“Wow. It’s still standing.” I said, when I spotted that two-room pioneer-era cabin.

It sits alone in the middle of a vast high-desert valley. It’s all that can be seen from the highway that races cars full of unaware travelers past it on their ways to more exciting destinations.

The rustic home’s wood plank exterior is black with age. The windows are long gone. The chimney is a crumbling tower of stone. And it has a definite lean to the south from decades of wind. There are no out-buildings or fences anymore. Only the small home of an anonymous family survives. And each time I comment to my fellow travelers “I wonder what those walls have seen.”

The walls of a home must absorb whatever happens within them. Whether they are constructed of drywall, brick, cinder-block, adobe, wood, sheet metal, canvas, earth or ice, they silently witness the lives of their inhabitants. Or so I like to imagine anyway.

If walls could talk, wouldn’t they share the words most often repeated, as well as the ones that had the most impact in human experience? I believe so. And for me those phrases would fall all along the range of our family life. From our most mundane, to our most tragic, to our most celebratory:

The realities of our days aren’t glamorous. They are simply . . . reality.

Over the years our nuclear family make-up has included people in all sorts of combinations: aging parents, newlywed couples, cousins, overnight guests, and friends of our kids. All of them have influenced the space. Their conversations have revealed the work, worry, and wishes of their lives.

And the walls silently absorbed their words.
It may sound silly, but from the time I was little, I’ve believed that inanimate objects had feelings. So, as I have cleaned, rearranged, decorated and used our living space, I have dreamed that our home was grateful we chose to live out our lives under its roof.

And if there were just one phrase that was most consistently and indelibly impressed on its walls, I hope it would be “Hooray! You’re home.”

I was standing near our front door saying goodbye to our guest when a movement in the door window caught my attention. “Would you look at that? A bird just landed on my wreath!” “Actually it looks like she has built a nest in your wreath,” the visitor chuckled. Sure enough, as I got closer I could see that there was a neatly formed nest tucked into the grapevine twigs and bright yellow silk flowers. Inside the softly padded nest were five, perfectly-formed, blue eggs. I thought about what an unfortunate and dangerous location the expectant mother had chosen.
The constant opening and closing of the door, winds, and our household pets roaming the porch just three feet below made it so this bird was constantly anxious. She flew back and forth between safety in a tree and to the nest to warm her eggs. I identify with this Bird. My Children are being raised in a stormy world, in dangerous conditions. How had I done in keeping them safe? Would they grow up and successfully “leave the nest?” Did they know they could find welcome refuge if they needed to return home for a time?

Years earlier, as a young mother, I was cleaning up the home office when I saw something on the printer. I picked up the document that was laying face down on it. When I flipped it over, the pornographic image shocked me and made me sick to my stomach. What was this garbage doing in our home? I marched upstairs to our thirteen-year-old son’s bedroom where he was sound asleep. I stood at the foot of his bed and flung the print-out at him and demanded to know: “What is this?” Bleary-eyed and scared he flushed and mumbled. Then tears and the story spilled out
of him. He had struggled with the incessant draw of pornography since he had first come across it at age 11. »

We had no idea he had been exposed to it and struggling on his own for that long. My heart broke. It would break many, many times after that for him. This unwelcomed revelation started what would turn into more than 15 years of individual counseling, 12 step addiction recovery groups, intensive out-patient treatment, and expensive out-of-home treatment programs. Not to mention loads of disappointment, despair, and depression.

This sweet and generous soul struggled with school, friendships, daily functioning, employment, and any romantic interests. His addiction led him to dangerous behaviors that scared him as much as it did us. If there was any saving grace, it was that he always told the truth. He didn’t want to hide it and we knew we could trust him when we asked what was going on and if he was still sober.

He worked at each program. He worked on his own. He reached out to others who struggled with the same addiction and he never gave in to the lies that “This is just who I am. I can’t change. And everybody looks at porn.” Recently I asked “What could we have done differently?” I wanted to know how I could be a more trustworthy support person, rather than a helpless bystander. So many of our friends feel the same as they watch their children struggle in the storms of addictions, mental health challenges or any number of limitations. Here’s what he revealed:

DO BETTER:

–Listen. I know I need my backside kicked sometimes, but what I need more is someone to talk to.
–Stop using shame and “what if” questions (“What if your siblings saw this stuff? How will you ever have a healthy relationship with these images in your head?) as a tactic to wake me up . . . no matter how frustrated you get. It heaps more stress onto a stressful situation and can push me into seeking a “release.”
–Ask better questions like “Did you have a win today? Tell me about it.” It helps me feel like I am on the road to recovery.
–Get better at talking about uncomfortable or taboo things like body parts, sex, etc.

WELL DONE:

–Showing your love through physical and emotional affection, especially after a relapse or not following through on my commitments.
–Listening to me when I want to share that I am doing well that day or when I’ve just relapsed.
–Allowing me to read my journal entries aloud to you and commenting on other ways you’ve seen progress.
–Never giving me any reason to believe that you had given up on me. That would have convinced me I was doomed to failure.
–Allowing me to share big relapses with Dad and the day-to-day struggles of my addict brain with Mom.
–Searching for solutions, doing the research, and setting up appointments was a huge stress reliever for someone living in the fog of addiction.
–Remaining available, even when you were so busy. You’d say, “Hey, I have to take this call, but can we talk in 20 minutes? I really want to hear about it.”

Today I sent up a prayer for the little family of birds nesting on our front door window. I pray they’ll have the time needed to fully develop. I pray for their safety in a dangerous environment. Lastly, I pray that their home will remain a soft place to land . . . until they find the strength to fly free. ■

The author has learned to cope with a child’s addiction by remembering that this is only a small part of their story. She also finds relief by reading personal development books, swapping ideas with other parents of addicts, and organizing happy events that gather the family.

Most parents who have struggled with difficult children have felt helpless and hopeless. When the situation requires outside professionals to help turn the tide of declining behavior, it is easy to feel that the professionals are the only way to get change.

While it is true that professionals can help to create change, it might mislead you to believe that you, as the parent, have lost your ability to influence your child. The truth is that you have a role that no one can replace. And because of that role, you are the most powerful agent of change in your child’s life.

You have the potential to be the strongest influence on their lives because of the (a) nature of your relationship with your children, (b) the amount of contact you have with your children, and (c) the ability you have to influence your children’s environment.

One teen appeared to have been involved in something inappropriate. The parents’ first thought was that the teen was back to old patterns, and they became hopeless. They felt like being reactionary, as they had done in the past.

As they calmed down, they recognized there were other ways to handle the situation. They discussed the situation with the teen in a calm manner and he was respectful in return. The parents recognized that their ability to manage difficult behaviors in a positive way invited their son to respond well. They realized that they could be powerful agents of change just by the way they approached difficult situations.

Recognizing that you are the most powerful agent of change in your child’s life will influence the way you work with family professionals. Rather than looking to them to fix your child, you will look to them as a resource to assist you in helping your child. If you have been uninvolved in therapy sessions, you will ask the therapist how you might be included in helpful ways. Instead of simply “downloading” information to the professionals in hopes that they will do something to change your son or daughter, you will find yourself wanting to “upload” suggestions from your program therapist and your transition coach regarding suggestions and ideas you might be able to implement which will make a difference in your family.

Finally, the reality that parents are the most powerful agent of change emphasizes the importance of parents learning and implementing the core parenting principles.

We have found that when parents grasp these principles and become effective at implementing them, they feel empowered and experience a sense of peace knowing that they are doing their part to maximize the potential for their children to grow into mature and healthy adults.

From Your Trustyy Coach

In your efforts to create change, be careful not to evaluate your efforts too soon. Remember, that it takes time to undo some family patterns. When you make a change or try and new approach, do not judge its effectiveness immediately. Remember, consistency is the one ingredient required in all recipes for change!

In some ways, your influence as a parent will not be noticed or acknowledged until years after your children are grown and on their own. So often, this recognition comes when your children become parents themselves. If nothing else, when you feel like giving up, remind yourself that you are raising the parent of your own grandchildren. Remind yourself, “What I do now will help my child know what to do when his child acts like this. So how do I want my child to treat my grandchild?”

Change is rarely immediate and is often difficult to sustain. Many of us have experiences with unfulfilled New Year’s resolutions as evidence of this fact!

Your child deserves the same understanding and support as anyone who is struggling to change a difficult habit. This includes being patient and forgiving.

Especially when a teen has been in a treatment program, parents often expect changes to occur immediately and without relapse to old patterns. Those who have this belief find themselves becoming frustrated when their hopes for ‘clean cut’ change are not met. Those who are able to accept that change takes time and sustained effort find their frustration level decreasing and their patience and stamina increasing.

A parent of a teen who was addicted to drugs and alcohol was having trouble with the teen’s school attendance. The teen frequently skipped school so he could do drugs with his friends. One day the teen’s mother called the police when she knew he was skipping school. She encouraged them to press charges against him. This brought about a court case in which the teen was put on probation and the mother was able to request that the teen be court ordered to recovery. The judge agreed and the teen was so ordered.

The mom understands that this change is something that will take time and her intervention may be just one in a long line of interventions until he realizes for himself that he needs to change. Because the mom understands that change takes time she is able to have hope in the midst of a difficult situation. She is also able to respond in ways that increase her positive influence on her son.

The change process

There has been extensive scholarly work on how people change problem behaviors such as overeating, smoking, abusing alcohol, etc.1 The findings have been successfully applied to a wide variety of change-promoting programs. To our knowledge, it has not been adapted for parents and yet it provides valuable insights for parents as they seek to help encourage change in their children. Consequently, we’re adapting it here for your use.

The underlying concept is that change is a process with certain stages that have been identified. People (you, me, your teen) rarely leap to the last stage of the process. Instead, they move from one stage to the next, often slipping into previous steps before successfully making the desired change. Recognizing these stages can help you know how to encourage someone to move from one stage to another.

The five stages of change are listed below.

Precontemplation – (“Problem? What problem?”)

In this stage people are not considering making changes.

People don’t consider a particular behavior a problem, though others may see clearly that it is.

They also tend to underestimate the benefits of change and overestimate the costs of change.

