Think about a machine. What does it do? How does it perform efficiently? How is it assembled? Every machine is a little different with all the moving parts, but the one thing all machines have in common is that they all need grease to work properly or there’s potential for a lot of friction.
Grease keeps a machine running, just like trust keeps a relationship running. When a relationship has mutual trust, communication is easier; everything is easier and amazing things can happen. Without trust, a relationship is like a wheel without grease—it doesn’t work. Trust plays a fundamental role in every relationship.
Although trust is easy to break and difficult to get back once it’s broken, with time and effort it is possible to become realigned and create a relationship that is stronger than ever.
Here are a few practical tools and ideas for you to rebuild trust with your teen.
Consider Initiating the Trust
A lot of times, teens are in a position where they’re not confident enough or don’t have a strong desire to build trust. In this case, you as a parent will have to be the one to initiate it. Begin by evaluating your own shortcomings and start to repair the trust from your end. Identify your own choices and recognize that you might not be quite where you need to be for your teen to really trust you. Then, make a list with your co-parent about what is possibly tearing apart your relationship with your teen. Once you’ve done this, be straightforward and sincere in your proposal to rebuild the trust with your child.
Help Your Teen Understand Why Trust is Important
It’s powerful to let your teen know that the lack of trust between you has brought your relationship to a halt, just like a wheel would without grease. If you don’t do what you need to do to repair it, the components of the relationship are in serious danger of permanent damage. Find a good time to have this conversation and let them know of your sincere desire to strengthen your relationship. When they can see that you’re working to do your part and there is mutual understanding, it’ll be easier for them to open themselves up and build mutual trust again.
Don’t Force It
Trust is mutual—if one side isn’t ready to fully trust again, you can’t force it on them and make it happen right away. When you have the conversation, let your teen know that you don’t expect an answer right away and give them time to think about things. Their side of the story is just as valid as yours, so take the time to hear them out and understand where they’re coming from.
These initial steps are crucial when it comes to rebuilding trust with your teen, and following through with your commitment to change will be an important element as well. Think about the meaningful relationships in your life and think about what you can do to improve them—trust is a powerful thing, so go ahead and harness it.
If you would like to hear more about this topic, you can listen to the Not by Chance Podcast episode “Trust in a Relationship is Like Grease in a Wheel” with Dr. Tim Thayne on Apple Podcasts or Spotify.
When you think of the word minimalism, what comes to mind? Maybe you think of Marie Kondo’s hit Netflix show. Maybe you think of a millennial who doesn’t have time, space, or money for a lot of material items. Or maybe you think of a plain home lacking character. There are a lot of misconceptions when it comes to minimalism, but the reality is that it can be great for your family, your personal life, and your budget.
One of our transition coaches, Sonya Rodriquez Ph.D., has implemented minimalism into her life and has seen a drastic change in her family and home for the better. Dr. Thayne sat down with Sonya and discussed the benefits of this lifestyle and possible strategies for jump-starting and maintaining this change.
Materialism requires more and more while minimalism reinforces the message that less is more. Sonya describes minimalism as clearing clutter in every way—email inboxes, kitchen cabinets, closets, clothes, home decor—she points out that clutter requires maintenance, so it’s better to reduce that clutter to make more time for what really matters. If you’re spending all of your time managing the clutter in your life, you don’t have time left for your valued relationships.
Years ago, Sonya saw photos from a photographer who asked individuals from different cultures to bring all of their possessions out into the front yard. He photographed the items then published them. Sonya’s eyes were opened to how little other cultures lived with, and she realized that the American photos had exponentially more items than any other photos. With four kids, many toys, and an abundance of things, Sonya decided to simplify her family’s life by adopting a minimalist lifestyle.
One out of 10 American households have a storage unit, while one in four Americans with a two-car garage can’t even park one car inside because of the clutter. If you are in this situation and want to change, Sonya offers five tips that can help you or your teen simplify life and cut back on clutter.
