Dr. Tim Thayne Presents:
There comes a time in every child’s life when the only reason he will do what you ask is because he loves you.”~ Gawain Wells
Good parenting requires being both firm and kind. The “firm” part is characterized by establishing rules, following through with consequences, and allowing children to experience the results of poor decisions.The “kind” side of parenting concentrates on maintaining a warm, nurturing relationship–an emotional connection. It is carried out by loving acts such as expressing appreciation, showing affection and understanding, and spending positive time together. It also means that while a parent is being firm, such as applying appropriate limits, it is done in a way that maintains respect.
Doing what is best for children always entails a blend of firmness and kindness. These two elements have emerged from hundreds of research studies as the central factors in effective parenting. Appropriate limits in combination with a high degree of love and support toward children consistently produce the best outcomes in terms of children’s overall development and behavior.When parents begin to see resistant behavior in a child, it is common for them to increase emphasis on the firm side of parenting while decreasing nurturing behaviors often to show disapproval. Doing so, however, generally invites a similar response from the child – one of resentment and distancing from the parents. As you might guess, this only reduces the parents’ influence on their child.
Don’t be fooled, as some parents are, into the belief that being firm is the only way to handle your teen’s more serious misbehaviors. We have found that forgetting to nurture the relationship is like staking up a plant to guide its growth and then neglecting to water it.
The emotional connection, the quality of relationship you have with your teen, is like a conduit through which your parenting efforts go between you and your child. Your efforts to teach positive behavior, to deal with his mistakes, and to understand your teen all must pass between you and your child through this pipeline. If it is wide and clear, you will have genuine influence. If it is narrow and full of obstacles, your work is more difficult and less effective.
Psychological well-being is necessary for positive behavior and growth. A cornerstone of this well-being, even for teens, is knowing that they are loved and valued by their parents.”The feeling of being valuable — “I am a valuable person” — is essential to mental health and is a cornerstone of self-discipline. It is a direct product of parental love…
When children have learned through the love of their parents to feel valuable it is almost impossible for the vicissitudes of adulthood to destroy their spirit.”~ M. Scott Peck
Decades of research indicate that the degree of warmth and support from parents affects such things as self-esteem, delinquent behavior, school misconduct, and drug and alcohol abuse.
A child’s feelings of trust and safety are often the first casualty of under-focusing on the “kind” side of parenting and over-focusing on the “firm” side. Even in these circumstances there are ways you can slowly begin to rebuild and nurture your relationship with your child.
One parent caught his son frequently sneaking out at night, skipping school, and using drugs and alcohol. As this teen’s father implemented consequences his son was very angry. During these times of difficulty his father would frequently invite him to work out or do other sporting activities where they would have a chance to build their relationship
At times his son did not want to participate, but even then the teen could not deny that his dad was making an effort to build the relationship despite the difficulties they were going through.
Describe your recent focus on the “firm” and “kind” sides of parenting.
Do you see a need to increase your focus on the “kind” side?
Have you ever been in the unhappy situation where you were being “helped” by a person who didn’t seem to have a kindly heart toward you? Maybe it was a doctor or nurse. Maybe it was a teacher or coach at some point in your growing up years. Maybe it was a co-worker or supervisor. And what about the opposite–a person who you feel has totally accepted you, weak spots and all? It might be a spouse, a close friend, or a parent. You may have that kind of relationship now, or maybe have had it in the past. How open would you be to allowing that person to help you improve, work with you, or guide you?
Similarly, the way you really feel about your teen, the “heart” you have toward him, is what really counts. Being a parent of a struggling teen can be an overwhelming experience emotionally riddled with frustration, disappointment, resentment, and other difficult feelings. Even in these circumstances you can maintain or develop caring feelings by the way you view your teen. Of course there are days when you don’t “like” your teen, but your love and caring can still be there, below the surface.
