Principle #5: Parental Unity Creates Family Stability and Strength

Implementing the first four principles and then failing to be unified as parents is like building a brick home but forgetting to use mortar. With minimal force, the structure you have built will be weakened and eventually crumble. Parental unity is the mortar which provides added stability and strength to the family.

Benefits

Presenting a united front can be a challenging task for parents; however, there are many benefits to mastering this skill. First, a united front reduces your children’s attempts to play one parent against the other in a manipulative manner which often can lead to marital conflict about parenting decisions. In addition, a united front also results in less arguing and less testing of the boundaries by the child. Eventually, when parents are successful at being seen by their children as unified, the child rarely will go to the other parent when one parent is doing or saying something the child does not like.

Second, being unified as parents strengthens each parent’s authority, individually and collectively.

Consider the following scenario.

Your child comes and tells you that mom won’t let him go out with his friends tonight. They go on to say they don’t have a test tomorrow in school and have all their homework done. You then decide to let him go as a reward because he has been doing so well in school.

This has just weakened your wife’s power, made it more likely in the future that your son will not honor your wife’s decisions, and will now come to you first to get his way. So although you might win brownie points if you are more lenient than your spouse, you will ultimately serve to undermine your spouse’s authority. It will also be more difficult for you to maintain clear boundaries, rules, etc. because they will see you as lenient and escalate if necessary to get what they want from you.

Last but not least, unity as parents models for your children a healthy parenting style that your children will likely adopt in their own parenting down the road.

Challenges

• One of the biggest challenges to being unified as parents is time. We recognize that being unified takes time and energy that is sometimes in short supply. Many families have parents that both work, have busy schedules, care for other children, and other responsibilities in and out of the home. Another challenge occurs when new situations arise and the other parent may not be accessible to discuss the matter before a decision needs to be made.
• Another major challenge exists for parents who do not share the same parenting philosophy. For example, one parent might believe that children should be given freedom to make their own decisions and learn from their choices, while the other believes that parents should be very involved in the children’s lives and use rules and restrictions to help them avoid bad situations.
• While these challenges may seem insurmountable, it is our experience that if parents are willing to spend the time and energy up front to discuss their parenting philosophies and to plan how to handle major issues, then parents will find that maintaining a unified front requires much less time and energy than they first thought. In fact, it often saves time because it reduces the amount of arguing and manipulating that occurs. Why? Because splitting the parents is no longer working for the child.
• At Trustyy, we have seen parents become unified (whether married or divorced) when others believed it was impossible. That said, it’s not an easy mountain to climb. To be blunt, if you have found it difficult to be unified for quite some time, it’s fairly unlikely that you will be able to achieve unity without professional help.

Strategies for Success

Here are some strategies that can help you enjoy the benefits of a unified front and overcome the challenges you might face in trying to do so.

1. Plan together

• Being unified as parents is only achieved when you take time to communicate regularly and privately about your family issues. For example:
• Have conversations about your goals for each child, and ways you can support and encourage that child.
• Be on the same page with regard to rules, privileges and consequences. It is easier when these items are decided on in advance, rather than in a reactive moment.
• Decide which items (requests, responsibilities, rules, etc.) are negotiable, which are non-negotiable, and which you are willing to just let go of. Decide this before you begin a conversation with your child in which they are asking for changes in rules, etc.
• Talk together first about decisions before talking with your child. This may require you to ask your child to leave the room so you can talk in private about your child’s request.
• If an ex-spouse is involved, it is important to communicate privately about parental issues with him/her and to work for a relationship of mutual respect.
• Communicate frequently to keep each other in the loop.