1. When You Bring Something In, Take Something Out
The first rule of minimalism is to evaluate what you are buying and bringing into your home. A good rule of thumb is: when you bring something in, get rid of something else. You can donate it to someone in need or to your local Goodwill store so you know it will be appreciated. This is a great way to keep your clutter to a minimum and give to those in need.
2. Try Wearing 33 Items in 3 Months
At the beginning of Sonya’s minimalism journey, she took a long trip with her husband where she only wore 33 items in the entire three months (excluding workout clothes and pajamas). This helped her realize how little she truly needed and jump-started her journey to simplifying her life. If you’re looking for a good place to start, try doing something like this. You will be surprised by how much you can do with a few great pieces of clothing.
3. Get Out of the “Just in Case” Mindset
We all fall into the scarcity mindset from time to time—it’s inevitable, especially during times of uncertainty and difficulty. However, it’s important to get out of that mindset and not to keep things “just in case.” If you haven’t used something in the past year, you most likely won’t need it in the near future. Sonya recommends the 20/20 rule to help you decide when to let things go: if you can get it for $20 or travel 20 miles or less to get it, it’s best to donate that item or get rid of it.
4. Gift Experiences Rather Than Items
Over the past decade or so, people (especially younger generations) have started to see the value of experiences rather than things. If you want to give someone a thoughtful gift, Sonya suggests “gifting” them an experience. You could give flight vouchers, Airbnb gift cards, a National Parks pass, or even tickets to see the latest movie. There are endless possibilities that come with gifting experiences, and people will most likely remember and appreciate it more than another material item.
5. Use Others’ Things
Borrowing or renting items from others is a great way to build community, help people out, and experience everything you want without having to clutter your home with more material items. Sonya did this by renting an RV to go on a camping trip with her family—they were able to rent the RV, have a great trip, use the items inside the RV, and give it back when they were done. This helped the hosting family out by providing some extra money for the rental, and Sonya’s family got to experience the camping trip without purchasing an RV and everything inside. You can also return the favor by letting others borrow things only you have. It helps you, helps them, and creates more connections in your community.
If you would like to learn more from Sonya Rodriguez and Tim Thayne about how a minimalist lifestyle can help your family, check out this episode:
Giving feedback is a necessary form of communication and can be applied in many different facets of life—parenting, work, school, religious responsibilities, and more. For some, receiving feedback can be difficult, especially when the person is firm in their habits and opinions. On the other hand, when feedback is given too late, the consequences of one’s actions are already inevitable. Regardless, feedback is an important part of life and should be welcomed when the situation permits.
But what about those times when feedback isn’t helpful? In the aftermath of an unfortunate situation, the last thing your teen wants to hear is what they should have done differently. They most likely know what they should have done differently, but that advice would have been very helpful before the unfortunate situation occurred in the first place. At Not By Chance, we like to call this feedforward. It’s similar to feedback, but it’s almost always more beneficial because it can help someone avoid doing something they regret. In a nutshell, feedforward can keep someone from making a preventable mistake.
Knowing the difference between feedback and feedforward can help your teenager find more success and joy in their journey by minimizing the pain they feel along the way. Some pain is of course necessary and inevitable for growth, but giving them feedforward can help set them up for a great life ahead.
The Blind Man Metaphor
If there is a blind man approaching a set of stairs, it is unhelpful to tell him to watch out for the staircase after he has fallen down. He now knows the staircase is there and he’s facing the consequences of his actions—whether it’s a few bruises or even a broken bone. Feedforward would have been given as someone saw the blind man at the top of the stairs, stopped him, and let him know there was a staircase ahead. They might also have led him to the handrail so he could make it down safely. This would have saved him from injury.
It sounds like a simple principle, but when you are working with teens, it’s hard to know how your feedforward will be received. There are a few things that factor into their reaction that you should consider. First, if you’re not careful, feedforward can come off as judgmental, controlling, or lecturing. Your teen might not be in the right headspace to receive what you have to say. If this is a roadblock you experience, try assessing your delivery and see how it can be improved. If you come from a place of sincere love and concern, your kids will be more likely to accept what you have to say.
