Transition Coach, Shari Murray and Dr. Tim Thayne recently recorded a podcast discussing the Power of Positive Assumed Intent. They felt this was an important topic because we are all guilty at one time or another of assuming the intent of others actions. As a parent it’s common to ascribe negative intent to your child’s behavior when they act a certain way. If you can shift your mindset from assuming negative intent to positive, your relationship with your child can grow in ways you never thought possible.

This way of thinking is especially prevalent in families with children who struggle with Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) and anxiety. For example, children who are on the spectrum or who have anxiety often have difficulty with change and like to stick to a routine. When changes do occur, they can fall into what looks like compulsive, repetitive, self-absorbed, or even oppositional behaviors—when in reality, they’re having a hard time deviating from their routine.

Dig Deeper

From a parent’s perspective, it’s easy to see some behaviors as oppositional and negative. We assume that the child is selfish, wants things to go their own way, and that they are making our life miserable on purpose. But what we don’t realize is that there is usually something deeper going on and it’s something we can absolutely change.

Shari pointed out: “It’s important to understand why we ascribe the negative intent so quickly. A simple reason for this is that it does look oppositional and purposeful on the surface and it’s easier to believe that’s the case. Once you know if your child is on the spectrum or has anxiety, it’s important to realize that these diagnoses are really about information-processing problems. They have a difficult time processing information from multiple places at once or that comes in too quickly, and this slower processing can lead to missed information.”

Like a Freeway Under Construction

Shari explained: “If multiple lanes are shut down and there’s a flood of cars coming, only a few cars are getting through at once as opposed to when all of the lanes are open. It’s slow and can be messy, and this is how many children who have these diagnoses process information and experience the world. This triggers a nervous system response and can create uncertainty within them, leading to behaviors that seem problematic.” This analogy about a freeway under construction is a great visual for parents to remember.

Shari relayed an experience about a teen she worked with who was on the spectrum. The teen had a test coming up and was going to make some flashcards, and as he was writing, his parents noticed that he was writing everything down in paragraphs. His mom noted that he wasn’t doing it the right way, and to try something different. Since he had done this on a previous exam and it went well, he didn’t want to change. It turned into a struggle of who knows more, and then a situation like that became a traffic jam. To the parent, it might seem like the child was just being defiant and stubborn—but it really had nothing to do with her.

Making the Correct Assumption

It is important to make the correct assumption, says Shari. “One question a parent might have is whether it’s ever right to assume problematic behavior. It’s almost always safe to make the assumption that the child’s intention is just to find some predictability because they need to make sense of their world. When we approach our kids assuming that their intention is pure, we interact with them in a much healthier and more productive way.”

She continues, “The three basic things to know when it comes to assumed intent are:

First, acknowledge it and validate that it’s about creating predictability and security.

Second, it’s important to not try to convince the child that there’s nothing to be anxious about. You have to respect that it’s very real for them.

And third, have patience and compassion.”

Doing these things will help build mutual trust and respect, resulting in a healthier relationship.

To hear more about this topic, listen to the Not by Chance Podcast episode “Assumed Intent” with Dr. Tim Thayne and Homeward Bound Coach Shari Murray found on Apple Podcast or Spotify.

Gardening is a wonderful activity that not only provides fresh produce but also benefits our overall well-being. Studies have shown that caring for plants and soil can increase confidence, gratitude, responsibility, and compassion. At Grow Life, founder Karl Ebeling has witnessed firsthand the positive impact of gardening on foster children. In this blog post, we’ll explore how gardening can help individuals and families improve their mental health and create stronger connections.

Here are five therapeutic benefits of gardening:

1. It Can Reduce Anxious Thoughts and Feelings

Gardening is a great way to relax your mind and help reduce stress and anxiety. According to Healthline, “Studies have found gardening and horticultural therapy can reduce symptoms of anxiety and depression, improve attention, interrupt harmful ruminations…lower cortisol [stress hormone], [and] increase overall life satisfaction.”

Caring for a garden provides a sense of responsibility, an opportunity to work with your hands, and something to look forward to every day that will provide something great down the road. It is also a grounding experience that connects you with the earth—which is a classic technique for calming anxiety. When combined with therapy or other doctor-recommended necessary treatments, gardening can be a game-changer for people who suffer from anxiety or depression.

