Principle #3: Clear Expectations Encourage Consistency and Teach Values

All organizations need clear expectations and rules in order to encourage consistency and accomplish their purposes. Families are no exception. These rules also are important as they help children learn the values held by society and their parents, and how those apply to everyday living.

Expectations and rules:

• teach children what is acceptable behavior.
• create a consistent home environment.
• strengthen family relationships by encouraging positive interaction.
• reinforce your leadership as the head of the family.
• provide a sense of safety and certainty in a very unstable and uncertain world.

Setting clear expectations

Have you ever been in a situation where there have been inconsistent or unclear rules or expectations? What effect did it have on you and others?

There are countless expectations that can exist in families. There are expectations for how we treat each other, what responsibilities each person has to the family, what individuals are expected to do for themselves (and what others will do for them), and for which activities are appropriate and which are not – just to name a few.

These expectations may be so obvious that they can remain “unspoken” (e.g., it’s not okay to steal from each other or damage others’ belongings). Many expectations do need to be “spoken” (e.g., we will allow you to use the family car as long as you take care of it and fill up the gas tank occasionally). Commonly parents set expectations around issues such as use of cell phones, computer, TV, game consoles; use of a car; money who pays for what; what kind of activities/gatherings are acceptable to attend; household chores; and curfew.

One teen’s parents had a rule that their daughter should be home by 10:00 p.m. At 10:00 she was home, but on the porch sitting with her friends. Her parents didn’t feel she had complied with the rule, but she saw no reason that she should end her time with friends, because she was at home on time. The parents needed to be clear that curfew meant being home without friends.

For some children, there is less need for detail (e.g., fill up the gas tank occasionally). General expectations along with occasional reminders is enough. For most others, more detail is necessary in order to avoid constant battles (e.g., “contribute $10 for gas each week). In fact, some seem to think it’s their job to test their parents’ memories. It can be useful to write down the details of expectations that are likely to be challenged down the road.

Many parents fail to be clear about their expectations because they are wanting or hoping their kids will “take initiative.” Sometimes they try to give their kids hints about what they want them to do instead of telling them straight out. A father who was irritated because his son wasn’t taking out the trash would take out the trash himself, making it a point to empty every family member’s trash but his son’s. Another wanted his son to get a job, but became upset and yelled at his son when the job procured was at a pizza restaurant the father didn’t want his son working at. The guidelines for acceptable places to work hadn’t been stated.

A family who lived in a condo community used a golf cart, as everyone did, to drive around the community. Their son was given the privilege of driving the golf cart as long as he took proper care of it. Sometimes when he parked it he would cover it and sometimes he wouldn’t. And sometimes when he didn’t cover it his father would blow up at him, and sometimes when he didn’t cover it his father would say nothing. On some days the whole family would argue about it, on others no one would say a word.

One day the father complained to his Homeward Bound transition coach about how irresponsible the son was with the use of the golf cart, how he didn’t cover it when he was supposed to, etc. Then the father said something very interesting. He said, “It’s not like I get mad at him every time he doesn’t cover it.”

“You don’t?” asked the transition coach.

“No,” replied the father.

“Why not?” asked the transition coach.

“Well, he doesn’t have to cover it all the time,” the father said.

“Okay, so when do you get mad at him for not covering it?” asked the transition coach.

The answer was brief but gave some of the father’s expectations – if it looked like it was going to rain, he wanted it covered, and on weekends when the community had a lot of visitors, he wanted it to be covered. However, he’d never given those guidelines to his son. Once he sat his son down, and explained clearly what his expectations were, the conflict around that issue ceased.

Getting children’s input

While parents have the ultimate say regarding expectations, we have found that talking with children about their thoughts and ideas regarding expectations provides an opportunity to teach. An open discussion about expectations usually leads to conversation about family values and lessons you have learned in life. You will also learn about some of the expectations your children’s friends have in their families, especially those your children hope that you adopt in your family – usually the more lenient expectations!