2. Support the parental team when interacting with children

• At times, children will try to “divide and conquer,” getting permission or privileges from one parent when the other has already declined. Sometimes the child will even tell the parent that the other parent said it was okay. Other times they may say nothing about the other parent, in which case it is a good idea to ask the child if they have discussed it with the other parent yet. This communicates to the child an important message– that you care and respect what the other parent thinks. If your child has frequently tried to manipulate in this way, we suggest that you make it a habit of checking with the other parent regardless of what they tell you, at least until the habit is broken.
• Do not tell them “Yes, but I need to ask your dad/mom first.” That just sets up the other parent to be the “bad guy” if the other parent doesn’t agree. (Obviously, not every request needs to be run through both parents.)
• Teenagers are sometimes good at “cornering” the more lenient parent and putting a lot of pressure on them to give in or change a rule in the middle of a discussion. When this occurs, it is critical that you hold your ground. Be firm and respond by saying something like, “That is the rule,” or “Your father/mother and I will discuss the issue and we will make a decision together.”
• Avoid the temptation to “be the good guy,” For example, “Your mom might not approve, but I don’t see any problem with it.” Although this response might reduce conflict with your child, it will create conflict and resentment between you and your spouse. Sadly, although your child will get what they want, they will also begin to feel responsible for your marital problems that will inevitably worsen.
• When one of your children approaches you and complains about something the other parent is doing or has done, support your spouse by letting the child know that you support/trust your spouse’s decision. If you have concerns about what your spouse has done, approach them in private and share your concerns. If your spouse agrees that his/her actions were not the best, let him/her go to the child and resolve it, BUT do not let the child know that you intervened on his behalf.
• Speak highly of your spouse in front of your children (and others). While this is an indirect strategy, it helps because children seem to inherently understand the concept that we are more likely to support those we respect.
• Conversely, avoid complaining about your spouse in front of the children (or to anyone for that matter); instead, talk directly with your spouse about your concerns.
• Recognize that children pick up on facial expressions and tone of voice so don’t fool yourself into believing that you can roll your eyes at your spouse and not have your children ‘hear’ the words behind the eye rolling.
• Talk in private about marital concerns, disagreements about the children, and other topics that are not appropriate for the children (e.g., financial problems, marital intimacy, discipline of other children). Similarly, don’t fool yourself into believing they can’t hear arguing through the walls or doors. Overhearing unhealthy arguing can have a significant negative impact on anxiety, depression, isolation, self-harm, oppositional behavior, and many more issues.
• Support your partner almost unconditionally. This support may be spoken or silent. Your children need to understand that both parents are capable of handling situations even when the other parent is sitting right there. So be careful not to jump in and “rescue” the involved parent. There are times, however, when the other parent may need support because they are simply out of energy or in a bad head space. Spouses can be creative by establishing a signal, such as a hand gesture or a phrase that invites the other parent to step in and be a support. Such support should be done in a unified manner that strengthens the other parent.
• In one family a mother felt particularly ignored by her children. When she asked them to turn off the television so they could complete their chores, they would pretend that she didn’t exist. Worst of all, her husband was on the couch watching television with them and didn’t respond or support his wife at all. This type of disunity sends a powerful negative message about expectations and relationships.
• Avoid keeping secrets from the other parents in a way that colludes with the children. Keeping secrets suggests loyalty to the child over the co-parent and also suggests that there is something (usually something negative) about the other parent that makes it best if they do not know about the secret. For example, giving the child money to help pay a speeding ticket but telling the child not to tell the other parent suggests that there is a disagreement between the parents about whether to give their children money to help rescue them from bad decisions. The child may also interpret this to mean that the parent giving the money is more committed to the child than their spouse. Another example might be keeping a child’s misbehavior a secret from the other parent. This implies that the other parent can’t handle the truth and may react negatively to the news. Even if this is true, it is better to work together as parents to address the tendency to overreact to misbehavior than it is to avoid the problem by keeping secrets with the children.
• This kind of unity can be achieved even when the parenting is shared between more than one household, as illustrated in this next example.
• One teen had a pattern of moving from one household to another when things became too frustrating. She would move between her mother’s house, her dad and step-mom’s house, and her grandmother’s house. At one point all those involved came together and decided that this girl should be with her mother. One day while living with her mom, the girl was upset that she was being held accountable and went in the bathroom to phone her grandmother. She pleaded over and over for for her grandmother to come and get her. The grandmother held firm and supported this girl’s mom. The teen became angry and yelled, “Fine! Then I hate you too,” and hung up the phone. The conversation was not pleasant, but this type of unity between parenting partners helped to mend damaged relationships. And it wasn’t long before the daughter let go of her anger towards both parents and grandmother as well.

