Back in 2020 when the world went on pause, we saw a massive decrease in structure. Schedules were wiped clean of any obligations, games, practices, and extracurriculars in general, leaving wide open spaces on many calendars. For some, it was relaxing at first. It was a reason to step back and take inventory of what was important and what could take a backseat. However, as time went on, it became apparent that too much free time was detrimental for many people, whether socially, mentally, emotionally, or physically.

People with children in school see this phenomenon on a smaller scale as well during winter breaks, spring breaks, and summer breaks. Without structure, kids can get restless and unproductive, which often leads them to act out in ways they wouldn’t have otherwise. On the other hand, too much structure can be detrimental as well. When kids’ schedules are too rigid, there is no room for creativity, hobbies, or self-expression. Finding a balance of structure is one of the best things you can do as a parent.

Structured family time is a great way to grow closer as a family and learn more about one another. If you feel like you need more structure in your home and you’re not sure where to start, use these three tips to start structuring your family time and maximizing it to your advantage.

1. Schedule Family Time and Free Time

Whether you consider yourself a “go with the flow” type of person or a planner, keeping a loose schedule can help you structure your life as well as your kids’ lives. Kids thrive with schedules and structure, so this will benefit them as well. Schedule out your family time and free time so your kids know when it’s happening. This will help in more ways than one—first off, they won’t be surprised when you announce that you’re having a family night right after they make plans with their friends.

Second, if they know when family time is happening, they will be less likely to try getting out of it because they knew in advance that it was on their schedule. In general, they’ll be happier about the family time because they will be expecting it. There are exceptions to this, especially with teenagers, but your efforts will be worthwhile and leave a lasting positive impact.

In addition, scheduling free time will give your kids the opportunity to do the things they find interesting. They can use this time to be with friends, develop a talent, participate in a hobby, or do something creative. Or, if they’ve had a long couple of days, they can take this time to unwind. Having structured free time will give them a sense of freedom while encouraging productivity.

2. Plan Activities Everyone Enjoys

If you have multiple kids, chances are they don’t have all the same hobbies or interests. This is one reason many families shy away from structured family time. No one wants to do the same thing, everyone complains, and it becomes easier to let everyone be on their own. However, if you plan out your family time correctly, differing hobbies and interests can actually be a huge benefit.

Your family time doesn’t always have to surround an activity—it can simply be a meal together around the table, a family game night, or a movie night. If you do want to plan some activities, planning them around your kids’ interests is a fun way to bring everyone together and learn more about one another. If one child is into painting, have a family painting night. If your other child is into baseball, have a family baseball game the next week. Taking turns trying out each others’ hobbies is a fun way to bond and learn new things.

3. Start a Google Calendar

If you don’t have a family Google Calendar, now is the time to start one. Especially with the new year approaching. Each family member can have a designated color, and you can put everyone’s activities, meetings, commitments, and obligations in one place. That way, you can see when everyone is free and physically schedule in your family time and free time. Everyone can see it, it’s easy to use, and no one will question what’s happening and when.

If you have older children, create a Gmail account for them and allow them access to the full calendar as well. This will give them a sense of responsibility, and it will be helpful for them to see the full schedule with their busy lives. If you have small children who don’t know how to read yet, both parents having access to a Google Calendar is a great way to stay on the same page and stay organized.

If you like these tips and want to learn more about structuring your family time, you can listen to the Not By Chance podcast with Tim Thayne. This episode has many more tips on how to make the most out of your family time and become stronger than ever.

Family values serve as the foundation for creating a home environment built on love, growth, and integrity. Thoughtfully developed family values can help guide decisions, align priorities, and foster meaningful relationships. Here is a simple, 5-step process parents can follow to identify and implement impactful family values:

1. Initial Brainstorming

In the first step, parents have an open discussion between themselves about the values most important to their family. This is a time for parents to align on priorities and hopes for their children.

2. Family Brainstorming

Next, hold a family meeting and invite each member to suggest values they believe could guide your family. Seek to understand all perspectives and identify themes. Narrow suggestions down to 3-5 core values.

3. Parental Alignment and Definition

Parents then reconvene to review suggestions and agree on 3-5 final family values. Clearly define what each value means for your unique family.

4. Cascading Values

Present the final values and definitions during another family meeting. Explain how they will guide your family’s choices and behaviors.

