelation started what would turn into more than 15 years of individual counseling, 12 step addiction recovery groups, intensive out-patient treatment, and expensive out-of-home treatment programs. Not to mention loads of disappointment, despair, and depression.
This sweet and generous soul struggled with school, friendships, daily functioning, employment, and any romantic interests. His addiction led him to dangerous behaviors that scared him as much as it did us. If there was any saving grace, it was that he always told the truth. He didn’t want to hide it and we knew we could trust him when we asked what was going on and if he was still sober.
He worked at each program. He worked on his own. He reached out to others who struggled with the same addiction and he never gave in to the lies that “This is just who I am. I can’t change. And everybody looks at porn.” Recently I asked “What could we have done differently?” I wanted to know how I could be a more trustworthy support person, rather than a helpless bystander. So many of our friends feel the same as they watch their children struggle in the storms of addictions, mental health challenges or any number of limitations. Here’s what he revealed:
–Listen. I know I need my backside kicked sometimes, but what I need more is someone to talk to.
–Stop using shame and “what if” questions (“What if your siblings saw this stuff? How will you ever have a healthy relationship with these images in your head?) as a tactic to wake me up . . . no matter how frustrated you get. It heaps more stress onto a stressful situation and can push me into seeking a “release.”
–Ask better questions like “Did you have a win today? Tell me about it.” It helps me feel like I am on the road to recovery.
–Get better at talking about uncomfortable or taboo things like body parts, sex, etc.
–Showing your love through physical and emotional affection, especially after a relapse or not following through on my commitments.
–Listening to me when I want to share that I am doing well that day or when I’ve just relapsed.
–Allowing me to read my journal entries aloud to you and commenting on other ways you’ve seen progress.
–Never giving me any reason to believe that you had given up on me. That would have convinced me I was doomed to failure.
–Allowing me to share big relapses with Dad and the day-to-day struggles of my addict brain with Mom.
–Searching for solutions, doing the research, and setting up appointments was a huge stress reliever for someone living in the fog of addiction.
–Remaining available, even when you were so busy. You’d say, “Hey, I have to take this call, but can we talk in 20 minutes? I really want to hear about it.”
Today I sent up a prayer for the little family of birds nesting on our front door window. I pray they’ll have the time needed to fully develop. I pray for their safety in a dangerous environment. Lastly, I pray that their home will remain a soft place to land . . . until they find the strength to fly free. ■
The author has learned to cope with a child’s addiction by remembering that this is only a small part of their story. She also finds relief by reading personal development books, swapping ideas with other parents of addicts, and organizing happy events that gather the family.
Dr. Tim Thayne Presents:
Mike is one of those brilliant, self-taught, back end developers that you always hear about. As a youth he could trust that “My mother would love me no matter what . . .” When he isn’t cranking out new code, Mike keeps up on the newest technologies and every Tuesday and Thursday nights he trains SpeedSoft with his team.
Rafael has his degree in Marketing and Advertising and years of experience with our dev team. As a teen he could trust that “The most important thing in life is love, and the most valuable things are our family and friends.” When he isn’t working on making the website and mobile versions of Trustyy seamless and functional, he unwinds by exploring nature. His favorite activities are climbing mountains, camping, going to the beach, swimming, playing the harmonica and always learning new things.
Afton’s experience is in marketing and bookkeeping. As a teen she could trust that with her parents “Feeding the horses and milking the cow each day before school–not after–was a must.” When she isn’t busy with keeping Trustyy’s lights on, you’ll usually find her baking up a new treat or working on a sewing project.
Nicoli has a degree in Multimedia Production. She has worked with our team of developers for three years. She learned to trust her own parents when they taught her “Things won’t come easy and that working hard will bring me great blessings!” When she isn’t putting together beautiful marketing pieces for the Trustyy App she likes to take pictures, play the guitar, piano, and drums, and meet up with her family to laugh over the silly things they did as kids.
Adriano is certified in Analysis and Systems Development. In his family he could trust the fact that “One difficult experience teaches me that failure is not the end, but rather an opportunity for growth and learning.” When he is away from his work in making sure the Trustyy App buttons and bells and whistles are working properly, he likes to go to the gym, to the beach to surf, on walks with his dog, or go out with his girlfriend.
Lucas’s work experience is in User Experience, Interface Design and Product Management. As a teen he could trust that “In my home honesty was highly valued and lying was not tolerated.” When he isn’t at work making sure the Trustyy App is easy on the eyes, Lucas likes hiking, gaming, going out for dinner, and spending time with family.
Cadu has his education in Analysis and System Development. While growing up he could always trust that “My parents would be there to support from playing soccer at the park to learning to ride a bike.” When he isn’t making sure things are easily navigated for our Trustyy App users, he likes to play beach soccer and enjoy music of any type, but specifically rock, country, R&B, and pop.
Mike is one of those brilliant, self-taught, back-end developers that you always hear about. As a youth he could trust that “My mother would love me no matter what.” When he isn’t cranking out new code, Mike keeps up on the newest technologies and every Tuesday and Thursday nights he trains SpeedSoft with his team.
Roxanne received her bachelor’s degree in history and secondary education. She has worked in publishing and marketing for the past 14 years. In her family Roxanne says she could trust that “Her grammar and posture would be consistently corrected, to help her to become a lady.” When she isn’t busy writing and beautifying things for the Trustyy App, you can find her reading biographies, practicing yoga, or gathering the family to talk business, celebrate wins or just plain hang out.
Sidney has a bachelor’s degree in Web Development and has worked in technology for 16 years, building apps for the last 10 years. Growing up he could trust that “It was always expected that I would fix anything related to technology.” When he isn’t managing the development of the Trustyy App, you will find him spending time with his wife and kids. He loves to make Brazillian BBQ with his family.
Jim has a degree in Design and over 25 years of experience creating SaaS products and managing talented product and development teams. In his years at home as the oldest of five he could trust that “Each child got a weekly ‘night-up’ where we got to stay up late with a parent and do anything we wanted with them.” When he isn’t looking 10 miles down the road for what will come next on the Trustyy App, you will find Jim canyoneering, doing photography, watercolor painting, or keeping up on the latest gadgets and technologies.
Eric earned his degree in Communications, Public Relations and Advertising, then added on an MBA. He says he could trust that “His parents were honest people who kept their commitments–especially to their kids.” When Eric isn’t keeping everyone at Trustyy on task, he is an outdoor enthusiast, year around, rain or shine, cold or hot, with biking in the summer and skiing in the winter.
Tim earned masters and doctoral degrees in Marriage and Family Therapy, and has 30 years of experience working with families. While growing up Tim says he could trust that “My mother would love me no matter what, and that my dad would require that I respect my mother.” When he isn’t busy guiding the vision for the Trustyy App, you can find Tim working around the house and yard, taking care of his sheep, dogs and horses, or enjoying a game of Corn Hole with the family.