2. It Promotes Connection to the Earth

Connecting with the earth is crucial for anyone, and gardening is one of the best ways to get that connection. When you’re gardening, you’re often on your hands and knees touching the dirt and plants. You connect with the earth on a literal level, and it can be a very healing and grounding experience.

3. It Fosters Connection and Healthy Relationships

Gardening in a group setting is even better than gardening alone. If you have a family, spouse, or group of friends, getting together to plant and care for a garden will strengthen your relationships and foster meaningful connections.

Karl recalls bringing his son to help a family member get their yard ready for a wedding reception. Because of his software development career, Karl’s son worked on a computer every day and struggled with anxious feelings. There were many family members at the house helping with the yard work, and at the end of the day, he expressed that he felt uplifted.

Karl also shared a story about growing up in Pennsylvania, where he and a group of friends grew and sold produce. He says, “I will never forget the feeling that I had. We had comradery. We were a team. And I really believe we’re lacking that in our society today.”

4. It Instills a Love of Nature

We live on a beautiful planet, but sometimes we fail to appreciate or recognize it. With all of the distractions we face, we can go days without taking a moment to watch a beautiful sunset or take a deep breath of fresh air.

When you are outside working in the garden and planting new life, you gain a new appreciation for the earth and what it provides. Staying connected to nature is also one of the best ways to stay grounded, which can help with various problems or difficulties.

5. It Helps People Slow Down and Reduce Screen Time

Life is fast-paced. Kids and teenagers have demanding schedules between dance, sports, AP classes, homework, lessons, and other extracurricular activities, and parents are responsible for getting everyone where they need to go. We go in ten different directions at all times, and it can be overwhelming. And when we do have a few seconds of free time, most of our attention is directed to our phones—whether it’s social media, answering emails, or watching funny videos.

When you are working in the garden, everyday distractions take a back seat—giving you the chance to slow down. Take a break from the real and online world. It is good for the soul, and connecting with the earth is always a good idea.

Whether you have a big backyard or a tiny apartment, you can still benefit from a garden. You can find community gardens, hang planters in your house, put some small pots on your back porch, or build planter boxes in your yard. The opportunities really are endless, and even when you start small, you will see benefits.

If you want to learn more, listen to the episode “The Therapeutic Effects of Gardening” on the Not by Chance Podcast on Apple Podcasts or Spotify.

In today’s busy world, it’s hard to picture sitting down together as a family and having dinner every night. There are sports games to attend, practices to get to and homework to do. In the midst of it all, the most important things can easily take a back seat.

I sat down and discussed family meal time with Christine Van Wagenen who has studied its importance for years. Christine agrees that preparing meals and aligning schedules can quickly become overwhelming. While it might be tempting to fall into the habit of everyone eating when their schedules permit, she says that sitting down and eating a meal together as a family will be far more beneficial in the long run.

Here are four reasons why meal time matters, and three ways you can make it work for your family.

Why Meal Time Matters

The Ministry of Hospitality

Of course, there are more ways to serve than by simply cooking a meal, but Christine says it’s one of the best ways to provide hospitality and show that you care about the individuals you’re serving. Your attitude toward cooking will affect how often your family gathers together and how you serve one another.

Whether it’s for your family or a neighbor in need, cooking dinner for someone promotes love, service, and connection. This can also set an example for your children as they grow up and have opportunities to provide service to the people around them.

Connection

When families sit around the table together without distractions, it creates a safe space for everyone to be themselves. For example, maybe one of your kids is having a difficult time in school and they haven’t had the opportunity or desire to talk about it. This time together can help them feel comfortable to open up, and everyone can contribute love, support, and help, making the family bond stronger than before.

Having a set time to be together every day helps family members move past superficial relationships with one another. Christine emphasized that we need to be careful what tone we set for this time together. She said “Meal time is not a time that you are going to discipline, it is not a time to motivate someone to do something, [Family members] want to eat, they want to feel comfort and pleasure. Save those [other] things for a separate time.” She recommends setting aside meal time as a place for lighthearted conversations and laughs as well as deep discussions and sharing hardships.

The Research Backs it Up

Christine has studied the importance of family dinner for years and she has found that there is research to back it up. According to a study conducted by Columbia University, “Teenagers who eat with their families at least five times a week are more likely to get better grades in school and much less likely to have substance abuse problems.”

