An important part of learning to manage your emotions is to maintain a clear sense of self. A sense of self could be defined as an awareness and confidence in your values, beliefs, and practices. We focus here on having a clear sense of self as a parent.
When you are confident about your parenting, you are able to make good decisions and stand by them, even when a teen is pressuring you to agree to something that’s against your better judgment.
The story of Elise and her daughter Amber (mentioned in the article “Managing Your Own Emotions”) illustrates a common pattern in families. Amber pushed to get what she wanted and criticized her mom. Elise’s confidence in her parenting began to slip. Because of this, she changed her mind and gave in to her daughter’s pressure. By so doing, Elise allowed her doubts about herself as a parent to guide her behavior. In fact, her doubts were powerful enough to override a decision she and her husband had made previously, a decision that was based on solid parenting principles.
Take a few minutes to think of any instances where you might have backed down or changed your opinion against your better judgment because your teen pressured you to do so. What thoughts and emotions led you to change your mind?
How can you increase your confidence by strengthening your sense of self? Below we will show four ways.
1. Recognize that you are defined by your actions, not your children’s.
“After more than a year of dealing with our son’s issues with drugs, I felt like such a failure as a mother. One day, I was attending a required class for parents whose teens were in legal trouble due to drugs. As I took my seat and looked around the room, I found myself growing more and more uncomfortable. The embarrassment remained with me through the entire session as I wondered what others thought of me.
Then something happened that changed me. As I was walking out of the class, I had the following thought, “If I make this about me, I’ll never be able to help him (my son).” From that moment on, I started to see things differently. Instead of focusing on my feelings of being a failure as a mother, I began to have a sincere desire to support and love him. The less I thought about myself, the more my feelings of being a failure slipped away. This change of perception allowed me to see my son differently. I no longer blamed him for my feelings of failure. Not only did I see him differently, but I treated him differently because I didn’t need to change him in order to feel good about myself.
I became more patient, more understanding, and more loving toward him. Our relationship changed and as a result, he began to change as well. It is now one year later and he is free of drugs, for which I am extremely grateful. But I am equally grateful for my own discovery which freed me from my own bondage.”
As you move forward, choosing to follow solid parenting principles, you can trust that you are doing your best to invite your children to make good choices. Someone once said, “The outcome of parenting isn’t children, it’s parents.” In other words, your actions as a parent determine only one thing, the type of parent you are. What your children become is ultimately a function of their own choices and is only influenced (not determined) by your parenting. Sometimes, despite your best efforts, your children will choose to act in ways that are contrary to what you have taught them. Though frustrating, this is a part of normal adolescent development.
Unfortunately, in their efforts to sidestep this reality, some parents go beyond teaching, setting expectations and holding their children accountable. They use pressure to try to control their teen’s decisions, an approach that may have some initial success but almost always backfires in the end. This style of parenting is often driven by the following belief: “If my teen makes mistakes or poor choices it makes me a bad parent.” To such parents we extend the following invitation: Remove the ‘happiness thermometer’ out of your teen and put it in yourself.
As one parent cleverly put it, “I don’t get credit for their good choices, I’m sure as heck not going to take credit for their bad ones!”
We acknowledge that parents of a struggling teen often feel looked down upon by some in their extended families and social circles. They worry about gossip and loss of esteem in the eyes of others. These hurts can be real. One way to help heal them is to increasingly learn to derive our self-esteem and sense of worth from how congruent our actions are with our own values and beliefs, not from what others think of us. This is easier said than done, but it can be one of our ongoing goals through adulthood.
“Happiness does not depend on what happens outside of you, but on what happens inside of you. It is measured by the spirit with which you meet the problems of life.” – Harold B. Lee
One parent of a difficult teen said the most helpful thing she learned was to focus on herself. As she did things to make herself a better person/parent, she felt she was able to let go and allow her son to make choices for himself. Even when her son was making poor decisions she realized that they were his decisions and he had to be accountable to himself and not blame his mother. She commented that learning how to do that brought her a deep sense of relief.
2. Recognize that it’s not necessary for your children to be happy with you all the time.
When it comes to decision-making, there tends to be two types of people. The first group tends to make decisions primarily based on what seems logical, trying to look at things from an objective perspective. The second group focuses more on what they feel is important to them and others involved; they will often try to understand how the other person would feel about the decision and how it would impact them.
Both groups have their strengths and challenges. Those that tend to place value in how their decisions will affect others can easily become overly concerned with what others think and feel about them. For parents, this can create emotional stress.