They are not looking at making changes in the next 6 months

Contemplation – (“Maybe someday.”)

People have intentions of changing in the upcoming months.

They are more aware of the pros and cons of change

They have some ambivalence towards creating change.

Preparation – (“How am I going to make this change?”)

People intend to take action in the next 30 days.

The person is still considering what to do.

Action – (“I’m doing it. One step at a time.”)

They are actively changing their behavior.

They may slip into old patterns here and there.

Maintenance – (“Now I just need to keep from slipping back.”)

Effort is being made to maintain positive changes.

Others may be commenting on the positive changes they have seen.

In considering these stages, it can be helpful to point out that people can be in differing stages for various issues. For example, your teen may be contemplating whether he wants to stay away from marijuana (stage 2), while he may be in the decidedly working on improving his respectful behavior at home (stage 4). Or, your teen may be contemplating whether she is willing to give up social media (stage 2), but in the midst of preparing to join the photography club at school that you’ve been encouraging her to join (stage 3).

Inviting movement to the next stage

Identify two or three ongoing concerns you have regarding your teen. See if you can determine which stage of change your teen is in for each topic you have listed.

Although you have made an educated guess at which stage your teen is in for those topics you listed, we would encourage you to recognize that your best guess may be wrong. Consequently, we invite you to look for moments when you can talk with your teen about the topics you have listed. Instead of trying to change him, spend all of your effort simply trying to learn what stage of change he is in. Often, it’s as simple as asking.

“Max, I don’t know if I’ve ever asked you this, but I was wondering, is there a point at which you think you will choose to give up cigarettes?”

“Chris, we’ve talked a lot about you losing weight – maybe even too much. I don’t know if we’ve ever just asked you what you want.”

In addition to the ideas presented below, we encourage you to read and apply the principles taught in the Solution Talk module. Sometimes changing something as simple as the way we talk about a concern can make a big difference in whether changes occur or not.

Although we will share with you how you can influence your teen’s desire to change, remember it’s not about controlling your teen. He is going to make his own decisions and you cannot force him (at least not for too long) to make the right choice.

With that, let’s look at what you “CAN” do as a parent if your teen doesn’t even think their behavior is a problem or that a change is necessary.

Facilitate progress to the next stage

• Create awareness: Help your teen see the consequences of their behavior.
• Allow feelings: Let your teen feel the unpleasant emotions that follow poor choices.
• Note the impact: Teach them how their actions impact others.
• Create awareness: Remember, one of your roles as a parent is to teach. Sometimes that means helping your teen understand the facts about his behavior – how it will affect his body, his schooling, the impact it might have on his future, his ability to find good jobs, etc. Keep in mind, though, that good teachers share information in ways that will most likely be accepted. So lectures and criticisms are not the best options available to you. Using a little creativity can help. Remember, just like marriage proposals, some messages will be rejected no matter how well delivered they are.

One teen thought he understood the impact of drugs and the danger of them. His mom recognized that his view of drugs was limited and left him vulnerable. She created notes with messages similar to those you might find in drug awareness commercials. She then posted them periodically in various places where she knew her son would see them. This alone did not change his behavior, but he started to think more about the possible consequences of his drug use. In addition, the “post it” notes also sent a powerful secondary message: “I love you too much to say nothing.”

Ways to create awareness include providing helpful literature, suggesting particular TV programs, websites, or podcasts, and directly giving feedback about the consequences of your teen’s behavior. This is most effective if parents do it in a caring, non-attacking manner without overtones of blaming, disgust, or anger.

Increased awareness of the facts doesn’t propel a person to immediate change, but it does help invite them to begin to think more about their actions, thus inviting them into the Contemplation Stage.

Allow feelings: When our children are making poor choices, they are likely to experience unpleasant emotions. Sometimes parents feel sorry for them and rescue them from the emotion or in some way help the unpleasant emotion disappear quickly. This principle applies with all teens, thought it will play out differently depending on their issues. If your child is struggling with anxiety, for example, they may try to avoid situations, responsibilities, etc. because of unpleasant feelings. They may try to get you to make “accommodations” to allow them to escape these feelings. Making accommodations, however, only reinforces their anxiety and prevents change.

For a teen who is using substances, their choices may lead to getting in trouble at school or with the law. At times, parents are tempted to step in and negotiate on their behalf in order to resolve the problem with minimal difficulty. In these moments, it is helpful to remember that unpleasant emotions will help your teen want to stop making the poor choice.

This same teen in the opening example about being truant from school eventually ended up being taken to the juvenile center. The mom was encouraged by the sheriff and the staff of the juvenile center to come and get him right away. She told them that she was not going to go and get him. She wanted him to feel the emotions of being locked up. He was afraid, but she knew he needed to experience the feelings that accompany the consequences of his behavior. She did not save him from those feelings.

Note the impact: People are helped through the change process as they notice the impact of their behavior on others. Generally we don’t want to hurt those we love or others around us. In the example of an adult smoking, ‘noting the impact’ may be watching someone you love suffer the effects of your smoking. It may be watching your child be diagnosed with asthma because of the second-hand smoke that she inhaled over the past 6 years of her life.

The teen in the example above came home from juvenile detention and apologized to his sister. He was able to see that his behavior of stealing and selling her things so he could continue to buy drugs had impacted his relationship with her. He was beginning to see that his behavior had an impact on her.

Parents (or members of the Home Team) can point out to the teen the impact of his behavior on his family and friends, including the effects of his behavior as a role model. Again, it needs to be done in a matter-of-fact way and at a time when you have been able to find your teen somewhat open to a conversation. It could be done with written notes. Avoid sending a message that you don’t accept and value your teen himself. Simply point out effects on others, without adding anger or blame.

All of these responses above may influence your teen to change; but it is not an immediate process. It may be slow and sometimes painful to watch. Your teen may have moved from precontemplation to contemplation – where he thinks that he will change in the coming months. Once your teen is in the contemplation stage, there are additional things that you can “DO” to help him move to the preparation stage.

Develop a New Image

Offer Confidence and Support

Develop a new image: If you can’t imagine it, you probably won’t achieve it. Similarly, if you don’t believe something is possible, you probably won’t try to do it. Given these points, it is helpful when your teen can imagine what he would be like if he were to change (overcome the problem). It is equally important for him to believe he can actually be that type of person if he tries.

Parents can help the teen visualize what she will be like without the problem behavior. This can be done in casual, optimistic comments without any element of scolding or disrespect.

“I can see you being a lot less stressed once you learned to not procrastinate your work.”

“You are such a thoughtful and cheerful person. Sometimes drugs seem to hide that part of you.”

Healthy role models are useful tools in helping your teen develop a new image of herself. When teens can identify someone they want to be like AND they believe that they can become like that person, it can be a very powerful motivator. It is especially powerful when that role model takes an interest in your teen and regularly encourages her and compliments her. As a parent, you can help facilitate that connection by inviting those potential role models to reach out to your teen.

If nothing else, you can help your teen believe that she can be like someone she admires. Simple statements can plant seeds of hope within your teen. For example, “Wendy’s a great person isn’t she? (Teen acknowledges.) You know, the two of you actually have some similar characteristics. I could see you being a lot like her when you’re that age.” Obviously, this comment needs to be genuine and you should be ready to share some specifics if your teen asks you to.

Offer confidence and support: Teens will often act like they don’t want to make a change because they are afraid they fail when they try. As a result, although a teen may be contemplating making a change, he may not look like it. Many of us are tempted to respond to our teen’s lack of effort by criticizing his choices or giving lectures. It can sometimes feel strange expressing confidence and offering support when your teen hasn’t even said he wants to change, but it can also be just what he needs from you.

Regardless of how your confidence and support influence your teen’s desire to change, it will without doubt help strengthen your relationship with your teen. This is crucial because the quality of your relationship will affect every effort you make to help.

Recognize progress

Few things undermine change more than not recognizing the changes which have occurred. If your child improves and then you question that improvement or tell him he “hasn’t changed at all,” you can expect to see the improvement disappear. In fact, you will likely see your child get worse in that area.

On the other hand, any acknowledgment of change will generally invite additional improvement. Consequently, take great effort to notice and comment on even small improvements. Use various methods to compliment a thoughtful comment, a card, an email, etc. Do not overdo it, though. If you are not genuine, your child will sense it and the potency of all of your compliments will decrease. In addition, be specific in pointing out positive changes you notice. This is more instructive and more believable.

When you share a compliment, let it stand on its own. Avoid the temptation to use it as a springboard to request further change. (e.g., “I’m really impressed with how fast you jumped on that task and got it done. Now if you would just do that more often….”)

In the first few days of being back home, Josh’s parents commented to him several times “We’re so proud of how well you are doing…we just hope it continues.” The family specialist noticed that each time Josh would perk up as he heard the first part of the comment, then the excitement would leave as he heard “we just hope it continues.” The parents were coached to notice the subtle way they were communicating doubt. Within an hour, both parents were able to send the different message, “We’re so proud of you; we know you’ll continue to do well.” Upon hearing his parents’ encouragement, Josh nodded his head in agreement, affirming that he would continue to succeed.

Ponder and identify one or a few small steps of progress your teen has made lately. Communicate to him that you have noticed, and compliment him for it.

Change does take time. Recognizing this can free you as parents from some frustration and disappointment, and can help you support your teen’s efforts. Specifically, when you understand which stage your teen is in, you can give appropriate support. And acknowledging small positive steps that do occur will strengthen both your teen’s efforts and your relationship with him.

Sources:

1) The Transtheoretical Model of Change, based on the work of J.O. Prochaska and others. See, for example, Prochaska, J.O.(1999). How do people change, and how can we change to help many more people? In M.A. Hubble, B.L, Duncan, & S.D. Miller (#es.),The heart and soul of change (pp. 227-232). Washington, D.C.:American Psychological Association.

Assignment

What experiences have you had with goals or resolutions that you didn’t achieve as quickly or well as you’d hoped?

Identify two or three ongoing concerns you have regarding your teen. See if you can determine which stage of change your teen is in for each topic you have listed.