5. Implementation

Prominently display your values. Consistently reference them when making decisions and setting expectations. Reinforce the values through praise and gentle correction. Periodically discuss as a family. Establishing family values through this collaborative process can help cultivate an environment of trust, growth, and purpose.

For more guidance, we’ve created a list of 152 family values ideas to help with your brainstorming and defining process.

We also offer coaching and education services to help parents through the process. Sign up for Coaching.

Eating disorders are some of the deadliest mental illnesses, and many teens struggle daily with this issue. However, they often go unnoticed and undetected because of the silence and secrecy surrounding them. Eating disorders can be associated with a lot of shame, and those affected are typically very good at hiding it—even from those closest to them.

Because of this, it’s important to be able to recognize the early signs of eating disorders and know how to help your teen when you suspect that something is wrong. One of the hallmarks of an eating disorder is shame. When a person gets into an eating disorder, they start to have unhealthy thoughts and believe that they’re bad, unwanted, fat, ugly, worthless, and all-around terrible. This couldn’t be further from the truth, but the first thing that will help you help your loved one is to understand how they are feeling.

What to Watch For

Hypersensitivity and Perfectionistic Tendencies

When your teen is struggling with an eating disorder, you may notice that they’re more sensitive to comments or criticism, and they tend to develop perfectionistic tendencies. It might feel like you’re walking on eggshells around them—you could say the same thing on two different days and get two completely different reactions. It can feel a little like an emotional rollercoaster, so if you notice that your teen is acting this way, you’ll want to dig a little deeper and see what the issue is.

Heightened Awareness of Food or Obsession Over Food

Another early sign of an eating disorder is a new obsession over food. You might notice that your teen is more concerned with reading labels, counting calories, becoming pickier, trying out new diets, or suddenly placing dietary restrictions on themselves by going vegan or vegetarian. These aren’t always bad things, but you’ll want to watch for them if you suspect that your teen is developing an eating disorder.

Withdrawing From Family, Friends, or Hobbies

As mentioned earlier, eating disorders thrive in secrecy and solitude. Teens who develop eating disorders will often withdraw from friends and family as well as activities that they would typically enjoy. Heightened anxiety around food and social events is a huge reason teens with eating disorders tend to isolate themselves. It is easier for them to have control over their food habits when they are alone.

How to Help

Find the Deeper Issue

Eating disorders typically don’t happen overnight. There are multiple reasons teens develop this type of mental illness, and it’s important as a parent that you dig deep and really try to understand your child. Instead of trying to fix the problem right off the bat, understand that they are in a vulnerable state. They’re worried about what people think of them, they’re afraid of being judged, and they feel broken. Letting them know that you’re there to understand and help will go a long way.

Don’t Focus on Body Talk

Saying things about their body (positive or negative) can be harmful when your teen is dealing with an eating disorder. Avoid talking negatively because they’ll think that their body is a problem that needs to be fixed. On the other hand, saying things like “you look so healthy” can make them think they look fat, or “you look great” can make them think that they should continue with their eating habits. Body talk is usually very triggering for someone with an eating disorder, so focus on complimenting all of the other wonderful things about your teen.

See Them As More Than Their Eating Disorder and Encourage Them to Get Help

The most important thing you can do is realize that your teen is not their eating disorder, and they can overcome it. When you really understand where they’re coming from, they will feel comfortable talking to you about it and you can help them get help through therapy and treatment.

To learn more, listen to our Not by Chance Podcast episode “Eating Disorders and Early Intervention,” where we sat down with eating disorder expert Mike Gurr and discussed the topic in-depth. You can find us on Apple Podcast or Spotify.

Gardening is a wonderful activity that not only provides fresh produce but also benefits our overall well-being. Studies have shown that caring for plants and soil can increase confidence, gratitude, responsibility, and compassion. At Grow Life, founder Karl Ebeling has witnessed firsthand the positive impact of gardening on foster children. In this blog post, we’ll explore how gardening can help individuals and families improve their mental health and create stronger connections.

Here are five therapeutic benefits of gardening:

1. It Can Reduce Anxious Thoughts and Feelings

Gardening is a great way to relax your mind and help reduce stress and anxiety. According to Healthline, “Studies have found gardening and horticultural therapy can reduce symptoms of anxiety and depression, improve attention, interrupt harmful ruminations…lower cortisol [stress hormone], [and] increase overall life satisfaction.”