In the story of Elise and her daughter mentioned above, Elise and her husband had made a decision they felt good about. However, when her daughter began to complain about the decision, Elise began to feel conflicted and question the decision they had made. As pressure from her daughter increased, she likely began to experience some of the following thoughts: “If my daughter is so upset, maybe we didn’t make the right decision.” “What kind of mom am I if my daughter hates me?” “I just want her to be happy with me.” As you can see, these thoughts undermined Elise’s confidence and eventually led her to retract the joint decision that she and Amber’s father had made.
Will Elise’s decision to give in to her daughter increase or decrease the odds that her daughter will be happy with her in the future?
How will Elise’s decision affect her relationship with her husband?
What other thoughts could Elise have had that would have made it easier for her not to give in to her daughter?
There is not a good parent on this planet who has not experienced a child who is unhappy with them. Ironically, the first time your toddler says, “I hate you,” it’s most likely because you have simply told them they can’t do something they want to do. In that moment, it would be good if every parent would say in their head, “That means I must be doing something right.”
Although an unhappy toddler is not pleasant, an unhappy teenager can be even more unpleasant. And though a toddler may say, “I hate you,” one moment and then ten minutes later be giving you hugs, a teenager tends to hold onto their emotions for longer. So if you are in the unfortunate circumstances of having a teenager who did not learn as a toddler to accept “no” for an answer or to handle their frustrations, you will need to help them learn this lesson now. The good news is that it’s still a lesson they can learn; the bad news is that it comes at a higher price.
3. Realize that mistakes don’t make you a bad parent.
Some parents can easily find themselves feeling guilty for something that they may have done wrong or failed to do in the past. Teens who have guilt-prone parents tend to see this tendency and try to use it to their advantage in an unhealthy way.
One teen and her mother had developed this pattern in their relationship. There were many factors that led to this dynamic, including the teen having experienced some abuse early in her life. Her mother felt guilty for not protecting her, and as her daughter grew her mother often attempted to help her by rescuing her from any challenges she might have to face and by purchasing elaborate gifts when her daughter seemed to be down. She generally tried to make up for her daughter’s past by becoming lenient and overindulgent.
By the time the teen was in high school she exhibited behaviors that were dangerous, and began to actively demand things of her mother (a car, no curfew, etc.) putting her demands in the context that if she didn’t have everything she wanted, her mother would be guilty of not making life good for her. She said things like “None of my friends have curfews. If you make me come home by midnight it will ruin my social life.” Or, after a difficult event at school, or the right boy not asking the teen out, the teen would turn to her mother with statements like, “If you’d bought me the right outfit, he would have asked me to go with him!” or, “If you’d just bought me a car, I wouldn’t have to ever be late to school.” For the most part, this tactic worked for the teen and built a culture between them of expensive things being purchased to “make up” for what the girl felt were injustices.
The parents made the difficult decision to send their daughter to treatment. While at treatment, this interpersonal dynamic continued. The mother, missing her daughter and feeling guilty for having had to send her to treatment, would send elaborate packages.
When the teen completed her program and returned home, her parents were pleased to have her back, pleased with the changes she’d made. Yet, since there is almost a gravitational pull to fall into old coping mechanisms, very quickly their teen began once again to try to use her guilt-prone mother to her advantage. She began by telling her mother how much she’d missed her while in treatment, and began to bemoan all she’d missed because her mother had “sent her away.” She began to demand things again and blame her mother for difficulties in her life. It was a struggle for her mother. Initially she wanted to fall into the old pattern of wanting to rescue her daughter from challenges, and try to make up for all the things she’d supposedly deprived her daughter of by sending her to treatment. The teen saw this, and used it well, being direct enough to say the phrase, “You owe me for having sent me away.”
With the help of their coach, the mother began to overcome this deeply ingrained pattern. Awareness of this dynamic was the first step. The second was learning to recognize that her daughter needed to confront these challenges on her own to learn and grow. It was difficult and surprising for the daughter when her parents began to hold her accountable, began to build a different relationship with her that was based on their love and caring and hopes for her future instead of rescuing her and buying her “things.” There was a process for the mother of letting go of guilt, acknowledging the mistakes she might have made, apologizing when necessary (including an apology to her daughter for having indulged her so much), and then moving forward with direction and purpose.
Most parents experience some feelings of guilt as they realize mistakes they have made. When guilt inspires us to do better, it can be healthy. When it leaves us feeling undeserving of respect, it can significantly interfere with our ability to parent.