• Although you have made an educated guess at which stage your teen is in for those topics you listed, we would encourage you to recognize that your best guess may be wrong. Consequently, we invite you to look for moments when you can talk with your teen about the topics you have listed. Instead of trying to change him, spend all of your effort simply trying to learn what stage of change he is in. Often, it’s as simple as asking.
• “Max, I don’t know if I’ve ever asked you this, but I was wondering, is there a point at which you think you will choose to give up cigarettes?”
• “Chris, we’ve talked a lot about you losing weight maybe even too much. I don’t know if we’ve ever just asked you what you want.”
• In addition to the ideas presented below, we encourage you to read and apply the principles taught in the Solution Talk module. Sometimes changing something as simple as the way we talk about a concern can make a big difference in whether changes occur or not.

Ponder and identify one or a few small steps of progress your teen has made lately. Communicate to him that you have noticed, and compliment him for i

Implementing the first four principles and then failing to be unified as parents is like building a brick home but forgetting to use mortar. With minimal force, the structure you have built will be weakened and eventually crumble. Parental unity is the mortar which provides added stability and strength to the family.

Benefits

Presenting a united front can be a challenging task for parents; however, there are many benefits to mastering this skill. First, a united front reduces your children’s attempts to play one parent against the other in a manipulative manner which often can lead to marital conflict about parenting decisions. In addition, a united front also results in less arguing and less testing of the boundaries by the child. Eventually, when parents are successful at being seen by their children as unified, the child rarely will go to the other parent when one parent is doing or saying something the child does not like.

Second, being unified as parents strengthens each parent’s authority, individually and collectively.

Consider the following scenario.

Your child comes and tells you that mom won’t let him go out with his friends tonight. They go on to say they don’t have a test tomorrow in school and have all their homework done. You then decide to let him go as a reward because he has been doing so well in school.

This has just weakened your wife’s power, made it more likely in the future that your son will not honor your wife’s decisions, and will now come to you first to get his way. So although you might win brownie points if you are more lenient than your spouse, you will ultimately serve to undermine your spouse’s authority. It will also be more difficult for you to maintain clear boundaries, rules, etc. because they will see you as lenient and escalate if necessary to get what they want from you.

Last but not least, unity as parents models for your children a healthy parenting style that your children will likely adopt in their own parenting down the road.

Challenges

• One of the biggest challenges to being unified as parents is time. We recognize that being unified takes time and energy that is sometimes in short supply. Many families have parents that both work, have busy schedules, care for other children, and other responsibilities in and out of the home. Another challenge occurs when new situations arise and the other parent may not be accessible to discuss the matter before a decision needs to be made.
• Another major challenge exists for parents who do not share the same parenting philosophy. For example, one parent might believe that children should be given freedom to make their own decisions and learn from their choices, while the other believes that parents should be very involved in the children’s lives and use rules and restrictions to help them avoid bad situations.
• While these challenges may seem insurmountable, it is our experience that if parents are willing to spend the time and energy up front to discuss their parenting philosophies and to plan how to handle major issues, then parents will find that maintaining a unified front requires much less time and energy than they first thought. In fact, it often saves time because it reduces the amount of arguing and manipulating that occurs. Why? Because splitting the parents is no longer working for the child.
• At Trustyy, we have seen parents become unified (whether married or divorced) when others believed it was impossible. That said, it’s not an easy mountain to climb. To be blunt, if you have found it difficult to be unified for quite some time, it’s fairly unlikely that you will be able to achieve unity without professional help.

Strategies for Success

Here are some strategies that can help you enjoy the benefits of a unified front and overcome the challenges you might face in trying to do so.

1. Plan together

• Being unified as parents is only achieved when you take time to communicate regularly and privately about your family issues. For example:
• Have conversations about your goals for each child, and ways you can support and encourage that child.
• Be on the same page with regard to rules, privileges and consequences. It is easier when these items are decided on in advance, rather than in a reactive moment.
• Decide which items (requests, responsibilities, rules, etc.) are negotiable, which are non-negotiable, and which you are willing to just let go of. Decide this before you begin a conversation with your child in which they are asking for changes in rules, etc.
• Talk together first about decisions before talking with your child. This may require you to ask your child to leave the room so you can talk in private about your child’s request.
• If an ex-spouse is involved, it is important to communicate privately about parental issues with him/her and to work for a relationship of mutual respect.
• Communicate frequently to keep each other in the loop.

2. Support the parental team when interacting with children

• At times, children will try to “divide and conquer,” getting permission or privileges from one parent when the other has already declined. Sometimes the child will even tell the parent that the other parent said it was okay. Other times they may say nothing about the other parent, in which case it is a good idea to ask the child if they have discussed it with the other parent yet. This communicates to the child an important message– that you care and respect what the other parent thinks. If your child has frequently tried to manipulate in this way, we suggest that you make it a habit of checking with the other parent regardless of what they tell you, at least until the habit is broken.
• Do not tell them “Yes, but I need to ask your dad/mom first.” That just sets up the other parent to be the “bad guy” if the other parent doesn’t agree. (Obviously, not every request needs to be run through both parents.)
• Teenagers are sometimes good at “cornering” the more lenient parent and putting a lot of pressure on them to give in or change a rule in the middle of a discussion. When this occurs, it is critical that you hold your ground. Be firm and respond by saying something like, “That is the rule,” or “Your father/mother and I will discuss the issue and we will make a decision together.”
• Avoid the temptation to “be the good guy,” For example, “Your mom might not approve, but I don’t see any problem with it.” Although this response might reduce conflict with your child, it will create conflict and resentment between you and your spouse. Sadly, although your child will get what they want, they will also begin to feel responsible for your marital problems that will inevitably worsen.
• When one of your children approaches you and complains about something the other parent is doing or has done, support your spouse by letting the child know that you support/trust your spouse’s decision. If you have concerns about what your spouse has done, approach them in private and share your concerns. If your spouse agrees that his/her actions were not the best, let him/her go to the child and resolve it, BUT do not let the child know that you intervened on his behalf.
• Speak highly of your spouse in front of your children (and others). While this is an indirect strategy, it helps because children seem to inherently understand the concept that we are more likely to support those we respect.
• Conversely, avoid complaining about your spouse in front of the children (or to anyone for that matter); instead, talk directly with your spouse about your concerns.
• Recognize that children pick up on facial expressions and tone of voice so don’t fool yourself into believing that you can roll your eyes at your spouse and not have your children ‘hear’ the words behind the eye rolling.
• Talk in private about marital concerns, disagreements about the children, and other topics that are not appropriate for the children (e.g., financial problems, marital intimacy, discipline of other children). Similarly, don’t fool yourself into believing they can’t hear arguing through the walls or doors. Overhearing unhealthy arguing can have a significant negative impact on anxiety, depression, isolation, self-harm, oppositional behavior, and many more issues.
• Support your partner almost unconditionally. This support may be spoken or silent. Your children need to understand that both parents are capable of handling situations even when the other parent is sitting right there. So be careful not to jump in and “rescue” the involved parent. There are times, however, when the other parent may need support because they are simply out of energy or in a bad head space. Spouses can be creative by establishing a signal, such as a hand gesture or a phrase that invites the other parent to step in and be a support. Such support should be done in a unified manner that strengthens the other parent.
• In one family a mother felt particularly ignored by her children. When she asked them to turn off the television so they could complete their chores, they would pretend that she didn’t exist. Worst of all, her husband was on the couch watching television with them and didn’t respond or support his wife at all. This type of disunity sends a powerful negative message about expectations and relationships.
• Avoid keeping secrets from the other parents in a way that colludes with the children. Keeping secrets suggests loyalty to the child over the co-parent and also suggests that there is something (usually something negative) about the other parent that makes it best if they do not know about the secret. For example, giving the child money to help pay a speeding ticket but telling the child not to tell the other parent suggests that there is a disagreement between the parents about whether to give their children money to help rescue them from bad decisions. The child may also interpret this to mean that the parent giving the money is more committed to the child than their spouse. Another example might be keeping a child’s misbehavior a secret from the other parent. This implies that the other parent can’t handle the truth and may react negatively to the news. Even if this is true, it is better to work together as parents to address the tendency to overreact to misbehavior than it is to avoid the problem by keeping secrets with the children.
• This kind of unity can be achieved even when the parenting is shared between more than one household, as illustrated in this next example.
• One teen had a pattern of moving from one household to another when things became too frustrating. She would move between her mother’s house, her dad and step-mom’s house, and her grandmother’s house. At one point all those involved came together and decided that this girl should be with her mother. One day while living with her mom, the girl was upset that she was being held accountable and went in the bathroom to phone her grandmother. She pleaded over and over for for her grandmother to come and get her. The grandmother held firm and supported this girl’s mom. The teen became angry and yelled, “Fine! Then I hate you too,” and hung up the phone. The conversation was not pleasant, but this type of unity between parenting partners helped to mend damaged relationships. And it wasn’t long before the daughter let go of her anger towards both parents and grandmother as well.

3. Strengthen the spousal relationship

• A strong marriage provides a solid foundation on which to build parental unity. When a child’s problematic behavior escalates, it can be easy to neglect each other’s needs. Here are some brief suggestions for maintaining a strong and satisfying relationship.
  • Show kindness.
  • Respect differing viewpoints.
  • Compromise.
  • Make supportive statements.
  • Go on regular dates with each other.
  • Compliment each other in front of your children.
  • Withhold little negative comments.
  • Keep marital issues private.
  • Learn to appreciate your different approaches to life.
  • Apologize.
  • Forgive.

Being “one” as a parenting team is vital to your success. Remember that “oneness” is not “sameness” and that unity does NOT mean that you have to robotically interact with your children according to a script. Each of you should use your unique gifts, talents, insight and ideas to positively influence your child.

Parental unity will provide stability and strength to your marriage, your parenting and your child.

How can you personally work to improve your parental unity with your spouse or ex-spouse?

Even if you believe your spouse/ex-spouse is the one who undermines unity, what is the smallest change you are willing to make?

Triangulation

Everyone wants a friend or ally. When there is conflict or stress between two people, one or both of them tend to seek out someone else to soften the difficulty. It’s called triangulation, because it changes things from a two-person dynamic to a three-person dynamic. All of us have done this hundreds of times, so what’s the problem? Sometimes there’s little or no harm done, but it can potentially erode the foundation of healthy and happy relationships.

