Shifting Paradigms: The Powerful Positive Shift Empowering Teens in Treatment
What’s changing inside adolescent treatment right now—and why should parents care?
In Episode 9, Dr. Tim Thayne speaks with Trina Packard, a longtime leader in youth care and the adolescent treatment space, about shifting paradigms in treatment programs and how those same principles can be applied at home.
This episode is for:
parents who want lasting change (not just short-term compliance), and
professionals who want a clearer picture of where the field is headed.
Because the truth is: when programs evolve, families must evolve too.
And that is exactly what shifting paradigms is all about.
Why “Shifting Paradigms” Matters More Than Ever
Over the last few decades, many families entered treatment with one main hope:
“Fix my teen… then send them home.”
But Trina explains that the field has learned something important over time:
Sustainable outcomes require the whole family system to change—not just the teen.
This is one of the biggest shifting paradigms in adolescent treatment:
from “the teen is the problem”
to “the environment must evolve so the teen can succeed at home.”
Shifting Paradigms #1: From Behavior-Only to Whole-Person, Trauma-Informed Care
Years ago, many programs were structured around behavior levels:
meet expectations → earn privileges
“jump through hoops” → move up
Some of that structure can still be helpful.
But Trina highlights a major shift:
More programs now work through a clinical, trauma-informed lens: “What happened to you?” not just “What’s wrong with you?”
This is one of the most meaningful shifting paradigms because it changes everything:
Shifting paradigms doesn’t mean “no rules.” It means building a better environment where teens feel:
safe enough to be vulnerable
respected enough to engage
empowered enough to practice leadership
Shifting Paradigms #5: Teens Becoming Active Partners in Their Treatment Plan
One of the most practical upgrades discussed is how teens are increasingly invited into treatment planning—not as the sole decision-maker, but as a meaningful collaborator.
Instead of:
“Here are your goals.”
Programs ask more:
“What do you want to get out of your treatment?”
This shift matters because:
ownership increases follow-through
teens build internal motivation
resistance decreases over time
real identity change becomes more likely
It’s another major shifting paradigms moment: from external control → to internal ownership.
The Bridge Home: Why Transition Plans Often Fail (And the New Fix)
A powerful part of this episode is Dr. Thayne’s story:
Many families stop using the transition plan shortly after discharge. And when parents bring it up, teens often say:
“That was for the beginning… not now.”
So what’s the new shifting paradigms solution?
Put the teen in the driver’s seat by having them author the plan first.
Not because parents don’t matter—but because teen ownership drives consistency.
That’s the philosophy behind the Trust & Freedom Recovery Tool mentioned in the episode—where teens create a plan to earn back freedoms and rebuild trust with a clear roadmap.
How Parents Apply “Shifting Paradigms” at Home
Parents sometimes hear “empower teens” and worry it means:
“So I do nothing… and hope it works?”
This episode makes it clear:
Parents still have a huge leadership role.
Empowerment works best with:
clear guardrails
defined non-negotiables (safety rules)
space for teen voice in negotiables (preferences, routines, privileges)
A simple framework you can use at home:
1) Separate non-negotiables vs negotiables
Non-negotiables: safety, substances, driving rules, self-harm boundaries Negotiables: screen time structure, weekend plans, certain privileges
2) Make your teen propose the plan
Ask:
“What would a responsible plan look like that addresses our concerns and helps you regain freedom?”
3) Edit, don’t author
You’re still leading—just leading in a way that builds ownership.
That’s parenting aligned with shifting paradigms.
Key Takeaways (Quick Summary)
Shifting paradigms means the whole family system is part of treatment
The field is moving toward more trauma-informed, whole-person care
Evidence-based treatment + accreditation + outcomes tracking are growing expectations
Programs are increasing teen dignity, respect, and voice
Teens are being invited into treatment planning to build ownership
Transition success improves when teens help author the plan
Parents still lead—with guardrails + calm support + wise negotiation
FAQ
What does “shifting paradigms” mean in adolescent treatment?
It means treatment is evolving from behavior-only approaches toward whole-person, trauma-informed care that includes family system change, outcomes tracking, and teen ownership.
How are treatment programs empowering teens more today?
Many programs increase teen voice (like student councils), involve teens in treatment planning, teach practical skills, and focus on dignity and engagement while maintaining safety.
How can parents use shifting paradigms at home?
Give teens ownership where appropriate (plans, negotiables) while keeping clear non-negotiables for safety—and focus on calm, consistent leadership that supports long-term growth.
The Secret to Lasting Change: A Powerful Hope-Filled Shift from Rebellious to Responsible
What is the secret to lasting change for teens who feel trapped in survival mode?
In Episode 8 of the Not By Chance Podcast, Dr. Tim Thayne sits down with Kira Fanlow—a former “troubled teen” who has lived the journey firsthand.
Kira’s story is powerful because it includes every stage families recognize:
years of emotional pain and spiraling
repeated attempts to “fix it” at home
crisis moments that push parents to the edge
a breakthrough experience in treatment
and the hard part most people don’t talk about: coming home and sustaining growth
This episode reveals the secret to lasting change by showing how one teen moved from rebellious to responsible through identity, structure, community, and meaningful support.
Kira’s Teen Years: “I Didn’t Feel at Home in Myself”
Kira explains that while she could list diagnoses and clinical labels, the real truth underneath was simple:
She didn’t feel safe inside her own mind and body.
Her baseline was painful—so she lived in survival mode.
That inner discomfort led to behaviors parents often find terrifying:
self-harm
suicidal thoughts
running away
black-and-white thinking
emotional spirals from small triggers
She describes how even a slightly “off” text from a friend could send her into a collapse:
“No one likes me… I should just die.”
This is important because it shows something many parents need to hear:
✅ Some teens aren’t “choosing chaos.” They’re trying to escape pain they don’t know how to hold.
When Talk Therapy Isn’t Enough (And Parents Feel Stuck)
Kira’s parents tried everything they could find:
years of talk therapy
medications
CBT, DBT, EMDR
an inpatient stay
But nothing created stability long-term.
And then came the moment many families recognize:
She came home from inpatient with a home contract… and broke it spectacularly.
She cut school, took her mom’s new car, met someone she wasn’t allowed to see, crashed the car, and police called her mom.
It wasn’t “rebellion for fun.”
It was a teen in survival mode, acting out the pain she couldn’t regulate.
The Church Moment: A Parent’s Breaking Point
One of the most emotional moments in the story happens after the crash.
Kira’s mom takes her past a church and asks if they should go in.
Inside, her mom says:
“I prayed for you every day… I don’t know what to do anymore.”
Kira describes feeling hopeless—and praying for her life to end because she believed she only hurt the people she loved.
This moment matters because it captures what so many parents feel:
fear
grief
exhaustion
and the painful truth that love alone doesn’t fix what’s happening
And this is where the secret to lasting change begins to unfold…
Wilderness Therapy: The Turning Point That Changed Everything
A few weeks later, Kira went to wilderness therapy—and she calls it life-changing.
She explains why wilderness worked in two powerful ways:
1) It gave her a new reference point: peace
For the first time, she experienced what stability felt like.
Away from constant noise, stimulation, and pressure… she discovered a baseline she didn’t even know was possible.
2) It created “counter-evidence” to her self-hatred
Kira had internal beliefs like:
“I’m weak.”
“I’m incapable.”
“I’m worthless.”
But in wilderness, she did hard things and survived them.
That created what she describes as the opposite of helplessness:
✅ practiced competence
And practiced competence is a major part of the secret to lasting change—because confidence grows through evidence, not encouragement.
A Huge Parenting Lesson: Belief Works Better Than Frustration
Kira shares a powerful insight:
In wilderness, staff didn’t buy into her story that she was helpless.
They didn’t respond with frustration.
They responded with consistency and belief.
That made her want to rise.
She explains something many parents feel but don’t always know how to say:
Parents are often frustrated because they believe their teen can do better.
But when frustration becomes the dominant emotional tone…
teens don’t feel belief.
They feel rejection.
And wilderness helped her feel belief again.
Why Progress Often Falls Apart After Treatment
Kira shares a hard truth:
One of the biggest problems with wilderness is that it ends.