Another Real Example of Feedforward
Another example that might help as a parent to navigate the feedforward process is an experience I had. I injured my neck as a result of chipping ice off the driveway with a pickaxe one winter. I had to cut my family vacation short and spent Christmas alone because I was in such severe pain. I spent the next few months recovering, and it was a long, painful road.
A few years later I was using the same pickaxe in my yard, and my son (knowing what happened last time), offered to take over for me because he was concerned about my neck injury. My son knew what could happen if I continued working with the pickaxe, so he stepped in to help. This could have saved me from another few months of painful recovery.
In Conclusion
Sometimes your teens will receive your feedforward well, but sometimes they won’t. The best thing you can do is lead with love. Don’t deliver it in a judgmental or degrading way—let your child know you love them and want the best for them, which is why you are offering your advice.
It’s important to remember that even if they don’t listen to what you have to say, they will still learn a valuable lesson out of the experience and you can have peace of mind knowing you have done everything you can to set them up for success.
To learn more about this topic listen to the Not by Chance Podcast Episode: “Give Feedforward Not Feedback” on Apple Podcasts and Spotify.
Raising teenagers can be challenging, especially when they are dealing with mental health issues, substance abuse, or behavioral problems. During these difficult times, having a supportive community can make a world of difference. As the saying goes, “It takes a village to raise a child,” and this is especially true when your child becomes a teenager.
The secret weapon to building a strong support system is to create an engaged home team that includes people from different aspects of your life. Here are three important tips for building a supportive home team for raising teenagers:
1. Find At Least One Team Member
The first thing you’ll want to do to build your home team community is to get at least one team member. Moving from zero to one team member can make a greater difference than growing from two to fifteen. It may seem daunting to find even one person you trust enough to confide in, but it’s so important to have someone in your corner. Once you have that one person, it becomes easier to find more.
When you’re looking for your first team member, look for someone who knows and cares about your child. It’s important for them to be invested in your child’s well-being, and you should be able to trust them completely. Having even one extra person in your corner can make a world of difference!
2. Be Vulnerable
It is important to be vulnerable with people you can trust. You don’t have to open up to just anyone though—it’s a difficult process and opening up to the wrong person could cause more harm than good in the long run.
Being vulnerable can be scary, but it will help you build stronger relationships with the people on your home team. They’ll be able to understand you and your child better, and they’ll be more willing and able to offer helpful advice when you need it. It can be difficult to open up about what’s going on in your life or in your child’s life, but it’s worth it to build those trusting relationships. When we’re vulnerable with others, they are more likely to be vulnerable with us, which ultimately cultivates a stronger sense of community.
3. Look for Opportunities to Serve
One of the best ways to build a supportive home team community is by looking for opportunities to serve on another’s home team. There are a few reasons for this. First, serving on someone else’s home team can help you understand people better on your own home team. You can know exactly where they’re coming from, how they might be feeling, and how you can better support them. Second, serving others always elevates your life. The time you spend serving others is time well spent, and you never know how you could impact someone’s life for the better.
People are wired to love. Without giving back and providing service to somebody else, our life is not very meaningful. So look for ways that you can help out on someone else’s home team. It will lighten your load, lighten their load, and elevate everyone involved.
A supportive home team
Everyone (including your child) deserves to have a strong support system that has their back no matter what. When your teenagers feel loved and supported even through their most difficult trials, they are more likely to become successful, productive members of society as adults.
Building a home team from scratch can seem intimidating at first. That’s totally normal—it’s a vulnerable position to be in, and you don’t want to feel like you’re putting anyone out by asking them to be a part of your tight-knit community. However, reaching out to others is the first and most important step you’ll take in the process. Just remember that you’re not alone in this, and there are people who want to help you. Trust us, we’ve been there too.
If you want to learn more about this topic, check out the Not by Chance Podcast on the Apple Podcast app, Spotify, or anywhere you listen to your favorite podcasts.
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