To illustrate

Last night the dishwasher quit working. This morning Mom asks Dad to take a look at it. He promises to take a look at it as soon as he gets back from his golf game. Mom wants it done now, and Mom and Dad argue about it. Dad leaves to go golfing anyway.

Five minutes later Daughter comes down from her room, and Mom says, “I hope you like washing dishes by hand.”

Daughter asks, “Why?”

Mom ignores the question to say, “Are you planning on marrying a golfer?”

More confused, Daughter asks, “What are you talking about?”

“Well, since you ask,” Mom says, “your Dad has decided to go have fun on the golf course instead of fixing the dishwasher. Isn’t that considerate? Now you get to help do the dishes.”

“That sucks!” exclaims the daughter.

“I totally agree! But telling me that isn’t going to help.”

What happened?

Mom was frustrated about her conflict with Dad, so she “triangulated” with Daughter.

• You probably noticed that:
  • Mom and Daughter’s conversation focused only on Mom’s view of the situation and highlighted Dad’s faults. (Are you curious what Dad’s perspective might be?)
  • With this information, Daughter agreed with Mom and empathized with her.
  • Now Mom and Daughter have a little alliance “against” Dad.
  • Daughter’s relationship with Dad is damaged (she’s angry at him). Mom has sort of invited her to complain to him.
  • Mom feels understood and supported, so now she feels less need to work things out with Dad directly. The marital relationship is weakened.
  • Mom feels even more certain that she’s justified in being angry, and more certain that her view is correct.
  • Mom has done all this in a way that she can convince herself she didn’t really bring the daughter into it intentionally. Thus Mom is likely to fall into the same behavior another time.

The bottom line: Two relationships are weakened, the Mom-Dad relationship and also the Daughter-Dad relationship. Mom and Dad are less likely to problem-solve constructively about this issue, so the underlying problem persists.

Relationships are complex. Triangulation makes them needlessly and problematically much more complex. If you are aware of triangulation and how easy it is to slip into, you can do a lot to avoid it.

Common types of triangulation in families

1. Parent has a problem with the other parent; shares frustration with a child

• The scenario above is an example of this type of triangulation. Families function best when the parental relationship is strong and the boundary around it is protected.
• Be particularly conscientious not to triangulate by bringing a child into marital issues. It not only weakens your marriage, but also puts a confusing, inappropriate burden on your child. If the marital issues continue to go unresolved, consider getting the assistance of a therapist or other relevant professional to help you gain insight and relate more effectively with each other. This type of triangulation along with its harmful effects can also occur with parents who are divorced.

2. Child has an issue with one parent; tries to get the other parent to intervene

• A teen gets into an argument with his mom because she won’t let him buy a motorcycle. The teen calls his dad at work and complains about how restrictive his mom is and how she’s always worried he’ll get hurt. The dad agrees with his son and promises to talk to mom.
• This type of triangulation occurs frequently and will quickly undermine parental unity. In most cases, it is best for the dad (or whichever parent is being triangulated) to say something like, “I’m sure your mom has a good reason for doing what she’s doing.”
• Even if you don’t agree with the other parent, it is best to defer judgment and then talk to your spouse in private. In addition, there is wisdom in encouraging the child to work things out with the other parent rather than trying to intervene and resolve the conflict. Often, this encouragement can include suggestions for how to best resolve conflicts, thus providing a great teaching opportunity.

3. Child has problem with a sibling; tries to get the parent to intervene/align with him

• Two siblings get into an argument and one of them comes running to the other parent with a convincing story of how victimized they have been by his sibling.
• Nearly every parent has or will experience this situation. While it is impossible to give a blanket solution, it is safe to say that parents intervene much too frequently in these matters without allowing for the siblings to work things out on their own. Even when a parent does feel the need to intervene, care should be given to help the two siblings use good conflict resolution skills rather than simply declaring a verdict.

4. A person has a problem in a relationship; uses “things” to feel better

• A mother argues with her son. He takes off in the car and she turns to the wine cabinet.
• A husband fights with his wife and instead of going to bed, he spends several hours on the internet.
• A teen frustrated with parents goes out to do drugs.
• This type of triangulation with things is very common. It occurs with alcohol, drugs, pornography, the internet, computer games, and so on (instead of with a third person). It can quickly turn into addiction, especially if the intent is to escape and avoid dealing with the problems and stresses of relationships.

Tips for avoiding triangulation

• Make every effort to work through arguments with the family member involved. The principles taught in Solution TalkTM can be a great resource for helping you resolve family conflict.
• Avoid the temptation to vent to another person. Ask yourself, “Would I want them complaining to others about me?” If you do feel it is necessary to talk with someone about the situation, invite them up front to help you identify what you can do to improve the situation.
• When someone tries to triangulate with you
• This is characterized by someone coming to you for sympathy or agreement about their trouble with another person.
• If you find that someone is trying to pull you in and triangulate with you, encourage them to work out their problem with the other person. Be careful not to validate their one-sided story. Instead, invite them to look at what they could have done differently or what they could do now to solve the problem. If necessary, be direct by saying something like, “I’m not comfortable talking about ‘so and so’ when he/she is not here.”
• If you find yourself feeling responsible for resolving the conflict between the other two individuals, try to step back and remember that it is best if they can work through it on their own. Some people are uncomfortable with conflict and tension, whether it is in their relationships or between two people they care about.

Parent-to-Parent Talk

• It’s certainly appropriate when you, as a parent, go to the other parent to discuss a problem or concern with your child. If you are able to help each other stay focused on what you can do to improve the situation and if you can avoid having the conversation turn into a negative, hopeless discussion about how bad your child is, then your discussion will be both healthy and helpful.

Assignment:

What kinds of things do you feel threaten your own parental unity?

What successes have you had in being unified as parents in the past?

Begin by having a conversation about your parenting philosophies. Discuss topics such as:

• “What do children need to be successful?”
• “What is a parent’s role in helping their children succeed?”
• “How important are rules and consequences?”
• “What types of punishments are appropriate?”

In having this discussion, focus first on identifying the common beliefs and ideas you share together. If there are differences, try to find middle ground. Remember, it is better to compromise for the sake of unity than it is to have parenting styles that are fundamentally different. Again, having this conversation with a Trustyy transition coach will dramatically increase the odds of achieving a positive outcome.

Most parents’ greatest hope is that their children will turn out to be healthy, productive, and successful. During the period of adolescence as children exercise agency, parents are often presented with mixed indications as to the direction their children will go. Naturally, it is hard to watch your child make poor choices. It is easy to fear the worst and imagine where these poor choices may lead in the years to come if allowed to continue.

Most parents would love it if their children came with a “manual override” feature that allowed them to take over at times when a child begins making unwise decisions. Unfortunately, no such feature exists and, in the long run, it would not be beneficial for children learn from their choices, including the poor choices that is, if parents will let them learn.

As a parent, there are some things you can do to help your child learn to make good choices. We have already mentioned several of them in the first three parenting principles.

• Strengthen your relationship with your child so that they will want to please you and will value your guidance.
• Lead by example.
• Be clear about your expectations.

We will now highlight three more:

• Provide choices.
• Help children think through their choices.
• Hold them accountable for their choices through consequences.

Provide an appropriate level of choice

The truth is that your child always has a choice no matter what you do. You may set an expectation that your child be home by midnight on weekends. Nevertheless, it is his choice whether to honor that expectation. What he cannot choose is the consequence for his choice.

To develop skills in self-governing, children need to:

• Learn that when they choose something, they are also choosing the consequences that go with it. (“When you pick up one end of a stick, you pick up the other end too.”)
• Learn to think before making choices to evaluate the possible consequences of different choices.
• Recognize that actions are a choice they alone make and are responsible for.

Effective parents set rules and expectations that include an appropriate level of choice. Along with that, they find opportunities to help their children think through choices before making them.

The diagram below illustrates differing levels of choice which a parent may use for different circumstances. Each of these has merit and can be useful for different circumstances. Notice how they differ in the level of freedom they offer to the child, with less freedom on the left, moving to more freedom on the right. The goal is to move gradually toward more freedom as children mature.

• • • Setting a clear expectation/rule and then allowing the child to choose to follow it or receive the consequence.
    • Providing the child with two or three options and letting the child choose between those options.
    • Providing guidance as your child talks with you about their ideas and plans for how to handle a situation, then letting your child choose.
    • Allowing the child to make decisions they feel are best without guidance from you.

Less Freedom

More Freedom

As you decide how restrictive to be in the choices you offer to your child, consider the following questions:

• Does my child have adequate information to make the decision?
• Does he understand the possible consequences for the different choices involved?
• Does his decision put himself or others at probable risk for harm?
• Will he be able to carry out the decision without assistance from others ($, resources)?
• Can he shoulder the consequences of his choice if things do not work out?
• Is he mentally and emotionally stable?
• Is the decision he wants to make in harmony with legal guidelines?
• Is the decision compatible with our moral standards as parents (if living at home)?

Consider the following scenarios. For each one, what degree of choice would you suggest? ( Refer to the diagram above.)

• • 1. Your ten-year-old wants to loan his X-Box and all of his games to a boy he just met at school.
  • 2. Your sixteen-year-old wants to smoke cigarettes.
  • 3. Your teen wants to spend the night at a friend’s home two days after returning from boarding school.
  • 4. Your seventeen-year-old wants to manage his own schoolwork, including homework, etc.

Be Flexible

Adolescence is all about becoming an individual and learning to steer one’s own life. Parents will do well to allow and even point out and offer as much choice as possible within the limits of their expectations and rules. When you can’t be flexible about the “what,” look for ways to be flexible about the “how,” “where,” or “when.” Take the example of a teen who is expected to wash and vacuum the family car he uses.Parents could allow him to choose whether to wash and vacuum it at home, or pay with his own funds to take it to a drive through car wash. He could decide which day he’d like to do it, as long as it gets done by an agreed upon deadline. Even when something needs to be done very soon, a teen will appreciate the choice to do it “now or 15 minutes from now.” The more choices you make available, the more tolerable it is for the teen when you must direct and restrict.