One mother realized that she had spent most of her time and energy on her youngest son, not giving much attention to her oldest son who seemed to be doing well. To her dismay, she found some marijuana with a pipe in her older son’s truck. The more she thought about it, the more guilty she felt believing that it was her lack of attention towards him that led to the drug use. As she talked to her coach, she was able to work through the guilt she was feeling. As a result, she felt better prepared to talk with her oldest son in a confident manner. Had she not managed her emotions first, she may have sent messages allowing him to think she was responsible for the drug use.
Remember, don’t let a past parenting mistake leave you feeling like you can’t change how you do things today. For example, if you over-indulged your oldest child with money and gifts, don’t feel you have to make the same mistake with your second child just to keep things even. Although your second child won’t see it this way at first, he will be the one getting more. In short, your children will not be well served if you abandon good parenting principles because you feel guilty.
Knowing that you have made a mistake as a parent can also create fear that your actions have set in motion significant problems, for example fear that your teen won’t graduate and go to college, fear that he will do something reckless and get hurt, or fear that he will never learn to be responsible. This fear can lead you to go to the other extreme to become too permissive if you have previously been controlling, too rigid if you have been overly flexible in the past, etc. Think how dangerous it is to overcorrect in order to rectify your course while driving a car. Similarly, this type of overcorrecting in parenting is usually reactive and can be even more problematic than the first mistake. The best way to correct a mistake is to learn a better way and then apply it with consistency. Over time, this will create the best chance that your teen will respond favorably to your changes in parenting.
Yes, all parents make mistakes and these mistakes do influence our children. But, as with most endeavors, true failure as a parent is only possible if you give up. Each moment presents new opportunities for doing things differently. If you have identified past mistakes, begin today to do things differently. Choosing to forgive yourself for past mistakes is essential to being able to look forward. Those who grow up on the farm quickly learn that it is impossible to plow a straight line if you are always looking back.
4. Learn and apply solid parenting principles.
Confidence comes from living by tried and true parenting principles that have been shown to contribute to positive outcomes in children. When parents don’t have a clear sense of values and beliefs to guide them, their teens are more easily able to pressure them into decisions that aren’t really wise. As a result, teens gain more power in the family than what is good for them to have.
The Parenting Principles offered in this library are a great way to begin building confidence as a parent. Remember that as you work to apply these principles, you will inevitably make mistakes. When this happens, correct your mistakes and move forward. In addition, your teen will likely push back in hopes that you will give up. In such moments, put your trust in the principles, move forward, and give them time to work.
One family had developed a pattern where the parents would give in to their son when he complained after not getting his way. For example, the family had planned a trip to the beach but the teen wanted to go snow skiing instead. After the teen sulked and threw a fit, the parents gave in to their son’s demands and went skiing. As they learned the parenting principles they came to a better understanding of the importance of clear expectations and rules, parental unity, and the power that they had as agents of change in their son’s life. Initially, the son’s behavior worsened as they learned to hold to their boundaries, but with time things improved. They developed a better sense of what type of parents they wanted to be and as a result were able to parent with confidence.
Ask Yourself:
In the past, what criteria have you used to evaluate yourself as a parent? What criteria would you like to use in the future?
Are there mistakes in your past you could let go of?
What parenting principles can you grab hold of in your efforts to move forward instead of looking back?
Sources: 1) The information on decision-making and personalities comes from the authors of the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator. For more information, visitwww.myersbriggs.org.
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Back in 2020 when the world went on pause, we saw a massive decrease in structure. Schedules were wiped clean of any obligations, games, practices, and extracurriculars in general, leaving wide open spaces on many calendars. For some, it was relaxing at first. It was a reason to step back and take inventory of what was important and what could take a backseat. However, as time went on, it became apparent that too much free time was detrimental for many people, whether socially, mentally, emotionally, or physically.
People with children in school see this phenomenon on a smaller scale as well during winter breaks, spring breaks, and summer breaks. Without structure, kids can get restless and unproductive, which often leads them to act out in ways they wouldn’t have otherwise. On the other hand, too much structure can be detrimental as well. When kids’ schedules are too rigid, there is no room for creativity, hobbies, or self-expression. Finding a balance of structure is one of the best things you can do as a parent.
Structured family time is a great way to grow closer as a family and learn more about one another. If you feel like you need more structure in your home and you’re not sure where to start, use these three tips to start structuring your family time and maximizing it to your advantage.
1. Schedule Family Time and Free Time
Whether you consider yourself a “go with the flow” type of person or a planner, keeping a loose schedule can help you structure your life as well as your kids’ lives. Kids thrive with schedules and structure, so this will benefit them as well. Schedule out your family time and free time so your kids know when it’s happening. This will help in more ways than one—first off, they won’t be surprised when you announce that you’re having a family night right after they make plans with their friends.