Your teen has worth and potential. Like you, your teen has fears, worries, hopes and dreams. His behavior is a combination of what has worked and what he hopes will work as he experiments with life and relationships. However mistaken the means or even the goals may seem, they have meaning in his mind. His expressions and behavior are his way of dealing with emotions, some of which may be complicated by relevant diagnoses (e.g. Bipolar, Depression). He may feel to you like the enemy at times, but that isn’t the core motivation for his behavior.
Getting to the place where you can see past the behavior and through the cloud of emotion is worth the work. It will not only help you as a parent, but it will help your teen–now and for the rest of his life.
The heart of nurturing is attention, interest, and caring. You are making an investment of your time and yourself. The goal is to strengthen your emotional connection with your teen. You will demonstrate to yourself and your teen what priority you put on your relationship with him. We are not talking about indulging your teen with things or with inappropriate privileges or lack of limits. We are talking about creating a bond between you and him.A good place to begin is with the small things.
Some just involve a friendly and respectful attitude:
Some take a small chunk of time:
Some are more involved:
Some are about commitment:
One father was working to find small ways to show his daughter warmth and caring. One day he went to the car repair shop to pick up the car his daughter was waiting to use. The car wasn’t ready.
As he phoned to tell her he’d be late with the car, he noticed a coffee shop next door. When she answered the phone he asked if she would like him to bring her something from the coffee shop.Frankly, she was flabbergasted that he would ask. When he got home she gave him the first hug he could remember getting from her in four years. That event set in motion a pleasant weekend and a renewal of a relationship they had lost for over a decade.
The moments you spend to show love to your teen can be rewarding and refreshing for you too. For the moment you can let go of concern about guiding your teen’s behavior and just focus on enjoying him/her, even if it’s in a very small way.
We encourage you to take a careful look at how you might increase the nurturing you do, and we are confident it will benefit your relationship.
Some parents withhold nurturance as a means of communicating their disapproval. Have you noticed what response this invites from teens? Research has shown that withdrawing love as a means of discipline has decidedly negative consequences. Even when a child is grounded or in some other way being disciplined for misbehavior, you can continue to nurture your relationship. One parent would purposely use the time his child was grounded to connect with him, doing activities such as going bowling together. He didn’t do it to “soften the blow” of the consequences, but as a way of finding time to be together and to say, “I want to enjoy time with you.
“Often the best way to be able to nurture a relationship when disciplining is to “let the consequence do the talking.” This leaves you free to express support to your child, rather than lingering disapproval. It helps your child see that discipline and love are not incompatible, but actually two foundational parts of a good parent-child relationship. In our work with families we have heard many parents say they have tried to get the teen interested in spending time with them individually but the teen would not join in. These activities are often things the parents want to do. Let your son or daughter direct some of the activities even if they want to do things you don’t enjoy doing. Make the sacrifice to let your teen show you some of his world. This may involve leaving your own comfort zone. You might also try starting with smaller efforts. If the relationship is strained, your teen may not want to spend a lot of time with you. In such cases, consider focusing first on the list of bulleted ideas presented above.
Have you noticed that when your teen is in trouble you find yourself holding a grudge and carrying a scowl when you are around him to help him understand that he is really in trouble?
What aspects of nurturing do you feel you are doing well?
What challenges do you anticipate as you work to improve your relationship?
What are some specific ways in which you can increase kindness in your relationship with your teen? (Note these ideas with enough detail to help you move forward and put your intentions into action.)
Dr. Tim Thayne Presents:
Mike is one of those brilliant, self-taught, back end developers that you always hear about. As a youth he could trust that “My mother would love me no matter what . . .” When he isn’t cranking out new code, Mike keeps up on the newest technologies and every Tuesday and Thursday nights he trains SpeedSoft with his team.