And when teens return home, they lose:
consistent structure
community reinforcement
role-model identity
daily accountability
supportive culture
That’s why the secret to lasting change isn’t only the breakthrough…
…it’s how you continue the breakthrough.
This is also why Kira began creating peer support groups for young people leaving treatment—because teens need belonging to sustain growth.
The Hidden Need Teens Won’t Say Out Loud: Hierarchy Creates Safety
This part of the episode is gold for parents.
Kira talks about the word hierarchy—and how people often react negatively to it.
But her point is simple:
Teens need stable leadership at home (even if they fight it).
When teens push boundaries and parents give in repeatedly, teens get more freedom…
but they feel less safe.
Kira describes it like this:
chaos met with chaos becomes dysfunction
chaos met with stability becomes regulation
She explains that stable, predictable adults create a “safe relational field” that teens can start to co-regulate with.
That stability is a major part of the secret to lasting change.
Because safety isn’t just supervision.
Safety is emotional predictability.
The Manipulation Question (And the Honest Answer Parents Need)
Dr. Thayne asks something many parents wonder but rarely ask out loud:
When teens threaten self-harm during conflict… is it manipulation?
Kira answers with nuance:
Yes, she knew it would affect her mom…
…but it wasn’t “fake.”
It was her attempt to feel control when she felt powerless inside herself.
She gives an example: melting down over a nose piercing.
Not because of jewelry…
but because she believed:
“This is the only way I can stop hating myself.”
This helps parents understand the deeper truth:
✅ Behavior often reflects survival mode—not simple defiance.
Why Treatment Works: Identity + Meaning + Community
Kira explains that treatment works when it helps teens embrace a new identity:
capable
competent
whole
meaningful
Wilderness, especially, helped her stop seeing herself as broken.
And one of the biggest “identity upgrades” teens experience in treatment is this:
being a role model and giving back
Kira says something extremely powerful:
Teens don’t just want to be loved… they want somewhere for their love to go.
That’s a huge part of the secret to lasting change:
When teens become helpers, mentors, and role models… they become responsible because responsibility now has meaning.
Ownership Wins: Why Teens Reject the Same Plan When Parents Present It
One of the best stories in the episode is about a teen who created her own plan:
sleep routine
friend boundaries
no weed
structure and goals
Then the parents sent a home contract…
…and she hated it.
Kira looked at it and said:
It was basically identical to her plan.
But teens often reject the same idea when parents deliver it because:
independence matters more than safety in the moment
control triggers resistance
ownership triggers leadership
That’s why the secret to lasting change is not only what the plan says…
…it’s who owns it.
The Future: Helping Teens Create Their Own Transition Plans With AI
Dr. Thayne shares something exciting they’re building:
An AI tool that helps teens:
think through what they want
connect trust to freedom
repair breaches of trust
and create a plan they can present to parents
Kira agrees this is powerful because teens already use AI for planning and advice.
And more importantly:
A neutral messenger often works better than a parent in the teen brain.
This tool is designed to turn independence into healthy leadership…
and that might be one of the most scalable parts of the secret to lasting change moving forward.
Key Takeaways (Quick Summary)
If you only remember a few things, remember these:
The secret to lasting change starts with identity shifts
Wilderness helped rebuild peace and competence
Teens need stable leadership (even when they fight it)
Threats and intensity often come from survival mode
Treatment works when it builds meaning + community
Teens want to give back and become role models
Transition success depends on ownership, not control
AI tools may help teens author their own plans
FAQ
What is the secret to lasting change for teens?
The secret to lasting change is helping teens build a new identity, practice competence, find meaning and community, and take ownership of their growth—especially during transition home.
Why do teens act rebellious even when parents are trying to help?
Many teens are in survival mode. Rebellion can be an attempt to regain control over emotional pain, not simply disrespect or defiance.
How can parents help a teen go from rebellious to responsible?
By creating stability, consistent boundaries, emotional predictability, and a path where the teen earns trust and owns the plan forward.
From Powerless to Powerful: The Proven Hope-Filled Shift That Transforms Your Family
Have you ever had a day where you felt like nothing you do matters?
You’ve tried everything. You’ve talked, corrected, encouraged, set boundaries, removed privileges… and somehow it still feels like the situation is getting worse.
In Episode 7, Dr. Tim Thayne and Roxanne Thayne tackle one of the most universal parenting experiences:
How to go from powerless to powerful—and start influencing real change inside your family.
This episode isn’t about “perfect parenting.” It’s about practical principles that create momentum—even if you start with just a 10% shift.
Why Parents Feel Powerless (Even When They’re Doing Everything They Can)
Powerlessness usually isn’t caused by a single hard day.
It comes from a long season of pain:
repeated conflict
broken trust
emotional exhaustion
and the feeling that your effort isn’t working
Dr. Thayne compares it to being the captain of a ship in a storm—responsible for leading, but unsure how to navigate the waves.
And today, the storms feel different than they did decades ago.
As Roxanne points out, danger and pressure can now enter the home through:
constant online access
bullying
high social pressure
and intense emotional stress
So if you’ve felt overwhelmed… you’re not weak. You’re human.
The Evidence Parents Need: Families Have More Influence Than They Think
One of the most encouraging moments in the episode is the reminder that family influence is real.
Dr. Thayne shares research highlighting that family-based approaches can significantly improve outcomes compared to individual-only approaches.
Here’s the takeaway in plain language:
✅ When parents grow, the home environment changes. ✅ When the home environment changes, teens change more often.
That’s the foundation of going from powerless to powerful.
The 80/20 Secret: You Don’t Need a Total Overhaul
Roxanne brings up an idea that can feel like oxygen for exhausted parents:
You don’t need to fix everything—just change something by 10%.
A small improvement in one category can create a ripple effect, like:
communicating 10% more calmly
holding a boundary 10% more consistently
pausing before reacting
listening 10% more intentionally
That small shift can stop the downward spiral… and start a new upward loop.
This is how parents go from powerless to powerful without burning out.
Step 1: Change the Belief That You’re Powerless
Here’s the hard truth:
If you truly believe you can’t influence change… you won’t try anything new.
And in a powerless mindset, one thing takes over:
Emotions start driving every decision.
That’s when parenting becomes reactive:
fear leads to over-control
exhaustion leads to avoidance
anger leads to escalation
disappointment leads to disengagement
So the first shift is internal:
✅ “I may not control everything… but I can influence a lot.”
That belief change is the first step from powerless to powerful.
Two Core Skills That Keep Parents Moving Forward: Grit + Buoyancy
Roxanne references two traits that matter deeply for family change:
Grit
The ability to keep showing up when it’s hard.
Buoyancy
The ability to lift back up emotionally when you feel discouraged.
In real parenting terms:
grit keeps you consistent
buoyancy keeps you hopeful
Both are required to go from powerless to powerful over time.
Sometimes You Need a Guide (And That’s Not a Weakness)
One of the most practical insights is that when parents feel stuck, they may need support to create a pattern break.
Dr. Thayne describes moments where he’s essentially “whispering in a parent’s ear” during a hard conversation—because the healthy response doesn’t always feel natural at first.
This matters because you don’t need more shame. You need structure.
Support can help you:
stay grounded
apply principles consistently
and build confidence through new outcomes
That’s one of the fastest ways to move from powerless to powerful.
Family Systems: The “Customer for Change” Principle
Dr. Thayne shares a concept from family systems therapy that is incredibly empowering:
In a family system, you don’t need everyone to change to create change.
Sometimes you only need one person to shift.
He calls that person the:
“Customer for change.”
And in many families, that person is the parent.
Because when one leader changes: ✅ the system reacts ✅ patterns shift ✅ outcomes change
This is why you can go from powerless to powerful even if your teen is still struggling.
The Greenhouse Metaphor: You Can’t Force Growth, But You Can Create Conditions
Dr. Thayne uses a simple metaphor that parents instantly understand:
You can’t force a plant to grow. But you can create the conditions for growth.
In parenting, that looks like:
clearer expectations
calm leadership
consistent boundaries
emotional safety
supportive structure
So “power” doesn’t mean control.