Second, if they know when family time is happening, they will be less likely to try getting out of it because they knew in advance that it was on their schedule. In general, they’ll be happier about the family time because they will be expecting it. There are exceptions to this, especially with teenagers, but your efforts will be worthwhile and leave a lasting positive impact.
In addition, scheduling free time will give your kids the opportunity to do the things they find interesting. They can use this time to be with friends, develop a talent, participate in a hobby, or do something creative. Or, if they’ve had a long couple of days, they can take this time to unwind. Having structured free time will give them a sense of freedom while encouraging productivity.
2. Plan Activities Everyone Enjoys
If you have multiple kids, chances are they don’t have all the same hobbies or interests. This is one reason many families shy away from structured family time. No one wants to do the same thing, everyone complains, and it becomes easier to let everyone be on their own. However, if you plan out your family time correctly, differing hobbies and interests can actually be a huge benefit.
Your family time doesn’t always have to surround an activity—it can simply be a meal together around the table, a family game night, or a movie night. If you do want to plan some activities, planning them around your kids’ interests is a fun way to bring everyone together and learn more about one another. If one child is into painting, have a family painting night. If your other child is into baseball, have a family baseball game the next week. Taking turns trying out each others’ hobbies is a fun way to bond and learn new things.
3. Start a Google Calendar
If you don’t have a family Google Calendar, now is the time to start one. Especially with the new year approaching. Each family member can have a designated color, and you can put everyone’s activities, meetings, commitments, and obligations in one place. That way, you can see when everyone is free and physically schedule in your family time and free time. Everyone can see it, it’s easy to use, and no one will question what’s happening and when.
If you have older children, create a Gmail account for them and allow them access to the full calendar as well. This will give them a sense of responsibility, and it will be helpful for them to see the full schedule with their busy lives. If you have small children who don’t know how to read yet, both parents having access to a Google Calendar is a great way to stay on the same page and stay organized.
If you like these tips and want to learn more about structuring your family time, you can listen to the Not By Chance podcast with Tim Thayne. This episode has many more tips on how to make the most out of your family time and become stronger than ever.
Dr Tim Thayne interviews Dr. Timothy Smith, a psychologist and professor of counseling psychology at Brigham Young University. As social beings, we are wired for connectivity. Dr. Smith and Dr. Thayne discuss research-based solutions for parents to deepen connections and change unhealthy patterns inside the family. Learn universal principles that can help you achieve a balance between connection and leadership with your teen.
In this blog post, we delve into an inspiring podcast episode featuring Dr. Tim Thayne and Education specialist , as we explore invaluable insights on how parents can cultivate a profound passion for lifelong learning in their children.
Komorowski has been an education professional for 16 years and specializes in helping parents build their kids’ confidence when it comes to school, which ultimately sets them up for success into adulthood. Kelsey has spent her career as a traditional tutor, a residential tutor for ultra high net-worth families, a student success analyst with the government, and now an advocate for students who struggle in the classroom and need help. She and her team made it a priority to find out the root cause of why students stress and struggle so much, and they have found that if a student doesn’t have the skills to manage and engage in their work, they won’t learn how to achieve their highest potential.
While schooling is only a short part of an individual’s life, learning lasts forever—and experiencing the joy of learning is an important part of life. Aside from that, finding success in academics can encourage students to develop better habits into adulthood. As parents, it’s our responsibility to help our kids develop these five skills to encourage learning in the home environment.
Here are the skills kids need to have and tips on helping develop them:
Critical Thinking
As a parent, you can help your child develop critical thinking skills by encouraging them to ask questions and think about the answers. When reading stories together, stop and ask your child questions about what is happening and why the characters are doing what they are doing. For older children, encourage them to read books that will make them think about different points of view and how to see both sides of an issue. You can also help your child develop critical thinking skills by teaching them how to research and find reliable sources of information.
It’s also important to discuss topics with your children that encourage critical thinking skills. Having stimulating, important discussions with your kids can not only instill the importance of critical thinking, but it can lead to valuable family time you will cherish forever.
You can also encourage your child to come up with solutions to problems they encounter in their daily lives. As they get older, you can challenge them to explain the reasoning behind their opinions and decisions. Helping your child to develop strong critical thinking skills will benefit them throughout their academic career and beyond.