We were in the car heading to a weekend vacation in a familiar nearby city with our two early teens. Sitting there in the back seat was kind of symbolic of how they must have often felt about such trips–not much chance to “steer.”

Then we said, “Look, we figure we have X amount of money for this trip. Y amount of money is already committed to the hotel. We also need to do ______. What’s left is�for food and activities. We could eat at cheaper places and do more activities or vice versa, whatever you decide. How about you draw up a plan for what you’d like to do and what kind of places you’d like to eat at? Make sure we still get to eat on the last day!”

Parents can help children learn to think through the consequences of a choice before acting. This is easiest to start doing when the teen has a choice before him that doesn’t involve things parents disapprove of. In that case he may be more open to guidance while the parent, as an ally, walks with him to think what the consequences of different choices might be. The habit of thinking in this way will serve the teen well on tougher issues.

Think of a couple of expectations or rules you have for your teen. What flexibility can you allow or offer?

Consequences teach accountability

The best consequences are natural and logical consequences that are understood in advance. Natural consequences are those that will happen without parent intervention. For example, if your child chooses to skip a shift at work, he will likely be reprimanded or fired. Natural consequences teach children realities about the results of their behavior. When you allow natural consequences to follow your child’s actions, the consequence itself does the teaching. There is no need for lectures or such from you. In fact, adding your anger or disapproval on top of a natural consequence can lead the teen to focus on resentment toward you rather than on realizing the results of his behavior.

Natural consequences are great teachers. There are just a couple situations when you might want to interfere. That would be when the natural consequence includes danger or harm to others, or serious harm to your teen. An example would be when a teen driver continually speeds. In those cases logical consequences are more appropriate. In addition, when natural consequences won’t occur for many months or years, it’s generally better to rely on logical consequences.

Logical consequences are those that are logically tied to the misbehavior. For example, if your child gets a speeding ticket while using the family car, you may choose to take away his ability to use the car for a designated period of time– a logical consequence. In this case there’s also a natural consequence, a ticket that must be paid by the teen.

Examples of logical consequences are temporarily losing a privilege that was misused; being required to replace/fix something of someone else’s that was damaged or lost; or completing a task that was left undone. When it comes time to enforce the consequence, it should be done in a calm, matter-of-fact way. As with natural consequences, trying to punish with anger actually weakens the learning opportunity.

Here’s an example of a parent who mustered the strength to follow through with consequences in a difficult situation:

• This man’s 16-year-old daughter had some oppositional behaviors and a history of some drug use. Family rules and consequences were set up. In order to have her freedoms —spending time with friends, going places, etc. she would need to stay clean and sober. That would be confirmed through drug testing administered by her therapist. Dad had told her if she didn’t take a drug test he would count it as testing positive.
• When she went to therapy she refused to be tested. So the dad said, “You’re back down to only being able to have friends at the house. You can’t go other places.” She threw a big tantrum. She told him how much she hated him, how unfair this was and how she wished he would go back to being the old Dad that he was before she was sent away to a treatment program. She told him if he implemented this consequence she would run away. He calmly stood his ground and said that if she chose to run away there would be additional consequences.
• When that night came, she didn’t have friends over; she didn’t go away; she didn’t do anything. It had been a lot of bravado. She continued to refuse to take a drug test for another two weeks. Then she took the test and it came back clean. They were able to move forward.

Sticking with it and following through with the consequences allowed the dad to avoid the power struggles he had so often engaged in previously. He set the clear expectation, then followed through and upheld the consequence. That was a very empowering moment for him. It really changed how he looked at his parenting.

Traps that rob children of learning accountability

Of course it’s not easy to follow through with consequences. It’s definitely not the path of least resistance. We’re going to point out three “traps” parents commonly fall into, hardly aware of doing so, that keep them from holding their children accountable.

1. Threaten and Release

• Many parents, motivated by concern for their children, end up doing what we call “Threaten and Release” parenting. It happens in situations when you as a parent have set a consequence. For example, you may “threaten” your child with harsh consequences (e.g., lengthy groundings, being kicked out of the house) in attempts to get him to obey a rule. When your child does not obey, you may find it difficult or impossible to follow through with the consequence because you know it is too extreme.
• As a result, by doing nothing, you “release” him from the consequences of his own choices, teaching him this devastating lesson: “Even if I make poor choices, things will work out in the end.”
• A solution is to be more thoughtful about consequences you set. When you can, look ahead to anticipate issues for which you will need a rule and a consequence so you can plan them before the heat of the moment. Also, reflect on recurring trouble spots between you and your teen to see if setting clear expectations and logical consequences would help.
• When parents fall into this trap, their children learn: “Even if I make poor choices, things will work out in the end.”

2. Prevent and Rescue

• Another trap well-intended parents fall into is “Prevent and Rescue” parenting. This trap is more common with teens than with younger children. It is when you interfere with consequences the “real world” provides. The first step into this trap occurs when you thoughtfully begin to put together a plan to “prevent” your teen from failing, usually without talking with him. Then comes the attempt to force-feed the plan to your teen. This step generally goes about as well as trying to force-feed unwanted food to a 1-year-old! Even when the plan does “get into his mouth,” it often is spit out when you aren’t looking. In other words, they generally don’t follow the plan.
• Why is that? Adolescence is a time when teens seek to prove to themselves and others that they can succeed on their own. By simply adopting their parents’ plan for success, they tend to feel more dependent on their parents, not less.
• With the parent’s strategy for success not being followed, the frustrated parent watches from the sidelines as failure approaches their teen. Then at the two-minute warning, thinking they are doing what is best for the teen, the parent puts on his “rescue” hat and jumps in to save the game (e.g., finishing the homework or completing the project for the teen, negotiating a settlement, paying the bill). Unfortunately, while the parent may have won the battle, the overall war is being lost as the child learns another destructive lesson: “If I don’t do the work, somebody else will.”
• Because their parents have done the work for them or rescued them, they did not develop the skills they would have if they were to have struggled through it themselves (sometimes with parental support). The longer these patterns occur the more and more helpless the teen feels. The more helpless the teen feels, the more dependent he becomes on his parents to do things for him. This is often referred to as “learned helplessness.”
• When parents fall into this trap, their children learn: “If I don’t do the work, somebody else will.”

3. Set and Forget

• A third trap is to invest thought and effort into setting an expectation or rule, but then to not monitor or check whether the rule has been kept or broken. Busy schedules lead us to feeling fatigued and wanting to avoid additional conflict. As a result, it’s tempting to fall into this trap � even when we realize we are doing it. Still, falling prey to this trap robs your child of learning opportunities. Although teens may seem glad not to be held accountable, they get the negative message that parents are not reliable or don’t really mean what they say. It also contributes to the mistaken impression that life beyond the family operates this way too.
• A mother told her daughter she wanted her cell phone turned in to the parents at 10:00 p.m. every night, but never asked for it, and never held her accountable when she didn’t turn it in….until about a month later when she found out the daughter had used the phone to text her boyfriend all night long. She tried to set the rule again but her daughter didn’t take her seriously.
• The mother can improve her parenting at this point by setting the rule again. However, she will need to be very consistent if her daughter is to learn from this situation. The mother may experience a period of time when the daughter continues to resist, before she realizes that her mother will follow through.
• When parents fall into this trap, their children learn: “Chances are, if I break a rule, I’ll get away with it.”

A teen was sent to a wilderness program and a therapeutic boarding school for a number of reasons, among them poor academic performance, drugs and alcohol, sneaking out and taking his parents’ car, and disrespect to the family. He did well in his program and achieved the highest level possible.

When he returned home the family was encouraged to randomly drug test him, in order to help provide incentive for staying off drugs. One day they had some suspicions that he was high. As they went to drug test him he told them that it really hurt his feelings that he was being drug tested just because he was being hyper. He said in essence, “This is who I am! If every time I’m happy you drug test me, then I might as well not be happy.”

Based on his statement they decided not to drug test him at that time. Another time his sister received a text message from a boy who said he saw this teen at a party and that he was high. The teen denied it. Based on the fact that he was doing fairly well in other areas, they decided not to drug test him. As it turned out, he did return to alcohol and drugs.

Children who have learned these types of misguided assumptions tend to put off homework, skip classes, miss work shifts, and in general do things that are reckless and self-sabotaging.

An example is a student who puts off an assignment and a mom who reminds and reminds and encourages. The student continues to put it off and chooses a night with friends rather than doing the homework assignment. Mom then stays up late after the son gets home, completing the assignment with him. Is this really helping? It is more important to her that he complete assignments than it is to him, and she works much harder.

Assignment:

• In your own life, identify a time when you learned a valuable lesson by suffering the consequences of your actions. (Consider sharing this experience with your teen.)
• Identify one or two times when your child made poor choices, but learned from the natural consequences of her behavior.
• Identify one or two times when your child made a poor choice but you rescued him from the consequences–and the lesson. What lesson did he/she miss out on?
• What will you have to “let go” of in order to stop rescuing your teen?

If you are one of many parents who have unintentionally fallen into the traps described above, take comfort in knowing that your child can still learn.

Reversing these parenting patterns is a scary and painful process to work through. However, the alternative — continuing to “Threaten and Release,” “Prevent and Rescue,” or “Set and Forget” — is exponentially more painful because the stakes just get higher as your teen gets older.

Scott’s parents watched as the time he had to complete his independent study melted away. In frustration, they decided to inform Scott that he would need to spend one hour each day on the class until he had finished it.

Scott protested. His parents insisted. Out of a desire to finish the conversation he agreed to the plan. Soon, it became apparent that agreeing to the plan and following the plan were two different things. His parents constantly reminded him of the plan, but days passed by without any work on the class.

The parents realized that they should re-evaluate the way they were handling this. They took a careful look at what the naturally-occurring consequence would be. It was that Scott would need to repeat the class and pay the fee himself. They realized this would teach Scott the importance of managing his time better. So they decided not to keep pushing Scott to follow their plan, and to let him deal with the consequences.

They let Scott know they would no longer consider themselves in charge of getting him to finish on time; and they made sure he knew they would not step in to pay any more for the class. Scott found out that for a fee he could extend the deadline. He paid for that himself, then finished before the new deadline.