Caring for a garden provides a sense of responsibility, an opportunity to work with your hands, and something to look forward to every day that will provide something great down the road. It is also a grounding experience that connects you with the earth—which is a classic technique for calming anxiety. When combined with therapy or other doctor-recommended necessary treatments, gardening can be a game-changer for people who suffer from anxiety or depression.

2. It Promotes Connection to the Earth

Connecting with the earth is crucial for anyone, and gardening is one of the best ways to get that connection. When you’re gardening, you’re often on your hands and knees touching the dirt and plants. You connect with the earth on a literal level, and it can be a very healing and grounding experience.

3. It Fosters Connection and Healthy Relationships

Gardening in a group setting is even better than gardening alone. If you have a family, spouse, or group of friends, getting together to plant and care for a garden will strengthen your relationships and foster meaningful connections.

Karl recalls bringing his son to help a family member get their yard ready for a wedding reception. Because of his software development career, Karl’s son worked on a computer every day and struggled with anxious feelings. There were many family members at the house helping with the yard work, and at the end of the day, he expressed that he felt uplifted.

Karl also shared a story about growing up in Pennsylvania, where he and a group of friends grew and sold produce. He says, “I will never forget the feeling that I had. We had comradery. We were a team. And I really believe we’re lacking that in our society today.”

4. It Instills a Love of Nature

We live on a beautiful planet, but sometimes we fail to appreciate or recognize it. With all of the distractions we face, we can go days without taking a moment to watch a beautiful sunset or take a deep breath of fresh air.

When you are outside working in the garden and planting new life, you gain a new appreciation for the earth and what it provides. Staying connected to nature is also one of the best ways to stay grounded, which can help with various problems or difficulties.

5. It Helps People Slow Down and Reduce Screen Time

Life is fast-paced. Kids and teenagers have demanding schedules between dance, sports, AP classes, homework, lessons, and other extracurricular activities, and parents are responsible for getting everyone where they need to go. We go in ten different directions at all times, and it can be overwhelming. And when we do have a few seconds of free time, most of our attention is directed to our phones—whether it’s social media, answering emails, or watching funny videos.

When you are working in the garden, everyday distractions take a back seat—giving you the chance to slow down. Take a break from the real and online world. It is good for the soul, and connecting with the earth is always a good idea.

Whether you have a big backyard or a tiny apartment, you can still benefit from a garden. You can find community gardens, hang planters in your house, put some small pots on your back porch, or build planter boxes in your yard. The opportunities really are endless, and even when you start small, you will see benefits.

If you want to learn more, listen to the episode “The Therapeutic Effects of Gardening” on the Not by Chance Podcast on Apple Podcasts or Spotify.

In today’s busy world, it’s hard to picture sitting down together as a family and having dinner every night. There are sports games to attend, practices to get to and homework to do. In the midst of it all, the most important things can easily take a back seat.

I sat down and discussed family meal time with Christine Van Wagenen who has studied its importance for years. Christine agrees that preparing meals and aligning schedules can quickly become overwhelming. While it might be tempting to fall into the habit of everyone eating when their schedules permit, she says that sitting down and eating a meal together as a family will be far more beneficial in the long run.

Here are four reasons why meal time matters, and three ways you can make it work for your family.

Why Meal Time Matters

The Ministry of Hospitality

Of course, there are more ways to serve than by simply cooking a meal, but Christine says it’s one of the best ways to provide hospitality and show that you care about the individuals you’re serving. Your attitude toward cooking will affect how often your family gathers together and how you serve one another.

Whether it’s for your family or a neighbor in need, cooking dinner for someone promotes love, service, and connection. This can also set an example for your children as they grow up and have opportunities to provide service to the people around them.

Connection

When families sit around the table together without distractions, it creates a safe space for everyone to be themselves. For example, maybe one of your kids is having a difficult time in school and they haven’t had the opportunity or desire to talk about it. This time together can help them feel comfortable to open up, and everyone can contribute love, support, and help, making the family bond stronger than before.

Having a set time to be together every day helps family members move past superficial relationships with one another. Christine emphasized that we need to be careful what tone we set for this time together. She said “Meal time is not a time that you are going to discipline, it is not a time to motivate someone to do something, [Family members] want to eat, they want to feel comfort and pleasure. Save those [other] things for a separate time.” She recommends setting aside meal time as a place for lighthearted conversations and laughs as well as deep discussions and sharing hardships.