Rafael has his degree in Marketing and Advertising and years of experience with our dev team. As a teen he could trust that “The most important thing in life is love, and the most valuable things are our family and friends.” When he isn’t working on making the website and mobile versions of Trustyy seamless and functional, he unwinds by exploring nature. His favorite activities are climbing mountains, camping, going to the beach, swimming, playing the harmonica and always learning new things.
Afton’s experience is in marketing and bookkeeping. As a teen she could trust that with her parents “Feeding the horses and milking the cow each day before school–not after–was a must.” When she isn’t busy with keeping Trustyy’s lights on, you’ll usually find her baking up a new treat or working on a sewing project.
Nicoli has a degree in Multimedia Production. She has worked with our team of developers for three years. She learned to trust her own parents when they taught her “Things won’t come easy and that working hard will bring me great blessings!” When she isn’t putting together beautiful marketing pieces for the Trustyy App she likes to take pictures, play the guitar, piano, and drums, and meet up with her family to laugh over the silly things they did as kids.
Adriano is certified in Analysis and Systems Development. In his family he could trust the fact that “One difficult experience teaches me that failure is not the end, but rather an opportunity for growth and learning.” When he is away from his work in making sure the Trustyy App buttons and bells and whistles are working properly, he likes to go to the gym, to the beach to surf, on walks with his dog, or go out with his girlfriend.
Lucas’s work experience is in User Experience, Interface Design and Product Management. As a teen he could trust that “In my home honesty was highly valued and lying was not tolerated.” When he isn’t at work making sure the Trustyy App is easy on the eyes, Lucas likes hiking, gaming, going out for dinner, and spending time with family.
Cadu has his education in Analysis and System Development. While growing up he could always trust that “My parents would be there to support from playing soccer at the park to learning to ride a bike.” When he isn’t making sure things are easily navigated for our Trustyy App users, he likes to play beach soccer and enjoy music of any type, but specifically rock, country, R&B, and pop.
Mike is one of those brilliant, self-taught, back-end developers that you always hear about. As a youth he could trust that “My mother would love me no matter what.” When he isn’t cranking out new code, Mike keeps up on the newest technologies and every Tuesday and Thursday nights he trains SpeedSoft with his team.
Roxanne received her bachelor’s degree in history and secondary education. She has worked in publishing and marketing for the past 14 years. In her family Roxanne says she could trust that “Her grammar and posture would be consistently corrected, to help her to become a lady.” When she isn’t busy writing and beautifying things for the Trustyy App, you can find her reading biographies, practicing yoga, or gathering the family to talk business, celebrate wins or just plain hang out.
Sidney has a bachelor’s degree in Web Development and has worked in technology for 16 years, building apps for the last 10 years. Growing up he could trust that “It was always expected that I would fix anything related to technology.” When he isn’t managing the development of the Trustyy App, you will find him spending time with his wife and kids. He loves to make Brazillian BBQ with his family.
Jim has a degree in Design and over 25 years of experience creating SaaS products and managing talented product and development teams. In his years at home as the oldest of five he could trust that “Each child got a weekly ‘night-up’ where we got to stay up late with a parent and do anything we wanted with them.” When he isn’t looking 10 miles down the road for what will come next on the Trustyy App, you will find Jim canyoneering, doing photography, watercolor painting, or keeping up on the latest gadgets and technologies.
Eric earned his degree in Communications, Public Relations and Advertising, then added on an MBA. He says he could trust that “His parents were honest people who kept their commitments–especially to their kids.” When Eric isn’t keeping everyone at Trustyy on task, he is an outdoor enthusiast, year around, rain or shine, cold or hot, with biking in the summer and skiing in the winter.
Tim earned masters and doctoral degrees in Marriage and Family Therapy, and has 30 years of experience working with families. While growing up Tim says he could trust that “My mother would love me no matter what, and that my dad would require that I respect my mother.” When he isn’t busy guiding the vision for the Trustyy App, you can find Tim working around the house and yard, taking care of his sheep, dogs and horses, or enjoying a game of Corn Hole with the family.