More specifically, the study found that these teenagers were “42% less likely to drink alcohol, 59% less likely to smoke cigarettes, and 66% less likely to try marijuana. … The survey also found that frequent family dinners were associated with better school performance, with teens 40% more likely to get As and Bs.” These significant statistics show that family dinners can have an impact inside and outside of the home.

There’s a Domino Effect

There’s always a learning curve when you start something new, but making positive changes often comes with a positive domino effect. It all starts with good food. Christine recommends finding something that everyone likes to eat. You’ll probably have a hard time getting everyone together at first, and you might even get some complaints. However, if you start with good food, the rest will follow.

Tips for Making Meal Time Work

Get the Kids Involved

If you can get your kids on board with the idea of family dinner, making the habit will be so much easier. Let them help choose meals, prep meals, or even set the table. If you have teenagers, teach them how to cook so they can develop that life skill and carry it with them into adulthood. When the kids contribute and feel included, they’ll be more likely to get excited about it.

Set a Schedule

Aligning busy schedules can seem impossible, but the benefits of eating together will outweigh the difficulties. Set a schedule and let everyone know what time you’ll be eating so they can be there. Whether you post it on the fridge or send it in the group text, planning and sticking to the schedule will help you make those family dinners happen.

Find What Works For You

If the pressure of having family dinner seems like too much, you can modify and do what works best for you and your family. “Family dinner” doesn’t even have to be dinner—it can be breakfast or lunch too. As long as you’re sitting down all together to have a meal without distractions, you’ll get the same benefits.

If you’re just starting and feeling overwhelmed, plan one or two days per week at first. As it becomes more natural and you start building the habit, add one or two more days. You want to build a habit that lasts, so easing into it might be the best way to go for your family.

No matter how you incorporate family dinners into your weekly routine, everyone in your family will reap the amazing benefits. To hear more about our discussion about family dinner, listen to our episode of Not By Chance.

When you think of the word minimalism, what comes to mind? Maybe you think of Marie Kondo’s hit Netflix show. Maybe you think of a millennial who doesn’t have time, space, or money for a lot of material items. Or maybe you think of a plain home lacking character. There are a lot of misconceptions when it comes to minimalism, but the reality is that it can be great for your family, your personal life, and your budget.

One of our transition coaches, Sonya Rodriquez Ph.D., has implemented minimalism into her life and has seen a drastic change in her family and home for the better. Dr. Thayne sat down with Sonya and discussed the benefits of this lifestyle and possible strategies for jump-starting and maintaining this change.

Materialism requires more and more while minimalism reinforces the message that less is more. Sonya describes minimalism as clearing clutter in every way—email inboxes, kitchen cabinets, closets, clothes, home decor—she points out that clutter requires maintenance, so it’s better to reduce that clutter to make more time for what really matters. If you’re spending all of your time managing the clutter in your life, you don’t have time left for your valued relationships.

Years ago, Sonya saw photos from a photographer who asked individuals from different cultures to bring all of their possessions out into the front yard. He photographed the items then published them. Sonya’s eyes were opened to how little other cultures lived with, and she realized that the American photos had exponentially more items than any other photos. With four kids, many toys, and an abundance of things, Sonya decided to simplify her family’s life by adopting a minimalist lifestyle.

One out of 10 American households have a storage unit, while one in four Americans with a two-car garage can’t even park one car inside because of the clutter. If you are in this situation and want to change, Sonya offers five tips that can help you or your teen simplify life and cut back on clutter.

1. When You Bring Something In, Take Something Out

The first rule of minimalism is to evaluate what you are buying and bringing into your home. A good rule of thumb is: when you bring something in, get rid of something else. You can donate it to someone in need or to your local Goodwill store so you know it will be appreciated. This is a great way to keep your clutter to a minimum and give to those in need.

2. Try Wearing 33 Items in 3 Months

At the beginning of Sonya’s minimalism journey, she took a long trip with her husband where she only wore 33 items in the entire three months (excluding workout clothes and pajamas). This helped her realize how little she truly needed and jump-started her journey to simplifying her life. If you’re looking for a good place to start, try doing something like this. You will be surprised by how much you can do with a few great pieces of clothing.