Power means influence through environment.
That’s what from powerless to powerful truly means.
The One Habit That Creates Massive Change: Staying Calm
Dr. Thayne gives a real example:
Sometimes a parent learns one principle—like emotional regulation—and decides:
“For two weeks, my main job is to stay calm.”
And that alone changes everything.
Roxanne shares a personal example: one December she committed to not raising her voice as a gift to her family… and the household energy shifted with it.
This is the power of consistency.
Small change. Repeated daily. Ripple effect.
“Belayer Parenting”: Support Without Rescuing
A powerful metaphor in this episode is climbing:
Some parents respond to teen struggle by pulling on the rope—trying to rescue.
But pulling too hard prevents teens from finding their own footholds.
The healthier role is being a belayer:
you don’t let go
you don’t lift them to the top
you support them while they build strength
That balance is essential in moving from powerless to powerful without slipping into over-control.
Differentiation of Self: Calm + Connected = Influence
Dr. Thayne references the concept of “differentiation of self” (from Murray Bowen), explained simply as:
Stay calm and stay connected.
When parents self-regulate:
conflict escalates less
teens learn emotional regulation by example
trust rebuilds faster
This is leadership, not perfection.
And it’s a core pillar of going from powerless to powerful.
Trust Grows Through Structure + Choice (Not Anger)
One of the best practical examples in the episode is about car privileges.
Instead of a fear-driven explosion, the parent chooses calm structure:
option A: lose the car this week
option B: keep the car, but check in hourly and ask permission first
When the teen chooses option B and follows through, trust grows.
That’s important because the episode shares a powerful insight:
Teens who feel trusted by parents are far less likely to engage in risky behaviors.
Trust isn’t built by giving everything.
Trust is built by creating conditions where teens can succeed.
The “Moment of Truth” That Starts Everything
Roxanne names the moment where change begins:
the moment you stop trying to control “out there”
…and decide to change yourself
That’s where power is born.
Not because your teen instantly becomes perfect… but because your leadership becomes stable.
That’s how families begin moving from powerless to powerful in real life.
A Simple System Shift That Works: Weekly Family Meetings
A practical example shared is a mother who implemented Sunday night family meetings.
At first:
eye rolls
disengagement
resistance
But she stayed consistent.
And eventually, the family started talking openly:
real issues
friend drama
curfew conversations
needs and boundaries
The lesson:
✅ It doesn’t work instantly. ✅ It works consistently.
That’s the pattern behind from powerless to powerful.
One Story Every Parent Should Hear: Love Leaves a Lifelong Mark
Dr. Thayne shares a personal story about his father picking him up unexpectedly, taking him to Burger King, and making a simple statement:
“We don’t do the cold shoulder in our family.”
That moment changed the emotional direction of their relationship—decades later it still matters.
This is a reminder to parents:
Even when it feels like you’re not making a difference…
you are.
Your Plan Needs to Fit Your Family (Not Someone Else’s)
One of the best closing points is this:
Parents often want to copy someone else’s plan.
But real progress requires a plan built around:
your family strengths
your resources
your readiness
your teen’s needs
Principles are universal. But implementation is personal.
So the invitation is simple:
Start with your first step today.
That’s how you go from powerless to powerful—one committed shift at a time.
Key Takeaways (Quick Summary)
Powerlessness is normal in long hard seasons
Families influence outcomes more than they realize
Small 10% changes create ripple effects
The first shift is believing you can influence change
Grit + buoyancy keep you steady long-term
One calm parent can shift the whole system
Create conditions for growth (greenhouse)
Support without rescuing (belayer)
Trust grows through structure + choice
Your “moment of truth” starts everything
FAQ
What does “from powerless to powerful” mean in parenting?
It means shifting from emotional reactivity and helplessness to calm leadership and consistent influence that creates real change in family patterns.
What is the smallest change that creates the biggest ripple?
Often it’s emotional regulation—staying calm during conflict. Even a two-week commitment can shift trust, communication, and outcomes.
How can parents influence teens without controlling them?
By setting up conditions for success: clear expectations, consistent boundaries, choice, accountability, and calm connection.
Safety to Self-Leadership: The Powerful Positive Shift That Helps Teens Take the Lead
What makes treatment truly effective isn’t just “keeping a teen safe.”
It’s helping a teen move from survival mode… to self-leadership.
In Episode 6, Dr. Tim Thayne sits down with Danny, a treatment professional and consultant, to unpack one of the most important transformations great programs create:
The shift from safety to self-leadership—moving from containment and supervision to confidence, competence, and ownership.
This episode is packed with insight for both:
treatment professionals (systems, culture, risk tolerance), and
parents (what to learn from great programs and how to replicate it at home)
Why Safety Must Come First (And Why It’s Non-Negotiable)
In wilderness programs (and any high-quality setting), safety is the starting point.
Many teens arrive with real risk factors, including:
suicidal thoughts
self-harm
severe emotional dysregulation
trauma responses
impulsive behavior
That’s why the first phase of safety to self-leadership is simple:
Stabilize the environment so growth is even possible.
Danny explains that safety begins before a teen even enters the program through:
✅ admissions screening ✅ assessment and fit ✅ confirming the behaviors are within the program’s wheelhouse ✅ making sure staffing and clinical support are prepared
Because safety isn’t just a “goal.”
It’s the foundation for everything else.
The Hidden Truth: Safety Is Also Emotional
One of the most powerful takeaways is that safety isn’t just about supervision.
It’s also about trust.
Teens arrive overwhelmed, depleted, and often full of self-doubt. Great programs begin by meeting basic needs:
warmth
food
sleep
stability
consistent care
Those basics build trust.
And trust becomes the bridge that moves a teen from safety to self-leadership.
The 2 Principles Great Programs Use to Keep Teens Safe
Danny shares two safety principles that also apply to parenting:
1) Define Your Risk Tolerance
Every organization must know what it can responsibly handle and what it can’t.
That clarity determines:
protocols
staffing decisions
training
escalation and support systems
Risk tolerance isn’t fear-based.
It’s professional responsibility.
2) Build a Culture of Learning (Not Blame)
In behavioral health, things go wrong sometimes.
The key difference in great programs isn’t “nothing ever happens.”
It’s what happens when something breaks down.
Danny explains that strong cultures don’t hide problems—they learn from them.
Because:
blame creates fear and secrecy
learning creates openness, systems, and stronger outcomes
This matters because safety to self-leadership requires a team that stays calm, honest, and consistent under pressure.
How Teens Start Earning Freedom (The Self-Leadership Process)
Once safety is stable, great programs begin moving teens toward self-leadership gradually.
Not with huge freedom jumps.
With incremental wins.
Danny describes how good programs start with simple, realistic expectations:
stay within supervision
meet basic routines
respect others
follow small responsibilities
Then they increase challenge as competence increases.
That’s the core of safety to self-leadership:
small steps → competence → confidence → initiative → responsibility
“Programmed Unavoidable Success”: The Momentum Strategy
One of the best concepts in the entire episode is:
programmed unavoidable success
The idea is simple:
Teens who have experienced repeated failure often stop believing they can succeed.
So great programs carefully engineer early wins:
coaching
support
skill-building
achievable challenges
And once teens experience success again, something powerful happens:
✅ their self-belief begins to rebuild ✅ motivation increases ✅ resistance decreases ✅ momentum returns
That’s what safety to self-leadership looks like in real time.
The Culture That Changes Everything: “They Have the Capacity to Thrive”
Danny shares the core belief that shaped their culture:
“We believe in the potential of the human spirit and everyone’s capacity to thrive.”
That belief changes everything.
Because when staff believe a teen can thrive:
they respond differently under stress
they look beneath behavior
they coach instead of punish
they teach instead of label
It’s not permissive.
It’s hopeful leadership.
And it’s one of the fastest ways to move from safety to self-leadership.
Look Beneath the Behavior (Needs Drive Actions)
Another powerful lens discussed:
behavior is often an attempt to meet a human need
Even harmful behavior is often connected to needs like:
belonging
control
safety
approval
escape
power
When staff and parents learn to look beneath the behavior, they can respond with:
This approach creates less conflict and more growth—essential for safety to self-leadership.