The Research Backs it Up

Christine has studied the importance of family dinner for years and she has found that there is research to back it up. According to a study conducted by Columbia University, “Teenagers who eat with their families at least five times a week are more likely to get better grades in school and much less likely to have substance abuse problems.”

More specifically, the study found that these teenagers were “42% less likely to drink alcohol, 59% less likely to smoke cigarettes, and 66% less likely to try marijuana. … The survey also found that frequent family dinners were associated with better school performance, with teens 40% more likely to get As and Bs.” These significant statistics show that family dinners can have an impact inside and outside of the home.

There’s a Domino Effect

There’s always a learning curve when you start something new, but making positive changes often comes with a positive domino effect. It all starts with good food. Christine recommends finding something that everyone likes to eat. You’ll probably have a hard time getting everyone together at first, and you might even get some complaints. However, if you start with good food, the rest will follow.

Tips for Making Meal Time Work

Get the Kids Involved

If you can get your kids on board with the idea of family dinner, making the habit will be so much easier. Let them help choose meals, prep meals, or even set the table. If you have teenagers, teach them how to cook so they can develop that life skill and carry it with them into adulthood. When the kids contribute and feel included, they’ll be more likely to get excited about it.

Set a Schedule

Aligning busy schedules can seem impossible, but the benefits of eating together will outweigh the difficulties. Set a schedule and let everyone know what time you’ll be eating so they can be there. Whether you post it on the fridge or send it in the group text, planning and sticking to the schedule will help you make those family dinners happen.

Find What Works For You

If the pressure of having family dinner seems like too much, you can modify and do what works best for you and your family. “Family dinner” doesn’t even have to be dinner—it can be breakfast or lunch too. As long as you’re sitting down all together to have a meal without distractions, you’ll get the same benefits.

If you’re just starting and feeling overwhelmed, plan one or two days per week at first. As it becomes more natural and you start building the habit, add one or two more days. You want to build a habit that lasts, so easing into it might be the best way to go for your family.

No matter how you incorporate family dinners into your weekly routine, everyone in your family will reap the amazing benefits. To hear more about our discussion about family dinner, listen to our episode of Not By Chance.

When you think of the word minimalism, what comes to mind? Maybe you think of Marie Kondo’s hit Netflix show. Maybe you think of a millennial who doesn’t have time, space, or money for a lot of material items. Or maybe you think of a plain home lacking character. There are a lot of misconceptions when it comes to minimalism, but the reality is that it can be great for your family, your personal life, and your budget.

One of our transition coaches, Sonya Rodriquez Ph.D., has implemented minimalism into her life and has seen a drastic change in her family and home for the better. Dr. Thayne sat down with Sonya and discussed the benefits of this lifestyle and possible strategies for jump-starting and maintaining this change.

Materialism requires more and more while minimalism reinforces the message that less is more. Sonya describes minimalism as clearing clutter in every way—email inboxes, kitchen cabinets, closets, clothes, home decor—she points out that clutter requires maintenance, so it’s better to reduce that clutter to make more time for what really matters. If you’re spending all of your time managing the clutter in your life, you don’t have time left for your valued relationships.

Years ago, Sonya saw photos from a photographer who asked individuals from different cultures to bring all of their possessions out into the front yard. He photographed the items then published them. Sonya’s eyes were opened to how little other cultures lived with, and she realized that the American photos had exponentially more items than any other photos. With four kids, many toys, and an abundance of things, Sonya decided to simplify her family’s life by adopting a minimalist lifestyle.

One out of 10 American households have a storage unit, while one in four Americans with a two-car garage can’t even park one car inside because of the clutter. If you are in this situation and want to change, Sonya offers five tips that can help you or your teen simplify life and cut back on clutter.

1. When You Bring Something In, Take Something Out

The first rule of minimalism is to evaluate what you are buying and bringing into your home. A good rule of thumb is: when you bring something in, get rid of something else. You can donate it to someone in need or to your local Goodwill store so you know it will be appreciated. This is a great way to keep your clutter to a minimum and give to those in need.

2. Try Wearing 33 Items in 3 Months

At the beginning of Sonya’s minimalism journey, she took a long trip with her husband where she only wore 33 items in the entire three months (excluding workout clothes and pajamas). This helped her realize how little she truly needed and jump-started her journey to simplifying her life. If you’re looking for a good place to start, try doing something like this. You will be surprised by how much you can do with a few great pieces of clothing.