3. Strengthen the spousal relationship

• A strong marriage provides a solid foundation on which to build parental unity. When a child’s problematic behavior escalates, it can be easy to neglect each other’s needs. Here are some brief suggestions for maintaining a strong and satisfying relationship.
  • Show kindness.
  • Respect differing viewpoints.
  • Compromise.
  • Make supportive statements.
  • Go on regular dates with each other.
  • Compliment each other in front of your children.
  • Withhold little negative comments.
  • Keep marital issues private.
  • Learn to appreciate your different approaches to life.
  • Apologize.
  • Forgive.

Being “one” as a parenting team is vital to your success. Remember that “oneness” is not “sameness” and that unity does NOT mean that you have to robotically interact with your children according to a script. Each of you should use your unique gifts, talents, insight and ideas to positively influence your child.

Parental unity will provide stability and strength to your marriage, your parenting and your child.

How can you personally work to improve your parental unity with your spouse or ex-spouse?

Even if you believe your spouse/ex-spouse is the one who undermines unity, what is the smallest change you are willing to make?

Triangulation

Everyone wants a friend or ally. When there is conflict or stress between two people, one or both of them tend to seek out someone else to soften the difficulty. It’s called triangulation, because it changes things from a two-person dynamic to a three-person dynamic. All of us have done this hundreds of times, so what’s the problem? Sometimes there’s little or no harm done, but it can potentially erode the foundation of healthy and happy relationships.

To illustrate

Last night the dishwasher quit working. This morning Mom asks Dad to take a look at it. He promises to take a look at it as soon as he gets back from his golf game. Mom wants it done now, and Mom and Dad argue about it. Dad leaves to go golfing anyway.

Five minutes later Daughter comes down from her room, and Mom says, “I hope you like washing dishes by hand.”

Daughter asks, “Why?”

Mom ignores the question to say, “Are you planning on marrying a golfer?”

More confused, Daughter asks, “What are you talking about?”

“Well, since you ask,” Mom says, “your Dad has decided to go have fun on the golf course instead of fixing the dishwasher. Isn’t that considerate? Now you get to help do the dishes.”

“That sucks!” exclaims the daughter.

“I totally agree! But telling me that isn’t going to help.”

What happened?

Mom was frustrated about her conflict with Dad, so she “triangulated” with Daughter.

• You probably noticed that:
  • Mom and Daughter’s conversation focused only on Mom’s view of the situation and highlighted Dad’s faults. (Are you curious what Dad’s perspective might be?)
  • With this information, Daughter agreed with Mom and empathized with her.
  • Now Mom and Daughter have a little alliance “against” Dad.
  • Daughter’s relationship with Dad is damaged (she’s angry at him). Mom has sort of invited her to complain to him.
  • Mom feels understood and supported, so now she feels less need to work things out with Dad directly. The marital relationship is weakened.
  • Mom feels even more certain that she’s justified in being angry, and more certain that her view is correct.
  • Mom has done all this in a way that she can convince herself she didn’t really bring the daughter into it intentionally. Thus Mom is likely to fall into the same behavior another time.

The bottom line: Two relationships are weakened, the Mom-Dad relationship and also the Daughter-Dad relationship. Mom and Dad are less likely to problem-solve constructively about this issue, so the underlying problem persists.

Relationships are complex. Triangulation makes them needlessly and problematically much more complex. If you are aware of triangulation and how easy it is to slip into, you can do a lot to avoid it.

Common types of triangulation in families

1. Parent has a problem with the other parent; shares frustration with a child

• The scenario above is an example of this type of triangulation. Families function best when the parental relationship is strong and the boundary around it is protected.
• Be particularly conscientious not to triangulate by bringing a child into marital issues. It not only weakens your marriage, but also puts a confusing, inappropriate burden on your child. If the marital issues continue to go unresolved, consider getting the assistance of a therapist or other relevant professional to help you gain insight and relate more effectively with each other. This type of triangulation along with its harmful effects can also occur with parents who are divorced.

