Principle #6: Change Takes Time and Sustained Effort

Change is rarely immediate and is often difficult to sustain. Many of us have experiences with unfulfilled New Year’s resolutions as evidence of this fact!

Your child deserves the same understanding and support as anyone who is struggling to change a difficult habit. This includes being patient and forgiving.

Especially when a teen has been in a treatment program, parents often expect changes to occur immediately and without relapse to old patterns. Those who have this belief find themselves becoming frustrated when their hopes for ‘clean cut’ change are not met. Those who are able to accept that change takes time and sustained effort find their frustration level decreasing and their patience and stamina increasing.

A parent of a teen who was addicted to drugs and alcohol was having trouble with the teen’s school attendance. The teen frequently skipped school so he could do drugs with his friends. One day the teen’s mother called the police when she knew he was skipping school. She encouraged them to press charges against him. This brought about a court case in which the teen was put on probation and the mother was able to request that the teen be court ordered to recovery. The judge agreed and the teen was so ordered.

The mom understands that this change is something that will take time and her intervention may be just one in a long line of interventions until he realizes for himself that he needs to change. Because the mom understands that change takes time she is able to have hope in the midst of a difficult situation. She is also able to respond in ways that increase her positive influence on her son.

The change process

There has been extensive scholarly work on how people change problem behaviors such as overeating, smoking, abusing alcohol, etc.1 The findings have been successfully applied to a wide variety of change-promoting programs. To our knowledge, it has not been adapted for parents and yet it provides valuable insights for parents as they seek to help encourage change in their children. Consequently, we’re adapting it here for your use.

The underlying concept is that change is a process with certain stages that have been identified. People (you, me, your teen) rarely leap to the last stage of the process. Instead, they move from one stage to the next, often slipping into previous steps before successfully making the desired change. Recognizing these stages can help you know how to encourage someone to move from one stage to another.

The five stages of change are listed below.

Precontemplation – (“Problem? What problem?”)

In this stage people are not considering making changes.

People don’t consider a particular behavior a problem, though others may see clearly that it is.

They also tend to underestimate the benefits of change and overestimate the costs of change.

They are not looking at making changes in the next 6 months

Contemplation – (“Maybe someday.”)

People have intentions of changing in the upcoming months.

They are more aware of the pros and cons of change

They have some ambivalence towards creating change.

Preparation – (“How am I going to make this change?”)

People intend to take action in the next 30 days.

The person is still considering what to do.

Action – (“I’m doing it. One step at a time.”)

They are actively changing their behavior.

They may slip into old patterns here and there.

Maintenance – (“Now I just need to keep from slipping back.”)

Effort is being made to maintain positive changes.

Others may be commenting on the positive changes they have seen.

In considering these stages, it can be helpful to point out that people can be in differing stages for various issues. For example, your teen may be contemplating whether he wants to stay away from marijuana (stage 2), while he may be in the decidedly working on improving his respectful behavior at home (stage 4). Or, your teen may be contemplating whether she is willing to give up social media (stage 2), but in the midst of preparing to join the photography club at school that you’ve been encouraging her to join (stage 3).

Inviting movement to the next stage

Identify two or three ongoing concerns you have regarding your teen. See if you can determine which stage of change your teen is in for each topic you have listed.

Although you have made an educated guess at which stage your teen is in for those topics you listed, we would encourage you to recognize that your best guess may be wrong. Consequently, we invite you to look for moments when you can talk with your teen about the topics you have listed. Instead of trying to change him, spend all of your effort simply trying to learn what stage of change he is in. Often, it’s as simple as asking.

“Max, I don’t know if I’ve ever asked you this, but I was wondering, is there a point at which you think you will choose to give up cigarettes?”

“Chris, we’ve talked a lot about you losing weight – maybe even too much. I don’t know if we’ve ever just asked you what you want.”

In addition to the ideas presented below, we encourage you to read and apply the principles taught in the Solution Talk module. Sometimes changing something as simple as the way we talk about a concern can make a big difference in whether changes occur or not.

Although we will share with you how you can influence your teen’s desire to change, remember it’s not about controlling your teen. He is going to make his own decisions and you cannot force him (at least not for too long) to make the right choice.

With that, let’s look at what you “CAN” do as a parent if your teen doesn’t even think their behavior is a problem or that a change is necessary.