3. Get Out of the “Just in Case” Mindset

We all fall into the scarcity mindset from time to time—it’s inevitable, especially during times of uncertainty and difficulty. However, it’s important to get out of that mindset and not to keep things “just in case.” If you haven’t used something in the past year, you most likely won’t need it in the near future. Sonya recommends the 20/20 rule to help you decide when to let things go: if you can get it for $20 or travel 20 miles or less to get it, it’s best to donate that item or get rid of it.

4. Gift Experiences Rather Than Items

Over the past decade or so, people (especially younger generations) have started to see the value of experiences rather than things. If you want to give someone a thoughtful gift, Sonya suggests “gifting” them an experience. You could give flight vouchers, Airbnb gift cards, a National Parks pass, or even tickets to see the latest movie. There are endless possibilities that come with gifting experiences, and people will most likely remember and appreciate it more than another material item.

5. Use Others’ Things

Borrowing or renting items from others is a great way to build community, help people out, and experience everything you want without having to clutter your home with more material items. Sonya did this by renting an RV to go on a camping trip with her family—they were able to rent the RV, have a great trip, use the items inside the RV, and give it back when they were done. This helped the hosting family out by providing some extra money for the rental, and Sonya’s family got to experience the camping trip without purchasing an RV and everything inside. You can also return the favor by letting others borrow things only you have. It helps you, helps them, and creates more connections in your community.

If you would like to learn more from Sonya Rodriguez and Tim Thayne about how a minimalist lifestyle can help your family, check out this episode:

Raising teenagers can be challenging, especially when they are dealing with mental health issues, substance abuse, or behavioral problems. During these difficult times, having a supportive community can make a world of difference. As the saying goes, “It takes a village to raise a child,” and this is especially true when your child becomes a teenager.

The secret weapon to building a strong support system is to create an engaged home team that includes people from different aspects of your life. Here are three important tips for building a supportive home team for raising teenagers:

1. Find At Least One Team Member

The first thing you’ll want to do to build your home team community is to get at least one team member. Moving from zero to one team member can make a greater difference than growing from two to fifteen. It may seem daunting to find even one person you trust enough to confide in, but it’s so important to have someone in your corner. Once you have that one person, it becomes easier to find more.

When you’re looking for your first team member, look for someone who knows and cares about your child. It’s important for them to be invested in your child’s well-being, and you should be able to trust them completely. Having even one extra person in your corner can make a world of difference!

2. Be Vulnerable

It is important to be vulnerable with people you can trust. You don’t have to open up to just anyone though—it’s a difficult process and opening up to the wrong person could cause more harm than good in the long run.

Being vulnerable can be scary, but it will help you build stronger relationships with the people on your home team. They’ll be able to understand you and your child better, and they’ll be more willing and able to offer helpful advice when you need it. It can be difficult to open up about what’s going on in your life or in your child’s life, but it’s worth it to build those trusting relationships. When we’re vulnerable with others, they are more likely to be vulnerable with us, which ultimately cultivates a stronger sense of community.

3. Look for Opportunities to Serve

One of the best ways to build a supportive home team community is by looking for opportunities to serve on another’s home team. There are a few reasons for this. First, serving on someone else’s home team can help you understand people better on your own home team. You can know exactly where they’re coming from, how they might be feeling, and how you can better support them. Second, serving others always elevates your life. The time you spend serving others is time well spent, and you never know how you could impact someone’s life for the better.

People are wired to love. Without giving back and providing service to somebody else, our life is not very meaningful. So look for ways that you can help out on someone else’s home team. It will lighten your load, lighten their load, and elevate everyone involved.

A supportive home team

Everyone (including your child) deserves to have a strong support system that has their back no matter what. When your teenagers feel loved and supported even through their most difficult trials, they are more likely to become successful, productive members of society as adults.

Building a home team from scratch can seem intimidating at first. That’s totally normal—it’s a vulnerable position to be in, and you don’t want to feel like you’re putting anyone out by asking them to be a part of your tight-knit community. However, reaching out to others is the first and most important step you’ll take in the process. Just remember that you’re not alone in this, and there are people who want to help you. Trust us, we’ve been there too.

If you want to learn more about this topic, check out the Not by Chance Podcast on the Apple Podcast app, Spotify, or anywhere you listen to your favorite podcasts.

Be the first to know when the app is released! Sign up to have early access to Trustyy, our upcoming app that will help you keep track of expectations, chores, tasks, goals, and rewards to support your teenager and build trust.