Communication
Parents can help their children develop communication skills by modeling clear and effective communication themselves. When talking with your child, be sure to use words that they will understand and be patient if they need clarification. As your child grows, continue to encourage open communication by asking them about their day, their thoughts on current events, or anything else that is on their mind. In addition, teach your child active listening skills by modeling proper eye contact and body language and repeating back what the other person has said.
It is also important to provide opportunities for your child to practice their communication skills. This can be done through joining a sports team, playing music together, or taking part in drama or other performing arts activities. Helping your child to develop strong communication skills will help them flourish in school as well as adulthood.
Time Management
Parents can help their children develop time management skills by teaching them to make and stick to a schedule. Start with simple things like making a daily list of tasks to be completed and then help your child break down those tasks into smaller, more manageable steps. As your child gets older, you can teach them how to prioritize their tasks and how to use time-saving strategies such as batch cooking or setting a daily routine.
It is also important to provide opportunities for your child to practice time management skills. This can be done by setting a regular bedtime and wake-up time, having them help with meal planning and preparation, or involving them in after-school activities such as clubs or sports. Helping your child develop strong time management skills will help them in their life as well as in school. If your child has struggled or does struggle to keep up with homework or complete tasks, this is an especially important skill that could change their lives.
Executive Functioning
According to an article published by Harvard University, “Executive function and self-regulation skills are the mental processes that enable us to plan, focus attention, remember instructions, and juggle multiple tasks successfully.” Children are bombarded with information and tasks every day, especially at school. As a parent, you can help your kids with their executive functioning by encouraging them to keep a planner, help them organize their thoughts, and practice self-control and discipline.
You can also provide opportunities for your child to practice their executive functioning skills. This can be done by having them help with household chores, such as making their bed or setting the table. As they get older, you can involve them in other activities that require organization and planning. Helping your child develop strong executive functioning skills will benefit them greatly in school as well as in their future career.
Metacognition
Metacognition is the awareness and understanding of one’s own thought processes. It is the ability to think about thinking. Parents can help their children develop metacognitive skills by teaching them how to be aware of their own thoughts and emotions and how they can impact their behavior.
You can also provide opportunities for your child to practice metacognition. This can be done through activities such as journaling, discussing current events, or reading together. This not only helps them regulate their thoughts, but it promotes a level of emotional maturity when they are able to work through their thoughts and feelings.
The bottom line is that it’s important for parents to instill confidence in their children from a young age. When a child is confident in themselves, they will ultimately be able to find greater success in school as well as in life.
How often do you walk away from a challenging conversation with your teen feeling like your relationship is better than it was before the conversation started? If you are anything like most parents, it’s more likely that you walk away from those conversations feeling drained. If this sounds familiar Solution Talk will provide a breath of fresh air to your parenting.
So, what is Solution Talk?
Solution Talk is a communication framework that emphasizes solution-focused conversations, where the focus is shifted from dwelling on problems to actively seeking and implementing solutions. It is a departure from traditional problem-focused discussions that often lead to blame, criticism, and defensiveness. Instead, Solution Talk encourages a forward-moving approach, empowering both parents and teenagers to work together in finding mutually beneficial solutions.
“The power of Solution Talk lies in the understanding that what you focus on determines your outcomes. By placing your attention on solutions, you open doors to new possibilities and opportunities.”
– Dr. Tim Thayne
The benefits of Solution Talk for parents and teens are far-reaching. For parents, Solution Talk provides a means to effectively engage with their teenagers, gain deeper insights into their thoughts and perspectives, and strengthen the parent-child bond. By employing Solution Talk principles, parents can create a supportive environment that encourages open dialogue, understanding, and collaboration.
For teenagers, Solution Talk offers an opportunity to have their voices heard and respected. It empowers them to actively participate in problem-solving discussions, fostering a sense of ownership and responsibility for their decisions. Solution Talk allows teenagers to express their thoughts, concerns, and ideas without fear of judgment or dismissal, enhancing their self-esteem and confidence.
In the Solution Talk master course, we provide 11 short lessons that cover various aspects of Solution Talk. We explore the foundational principles, practical techniques, and common challenges associated with Solution Talk. Each lesson provides valuable insights, real-life examples, and actionable strategies to help you apply Solution Talk in your everyday interactions with your teenager.
By mastering Solution Talk, you will:
Cultivate a more positive and constructive communication dynamic with your teenager.
Deepen your understanding of your teenager’s perspectives, thoughts, and feelings.
Improve conflict resolution skills and find win-win solutions.
Foster mutual respect and strengthen the parent-teen relationship.
Empower your teenager to take ownership of their actions and contribute to problem-solving discussions.