Facilitate progress to the next stage

• Create awareness: Help your teen see the consequences of their behavior.
• Allow feelings: Let your teen feel the unpleasant emotions that follow poor choices.
• Note the impact: Teach them how their actions impact others.
• Create awareness: Remember, one of your roles as a parent is to teach. Sometimes that means helping your teen understand the facts about his behavior – how it will affect his body, his schooling, the impact it might have on his future, his ability to find good jobs, etc. Keep in mind, though, that good teachers share information in ways that will most likely be accepted. So lectures and criticisms are not the best options available to you. Using a little creativity can help. Remember, just like marriage proposals, some messages will be rejected no matter how well delivered they are.

One teen thought he understood the impact of drugs and the danger of them. His mom recognized that his view of drugs was limited and left him vulnerable. She created notes with messages similar to those you might find in drug awareness commercials. She then posted them periodically in various places where she knew her son would see them. This alone did not change his behavior, but he started to think more about the possible consequences of his drug use. In addition, the “post it” notes also sent a powerful secondary message: “I love you too much to say nothing.”

Ways to create awareness include providing helpful literature, suggesting particular TV programs, websites, or podcasts, and directly giving feedback about the consequences of your teen’s behavior. This is most effective if parents do it in a caring, non-attacking manner without overtones of blaming, disgust, or anger.

Increased awareness of the facts doesn’t propel a person to immediate change, but it does help invite them to begin to think more about their actions, thus inviting them into the Contemplation Stage.

Allow feelings: When our children are making poor choices, they are likely to experience unpleasant emotions. Sometimes parents feel sorry for them and rescue them from the emotion or in some way help the unpleasant emotion disappear quickly. This principle applies with all teens, thought it will play out differently depending on their issues. If your child is struggling with anxiety, for example, they may try to avoid situations, responsibilities, etc. because of unpleasant feelings. They may try to get you to make “accommodations” to allow them to escape these feelings. Making accommodations, however, only reinforces their anxiety and prevents change.

For a teen who is using substances, their choices may lead to getting in trouble at school or with the law. At times, parents are tempted to step in and negotiate on their behalf in order to resolve the problem with minimal difficulty. In these moments, it is helpful to remember that unpleasant emotions will help your teen want to stop making the poor choice.

This same teen in the opening example about being truant from school eventually ended up being taken to the juvenile center. The mom was encouraged by the sheriff and the staff of the juvenile center to come and get him right away. She told them that she was not going to go and get him. She wanted him to feel the emotions of being locked up. He was afraid, but she knew he needed to experience the feelings that accompany the consequences of his behavior. She did not save him from those feelings.

Note the impact: People are helped through the change process as they notice the impact of their behavior on others. Generally we don’t want to hurt those we love or others around us. In the example of an adult smoking, ‘noting the impact’ may be watching someone you love suffer the effects of your smoking. It may be watching your child be diagnosed with asthma because of the second-hand smoke that she inhaled over the past 6 years of her life.

The teen in the example above came home from juvenile detention and apologized to his sister. He was able to see that his behavior of stealing and selling her things so he could continue to buy drugs had impacted his relationship with her. He was beginning to see that his behavior had an impact on her.

Parents (or members of the Home Team) can point out to the teen the impact of his behavior on his family and friends, including the effects of his behavior as a role model. Again, it needs to be done in a matter-of-fact way and at a time when you have been able to find your teen somewhat open to a conversation. It could be done with written notes. Avoid sending a message that you don’t accept and value your teen himself. Simply point out effects on others, without adding anger or blame.

All of these responses above may influence your teen to change; but it is not an immediate process. It may be slow and sometimes painful to watch. Your teen may have moved from precontemplation to contemplation – where he thinks that he will change in the coming months. Once your teen is in the contemplation stage, there are additional things that you can “DO” to help him move to the preparation stage.

Develop a New Image

Offer Confidence and Support

Develop a new image: If you can’t imagine it, you probably won’t achieve it. Similarly, if you don’t believe something is possible, you probably won’t try to do it. Given these points, it is helpful when your teen can imagine what he would be like if he were to change (overcome the problem). It is equally important for him to believe he can actually be that type of person if he tries.

Parents can help the teen visualize what she will be like without the problem behavior. This can be done in casual, optimistic comments without any element of scolding or disrespect.

“I can see you being a lot less stressed once you learned to not procrastinate your work.”

“You are such a thoughtful and cheerful person. Sometimes drugs seem to hide that part of you.”

