A Soft Place to Land: Making Room for an Addict

I was standing near our front door saying goodbye to our guest when a movement in the door window caught my attention.

“Would you look at that? A bird just landed on my wreath!”
“Actually it looks like she has built a nest in your wreath,” the visitor chuckled.

Sure enough, as I got closer I could see that there was a neatly formed nest tucked into the grapevine twigs and bright yellow silk flowers. Inside the softly padded nest were five, perfectly-formed, blue eggs. I thought about what an unfortunate and dangerous location the expectant mother had chosen.

The constant opening and closing of the door, winds, and our household pets roaming the porch just three feet below made it so this bird was constantly anxious. She flew back and forth between safety in a tree and to the nest to warm her eggs. I identify with this bird. My children are being raised in a stormy world, in dangerous conditions. How had I done in keeping them safe? Would they grow up and successfully “leave the nest?” Did they know they could find welcome refuge if they needed to return home for a time?

Years earlier, as a young mother, I was cleaning up the home office when I saw something on the printer. I picked up the document that was laying face down on it.

When I flipped it over, the pornographic image shocked me and made me sick to my stomach. What was this garbage doing in our home? I marched upstairs to our thirteen-year-old son’s bedroom where he was sound asleep. I stood at the foot of his bed and flung the print-out at him and demanded to know: “What is this?”

Bleary-eyed and scared he flushed and mumbled. Then tears and the story spilled out of him. He had struggled with the incessant draw of pornography since he had first come across it at age 11.

We had no idea he had been exposed to it and struggling on his own for that long. My heart broke. It would break many, many times after that for him.

This unwelcomed revelation started what would turn into more than 15 years of individual counseling, 12-step addiction recovery groups, intensive out-patient treatment, and expensive out-of-home treatment programs. Not to mention loads of disappointment, despair, and depression.

This sweet and generous soul struggled with school, friendships, daily functioning, employment, and any romantic interests. His addiction led him to dangerous behaviors that scared him as much as it did us.

If there was any saving grace, it was that he always told the truth. He didn’t want to hide it and we knew we could trust him when we asked what was going on and if he was still sober.

He worked at each program. He worked on his own. He reached out to others who struggled with the same addiction and he never gave in to the lies that “This is just who I am. I can’t change. And everybody looks at porn.”

Recently I asked “what could we have done differently?” I wanted to know how I could be a more trustworthy support person, rather than a helpless bystander. So many of our friends feel the same as they watch their children struggle in the storms of addictions, mental health challenges or any number of limitations.

Here’s what he revealed:

DO BETTER:

• Listen. I know I need my backside kicked sometimes, but what I need more is someone to talk to.
• Stop using shame and “what if” questions (“What if your siblings saw this stuff? How will you ever have a healthy relationship with these images in your head?) as a tactic to wake me up. . . no matter how frustrated you get. It heaps more stress onto a stressful situation and can push me into seeking a “release.”
• Ask better questions like “Did you have a win today? Tell me about it.” It helps me feel like I am on the road to recovery.
• Get better at talking about uncomfortable or taboo things like body parts, sex, etc.

WELL DONE:

• Showing your love through physical and emotional affection, especially after a relapse or not following through on my commitments.
• Listening to me when I want to share that I am doing well that day or when I’ve just relapsed.
• Allowing me to read my journal entries aloud to you and commenting on other ways you’ve seen progress.
• Never giving me any reason to believe that you had given up on me. That would have convinced me I was doomed to failure.
• Allowing me to share big relapses with Dad and the day-to-day struggles of my addict brain with Mom.
• Searching for solutions, doing the research, and setting up appointments was a huge stress reliever for someone living in the fog of addiction.
• Remaining available, even when you were so busy. You’d say, “Hey, I have to take this call, but can we talk in 20 minutes? I really want to hear about it.”

Today I sent up a prayer for the little family of birds nesting on our front door window. I pray they’ll have the time needed to fully develop. I pray for their safety in a dangerous environment. Lastly, I pray that their home will remain a soft place to land . . . until they find the strength to fly free.

– Anonymous

The author has learned to cope with a child’s addiction by remembering that this is only a small part of their story. She also finds relief by reading personal development books, swapping ideas with other parents of addicts, and organizing happy events that gather the family.