Library Manage Emotions

Avoid Catching Negative Emotions

Emotions tend to be contagious! Like germs in a sneeze, they can be spread from one person to another.

“Catching” emotions from others about our teen.

In one of the stories in the introduction, grandparents and parents were all working together to come up with a consequence for Crystal’s misbehavior. As they sat in the room to talk, their anxiety spread like wildfire. Because each person was increasing in anxiety they were less able to see evidence for Crystal’s good behavior. Without recognition of what was going well, they no longer saw her as a teen who had made a mistake, but as a teen who was on a path of self-destruction – a path the family wasn’t about to let her go down!

It’s so important for parents to reduce their susceptibility to readily picking up emotional reactivity in their communication with professionals, school personnel, and other parents. When emotion spreads without rational evaluation, it tends to intensify without justification until it grows well beyond what is warranted.

Friday afternoon Nancy received a call from the school her son Scott had been attending now for seven weeks. She was informed that Scott was failing two classes. She was also told that Scott was sending off some “bad messages” (e.g., slouching in class). She hung up the phone in frustration and immediately called her husband Bill who was at work. As she shared with him the news, the frustration and anger spread and they both talked about sending him away to a therapeutic boarding school.

Bill immediately called their Homeward Bound transition coach who avoided catching the contagious emotions and instead began to help Bill to take on a more tentative and curious view of the problem, at least for the time being. He invited Bill to consider two or three possible explanations for the problem. As Bill did so, he remembered his son’s struggle with self-worth and how his son struggled to feel competent enough to have some control over his life. After taking time to see that they probably didn’t yet understand the whole story and after diffusing some of the emotion he had caught when talking to his wife, Bill was ready to talk to his son. As it turned out Scott was getting A’s in his other classes and a B instead of an F in one of the classes the school had called about. Had Bill brought this problem up with Scott without taking time to self-soothe, he may have said things he would have regretted and things that would have hurt the trust they were developing in their relationship.

What we need is a distinction between others’ emotions and our own. We want to be able to respond and empathize with others emotions without automatically taking them upon ourselves. As we strive to do this, we can build our immunity to the “sneeze” of emotions coming from other people.

Keeping yourself from catching others’ emotions also doesn’t mean being indifferent and detached. If someone is afraid for your teen, you will want to be able to keep from reacting with fear, but you can still be concerned enough to look further into the situation. For instance, if your spouse’s anxiety about your son’s schoolwork is so high that he wants to become over-involved, you can listen to his concerns and talk about what can be done without adopting his anxiety and the over-involved plan he is suggesting.

“Catching” emotions from our teen.

Some parents live the following statement without saying it: “I need you to calm down so I can be calm.” It is as if they are attached to their teen like Siamese twins, connected at the hip. Any ‘move’ by one of them creates a reaction in the other. When things are going well, this feels good to the parent, but when the child is on an emotional roller-coaster, it’s a different story. The parent finds himself going along for the unwanted ride. With this type of overconnectedness, the parent will be unable to effectively implement the Core Parenting Principles.

The good news is that when you realize you have that type of relationship with one or more of your children (at least to some degree), you have already begun to change the nature of that relationship. The next step involves applying the principles taught in this module.

To avoid catching or spreading unpleasant emotions you can use these tools:

Become aware of emotionally contagious emotions.
Be tentative about your impressions. Take time to think through incidents, looking at all angles, Get the information you need.
Use self-soothing to manage uncomfortable feelings.
Maintain your sense of self.

This will not be easy. Unfortunately, as with physical exercise, the only way to exercise your emotional muscles is to “work at it” in the midst of a frustrating or otherwise emotionally difficult situation. Remember to give yourself credit when you make even small improvements. The ability to self-soothe is valuable and well worth your effort.

Summary

The skills presented in this module, Managing Emotions, will be helpful to you on a day-to-day basis in your parenting, as well as in other areas of your life. The objectives are to build a strong sense of self, to calm your own emotions, and to avoid taking on yourself the upset emotions of others. This can make you a much more effective parent and free you from some of the burden of stress you may be carrying.

It is exciting to grow in your ability to manage your own emotional life. It’s exciting to find that you don’t have to just be a victim or a slave of the feelings which arise as you encounter parenting challenges.

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