Holding these types of conversations helps you learn about your children’s opinions, experiences, and friends. It is not the time to make final decisions about what the expectations and rules will be. This should be done alone with your spouse (if applicable). While this process helps increase general acceptance of the expectations and rules, it will not prevent all resistance. To learn more about this process read the module, Family Rules and Consequences.

Making expectations realistic and appropriate

Expectations and rules should be based on your values and beliefs as parents. These expectations should apply to all your family members but take into account changing circumstances and age differences (e.g., chores expected of each child). While many expectations remain unchanged (e.g., honesty), some will be adjusted over time to accommodate the age and maturity of your child (e.g., curfew).

Parenting Tip:

The key in helping your children adopt your values is not to punish imperfection with lectures and severe consequences. The key is to continuously teach and live the values yourself. When a mistake is made, see it as an opportunity to teach your child. At the same time, don’t allow the child to benefit from telling the lie, etc. (Be careful! Being understanding of imperfections in your child does not mean that you simply let misbehavior slide without a consequence.)

Being realistic about your expectations is also important. For example, expecting your children to maintain a 4.0 GPA may not be realistic. Another example would be expecting a 17-year-old boy to eat more fruits and vegetables. It’s a good healthy idea, but probably not something you should manage and arrange consequences for.(Though, if healthy eating is a concern, you may choose to limit the amount of junk food you make available in your home.) Another example would be expecting teens to be in too early on a weekend night, say 9:00 p.m. for a 16-year-old.

It is also important to be realistic about what can be expected of a child in terms of things such as moral development. For example, as parent you might value integrity and honesty. As a result, you’ll teach your children not to lie. However, to expect them never to lie would be unrealistic. Children, young and old, will inevitably tell a white lie – a lot of them – to gain acceptance, to try to avoid punishment, etc. Some parents overreact and become very concerned. The truth is, however, those same parents told lies themselves when they were children.

Are your family rules consistent with your values?

Are there expectations that need to be changed to fit your children’s differing levels of maturity?

Are you realistic about the expectations you place on your children?

Follow-through

As children grow, they tend to adopt values of their own and will often experiment with behavior outside what is acceptable to you. While giving into this may give the appearance of tolerance, ultimately, it undermines your goal to establish a consistent home environment. As a parent, you do have a right to expect your children to honor established values while they are living at home.

One mother became increasingly frustrated that her son would repeatedly not take the trash out to the curb without being reminded to do so each week.

After learning of this, her Homeward Bound transition coach predicted that he will continue to rely on her reminder so long as it doesn’t negatively affect them.

The coach suggested that she simply let her son know that she would no longer be reminding him to take the trash out. Instead, if he forgot, he would need to take it to the dump himself.

Upon hearing this, he pulled out his phone and added an electronic reminder to take out the trash every Thursday night. Not only was her problem solved, but he was learning to be more independent.

Creating expectations and rules as a parent is much like placing sheep in a pen. When placed in a pen, the sheep will explore the area and put pressure on the fence in order to find weaknesses and possible ways to get out. Your children are no different. They will constantly push against the fence. As parents, you are responsible to maintain and reinforce the fence. Remember that when children test the limits, they are also testing your commitment to the relationship and your leadership in the family hierarchy.

Having clear expectations and rules will not solve or prevent all problems from occurring. Your children will never stop testing boundaries. However, when testing occurs, firmly, calmly, and consistently let your children know that you still expect them to follow the rule, and that appropriate consequences still apply. Remember, it is your response to their testing that determines success. After all, it’s not what you tell them to do that they listen to the most; it’s what you actually enforce that gets their attention the most. See the next section, choice and accountability, to learn more about follow-through.

From Your Trustyy Coach

Written expectations should be kept to a minimum in order to reduce the potential for creating an artificial, legal tone in your relationship with your teen. Written expectations are best used during transitional times (e.g., bringing a teen home from long-term placement, or a parent making a significant move to reclaim their authority). They should target areas of major concern which have a high likelihood for being a point of testing in the future. For additional guidelines in this area, refer to Family Rules and Consequences.