Enhance your own listening, empathy, and problem-solving abilities as a parent.
Create a supportive and collaborative family environment that encourages growth and development.
The Solution Talk master course equips parents and teens with the necessary tools and techniques to navigate challenging conversations, address conflicts, and build a foundation of understanding and collaboration.
Are you ready to dive into the Solution Talk Course and unlock the keys to effective parent-teen communication?
The Solution Talk master course will be available in the Trustyy app when it launches in the fall of 2023. Subscribe to our newsletter to stay informed about launch.
“Where’s my (fill in the blank),” “I totally forgot (fill in the blank),” and “(fill in the blank) is stressing me out!”
Do these phrases sound uncomfortably familiar? Productivity and time management is an important part of everyday life, but we often don’t prioritize it as we should. Organization plays a huge role in success inside and outside the home—it affects every aspect of life and should be taken seriously.
Our founder Dr. Thayne interviewed a productivity and time management expert, Dawnie Williams, who shares tips on how to live an overall better, more productive life. Get a jump start on the new school year ahead and start implementing these insights and ideas today.
To understand the importance of productivity and time management, we must first understand where it came from. Individuals and groups throughout history have always strived for productivity, but it really started picking up when the manufacturing era started. Business owners wanted to find ways to cut down on time and production costs, which resulted in an increase in time management and productivity.
Although not everyone runs a business, families and individuals can benefit from implementing productivity and time management strategies in their daily lives. In this post, we’ll share the tips and strategies Dawnie and her family use for staying on top of household tasks, work, and family life. She believes that because time is limited, we want to do the best we can with the time we have.
Weekly Planning & Organization
When it comes to productivity, the best way to find success in your daily life is to start bigger by planning your weeks. Dawnie suggests sitting down with the family once a week to fill in the calendar to ensure that everyone is on the same page and no one misses important events during the week. It can be helpful to schedule work, family time, and downtime into the calendar as well.
She also mentions that you can stay busy all day without actually being productive. This is why it’s important for each member of the family to have a task list, categorize it, and prioritize it. Then when doing the tasks, make sure whatever you are doing gets 100% of your attention.
Daily Planning & Organization
Starting the week off right with organization and productivity sets you up for success when it comes to daily tasks and to-do lists. Dawnie’s personal rule while reading emails or prioritizing tasks is that if she can get the action item done in two minutes or less, she will take care of it immediately. If not, it goes onto the task list and is prioritized based on urgency and importance.
Once she makes it through her emails, Dawnie will move onto her task list that is prioritized by urgent, high, medium, and low. Urgent and high-priority tasks are completed that day, while medium and low-priority tasks are saved for later in the week. This method can be helpful at work as well as in the home – no matter what you need to get done, prioritizing your tasks can keep you from feeling overwhelmed and increase productivity.
Here are a few other tips Dawnie mentions for the entire family to stay organized and productive throughout the day:
Go to bed early
Wake up early
Exercise
Meal prep
Write lists (this can be done on your phone, in a notebook, on Monday.com – whatever works best for you)
Be present in whatever you are doing
Keeping Your Kids Productive & Organized
If you don’t have any of these things implemented into your daily and weekly routines yet, it’s going to take some time. Try not to get too frustrated with yourself or with your kids! The path to growth and change isn’t always linear, and some weeks will be better than others. Just know that by putting in the effort, you are setting an example for your kids and giving them a clearer path to success in adulthood.
Your kids will look to you as an example, so with this in mind, start making those small daily changes and the big changes will follow. Your kids will see how much more productive you are and they’ll want to implement the changes in their own lives. It will take some time and maybe some persuasion, but it will be so worth it in the end.
Dawnie also emphasizes how important it is to realize your kids are different from you. They’re still learning about themselves, their sleep schedules are different, and they can be more productive at different times. Productivity varies from person to person and there isn’t a formula that works for everyone. However, having a template your kids can go off of will be helpful as they are finding what works best for them.
Conclusion
If you haven’t previously focused on organization and productivity in your home, it can feel awkward and uncomfortable at first. But don’t give up! As you start to implement productivity into your life, your kids will follow suit and it will benefit them throughout their entire lives.
If you would like to hear Dawnie and Tim’s in-depth conversation on this topic, listen to the Not By Chance podcast episode on the Apple Podcast app, Spotify, Amazon Music, or wherever you listen to your favorite podcasts.