3. Get Out of the “Just in Case” Mindset

We all fall into the scarcity mindset from time to time—it’s inevitable, especially during times of uncertainty and difficulty. However, it’s important to get out of that mindset and not to keep things “just in case.” If you haven’t used something in the past year, you most likely won’t need it in the near future. Sonya recommends the 20/20 rule to help you decide when to let things go: if you can get it for $20 or travel 20 miles or less to get it, it’s best to donate that item or get rid of it.

4. Gift Experiences Rather Than Items

Over the past decade or so, people (especially younger generations) have started to see the value of experiences rather than things. If you want to give someone a thoughtful gift, Sonya suggests “gifting” them an experience. You could give flight vouchers, Airbnb gift cards, a National Parks pass, or even tickets to see the latest movie. There are endless possibilities that come with gifting experiences, and people will most likely remember and appreciate it more than another material item.

5. Use Others’ Things

Borrowing or renting items from others is a great way to build community, help people out, and experience everything you want without having to clutter your home with more material items. Sonya did this by renting an RV to go on a camping trip with her family—they were able to rent the RV, have a great trip, use the items inside the RV, and give it back when they were done. This helped the hosting family out by providing some extra money for the rental, and Sonya’s family got to experience the camping trip without purchasing an RV and everything inside. You can also return the favor by letting others borrow things only you have. It helps you, helps them, and creates more connections in your community.

If you would like to learn more from Sonya Rodriguez and Tim Thayne about how a minimalist lifestyle can help your family, check out this episode:

Giving feedback is a necessary form of communication and can be applied in many different facets of life—parenting, work, school, religious responsibilities, and more. For some, receiving feedback can be difficult, especially when the person is firm in their habits and opinions. On the other hand, when feedback is given too late, the consequences of one’s actions are already inevitable. Regardless, feedback is an important part of life and should be welcomed when the situation permits.

But what about those times when feedback isn’t helpful? In the aftermath of an unfortunate situation, the last thing your teen wants to hear is what they should have done differently. They most likely know what they should have done differently, but that advice would have been very helpful before the unfortunate situation occurred in the first place. At Not By Chance, we like to call this feedforward. It’s similar to feedback, but it’s almost always more beneficial because it can help someone avoid doing something they regret. In a nutshell, feedforward can keep someone from making a preventable mistake.

Knowing the difference between feedback and feedforward can help your teenager find more success and joy in their journey by minimizing the pain they feel along the way. Some pain is of course necessary and inevitable for growth, but giving them feedforward can help set them up for a great life ahead.

The Blind Man Metaphor

If there is a blind man approaching a set of stairs, it is unhelpful to tell him to watch out for the staircase after he has fallen down. He now knows the staircase is there and he’s facing the consequences of his actions—whether it’s a few bruises or even a broken bone. Feedforward would have been given as someone saw the blind man at the top of the stairs, stopped him, and let him know there was a staircase ahead. They might also have led him to the handrail so he could make it down safely. This would have saved him from injury.

It sounds like a simple principle, but when you are working with teens, it’s hard to know how your feedforward will be received. There are a few things that factor into their reaction that you should consider. First, if you’re not careful, feedforward can come off as judgmental, controlling, or lecturing. Your teen might not be in the right headspace to receive what you have to say. If this is a roadblock you experience, try assessing your delivery and see how it can be improved. If you come from a place of sincere love and concern, your kids will be more likely to accept what you have to say.

Another Real Example of Feedforward

Another example that might help as a parent to navigate the feedforward process is an experience I had. I injured my neck as a result of chipping ice off the driveway with a pickaxe one winter. I had to cut my family vacation short and spent Christmas alone because I was in such severe pain. I spent the next few months recovering, and it was a long, painful road.

A few years later I was using the same pickaxe in my yard, and my son (knowing what happened last time), offered to take over for me because he was concerned about my neck injury. My son knew what could happen if I continued working with the pickaxe, so he stepped in to help. This could have saved me from another few months of painful recovery.

In Conclusion

Sometimes your teens will receive your feedforward well, but sometimes they won’t. The best thing you can do is lead with love. Don’t deliver it in a judgmental or degrading way—let your child know you love them and want the best for them, which is why you are offering your advice.

It’s important to remember that even if they don’t listen to what you have to say, they will still learn a valuable lesson out of the experience and you can have peace of mind knowing you have done everything you can to set them up for success.

To learn more about this topic listen to the Not by Chance Podcast Episode: “Give Feedforward Not Feedback” on Apple Podcasts and Spotify.