Healthy role models are useful tools in helping your teen develop a new image of herself. When teens can identify someone they want to be like AND they believe that they can become like that person, it can be a very powerful motivator. It is especially powerful when that role model takes an interest in your teen and regularly encourages her and compliments her. As a parent, you can help facilitate that connection by inviting those potential role models to reach out to your teen.

If nothing else, you can help your teen believe that she can be like someone she admires. Simple statements can plant seeds of hope within your teen. For example, “Wendy’s a great person isn’t she? (Teen acknowledges.) You know, the two of you actually have some similar characteristics. I could see you being a lot like her when you’re that age.” Obviously, this comment needs to be genuine and you should be ready to share some specifics if your teen asks you to.

Offer confidence and support: Teens will often act like they don’t want to make a change because they are afraid they fail when they try. As a result, although a teen may be contemplating making a change, he may not look like it. Many of us are tempted to respond to our teen’s lack of effort by criticizing his choices or giving lectures. It can sometimes feel strange expressing confidence and offering support when your teen hasn’t even said he wants to change, but it can also be just what he needs from you.

Regardless of how your confidence and support influence your teen’s desire to change, it will without doubt help strengthen your relationship with your teen. This is crucial because the quality of your relationship will affect every effort you make to help.

Recognize progress

Few things undermine change more than not recognizing the changes which have occurred. If your child improves and then you question that improvement or tell him he “hasn’t changed at all,” you can expect to see the improvement disappear. In fact, you will likely see your child get worse in that area.

On the other hand, any acknowledgment of change will generally invite additional improvement. Consequently, take great effort to notice and comment on even small improvements. Use various methods to compliment a thoughtful comment, a card, an email, etc. Do not overdo it, though. If you are not genuine, your child will sense it and the potency of all of your compliments will decrease. In addition, be specific in pointing out positive changes you notice. This is more instructive and more believable.

When you share a compliment, let it stand on its own. Avoid the temptation to use it as a springboard to request further change. (e.g., “I’m really impressed with how fast you jumped on that task and got it done. Now if you would just do that more often….”)

In the first few days of being back home, Josh’s parents commented to him several times “We’re so proud of how well you are doing…we just hope it continues.” The family specialist noticed that each time Josh would perk up as he heard the first part of the comment, then the excitement would leave as he heard “we just hope it continues.” The parents were coached to notice the subtle way they were communicating doubt. Within an hour, both parents were able to send the different message, “We’re so proud of you; we know you’ll continue to do well.” Upon hearing his parents’ encouragement, Josh nodded his head in agreement, affirming that he would continue to succeed.

Ponder and identify one or a few small steps of progress your teen has made lately. Communicate to him that you have noticed, and compliment him for it.

Change does take time. Recognizing this can free you as parents from some frustration and disappointment, and can help you support your teen’s efforts. Specifically, when you understand which stage your teen is in, you can give appropriate support. And acknowledging small positive steps that do occur will strengthen both your teen’s efforts and your relationship with him.

Sources:

1) The Transtheoretical Model of Change, based on the work of J.O. Prochaska and others. See, for example, Prochaska, J.O.(1999). How do people change, and how can we change to help many more people? In M.A. Hubble, B.L, Duncan, & S.D. Miller (#es.),The heart and soul of change (pp. 227-232). Washington, D.C.:American Psychological Association.

Assignment

What experiences have you had with goals or resolutions that you didn’t achieve as quickly or well as you’d hoped?

Identify two or three ongoing concerns you have regarding your teen. See if you can determine which stage of change your teen is in for each topic you have listed.

• Although you have made an educated guess at which stage your teen is in for those topics you listed, we would encourage you to recognize that your best guess may be wrong. Consequently, we invite you to look for moments when you can talk with your teen about the topics you have listed. Instead of trying to change him, spend all of your effort simply trying to learn what stage of change he is in. Often, it’s as simple as asking.
• “Max, I don’t know if I’ve ever asked you this, but I was wondering, is there a point at which you think you will choose to give up cigarettes?”
• “Chris, we’ve talked a lot about you losing weight maybe even too much. I don’t know if we’ve ever just asked you what you want.”
• In addition to the ideas presented below, we encourage you to read and apply the principles taught in the Solution Talk module. Sometimes changing something as simple as the way we talk about a concern can make a big difference in whether changes occur or not.

Ponder and identify one or a few small steps of progress your teen has made lately. Communicate to him that you have noticed, and compliment him for i