Social media has its benefits, including rallying people around good causes and allowing individuals to connect with others and share experiences. However, it also has its downsides, such as creating tension within relationships, leading to inauthentic relationships, and having a dangerous impact on teenagers’ mental, physical, spiritual, and emotional well-being. In this blog post, we’ll explore the impact of social media on teenagers and how parents can help them use it effectively and responsibly. We interviewed Dr. Ryan Anderson, who holds a Ph.D. in medical and family therapy, about social media and its effects on young people. We will discuss how parents can guide their teens to develop healthy social media habits and set them up for success in adulthood.
Dr. Anderson earned a Master’s degree in marriage and family therapy, a PhD in medical and family therapy, and completed his internship at the Duke Comprehensive Cancer Center. He has also worked as a wilderness therapist, taught college courses to first-year med students, and is involved in community outreach. Aside from these accomplishments, Dr. Anderson worked in video game design and software development. His interest in the digital world combined with his professional career in the mental health field led him to study their correlation.
Social Media: Pros & Cons
When you think of social media, you might think of the negativity that comes with it. While there are plenty of cons, there are also plenty of pros that people tend to overlook. Here are some of the positive and negative sides of social media, according to Dr. Anderson:
Pros of Social Media:
Can be a force for good in society.
Allows individuals to rally around good causes.
Spread awareness of events, movements, and causes.
It’s a space of collaboration where people can share experiences.
We can learn from others’ unique experiences.
Makes it easier to stay in touch with family and friends.
Cons of Social Media:
It can create tension within relationships (following/not following).
Give/take isn’t symmetrical—some people consume while some don’t, which leads to inauthentic relationships.
Social media can make you think you know someone intimately when in reality, you only understand that person based on their social media highlight reel.
It can be dangerous mentally, physically, spiritually, and emotionally.
Teens can lose their sense of worth and identity when they become too invested in social media.
Parents and Social Media: What You Need to Know
As a parent you want to protect your child, but there are many real dangers on social media, and it can be tempting to ban it altogether. It’s also hard to keep up with all of the updates, new apps, and trends. Your teen tells you TikTok is just for singing and dancing—but is that the only way people use it? Some parents will monitor their teens’ social media activity, while others shy away from it in the name of privacy.
Teaching your teenagers how to use social media correctly will help them better manage it in their everyday lives, especially when they reach adulthood. It is part of life, and when you set boundaries from the beginning and stick to them, you set your teens up for success. Teaching healthy social media habits includes having productive conversations when you start seeing negative effects or patterns.
Here are a few discussion topics Dr. Anderson suggests to guide your conversations about social media:
You are the product
Social media algorithms know you very well. They know your interests, scrolling habits, and even moods, and they’ll do everything to keep you on the app. Being aware of this can help teens know what is happening and understand why limiting screen time is vital to their mental health.
Catfishing
Catfishing occurs when someone pretends to be another person on social media. They could pose as teens to connect with your children when they could be predators or scammers. Have these discussions with your kids and make sure they only connect with people they know personally. And if something feels off, it probably is. Catfish can also pose as people your children know in real life.
You are the target
Not all scammers and predators are catfish, but they are good at what they do. Scammers target the elderly because they are vulnerable, and they target teens for the opposite reason—they think they’re invincible and could never fall for a scam. Helping your teens recognize when something feels wrong can give them the knowledge they need to stay safe.
Social media is permanent
Help your teens understand that once their content has been posted or sent, it belongs to the social media platform. There is no getting it back, and even if it disappears or gets deleted, it lives on in a database that could be hacked, leaked, or even sold. The same goes for Snapchat, even though the photos “disappear.”
Keeping Teens Safe on Social Media
Social media does have a lot of pros, even though there are some scary and concerning aspects. Working with your kids and teaching them how to use social media positively will let them experience the benefits and set them up for success when they reach adulthood.
Dr. Anderson uses the analogy of teaching a teenager how to drive. You wouldn’t just hand them the keys and say “Don’t crash,” so why would you download Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, or TikTok to their phone and say “Don’t use this the wrong way”? Just like your teen needs guidance, lessons, and practice driving a car, they need the same when they’re learning to use social media.
When you help your teen understand the dangers of social media and how to overcome them, they’ll understand how to have a positive experience overall.
Developing a Healthy Relationship with Social Media
Fostering and developing healthy social media habits takes time, practice, trial, error, and self-awareness. Here are a few suggestions about how to start building that healthy relationship so you can help your teens do the same:
Turn social media notifications off—it can wait.
Don’t be on every platform—the more you let in, the more you have to process.
Have a time and place for social media—it shouldn’t be available 24/7.
Take breaks—when you start to feel a shift in your mental health, it’s time to unplug.
Be careful and know the potential risks.