What Parents Can Learn From Great Programs
One of the best parts of this episode is the direct comparison between:
exhausted parents at home (isolated, burnt out, triggered) vs
trained teams in treatment settings (supported, objective, resourced)
Danny points out something parents often need to hear:
You weren’t failing. You were unsupported.
Great programs succeed because they don’t operate alone:
staff have backups
supervisors exist
clinical on-call exists
systems exist
Parents need the same principle:
✅ don’t do this alone because support reduces volatility and increases leadership.
That’s a huge piece of safety to self-leadership at home too.
The Home Transition: Honeymoon Phase → Testing Phase
As teens return home, many families experience predictable phases:
honeymoon phase (things feel good, hope rises)
testing phase (old patterns get triggered, fear rises)
This is where parents need the same mindset a great program has:
Don’t panic. Normalize the phase. Apply the tools.
One simple strategy mentioned is moving from fear to curiosity:
take a deep breath
regulate your nervous system
validate what your teen is experiencing
choose leadership, not reaction
The Parent Breakthrough: What You Do Matters More Than You Think
A major research-backed point is emphasized again:
parent engagement is one of the biggest predictors of success
Danny explains that parents who participate, learn, and grow alongside treatment tend to see better outcomes long-term.
That’s not blame.
That’s empowerment.
Because the only person you can control is you.
And when parents grow, the home climate changes—making safety to self-leadership sustainable after discharge.
Key Takeaways (Quick Summary)
Safety to self-leadership starts with non-negotiable safety
Great programs define risk tolerance and build learning cultures
Teens grow through incremental wins
“Programmed unavoidable success” rebuilds confidence fast
Culture matters: teens thrive when adults believe they can
Parents don’t need blame—they need support
Expect transition phases like honeymoon + testing
Validation + regulation prevents relapse into old patterns
FAQ
What does “safety to self-leadership” mean?
It’s the process great programs use to move teens from containment and supervision toward confidence, competence, and ownership of their choices.
Why do great programs start with safety first?
Because safety creates the foundation for trust, relationship-building, and skill growth. Without safety, teens can’t stabilize enough to learn.
How can parents support safety to self-leadership at home?
By building support (not parenting alone), normalizing transition phases, using validation, and creating small wins that rebuild responsibility over time.
Future of Adolescent Treatment: The Powerful Shift From Long-Term to Short-Term Care
What does the future of adolescent treatment look like when more families can’t access long-term care—even when their teen truly needs it?
In Episode 5 of the Not By Chance Podcast, Dr. Tim Thayne sits down with Tony Mosier, a longtime treatment founder and past president of NATSAP (National Association for Therapeutic Schools and Programs), to unpack one of the biggest shifts happening in the field today:
A growing move from long-term residential treatment to short-term care (30–90 days)… and the aftercare challenges that come with it.
This conversation is both hopeful and honest—because it doesn’t promise a magic fix.
Instead, it shows families how to adapt, prepare early, and protect the progress a teen makes in treatment once they return home.
Why the Future of Adolescent Treatment Is Moving Toward Short-Term Care
For decades, long-term treatment often meant 8 to 12 months of residential work—enough time for teens to build relationships, practice skills, and gradually internalize change.
But Tony explains a reality more parents are facing:
Most families don’t have access to long-term residential care.
Some families have insurance that covers only:
30 days
60 days
90 days …and sometimes coverage ends suddenly with very little notice.
This reality is a major driver in the future of adolescent treatment, because it forces programs (and families) to shift both expectations and strategy.
The Hard Part: Short-Term Treatment Can Mean Teens Go Home “Undercooked”
Tony shares a blunt but accurate phrase:
A teen can return home after short-term treatment “undercooked.”
Not because the program failed.
But because real transformation takes time—and many teens have been struggling for years.
As Tony puts it:
“It took them 16 years to get there. You need more than 30 days to undo that.”
So in the future of adolescent treatment, short-term residential can help more families access care—but it also creates a new urgency:
✅ What happens after discharge matters more than ever.
The Reality Parents Hate: Insurance Can End With 2 Days Notice
One of the most stressful parts of this episode is the reminder that insurance decisions can be abrupt.
Tony describes the scenario many programs now face:
a teen is just starting to soften
defenses are coming down
real progress is beginning …and suddenly the insurance company denies medical necessity.
Sometimes parents get two days notice.
That means the future of adolescent treatment requires a new mindset:
Aftercare planning can’t start “later.” It must start immediately.
The “Hot Potato” Problem: Why Transitions Break Down
Dr. Thayne and Tony talk about how treatment used to feel like “hot potato”:
one program holds the teen for a while
then “hands them off” to the next program
then eventually to an outpatient therapist at home …and often the baton gets dropped.
The issue isn’t that outpatient therapy is bad.
The issue is that:
outpatient providers may not know the full journey
communication is limited
transitions are rushed
families feel alone again overnight
That gap is one of the biggest reasons outcomes suffer—and it’s exactly why aftercare is becoming central to the future of adolescent treatment.
What Programs Must Change in the Future of Adolescent Treatment
Tony explains three major shifts providers must make when working in short-term settings:
1) Change Your Attitude: “Play the Hand You’re Dealt”
Short-term care might not be ideal…
…but it’s better than families having no access at all.
2) Change the Finish Line: Focus on a Few “Big Ticket Issues”
Instead of trying to fix 15 things, focus on the few that matter most:
emotional regulation
safety and self-harm prevention
substance use stabilization
core skills that keep a teen alive and improving
Tony shares a principle that reflects clinical wisdom:
“The ultimate sophistication is simplicity.”
3) Start Aftercare on Day One
In short-term settings, the team must ask immediately:
What happens if insurance denies tomorrow?
What if we only get 45 days?
Who is the next provider?
What supports must be built right now?
This shift is essential to the future of adolescent treatment—because it makes aftercare part of treatment, not an afterthought.
A Warning for Parents: Predatory Short-Term Models Exist
Tony offers an important caution:
Some short-term treatment models aggressively market online, promise unrealistic results, take what insurance will pay…
…and fail to deliver.
The damage can be serious:
teens feel like failures
parents lose hope
families think “nothing works” when the real issue was poor expectations and poor strategy.
That’s why this episode emphasizes realistic goals:
✅ The goal isn’t instant perfection. ✅ The goal is changing the trajectory “five degrees” in a healthier direction.
The Strongest Research Insight: Parents Who Grow Create Better Outcomes
One of the most powerful moments in the episode is Tony’s research-based insight:
For years, people believed the biggest indicator of long-term outcomes was the teen’s relationship with a clinician.
But Tony shares that something else now predicts success even more:
Parents who go through a parallel growth process during treatment.
In simple terms:
The teen might or might not “drink from the nutrition” of treatment
But parents who do their own work create better outcomes at 1-year, 3-year, and 5-year follow-ups
This completely reframes the future of adolescent treatment:
Treatment isn’t only about fixing a teen. It’s about upgrading the entire home environment they return to.
Why “Home Contracts” Often Fail After Discharge
Dr. Thayne and Tony discuss a common tool many programs use: home contracts.
Tony calls them BECs:
Boundaries
Expectations
Consequences
The problem isn’t the concept.
The problem is the environment shift:
In treatment, boundaries are enforced by trained staff
At home, parents suddenly must become “expert staff” overnight
And the contract itself often has zero power, because teens don’t follow it just because it’s signed.
Real aftercare in the future of adolescent treatment has to go beyond a paper contract.
It must become: ✅ operational ✅ visual ✅ actionable ✅ supported consistently at home
Trust Is Like a Plant (And Teens Want a “Payday Advance”)
Tony shares an unforgettable metaphor:
Trust is like a plant.
It takes time to grow… but it can be cut down in 10 seconds.
The challenge is that teens often want trust restored instantly:
They ask for a “payday advance” on trust:
“Trust me now.”
“I’ve been clean for 5 days.”
“Why don’t you believe me?”
Parents say no.
Teen loses hope.
Acting out returns.
Parents feel justified.
And the plant never grows.
This is why the future of adolescent treatment needs clearer paths at home:
Teens can accept a trust deficit if they can see a clear path forward.