2. Child has an issue with one parent; tries to get the other parent to intervene

• A teen gets into an argument with his mom because she won’t let him buy a motorcycle. The teen calls his dad at work and complains about how restrictive his mom is and how she’s always worried he’ll get hurt. The dad agrees with his son and promises to talk to mom.
• This type of triangulation occurs frequently and will quickly undermine parental unity. In most cases, it is best for the dad (or whichever parent is being triangulated) to say something like, “I’m sure your mom has a good reason for doing what she’s doing.”
• Even if you don’t agree with the other parent, it is best to defer judgment and then talk to your spouse in private. In addition, there is wisdom in encouraging the child to work things out with the other parent rather than trying to intervene and resolve the conflict. Often, this encouragement can include suggestions for how to best resolve conflicts, thus providing a great teaching opportunity.

3. Child has problem with a sibling; tries to get the parent to intervene/align with him

• Two siblings get into an argument and one of them comes running to the other parent with a convincing story of how victimized they have been by his sibling.
• Nearly every parent has or will experience this situation. While it is impossible to give a blanket solution, it is safe to say that parents intervene much too frequently in these matters without allowing for the siblings to work things out on their own. Even when a parent does feel the need to intervene, care should be given to help the two siblings use good conflict resolution skills rather than simply declaring a verdict.

4. A person has a problem in a relationship; uses “things” to feel better

• A mother argues with her son. He takes off in the car and she turns to the wine cabinet.
• A husband fights with his wife and instead of going to bed, he spends several hours on the internet.
• A teen frustrated with parents goes out to do drugs.
• This type of triangulation with things is very common. It occurs with alcohol, drugs, pornography, the internet, computer games, and so on (instead of with a third person). It can quickly turn into addiction, especially if the intent is to escape and avoid dealing with the problems and stresses of relationships.

Tips for avoiding triangulation

• Make every effort to work through arguments with the family member involved. The principles taught in Solution TalkTM can be a great resource for helping you resolve family conflict.
• Avoid the temptation to vent to another person. Ask yourself, “Would I want them complaining to others about me?” If you do feel it is necessary to talk with someone about the situation, invite them up front to help you identify what you can do to improve the situation.
• When someone tries to triangulate with you
• This is characterized by someone coming to you for sympathy or agreement about their trouble with another person.
• If you find that someone is trying to pull you in and triangulate with you, encourage them to work out their problem with the other person. Be careful not to validate their one-sided story. Instead, invite them to look at what they could have done differently or what they could do now to solve the problem. If necessary, be direct by saying something like, “I’m not comfortable talking about ‘so and so’ when he/she is not here.”
• If you find yourself feeling responsible for resolving the conflict between the other two individuals, try to step back and remember that it is best if they can work through it on their own. Some people are uncomfortable with conflict and tension, whether it is in their relationships or between two people they care about.

Parent-to-Parent Talk

• It’s certainly appropriate when you, as a parent, go to the other parent to discuss a problem or concern with your child. If you are able to help each other stay focused on what you can do to improve the situation and if you can avoid having the conversation turn into a negative, hopeless discussion about how bad your child is, then your discussion will be both healthy and helpful.

Assignment:

What kinds of things do you feel threaten your own parental unity?

What successes have you had in being unified as parents in the past?

Begin by having a conversation about your parenting philosophies. Discuss topics such as:

• “What do children need to be successful?”
• “What is a parent’s role in helping their children succeed?”
• “How important are rules and consequences?”
• “What types of punishments are appropriate?”

In having this discussion, focus first on identifying the common beliefs and ideas you share together. If there are differences, try to find middle ground. Remember, it is better to compromise for the sake of unity than it is to have parenting styles that are fundamentally different. Again, having this conversation with a Trustyy transition coach will dramatically increase the odds of achieving a positive outcome.