Research every app thoroughly before downloading it.
Social media has its pros and cons, but when you teach your teenagers how to navigate it correctly and how to create healthy habits, you can set them up for success in the future.
If you would like to hear more about this topic, listen to the Not by Chance podcast episode “Screen Savvy with Dr. Ryan Anderson” on Apple Podcasts or Spotify.
Everyone deals with stress from time to time—it’s perfectly normal. In fact, it helps us progress in life. If you don’t experience at least a little bit of stress, you should probably check your pulse because you might be dead. However, stress and overwhelm start to get unhealthy when there’s too much of it and you are unable to cope.
When things get too overwhelming, it’s important to know how to recognize those feelings, how to keep a healthy level of stress in your daily life and do what you need to do to overcome them. Here are a few things you can do to better your life and stop feeling overwhelmed.
1. Know What’s Triggering Your Stress
When you’re feeling stressed to the point of overwhelm, the first thing you need to do is figure out exactly what is causing it. It’s really important that you know where your stress is coming from. Feeling stressed without knowing why is a major cause of overwhelm, and it’s harder to overcome it if you can’t pinpoint why it’s happening. People tend to get stuck in that place.
2. Learn to Manage Your Emotions in the Midst of Change
Change can be a huge trigger of stress and anxiety. For example, when teens first enter the treatment setting, they may be pulled out of their homes and forced to adapt to a new “normal.” They don’t have the ability to fall back on their escapes, like Netflix, movies, gaming addictions, or other things. When these escapes are taken away, they can really learn to manage their emotions and address the issue the right way.
One great way to learn how to manage emotions is to start noticing the intrusive thoughts and worries that come to your mind. Awareness is the first step, and being intentional when quieting your mind can make a huge difference as you learn to cope with stress. When you have a clear mind, it is easier to complete your tasks and tackle your issues one by one, which reduces stress and overwhelm.
3. Create a Plan to Overcome
One misconception surrounding stress and overwhelm is that you have to overcome it all at once. Start to turn the tide and better your life by doing a number of small things every day. Small but impactful things you can do to overcome stress are: become aware of your triggers, learn how to manage your emotions, and find someone you love and trust to talk with.
Just like we all have stress in our lives, we have the strength to overcome it and stop feeling overwhelmed. When you figure out what’s important in your life and learn how to manage your emotions, you can have the power to let go of what doesn’t matter to you and prioritize what does. Hold onto hope and your life will continually get better.
To learn more, listen to our Not by Chance Podcast episode “Overcoming Overwhelm” on Apple Podcast or Spotify.
Communication is one of the most important aspects of life. It allows for connection on every level. In order to be successful in any relationship, it’s important to be able to communicate well. The following suggestions can help to minimize or eliminate the misunderstandings, contention, and apathy that can often derail our family conversations.
Be a Listener First
When it comes to understanding one another, language is obviously a key factor in healthy communication, but the one truth we often miss is that the power position in a conversation is starting as the listener.
Winston Churchill said, “Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak. Courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen.” A lot of us tend to want the speaker role first. One reason is that we think we have something important to say, but what you have to say won’t matter if you don’t understand what the other person’s ideas or feelings are or how to respond to them.
Being the listener first and the speaker second will allow you to empathize, modify how you feel if necessary, and approach the conversation in the healthiest way possible. This will give you an advantage when it is your turn to speak. You’ll be able to summarize what was said so it’s clear to them that you understand, even if you don’t completely agree with them. It will also help them realize that you see their perspective and are ready to have a healthy, mature conversation about it.
Be Self-Aware in Conversations (verbally and non-verbally)
The next thing you’ll want to do is have enough self-awareness to know the boundaries in the situation and to be able to tell the difference between your feelings, the other person’s feelings, and facts. When you are able to separate those things from each other, you can speak responsibly and convey your feelings in a way that can be accepted by the other person when they’re in the listening position. If you go ahead and state everything as fact, the listener can’t be fully present because they can’t accept that what you’re saying is a universal truth.
When you’re the speaker, avoid personal attacks, elevating your voice, and letting your body language make you look like you’re disinterested. These are all things that shut down communication, which is the opposite of what you want to do. Communication is verbal and non-verbal, so you could be sending non-verbal messages that make you difficult to listen to without even knowing it.
Balance is key
The balance between listening and speaking is important in communication, and when you have a healthy amount of both, you can facilitate great, productive conversations.
If you would like to learn more about listening and speaking in regards to communication, you can find our two-part episode of the Not by Chance Podcast on Apple Podcast or Spotify.