The Future of Adolescent Treatment Requires a “Home Team” (Not One Magic Fix)
Tony’s final principle is one of the strongest takeaways of the entire episode:
Stop looking for the answer in one place.
Not:
one program
one therapist
one pill
one intervention
Instead, create a team.
Tony encourages parents to assemble a “home team” across levels of care—and become the quarterback:
outpatient therapist
school support
academic specialist
medical support
family coaching
community support
When families build that team around the teen…
that’s when progress is protected.
This is the future of adolescent treatment: connected care, not siloed care.
Key Takeaways (Quick Summary)
If you only remember a few things from Episode 5, remember these:
The future of adolescent treatment is shifting toward short-term care
Short-term treatment can send teens home “undercooked”
Insurance can end with almost no notice
Short-term models require aftercare planning on day one
Better outcomes happen when parents grow too
Home contracts fail without real support at home
Trust needs a clear path, not vague hope
Build a home team—and be the quarterback
FAQ
What is the future of adolescent treatment?
The future of adolescent treatment includes more short-term residential care due to insurance limitations—making aftercare, transition planning, and parent growth more important than ever.
Is short-term treatment effective for teens?
Short-term treatment can be effective when expectations are realistic and families build strong aftercare support immediately, especially for the most critical “big ticket issues.”
Why is aftercare critical after teen treatment?
Aftercare protects treatment gains once a teen returns home. Without aftercare, many teens regress because home life lacks structure, support, and consistent follow-through.
Show Up at the Door of Discharge: The Powerful Hope-Filled Plan Every Parent Needs
What does it really mean to show up at the door of discharge ready?
Not “hopeful-but-panicked.” Not “trying to control everything.” Not “still traumatized by the past.”
In Episode 4, Dr. Tim Thayne interviews Kristin Oliver, a mother who walked through years of fear, uncertainty, and treatment decisions—and discovered what helped her show up at the door of discharge with confidence when her daughter came home.
This is one of the most practical, relatable episodes of the season because it’s not theory.
It’s a real parent story—with real tools you can use immediately.
Kristin’s Story (And Why So Many Parents Will Relate)
Kristin shares how things escalated over time—especially in the years following COVID.
Her daughter experienced:
intense bullying and peer rejection
self-harm
multiple suicide attempts
depression and anxiety
a recent autism diagnosis
drug use and risky behavior
After trying short-term programs without lasting results, Kristin reached a breaking point:
She didn’t know how to keep her daughter safe anymore.
And like many parents, she faced the most painful decision of all: placing her teen in out-of-state long-term treatment.
Why Long-Term Treatment Worked Differently
Kristin describes a key difference that stood out immediately:
Her daughter said, for the first time, she felt seen as a person—not a problem.
That kind of connection wasn’t just “nice.” It became the foundation for everything that came next.
The program didn’t rush progress.
They expected trust-building to take time—especially in the first 90 days—because complex cases don’t heal quickly.
This detail matters because it helps parents understand something important:
✅ Trust is built before change is sustained.
The Surprise Discharge Threat That Parents Fear Most
One of the most intense parts of this episode is when Kristin describes the email that changed everything:
On November 25, she was told insurance was no longer going to cover treatment.
She described losing her breath, collapsing in the kitchen, and catastrophizing—because she had experienced sudden discharge before.
Some programs had said:
“You have 72 hours to pick up your child.”
That moment introduces one of the most important reminders in the entire episode:
You must be ready earlier than you think.
Because sometimes, you don’t get to choose the timeline.
The Best Advice in the Episode: Start Transition Planning Day One
Kristin shares a line every parent should hear:
The day you drop your kid off is the day you start transition planning.
Not because you’re pessimistic.
But because discharge can come faster than you expect—and the cost of being unprepared is huge.
She also recommends understanding your insurance system early, so you don’t get blindsided.
That alone can help you show up at the door of discharge with less panic and more stability.
What’s Missing in Most Transition Plans (And Why They Don’t Last)
Dr. Thayne explains a problem he’s seen repeatedly:
Transition plans are often vague, reactive, and rushed—especially when insurance suddenly ends.
Many plans focus on generic checkboxes like:
“continue therapy”
“keep structure”
“get support”
But families need more than general advice.
They need:
✅ clarity ✅ ownership ✅ support for parents too ✅ tools that actually work in real life
Kristin adds something even more important:
If the home environment doesn’t change, how can the outcome change?
Parents are part of the system—so transition planning must include parent growth too.
The 3 Things That Help You Show Up at the Door of Discharge With Confidence
Kristin shares the exact preparation shifts that helped her show up at the door of discharge with strength.
1) Build a Support System for You (Not Just Your Teen)
Parents often focus on supports for the child:
therapy
structure
school plan
accountability
But Kristin says parents need to ask:
“What is my support system going to be?”
Because isolation fuels fear.
And fear fuels overreaction.
A parent group helped her normalize what she was feeling and stop spiraling.
2) Get a Parent Coach or Therapist (So You Don’t Repeat Old Patterns)
Kristin describes something most parents avoid:
Looking inward.
Facing the “resume of failures” and asking:
“How do I need to show up differently?”
“What boundaries do I need to hold?”
“What do I do when I’m triggered?”
This is one of the biggest reasons families struggle after discharge:
✅ Parents want change… but haven’t practiced change under pressure.
Coaching gives you a plan for how to lead when emotions spike.
3) Remember: Your Teen Isn’t the Same Person You Dropped Off
This is huge:
Your teen has grown.
They’ve practiced skills in a supportive environment.
And when parents treat them like the “old version,” it often causes regression.
Kristin warns that fear can make parents unintentionally create the same dynamics that existed before treatment.
So if you want to show up at the door of discharge with confidence:
you have to see the progress clearly—even when you feel scared.
The Parenting Paradox: Control Less, Influence More
Kristin describes one of the biggest breakthroughs after discharge:
Let go of controlling the outcome.
That doesn’t mean “be passive.”
It means stop letting fear dictate your leadership.
Parents often try to control outcomes in two ways:
clamping down harder
avoiding hard topics to prevent conflict
Both are fear-based.
And both lead to less stability—not more.
Kristin describes using choice-based language and accountability in a way that helped her teen step up instead of fight back.
The Timeout Strategy: A Simple Tool That Prevents Explosions
Kristin explains how they practiced a “timeout” strategy at home:
When emotions rise and thoughts race:
✅ pause ✅ step away ✅ regulate ✅ return to the conversation calm
This works because it prevents two destructive patterns:
consequences decided in emotional dysregulation
conflict that pushes your teen farther away
She noticed that before treatment, she let emotions drive her parenting…
…and it only created more distance and chaos.
Timeout gives the family a reset button—so you can show up at the door of discharge with a home culture that stays stable.
A Healthy 8/10 Relationship (And What That Actually Means)
Kristin rated their relationship as an 8, but described it as a healthy 8.
They had connection before—but it included codependency.
Now, it includes:
healthier boundaries
stronger leadership
less emotional enmeshment
more independence for her teen
That’s what long-term trust looks like:
Not perfect… but stable and sustainable.
What They’re Doing Now That’s Working (60 Days After Discharge)
Kristin shares the habits that are helping them stay consistent:
✅ frequent check-ins ✅ connection over correction ✅ parent support groups ✅ using Trustyy tools (including AI) to stay grounded ✅ viewing each day as an opportunity (not a trauma replay)
She also describes a phased transition plan:
first 30 days: keep the world small
then gradually expand freedom with maturity
And the conversations feel completely different:
Not “I control this.”
But:
“How much time do you think is reasonable—and how do we monitor it together?”
That mindset is exactly how you show up at the door of discharge with leadership and peace.
Key Takeaways (Quick Summary)
If you want to show up at the door of discharge with strength, remember:
start transition planning on day one
prepare for insurance surprises early
build support for parents too
don’t parent from trauma and fear
use timeout and grace to stay regulated
focus on connection over correction
treat your teen like the growing person they are becoming
FAQ
What does it mean to show up at the door of discharge prepared?
It means having a plan, support system, and emotional tools so you can lead your teen’s transition home with confidence instead of panic.