The key to teaching accountability is to establish reasonable consequences, clearly stated, and then hold your child accountable by enforcing logical consequences and allowing for natural consequences. Remember, your teen may not believe that you are going to follow through with holding him accountable and may continue to act out until he sees that you are serious. As a result, things may get worse before they get better.

Alex continually disregarded his curfew despite his mom’s attempts to invite him to do so. Finally, she informed him that if he was not home by curfew, she would leave a tent and sleeping bag in the backyard for him to use. Alex did not believe his mom would actually follow through. To his surprise, at 2 a.m. that night he found himself locked out. He called his mom and tried to convince her to let him in. She reminded him that when he chose to break curfew, he also chose the consequence of camping outside that night. She said good night and hung up the phone.

From Your Trustyy Coach

• Avoid the reactive extremes. In other words, if you are the type of parent who has consistently used the “Prevent and Rescue” approaches, be careful not to jump to the other extreme by withdrawing all support. Instead, begin by helping your child create her plan to succeed. Listen to her ideas first and then, if she is open to it, help build on her plan by offering suggestions.
• The longer you have used the “Prevent and Rescue” or the “Threaten and Release” approaches, the more time it will likely take for your child to unlearn the lessons you have taught her. As a result, you need to not be surprised if she initially fails when you first stop these patterns. When this happens, take courage and find support. Remember, reversing these patterns will be painful for both you and your child.
• Keep in harmony with Principle #3: “Clear expectations encourage consistency and teach values.” Let your child know that you will no longer be rescuing her. This will invite her to act differently by not leaving things up to you. Don’t just change your strategy with no explanation. Let her know too that you are happy to talk with her and support her as long as it doesn’t mean doing for her what she can do for herself.
• Remember, you cannot force your children to make good choices, but you can help them learn to make good choices! You can teach them, share ideas with them, give them options, clearly communicate expectations, and then allow children to choose whether to follow them or not. If they make good choices, good things follow, including increased trust and freedom. If they make poor choices, they need to experience the difficult but instructive consequences. Consequences help them learn the following lesson: “The choices I make will ultimately determine the quality of my life and my relationships with others.”

All organizations need clear expectations and rules in order to encourage consistency and accomplish their purposes. Families are no exception. These rules also are important as they help children learn the values held by society and their parents, and how those apply to everyday living.

Expectations and rules:

• teach children what is acceptable behavior.
• create a consistent home environment.
• strengthen family relationships by encouraging positive interaction.
• reinforce your leadership as the head of the family.
• provide a sense of safety and certainty in a very unstable and uncertain world.

Setting clear expectations

Have you ever been in a situation where there have been inconsistent or unclear rules or expectations? What effect did it have on you and others?

There are countless expectations that can exist in families. There are expectations for how we treat each other, what responsibilities each person has to the family, what individuals are expected to do for themselves (and what others will do for them), and for which activities are appropriate and which are not – just to name a few.

These expectations may be so obvious that they can remain “unspoken” (e.g., it’s not okay to steal from each other or damage others’ belongings). Many expectations do need to be “spoken” (e.g., we will allow you to use the family car as long as you take care of it and fill up the gas tank occasionally). Commonly parents set expectations around issues such as use of cell phones, computer, TV, game consoles; use of a car; money who pays for what; what kind of activities/gatherings are acceptable to attend; household chores; and curfew.

One teen’s parents had a rule that their daughter should be home by 10:00 p.m. At 10:00 she was home, but on the porch sitting with her friends. Her parents didn’t feel she had complied with the rule, but she saw no reason that she should end her time with friends, because she was at home on time. The parents needed to be clear that curfew meant being home without friends.

For some children, there is less need for detail (e.g., fill up the gas tank occasionally). General expectations along with occasional reminders is enough. For most others, more detail is necessary in order to avoid constant battles (e.g., “contribute $10 for gas each week). In fact, some seem to think it’s their job to test their parents’ memories. It can be useful to write down the details of expectations that are likely to be challenged down the road.

Many parents fail to be clear about their expectations because they are wanting or hoping their kids will “take initiative.” Sometimes they try to give their kids hints about what they want them to do instead of telling them straight out. A father who was irritated because his son wasn’t taking out the trash would take out the trash himself, making it a point to empty every family member’s trash but his son’s. Another wanted his son to get a job, but became upset and yelled at his son when the job procured was at a pizza restaurant the father didn’t want his son working at. The guidelines for acceptable places to work hadn’t been stated.

A family who lived in a condo community used a golf cart, as everyone did, to drive around the community. Their son was given the privilege of driving the golf cart as long as he took proper care of it. Sometimes when he parked it he would cover it and sometimes he wouldn’t. And sometimes when he didn’t cover it his father would blow up at him, and sometimes when he didn’t cover it his father would say nothing. On some days the whole family would argue about it, on others no one would say a word.

One day the father complained to his Homeward Bound transition coach about how irresponsible the son was with the use of the golf cart, how he didn’t cover it when he was supposed to, etc. Then the father said something very interesting. He said, “It’s not like I get mad at him every time he doesn’t cover it.”

“You don’t?” asked the transition coach.

“No,” replied the father.

“Why not?” asked the transition coach.

“Well, he doesn’t have to cover it all the time,” the father said.

“Okay, so when do you get mad at him for not covering it?” asked the transition coach.

The answer was brief but gave some of the father’s expectations – if it looked like it was going to rain, he wanted it covered, and on weekends when the community had a lot of visitors, he wanted it to be covered. However, he’d never given those guidelines to his son. Once he sat his son down, and explained clearly what his expectations were, the conflict around that issue ceased.

Getting children’s input

While parents have the ultimate say regarding expectations, we have found that talking with children about their thoughts and ideas regarding expectations provides an opportunity to teach. An open discussion about expectations usually leads to conversation about family values and lessons you have learned in life. You will also learn about some of the expectations your children’s friends have in their families, especially those your children hope that you adopt in your family – usually the more lenient expectations!

Holding these types of conversations helps you learn about your children’s opinions, experiences, and friends. It is not the time to make final decisions about what the expectations and rules will be. This should be done alone with your spouse (if applicable). While this process helps increase general acceptance of the expectations and rules, it will not prevent all resistance. To learn more about this process read the module, Family Rules and Consequences.

Making expectations realistic and appropriate

Expectations and rules should be based on your values and beliefs as parents. These expectations should apply to all your family members but take into account changing circumstances and age differences (e.g., chores expected of each child). While many expectations remain unchanged (e.g., honesty), some will be adjusted over time to accommodate the age and maturity of your child (e.g., curfew).

Parenting Tip:

The key in helping your children adopt your values is not to punish imperfection with lectures and severe consequences. The key is to continuously teach and live the values yourself. When a mistake is made, see it as an opportunity to teach your child. At the same time, don’t allow the child to benefit from telling the lie, etc. (Be careful! Being understanding of imperfections in your child does not mean that you simply let misbehavior slide without a consequence.)

Being realistic about your expectations is also important. For example, expecting your children to maintain a 4.0 GPA may not be realistic. Another example would be expecting a 17-year-old boy to eat more fruits and vegetables. It’s a good healthy idea, but probably not something you should manage and arrange consequences for.(Though, if healthy eating is a concern, you may choose to limit the amount of junk food you make available in your home.) Another example would be expecting teens to be in too early on a weekend night, say 9:00 p.m. for a 16-year-old.

It is also important to be realistic about what can be expected of a child in terms of things such as moral development. For example, as parent you might value integrity and honesty. As a result, you’ll teach your children not to lie. However, to expect them never to lie would be unrealistic. Children, young and old, will inevitably tell a white lie – a lot of them – to gain acceptance, to try to avoid punishment, etc. Some parents overreact and become very concerned. The truth is, however, those same parents told lies themselves when they were children.

Are your family rules consistent with your values?

Are there expectations that need to be changed to fit your children’s differing levels of maturity?

Are you realistic about the expectations you place on your children?

Follow-through

As children grow, they tend to adopt values of their own and will often experiment with behavior outside what is acceptable to you. While giving into this may give the appearance of tolerance, ultimately, it undermines your goal to establish a consistent home environment. As a parent, you do have a right to expect your children to honor established values while they are living at home.

One mother became increasingly frustrated that her son would repeatedly not take the trash out to the curb without being reminded to do so each week.

After learning of this, her Homeward Bound transition coach predicted that he will continue to rely on her reminder so long as it doesn’t negatively affect them.

The coach suggested that she simply let her son know that she would no longer be reminding him to take the trash out. Instead, if he forgot, he would need to take it to the dump himself.

Upon hearing this, he pulled out his phone and added an electronic reminder to take out the trash every Thursday night. Not only was her problem solved, but he was learning to be more independent.

Creating expectations and rules as a parent is much like placing sheep in a pen. When placed in a pen, the sheep will explore the area and put pressure on the fence in order to find weaknesses and possible ways to get out. Your children are no different. They will constantly push against the fence. As parents, you are responsible to maintain and reinforce the fence. Remember that when children test the limits, they are also testing your commitment to the relationship and your leadership in the family hierarchy.

Having clear expectations and rules will not solve or prevent all problems from occurring. Your children will never stop testing boundaries. However, when testing occurs, firmly, calmly, and consistently let your children know that you still expect them to follow the rule, and that appropriate consequences still apply. Remember, it is your response to their testing that determines success. After all, it’s not what you tell them to do that they listen to the most; it’s what you actually enforce that gets their attention the most. See the next section, choice and accountability, to learn more about follow-through.

From Your Trustyy Coach

Written expectations should be kept to a minimum in order to reduce the potential for creating an artificial, legal tone in your relationship with your teen. Written expectations are best used during transitional times (e.g., bringing a teen home from long-term placement, or a parent making a significant move to reclaim their authority). They should target areas of major concern which have a high likelihood for being a point of testing in the future. For additional guidelines in this area, refer to Family Rules and Consequences.

It is important that you do not confuse “nurturing the relationship” with “being your child’s best friend.” You will find it is not possible to be friends with your children in the traditional sense of the word�at least not while your children live at home. The primary reason for this is that effective parents do not share equal power with their children. You need to have the final say when necessary.