How can parents reduce anxiety before discharge?
Support groups, coaching, and preparing early (even from day one) help reduce fear and prevent last-minute chaos.
Why do parents struggle after their teen comes home from treatment?
Many parents carry unresolved trauma from the crisis period and end up parenting from fear. Tools like timeouts, check-ins, and structure help rebuild stability.
Ownership in Transition Planning: The Powerful Breakthrough That Changes Everything
If you’ve ever worked hard to create a “coming home plan” for your teen—only to watch it disappear within days or weeks—this episode is for you.
In Episode 3, Dr. Tim Thayne shares an insight that hit him like “a ton of bricks” after decades of helping families transition teens from treatment back home:
The missing ingredient isn’t more rules… it’s ownership in transition planning.
And once you understand where ownership belongs, everything shifts.
Why Most Transition Plans Collapse After Discharge
Transition planning usually happens before a teen leaves treatment.
Parents identify concerns. Expectations are written down. Consequences are discussed. Everyone agrees.
And then… real life returns.
Within a couple of weeks, that plan often becomes:
forgotten
ignored
avoided
or worse: a trigger and a battleground
Dr. Thayne calls this a fatal flaw in aftercare: Parents are typically the owners of the plan.
So when things get hard, the teen doesn’t protect the plan—because it doesn’t feel like their plan.
That’s why ownership in transition planning changes everything.
The “Aha” Moment: We’ve Been Starting the Process Backwards
Dr. Thayne explains that for years, his team refined transition plans over and over:
home contract
rules and consequences
plan for moving forward
The plans became clearer, more supportive, and more realistic.
But even after all those improvements… the structure still had one problem:
Ownership stayed with the parents.
And when ownership stays with parents, teens often respond in one of two ways:
They resist harder (because it feels like control)
They comply short-term (until the pressure fades)
Neither creates long-term trust.
That’s why ownership in transition planning is the true foundation.
The Real Problem Teens Resist Isn’t Responsibility — It’s Control
One of the most important lines in this episode is simple:
Teens don’t resist responsibility… they resist control.
When the plan feels like something parents impose, teens push back—even if the plan is reasonable.
But when teens author the plan, something changes:
they protect it
they defend it
they take pride in it
they follow through because it’s tied to identity, not pressure
That’s the core power of ownership in transition planning.
How to Flip the Dynamic (Without Losing Leadership)
To be clear: this isn’t about parents stepping out completely.
Parents still lead.
But the structure shifts:
✅ Teens drive the plan ✅ Parents support and consult ✅ Therapists guide insight and accountability
Instead of parents saying: “Here’s what you need to do to earn freedom.”
The teen learns to say: “Here’s what I want—and here’s what I’m going to do to prove I’m ready.”
That’s ownership in transition planning in action.
MyPath: A Gamified System That Builds Ownership Before Teens Come Home
Dr. Thayne describes MyPath inside the Trustyy app as a step-by-step experience teens can work through while still in treatment.
Why that timing matters:
Early in treatment, teens often feel resistant, defensive, or angry.
But near the end, something shifts:
they have more insight
they’ve gained emotional tools
they can reflect with wisdom
they’re more open to change
That’s the perfect moment to build ownership in transition planning.
MyPath guides teens through questions like:
1) “How did I get here?”
Not from shame—but from insight.
It helps teens reflect on:
what was stuck
what wasn’t working
what they contributed
what they’ve learned
2) “What do I want when I get home?”
Not just:
“I want my phone back”
“I want no curfew”
But a real vision:
freedom
trust
connection
stability
3) “What barriers stand in the way?”
This is where ownership becomes real.
Instead of parents solving the obstacles, teens learn to solve them.
That’s the difference-maker: ownership in transition planning moves the responsibility to the teen’s side of the table.
The “Rosetta Stone” Moment: Why This Unlocks the Teen Brain
A leading expert in adolescent treatment heard these ideas and said:
“You’ve given me the Rosetta Stone.”
The Rosetta Stone helped decode what previously felt impossible to understand.
In the same way, ownership in transition planning helps decode something parents struggle with every day:
teens want freedom
parents want safety
both want trust
but the dynamic keeps turning into conflict
Ownership unlocks a new path where both sides can finally work toward the same goal.
Parents: Your New Role Is Consultant, Not Controller
Dr. Thayne gives a practical example about a teen wanting a “barn party.”
When parents own everything, the pattern becomes:
parent sets conditions
teen negotiates
parent enforces
teen tests limits
But in an ownership model, the teen builds a plan like:
what they want
what they’ll do to earn it
how they’ll follow through
what maturity looks like in real actions
Then the parent can respond like a consultant:
“I love your vision. Here’s what would make this plan stronger.”
That subtle shift keeps teens engaged—because they still own the outcome.
That’s what ownership in transition planning is designed to create.
The Parenting Trap: “Skeet Shooting” (And Why It Backfires)
They describe a dynamic many parents recognize instantly:
Parents throw out ideas trying to help…
And teens “shoot them down” instantly:
“That won’t work.”
“That’s stupid.”
“No, I’m not doing that.”
“You don’t get it.”
The more parents suggest, the more teens resist.
It’s exhausting. And it kills progress.
But with ownership flipped, parents stop throwing ideas into the air.
Teens bring a plan.
Parents consult.
And the conflict drops dramatically.
Why This Is a Game-Changer for Aftercare
Here’s the hard truth:
Most aftercare plans fail not because they’re bad plans… but because they’re not owned by the teen.
When teens own the plan:
✅ follow-through improves ✅ trust grows faster ✅ parents stop relying on threats ✅ freedom becomes earned, not fought for
That’s why ownership in transition planning can change the entire trajectory after treatment.
Key Takeaways (Quick Summary)
Most transition plans collapse because parents own the plan
The missing ingredient is ownership in transition planning
Teens resist control more than they resist responsibility
MyPath helps teens author their own plan before discharge
Parents become consultants—not controllers
Ownership creates follow-through, trust, and long-term change
FAQ
What does “ownership in transition planning” mean?
It means the teen authors the plan for coming home, including the steps required to earn trust and freedom—while parents support and consult.
Why do transition plans fail after teen treatment?
Most plans fail because the teen didn’t create them. Without ownership in transition planning, the plan quickly becomes ignored or conflict-triggering.
How can parents shift ownership without losing control?
Parents stay in leadership—but move from controlling every detail to consulting a plan the teen owns.
The Silver Lining of Sending Your Teen to Treatment: How to Turn Today’s Anxiety Into Tomorrow’s Hope
If your teen is currently in treatment—or getting close to coming home—there’s a good chance you’re living in two worlds at once:
One part of you feels relief, hope, and gratitude.
The other part feels fear, pressure, and anxiety about what happens next.
In today’s podcast episode, Dr. Tim Thayne sits down with Roxanne Thayne to reframe what many parents experience as the most stressful part of the process: the weeks before your teen transitions home.
And the big idea is this:
This moment isn’t just scary… it can also be full of opportunity.
Why the “Transition Home” Can Feel So Heavy
Dr. Thayne describes a predictable pattern families go through after treatment, including what he calls the “Excitement Phase.”
That phrase surprises a lot of parents.
Because for many families, it doesn’t feel like excitement at all.
It feels like:
“What if everything falls apart again?”
“What if they relapse?”
“What if we end up back where we started?”
“What if we do all this work… and lose it?”
And those fears are understandable. You’ve lived through real pain.
But this episode introduces a powerful shift:
✅ The emotions you feel are real… and they don’t have to decide your future.
The Beliefs Under Your Anxiety Matter More Than You Think
One of the most important points in this conversation is this:
Your beliefs shape your emotional reality—and often your outcomes.
When anxiety takes over, it usually comes from a deeper belief like:
“Real change won’t last.”
“This only works in treatment because everything is controlled.”
“The minute they come home, we’ll lose everything again.”
The invitation here isn’t to “ignore fear.”
It’s to identify what belief is feeding it… and challenge that belief with something better.
Because when your belief shifts, your leadership shifts.
And when your leadership shifts, your family system shifts too.
Step One: Name the Hard Thing You’re Actually Facing
Roxanne shares a simple but powerful tool: not all “hard moments” are the same.
Sometimes what you’re feeling is:
Disappointment (unmet expectations)
Obstacle (something blocking progress)
Struggle (a long season requiring continuous effort)
Crisis (a dramatic turning point)
Failure (something that didn’t work)
Fear (dread, anxiety, anticipation of danger)
When you name the category, you stop treating everything like an emergency.
And that alone reduces overwhelm.
The Silver Linings Toolkit: What to Do When You Feel Stuck
Once you can identify what you’re facing, you can respond with tools instead of panic.
Here are the practical tools shared in the episode:
1) Truth
Ask: What is one truth I can hold onto right now? Example: “Deep down, my teen loves me—even if it doesn’t look like it today.”
2) Gratitude
This doesn’t mean pretending things are perfect. It means finding one solid thing that keeps you grounded, like:
“We found the right help.”
“We’re not alone.”
“We’re moving forward.”
3) Quotes That Rebuild Perspective
Roxanne shares this quote from Henry Ford:
“Failure is simply the opportunity to begin again, this time more intelligently.”
Sometimes one sentence can pull you out of the spiral and back into strength.
4) Affirmations
Your brain is always rehearsing a story—positive or negative.
Instead of repeating fear-based mantras like: “I can’t handle this” or “They’ll never change…”
Try something like: “My teen is getting better every day—and so am I.”
5) Meditation
One of the most emotional parts of the episode is the reminder that:
your teen’s best self is not gone forever.
Sometimes it helps to remember:
who they were as a little child
the love you felt at the beginning
the deeper “essence” you know is still there
That memory can restore compassion and hope in the middle of chaos.
Rewriting the Family Story (Without Denying Reality)
Dr. Thayne connects this to narrative therapy:
When families go through trauma, the brain starts filtering reality through pain—until the negative story becomes “the truth.”
But you can rewrite your story, not by faking positivity…
…but by intentionally choosing what you focus on.
Because the story you repeat becomes the future you prepare for.
The Practical Side: How Parents Can Prepare for Success at Home
Belief is powerful—but planning matters too.
A big takeaway from this episode is that many programs focus heavily on treatment…
…but not always on what happens after.
So as your teen gets ready to come home, you need a plan that includes:
clear expectations
realistic phases (including a “testing phase”)
ongoing support
a structure your teen can own (not just you forcing it)
One of the goals is to help your teen build ownership so the plan isn’t parent-driven forever.
Change Is the Most Powerful Move You Can Make
One of the most important lines in the episode is this:
You can’t change your teen. But you can change you.
And that changes everything.
In family systems, one person changing creates new emotional gravity. It invites new behavior without forcing it.
Change becomes influence.
And influence becomes leadership.
Don’t Skip This Part: Celebrate Progress
Celebration can feel strange when your family has been through something heavy.
But celebrating progress does something important:
✅ it validates growth ✅ it reduces shame ✅ it reinforces momentum ✅ it turns treatment into something meaningful—not just painful
Roxanne shares a story about seeing a sign in an airport that read:
“Welcome home, Abby — 21 days sober.”
That moment wasn’t about perfection.
It was about honoring effort and progress—publicly, without shame.
And parents need permission to do that too.
Key Takeaways (Quick Summary)
If you only remember a few things from this episode, remember these:
The transition home can be an opportunity—not just a fear-filled moment
Your beliefs shape your emotions and your outcomes
Not every hard moment is the same—name what you’re facing
Use practical tools: truth, gratitude, quotes, affirmations, meditation
Rewrite the story you keep repeating
Plan intentionally for life after treatment
Celebrate progress (even if it feels early)
Final Encouragement
If your family is in a hard season right now, you’re not alone.
And the goal isn’t to pretend it’s easy.
The goal is to step into this moment with:
✅ clarity ✅ support ✅ a plan ✅ and a bigger vision than fear
Because your teen’s return home doesn’t have to mark the beginning of a new crisis.
It can mark the beginning of a new story.
FAQ
Is it normal to feel anxious before my teen comes home from treatment?
Yes. Anxiety is extremely common because parents feel pressure to “get everything right.” The key is learning how to lead through it.
What’s the “excitement phase”?
It’s the phase right before transition home—where anxiety is common, but opportunity is also high if families plan well and reframe their thinking.
How do I keep momentum going after treatment?
Support + structure + ownership. Your teen needs a plan they participate in, not just rules they follow.
When a teen is in treatment, progress can feel real and measurable—structured schedules, professional support, and consistent accountability.
But the hardest part often starts after discharge:
How do families keep that momentum going at home?
In the Season 5 premiere of the Not By Chance Podcast, Dr. Tim Thayne (author of Not By Chance and founder of Trustyy) and Roxanne Thayne introduce a new season focused on one mission:
Take what works in treatment and make it usable—daily—at home.
Key Takeaways From This Episode
Treatment works… but real life is messy.
Aftercare plans often fail because follow-through is difficult.
The biggest missing ingredient is consistency over time.
Trustyy was built to make aftercare scalable and affordable through:
Technology
Curriculum
Coaching
Trustyy’s new guided path (MyPath) helps teens build trust by taking ownership.
Why Aftercare Is So Hard at Home
Treatment programs can act like a controlled environment—carefully designed to reduce distractions and support growth.
But home life is different.
Home includes:
stress and old patterns
emotional triggers
busy routines
inconsistent follow-through (even with great intentions)
That transition is exactly where many parents feel stuck: they leave treatment with a plan… but struggle to keep it alive.
The Problem Isn’t the Plan — It’s the Follow-Through
Many families create a solid “coming home plan” at discharge: boundaries, expectations, agreements, and structure.
Then weeks pass.
And suddenly, reopening the plan feels heavy—because parents know it might trigger conflict.
That’s why, even with a good plan, progress can fade: not because families don’t care… but because consistency is exhausting.
The Real “Make or Break” Factor: Consistency Over Time
Dr. Thayne highlights a principle that applies to almost every major change:
We don’t get results from good intentions—we get results from consistent follow-through.
Consistency is hard because:
parents avoid painful conversations
emotions escalate quickly
conflict drains energy
it feels easier to “let it go” than to restart the plan
Trustyy was created to solve this exact gap in adolescent aftercare.
Introducing Trustyy: A 3-Part System for Adolescent Aftercare
Trustyy is designed to bring structure, clarity, and follow-through into everyday home life by combining three essential pieces:
1) Technology: The Trustyy App
The Trustyy app helps families stay consistent with less emotional friction.
Instead of endless debates, parents can point back to a system everyone can see:
expectations
privileges
responsibilities
agreements
It becomes clear, predictable, and less reactive—helping parents follow through without constantly “being the bad guy.”
Trustyy AI is also a powerful feature for real-life situations:
conversation scripts for hard moments
brainstorming parenting strategies
helping teens plan responsibly in a structured way Season 5 Premiere_ Trustyy – Th…
2) Curriculum: Proven Parenting Frameworks
Trustyy includes a library of educational resources built from decades of aftercare experience.
Families can access:
the Not By Chance audiobook (free forever)
structured parenting content
training and guidance designed for real-life follow-through
3) Coaching: Community + Support That Keeps You Going
Consistency is easier when you’re not doing it alone.
Trustyy includes coaching opportunities through guided parent groups where families can:
get support
learn strategies
ask questions
connect with others who understand the journey
MyPath: Helping Teens Build Trust Through Ownership
One of the most exciting tools introduced is MyPath, a guided experience inside Trustyy designed for parents and teens.
A key insight is simple:
Teens are more likely to follow a plan they help create.
MyPath is designed to help teens build trust through:
maturity
responsibility
follow-through
And it’s planned to be gamified, making it more engaging and less intimidating for families.
The Trustyy Herd: Why the Elephant Matters
Trustyy refers to its parent community as the “Trustyy Herd.”
The elephant symbolizes:
trust
strength
leadership
nurturing family connection
The goal is for parents to feel supported—learning from others who have been through it, and staying consistent with a clear framework.
Final Thoughts: Aftercare Doesn’t Work by Chance
Season 5 is built around helping parents do one thing better than ever:
Bring the best of treatment into the real world—at home.