Parental leadership means that as a parent you set the expectations and rules. You make decisions about what is best for your children and the family. You hold your children accountable for their choices and enforce consequences when appropriate. Just as executives do not share all the information with their employees all of the time or include them in all discussions, you also must maintain appropriate boundaries by holding some discussions “behind closed doors.”

As your children grow they will undoubtedly test your leadership and hierarchies in general. As a result, you will inevitably find that your children may be mad at you fairly frequently as they test both your relationship and your leadership.

You probably cringed the first time your toddler said, “I hate you.” By the time your toddler is a teen there will be an array of such phrases they may use to test your relationship or to attempt to flip the family hierarchy in their favor. In those moments, do not give in to such phrases, reverse your decisions, or focus solely on attempting to make the child (or yourself) feel better.

Who is at the top of your family hierarchy?

Activity: List your family members in order of who has the most power in the family to who has the least power. Compare your observations with those of your spouse.

Do you think you have given some power to your teen that should belong to parents? If so, in what ways? Compare your answer with that of your spouse.

What parental leadership is not

Parental leadership does not mean you should refuse to listen to your child’s opinions, ignore family members’ needs, or routinely make decisions without consulting family members involved. Parental leadership also does not entitle you to break agreements, have double standards, or mistreat your child for misbehavior. It does not release you of the responsibility to admit fault and apologize for your own mistakes.

In fact, parental leadership means you set the tone for the home and must therefore lead by example. Stephen R. Covey once noted, “The key to your family culture is how you treat the child that tests you the most.” It is part of your responsibility as the leader to model kindness, demonstrate respectful behavior, teach patience, and set the standard for positive, complimentary, communication.

Giving away the power – how it happens

Often parents don’t overtly recognize the ways in which too much power has habitually been given to a child. A common struggle many parents face is consistent arguing once a decision has been made. The continued argument frustrates parents and leads them to give up, allowing the teen to have his/her way. It is in this moment that parents give away some of their power to their child.

One mother stopped enforcing rules and consequences with her daughter in an effort to decrease the arguments they were having. Before too long this girl’s mom felt completely powerless and hopeless about her ability to parent. The hierarchy had been flipped and mom was at the bottom. It took time and the support of her husband, but the mother built her courage up and was able to take her place in the family hierarchy.

We have found that when teens ask for permission to do something, some parents have a tendency to immediately respond with “no” before understanding all the details. The teen then begins to argue for why it should be okay, giving additional details which lead the parent to change their mind. At other times, teens simply refuse to take “no” for an answer no matter when the answer is given. Eventually the teen wears the parent out and is successful at getting the parent to reverse the decision. No matter how it occurs, reversing a decision generally teaches teens to believe that “no” does not really mean “no.” As a result, parents give their authority away and actually invite more arguing.

Guilt is another thing that can lead parents to abandon their rightful place in the family hierarchy. When children don’t get their way and are frustrated, they may try to make parents feel guilty, often by bringing up perceived wrongs from the past hoping this will make the parent be more lenient. Parents need not feel guilty for mistakes they have made in the past. Rather, they acknowledge wrongs, seek to make amends and move forward. The best way to make up for a past wrong is to do things right today. Giving permission when you feel you shouldn’t will increase, not decrease your guilt.

What things have contributed to the current hierarchy in your family?

Maintaining parental leadership

These basic guidelines and ideas will help keep an appropriate and healthy balance of power in a family:

• Make decisions based on what is best for your children, not what you think will please them or result in less conflict. Be able to say “no.”
• Recognize that children won’t always be happy with decisions. Don’t argue with them over a decision they don’t like. Some simple phrases can help. For example:
  • “I understand your point; nevertheless, we still feel the same way.”
  • “I know you disagree, but we’ve made our decision.”
• Have courage to stand by decisions you make and not give in no matter how much your teen argues. Giving in brings short-term peace, but long-term conflict.
• Watch out for the guilt button. When your teen says something that triggers your guilt, find a way to respond that helps combat the guilt. Here are some examples:
  • Your teen says, “You just want to make my life miserable!”…You might think to yourself, “Someday he’ll understand.”
  • Your teen says, “If you loved me, you’d let me go out.”…You might say, “If you knew how much I love you, you wouldn’t say that.”
  • Your teen says, “Mom lets me. She trusts me. I wish I lived with her.”…You might think to yourself, “I’ll bet when she is at her mom’s she tries the same guilt tactic there.”
  • Your teen says, “I hate you! I wish you weren’t my parents.”…You might call a friend on the Home Team and ask for encouragement and reassurance that you are doing the right thing.
• When a teen asks for permission to do something, get the needed information and ask them to give you the reasons they feel it should be okay. Doing so helps them feel that you understand their point of view and have taken it into account in your decision.
• Choose not to involve your children in conversations that are not appropriate for them (e.g., financial details, marital problems).
• Lead by example, giving children a model of how to treat others with respect (e.g., keep promises, admit mistakes, demonstrate patience).
• One family who struggled with having given a teen too much power had a history of bartering with or blackmailing their teen and vice versa. The daughter would often say things like, “I need a new outfit, and if you don’t buy me one, I won’t go to school tomorrow.” To which the parents would reply something like, “If you don’t go to school tomorrow, you can’t go out with your friends on Saturday.” To which the teen would reply, “If you don’t let me go out with my friends on Saturday, I’ll…..” With coaching the parents were able to recognize the power struggle of arguing about rules and the cycle they were in. They built their authority as parents without getting taken in and led around by their teen’s threats. It looked something like this: “I need a new outfit, and if you don’t buy me one, I won’t go to school tomorrow.” “If you’d like to earn a new outfit, we can consider that when you are willing to talk about it with us respectfully.”
• What could you start doing (or stop doing) today to maintain the power that is appropriate for parents in a family?

From Your Trustyy Coach

Remember, when you effectively maintain parental leadership, there will be times when your children are mad at you. Your first priority must be to do what is best for your children, not simply what will minimize conflict.

We have found that when children have held a lot of power in their families for most of their lives, it is very difficult for them to let go of this power. While some parents have successfully reclaimed power from older children still at home, others have found it too overwhelming. As a result, there are some circumstances when parents should move to de-emphasize imposing restrictions and the need to obtain permission. At the same time, they seek to improve the quality of the relationship by maximizing respectful interactions and increasing communication.

They also focus on assisting the adolescent in making the transition to adulthood, where they experience the consequences of both their wise and poor choices. This includes setting up teaching opportunities for the basic skills they will need to live on their own. The bottom-line boundaries center around what the teen must do to continue to live at home or what they must do to continue to receive financial support from the parents.(A Homeward Bound transition coach can help you determine whether this approach is the right one for your family or not.)

There comes a time in every child’s life when the only reason he will do what you ask is because he loves you.”~ Gawain Wells

Good parenting requires being both firm and kind. The “firm” part is characterized by establishing rules, following through with consequences, and allowing children to experience the results of poor decisions.The “kind” side of parenting concentrates on maintaining a warm, nurturing relationship–an emotional connection. It is carried out by loving acts such as expressing appreciation, showing affection and understanding, and spending positive time together. It also means that while a parent is being firm, such as applying appropriate limits, it is done in a way that maintains respect.

Doing what is best for children always entails a blend of firmness and kindness. These two elements have emerged from hundreds of research studies as the central factors in effective parenting. Appropriate limits in combination with a high degree of love and support toward children consistently produce the best outcomes in terms of children’s overall development and behavior.When parents begin to see resistant behavior in a child, it is common for them to increase emphasis on the firm side of parenting while decreasing nurturing behaviors often to show disapproval. Doing so, however, generally invites a similar response from the child – one of resentment and distancing from the parents. As you might guess, this only reduces the parents’ influence on their child.

Don’t be fooled, as some parents are, into the belief that being firm is the only way to handle your teen’s more serious misbehaviors. We have found that forgetting to nurture the relationship is like staking up a plant to guide its growth and then neglecting to water it.

Why nurturing is so crucial

The emotional connection, the quality of relationship you have with your teen, is like a conduit through which your parenting efforts go between you and your child. Your efforts to teach positive behavior, to deal with his mistakes, and to understand your teen all must pass between you and your child through this pipeline. If it is wide and clear, you will have genuine influence. If it is narrow and full of obstacles, your work is more difficult and less effective.

Psychological well-being is necessary for positive behavior and growth. A cornerstone of this well-being, even for teens, is knowing that they are loved and valued by their parents.”The feeling of being valuable — “I am a valuable person” — is essential to mental health and is a cornerstone of self-discipline. It is a direct product of parental love…

When children have learned through the love of their parents to feel valuable it is almost impossible for the vicissitudes of adulthood to destroy their spirit.”~ M. Scott Peck

Decades of research indicate that the degree of warmth and support from parents affects such things as self-esteem, delinquent behavior, school misconduct, and drug and alcohol abuse.

A child’s feelings of trust and safety are often the first casualty of under-focusing on the “kind” side of parenting and over-focusing on the “firm” side. Even in these circumstances there are ways you can slowly begin to rebuild and nurture your relationship with your child.

One parent caught his son frequently sneaking out at night, skipping school, and using drugs and alcohol. As this teen’s father implemented consequences his son was very angry. During these times of difficulty his father would frequently invite him to work out or do other sporting activities where they would have a chance to build their relationship

At times his son did not want to participate, but even then the teen could not deny that his dad was making an effort to build the relationship despite the difficulties they were going through.

Describe your recent focus on the “firm” and “kind” sides of parenting.

Do you see a need to increase your focus on the “kind” side?

Genuine nurturing comes from the way you see your child

Have you ever been in the unhappy situation where you were being “helped” by a person who didn’t seem to have a kindly heart toward you? Maybe it was a doctor or nurse. Maybe it was a teacher or coach at some point in your growing up years. Maybe it was a co-worker or supervisor. And what about the opposite–a person who you feel has totally accepted you, weak spots and all? It might be a spouse, a close friend, or a parent. You may have that kind of relationship now, or maybe have had it in the past. How open would you be to allowing that person to help you improve, work with you, or guide you?