Because family progress doesn’t happen by accident.
It happens through leadership, clarity, and consistency—not by chance.
FAQ
What is adolescent aftercare?
Adolescent aftercare is the ongoing support a teen and family receive after treatment, designed to help maintain progress, prevent relapse, and build long-term stability at home.
Why do aftercare plans fail at home?
Most aftercare plans fail because real life is unpredictable and consistency is difficult—especially when parents avoid conflict or don’t have a system to support follow-through.
What is Trustyy?
Trustyy is a system combining technology, coaching, and proven curriculum to help parents stay consistent, reduce emotional conflict, and keep treatment momentum going at home.
You know how the proverbial cobbler’s kids often go without shoes?
Well, it’s also true that parenting experts will knock themselves silly banging their heads against walls with their own teens.
You’d assume the degrees proudly framed on our walls, the yearly accumulation of CEUs, the impressive reading lists, and decades of focus on parenting principles would find us bravely facing off with adolescence.
Calm. Confident. Squinting as we whisper, “Bring it on!”
But the truth is, all parents get distracted. (Them: Mom, what’s for dinner? Me: Just let me send this email. Them: You said that half an hour ago! Me: Fine. Fruit Loops it is.)
And all parents eventually show some fatigue. Our eyes show it. Our because-I-said-so comebacks show it. Our lack of skills to successfully engage in the battle of wills—or on behalf of our children—are dead giveaways.
AND . . . it’s also true that most of us desperately try to “do right” by our kids.
So how do we balance the ideal with the “real” of parenting? Can we share the truth of what is happening in our family with others who are struggling with theirs?
Yes. But it takes more than using a sweet Anne Shirley voice and nightly repeating, “Tomorrow is another day, with no mistakes in it.” Though that oft-repeated mantra is a great parenting hack.
Lucky for you, we’ve snagged a mere three ways for you to keep from buying into the perfect parent myth—while still committing to upgrade your parenting prowess.
I bet you’re tired of carrying that guilt.
Let it go by remembering . . .
Comparison is the thief of joy . . . so catch it and lock it away
It’s not just teens who are routinely beat up by the parade of perfect parents in our media. My daughter shared an influencer’s reel of making Fruit Loops for her kids’ breakfast. From scratch! Yes. It’s a thing.
When we find ourselves at the end of a long day—exhausted and scrolling—we are unwittingly exposing ourselves to the staged, polished, and edited versions of someone else’s good ideas. It might look effortless as a finished product, but it wasn’t.
They are scripted, re-recorded, and captioned with the wisest and pithiest advice AI could spit out on the subject. Oh, and also reshot when their pooch was showing.
But this happens in person too. For example, most of my young adult children chose not to go to college. Just when I think I’ve made peace with it—the fact that they somehow missed the overt message from all the football games at our alma mater or the framed snapshot of us in our caps and gowns on the bookshelves—the month of May rolls around.
Suddenly I’m flooded with beaming graduates smiling up from gold foil announcements and 20-image Instagram posts reminding me of my parenting failures.
The disappointment and mental chatter rush to my mind as quickly as the blood to my cheeks. (Maybe we shouldn’t have homeschooled them over some of those years. Or perhaps we stuttered when reminding them they are the first in five generations not to attend that university.)
Suddenly we can only see our rejected dreams—and miss the opportunity to cheer them on in how they are brilliantly chasing down their own. Never mind the good that is being accomplished; we deeply feel the let-down of a kid who didn’t get everything on his wishlist from Santa.
One day, while whining to another mother about this troubling lack of desire for higher education, I was taught a valuable lesson. Though her daughters were studying law and nursing at different universities, she admitted, “Yeah, but your kids want to have kids. I can’t figure out what I did to make my daughters not want to have babies.” What a revelation! She felt disappointment too?
To combat this tendency to focus on our lacks, we teach our Trustyy Herd parents to imagine themselves holding a massive yellow highlighter in their arms. Then to take the top off that marker and sweep it back and forth over one great thing your kid is doing. Make it pop off the page and hit you between the eyes when your attention starts wandering to greener pastures.
Okay, we’ve caught and locked up “comparison.” Now let’s talk about you . . .
Parents can be moody . . . so teens walk on eggshells
The stereotypical moody teenager is a regular character in sitcoms and at our dinner table. They have ways of sucking the joy out of the room with an exaggerated eye roll or a crusty comment. Just cast your mind back to this morning, and you’ll probably be able to fill in more colorful details on this character.
But we parents are frustratingly human too. We come saddled with a physical body that gets tired and chemically imbalanced. We have social stressors (i.e. fruit-loop-making influencers), pressures at work, and feelings of ineptitude.
Though we try to be the adults in the room, there are times we slip into self-centeredness.
“If we are carrying the weight of the world, shouldn’t the world revolve around us?” we ask. Uh, no can do.
But here’s some good news: it’s natural to feel ebbs and flows in our energy, outlook, and ability to maintain our wise minds. We aren’t horrible. We aren’t losers. We’re parents doing the best we can with the resources we have—and the foggy memories of how we were parented.
Cut yourself some slack when you slip into one of those valleys. You may notice family members tiptoe out of whatever room you enter. That’s a good sign that you’re normal . . . not yourself.
Those crow’s feet and gray hairs you’re battling will attest to the fact that you’ve been around a while—and know from experience that you’ll eventually come through this mood.
And if you are being intentional about it, you’ll come out knowing yourself and your family just a little bit better for the hike it took.
Repeat after me: “Tomorrow is another day with no mistakes in it.” Thanks, Anne.
So what about apologies? Yes, let’s go there . . .
Model mistakes . . . and recoveries. It’s in our job description.
One of the most vivid images of my lack of perfect parenting was as I stood on the landing at the top of the stairs. My 16-year-old son and I were arguing about the sorry state of his bedroom. He has a firm command of the English language and wields it like a pithy screenwriter for Law & Order.
The more rounds we went in the argument, the more befuddled I became. I felt like I was losing control.
We both knew I’d finally lost it when I screamed at him until spit literally flew out of my mouth. My eyes widened in shock. Well . . . that was lovely. I couldn’t believe how unladylike I had become and what a ghastly visual that must have produced for him. It became one of my most regretful mothering lowlights.
I shut my mouth tight (no one wanted anything else flying out) and stomped down the stairs to shed a frustrated and mortified tear or two in private.
Later that night, I stepped my humbled and subdued self back up the stairs to find my son. “My love? I’m sorry I lost control like that. I know better. I should have walked away sooner when we started raising our voices.”
True to this boy’s warm and forgiving nature, he said, “I’m sorry too, Mom. I love you.” And just like that (insert a snap), it was over. The tension seeped out of my body.
It’s not necessarily a bad thing for a teen to see their parents flare or flub up. It’s normal. It happens. And we never promised we’d be perfect. (Because if we did, we’d have been called out as ignorant and arrogant.)
The flip side of an interpersonal parenting mistake is that we have the opportunity to model the recovery too. We can be the leader our families need and demonstrate how to recover hope, goodwill, and the relationship.
To Sum Things Up
We get it. You’re not perfect. We’re not perfect. And parents will likely never be. But let’s review the three truths that can help you continue on your journey to be just a little more perfecter . . .
Comparison is the thief of joy . . . so catch it and lock it away for good: Pull out the massive yellow highlighter and get some perspective on the blessings embedded in the teen you’ve been given.
Parents can be moody . . . so teens walk on eggshells: Sometimes there is a Freaky Friday role reversal between parent and teen. When it happens, stop it, change it, and allow yourself some grace.
Model mistakes . . . and recoveries. It’s in our job description: When you catch yourself mid-tirade—or in any other misstep—follow through with a sincere apology and watch the magic melting of the ice that was beginning to frost over your relationship.
How do we escape the myth of parenting perfection?
We become intentional students of the role of parents. We study the scripts. We watch others for ideas. We ask for direction.
We bring our years of love and insight to bear on the relationship with our teen.
Oh, and revealing a hidden box of Fruit Loops from the pantry is another effective parenting tool. Your family will think you are perfect . . . even if it is only for that perfect moment.