Similarly, the way you really feel about your teen, the “heart” you have toward him, is what really counts. Being a parent of a struggling teen can be an overwhelming experience emotionally riddled with frustration, disappointment, resentment, and other difficult feelings. Even in these circumstances you can maintain or develop caring feelings by the way you view your teen. Of course there are days when you don’t “like” your teen, but your love and caring can still be there, below the surface.

Your teen has worth and potential. Like you, your teen has fears, worries, hopes and dreams. His behavior is a combination of what has worked and what he hopes will work as he experiments with life and relationships. However mistaken the means or even the goals may seem, they have meaning in his mind. His expressions and behavior are his way of dealing with emotions, some of which may be complicated by relevant diagnoses (e.g. Bipolar, Depression). He may feel to you like the enemy at times, but that isn’t the core motivation for his behavior.

Getting to the place where you can see past the behavior and through the cloud of emotion is worth the work. It will not only help you as a parent, but it will help your teen–now and for the rest of his life.

Ways to nurture

The heart of nurturing is attention, interest, and caring. You are making an investment of your time and yourself. The goal is to strengthen your emotional connection with your teen. You will demonstrate to yourself and your teen what priority you put on your relationship with him. We are not talking about indulging your teen with things or with inappropriate privileges or lack of limits. We are talking about creating a bond between you and him.A good place to begin is with the small things.

Some just involve a friendly and respectful attitude:

• Smiling at your child
• Having a sense of humor, like enjoying playful banter
• Being playful, relaxed, and creative
• Giving sincere compliments without any “but” attached
• Recognizing your child’s strengths and efforts
• Listening to what your child is saying instead of interrupting, correcting, or lecturing
• Admitting your faults and apologizing
• Forgiving
• Accepting that your child is different from you
• Developing win-win solutions

Some take a small chunk of time:

• Sitting down over a piece of pie
• Asking your child to teach you how to do something
• Just talking about your child’s hobbies or interests

Some are more involved:

• Being there when your child is performing
• Fulfilling reasonable requests for help
• Attending school events, meeting teachers
• Getting to know his/her friends
• Having regular family activities
• Getting to know what’s going on in his/her life

Some are about commitment:

• Prioritizing time with children
• Getting outside your comfort zone to do things your teen would like

One father was working to find small ways to show his daughter warmth and caring. One day he went to the car repair shop to pick up the car his daughter was waiting to use. The car wasn’t ready.

As he phoned to tell her he’d be late with the car, he noticed a coffee shop next door. When she answered the phone he asked if she would like him to bring her something from the coffee shop.Frankly, she was flabbergasted that he would ask. When he got home she gave him the first hug he could remember getting from her in four years. That event set in motion a pleasant weekend and a renewal of a relationship they had lost for over a decade.

The moments you spend to show love to your teen can be rewarding and refreshing for you too. For the moment you can let go of concern about guiding your teen’s behavior and just focus on enjoying him/her, even if it’s in a very small way.

We encourage you to take a careful look at how you might increase the nurturing you do, and we are confident it will benefit your relationship.

Don’t Withdraw Love

Some parents withhold nurturance as a means of communicating their disapproval. Have you noticed what response this invites from teens? Research has shown that withdrawing love as a means of discipline has decidedly negative consequences. Even when a child is grounded or in some other way being disciplined for misbehavior, you can continue to nurture your relationship. One parent would purposely use the time his child was grounded to connect with him, doing activities such as going bowling together. He didn’t do it to “soften the blow” of the consequences, but as a way of finding time to be together and to say, “I want to enjoy time with you.

“Often the best way to be able to nurture a relationship when disciplining is to “let the consequence do the talking.” This leaves you free to express support to your child, rather than lingering disapproval. It helps your child see that discipline and love are not incompatible, but actually two foundational parts of a good parent-child relationship. In our work with families we have heard many parents say they have tried to get the teen interested in spending time with them individually but the teen would not join in. These activities are often things the parents want to do. Let your son or daughter direct some of the activities even if they want to do things you don’t enjoy doing. Make the sacrifice to let your teen show you some of his world. This may involve leaving your own comfort zone. You might also try starting with smaller efforts. If the relationship is strained, your teen may not want to spend a lot of time with you. In such cases, consider focusing first on the list of bulleted ideas presented above.

Have you noticed that when your teen is in trouble you find yourself holding a grudge and carrying a scowl when you are around him to help him understand that he is really in trouble?
What aspects of nurturing do you feel you are doing well?

What challenges do you anticipate as you work to improve your relationship?

What are some specific ways in which you can increase kindness in your relationship with your teen? (Note these ideas with enough detail to help you move forward and put your intentions into action.)

Now that you have started to put together your Home Team, let’s talk about what you can do to tap into it’s full potential. Let’s sort these ideas into three general categories: (1) Staying connected, (2) Making requests, (3) Holding get-togethers. Your Trustyy transition coach will have addition insights and suggestions for each of these categories.

Stay connected

In our busy world, most of us fall victim to the “Out of sight, out of mind” tendency. In addition, we tend not to have the time it takes to stay connected with everyone in our lives. The Family Bridge is the perfect solution to help address these two significant realities! Through the Family Bridge you can easily stay connected with your Home Team with the click of a few buttons. Information can be shared with everyone or with a select few. You decide!

Here are some of the simple ways you can use your personalized Family Bridge portal to stay connected:

• You can list your individual goals, thus inviting others to support you.
• You can post important news to your entire Home Team by using the Team Blog.
• You can send messages to one or more Home Team members just like email.
• You can invite your Home Team to share ideas and suggestions for how to handle certain challenges you might be facing.
• You can upload pictures of your teen and family to share with others.
• You can put events on the calendar, including your teen’s activities (e.g. football games) to encourage others to attend or just wish your teen good luck, etc.

Making requests

Some of the things Home Team members do will happen on their own initiative. However, some of the most effective help will come when you make specific requests. Team members often find it easier to connect if they are given something specific to do. Here are some examples of what you might ask Home Team members to do:

• Send a message of encouragement when your teen is struggling.
• Share any information about job opportunities or even help your teen get set up with a job.
• Write or talk with your teen about a specific topic that may be received best from someone other than you (e.g., an adult who is a recovering addict himself and can talk straight with your teen).
• Take your teen to lunch, giving them a chance to talk – perhaps about a specific issue, or just for a “lift.”
• Include your teen in a service opportunity.
• Go with your teen to an AA meeting.
• Tutor your teen in a school subject.

In addition to making requests, take time to express appreciation to these individuals. As a thank you, you might invite them over for a BBQ dinner or dessert. You could also look for opportunities to give back by reaching out and helping them in some way.

Get-together with your Home Team

Click here to see some examples of how you might invite someone to a Home Team get-together.Holding a Home Team get-together in your home is one of the best things you can do to help kick-start your Home Team. This is a great opportunity to pull everyone together and fuel the momentum for change. It’s also a fantastic way to help melt away any shame your teen might have about being “sent away.” Time and time again we have seen how powerful this type of gathering can be!

Trustyy transition coaches have been privileged to be a part of more than one thousand Home Team gatherings over the past decade and a half. These experiences have taught us how to best facilitate these gatherings in a way that creates a comfortable atmosphere, honors the teen’s journey and progress, and rallies the Home Team around the teen’s goals. In just one evening, Home Team members get a chance to see the changes your teen has made, his accomplishments, and his current maturity. The experience helps your teen begin to let go of the feeling that everyone sees them as “the problem.” As a result, your teen tends to also be more apt to let go of old behaviors and be more receptive of help and support from others.

In addition, parents receive guidance from their transition coach about their role in the evening. With this guidance they are able to participate in a way that tells their teen, “We’re in this together. I’m going to be doing my part to make this work.” As you can imagine, this is very motivating to the teen, who may have previously felt that he was the only one having to make changes.

It’s amazing to see how the teen can light up as they hear their friends and family compliment them, recognize their progress, and often remark on how their growth is visible in their appearance and mannerisms. Though teens are often nervous about the Home Team get-together, they almost always end the evening appreciating the experience!

We would be happy to help you plan for such an evening with your Home Team. Let us know if you’d like our help. To learn more, go to www.trustyy.com.

Click here for a list of ideas for what different Home Team members can do to help.

Additional get-togethers with your Home Team

After you have had the first Home Team get-together, you will likely be more comfortable having another one. We suggest that families meet with the Home Team at least two to three times during the first few months and then as it seems appropriate from thereon. It is important to note that these get-togethers can occur whether things are going well or not.

We have found that there tends to be five general reasons for getting together with your Home Team. Each of those reasons is described briefly below. Keep in mind that depending on the purpose and the circumstances of your situation, you may invite all of the Home Team or just a select few to participate in additional get-togethers. Your Trustyy transition coach can provide additional information as needed.

1. Celebration/Accountability – This is an opportunity to fuel the momentum by highlighting what is going well individually and as a family. Home Team members have an opportunity to share their unique perspective on how they see things progressing (e.g., in school, church, therapy). It is also a time for each family member to identify what they could be doing better, and if necessary, to identify ways the Home Team can help.
2. Connection – This type of meeting is focused on “getting-together”, social interaction, and fun. It may be that there is no formal discussion of your family’s progress or concerns. Rather, it simply provides an opportunity to strengthen your relationships with Home Team members.
3. Education – There are times when it may be helpful to invite one of the professionals on your Home Team to provide education on a topic that would benefit multiple members of the Home Team. Topics may include substance abuse and addiction, information on relevant diagnoses, how to avoid enabling, or any other topic that seems beneficial.
4. Problem-Solving – There may be problems that arise, and a Home Team meeting can be a great resource for discussing and brainstorming possible solutions. By involving the Home Team, you will accomplish three important objectives: 1) Home Team members will be updated on current issues, 2) Energy and ideas from the Home Team will help provide renewed hope, and 3) A plan of action will be created that involves the support of multiple Home Team members.
5. Emergency – There may be situations in which you feel an emergency Home Team meeting may be necessary. Possible topics may include multiple positive drug tests, running away, and impending major life decisions such as dropping out of school. These meetings should be handled appropriately. Involving your transition coach (or other professional) is highly recommended, as they often play a significant role in this type of meeting.