How often do you walk away from a challenging conversation with your teen feeling like your relationship is better than it was before the conversation started? If you are anything like most parents, it’s more likely that you walk away from those conversations feeling drained. If this sounds familiar Solution Talk will provide a breath of fresh air to your parenting.
So, what is Solution Talk?
Solution Talk is a communication framework that emphasizes solution-focused conversations, where the focus is shifted from dwelling on problems to actively seeking and implementing solutions. It is a departure from traditional problem-focused discussions that often lead to blame, criticism, and defensiveness. Instead, Solution Talk encourages a forward-moving approach, empowering both parents and teenagers to work together in finding mutually beneficial solutions.
“The power of Solution Talk lies in the understanding that what you focus on determines your outcomes. By placing your attention on solutions, you open doors to new possibilities and opportunities.”
– Dr. Tim Thayne
The benefits of Solution Talk for parents and teens are far-reaching. For parents, Solution Talk provides a means to effectively engage with their teenagers, gain deeper insights into their thoughts and perspectives, and strengthen the parent-child bond. By employing Solution Talk principles, parents can create a supportive environment that encourages open dialogue, understanding, and collaboration.
For teenagers, Solution Talk offers an opportunity to have their voices heard and respected. It empowers them to actively participate in problem-solving discussions, fostering a sense of ownership and responsibility for their decisions. Solution Talk allows teenagers to express their thoughts, concerns, and ideas without fear of judgment or dismissal, enhancing their self-esteem and confidence.
In the Solution Talk master course, we provide 11 short lessons that cover various aspects of Solution Talk. We explore the foundational principles, practical techniques, and common challenges associated with Solution Talk. Each lesson provides valuable insights, real-life examples, and actionable strategies to help you apply Solution Talk in your everyday interactions with your teenager.
By mastering Solution Talk, you will:
- Cultivate a more positive and constructive communication dynamic with your teenager.
- Deepen your understanding of your teenager’s perspectives, thoughts, and feelings.
- Improve conflict resolution skills and find win-win solutions.
- Foster mutual respect and strengthen the parent-teen relationship.
- Empower your teenager to take ownership of their actions and contribute to problem-solving discussions.
- Enhance your own listening, empathy, and problem-solving abilities as a parent.
- Create a supportive and collaborative family environment that encourages growth and development.
The Solution Talk master course equips parents and teens with the necessary tools and techniques to navigate challenging conversations, address conflicts, and build a foundation of understanding and collaboration.
Are you ready to dive into the Solution Talk Course and unlock the keys to effective parent-teen communication?
The Solution Talk master course will be available in the Trustyy app when it launches in the fall of 2023. Subscribe to our newsletter to stay informed about launch.
Communication is one of the most important aspects of life. It allows for connection on every level. In order to be successful in any relationship, it’s important to be able to communicate well. The following suggestions can help to minimize or eliminate the misunderstandings, contention, and apathy that can often derail our family conversations.
Be a Listener First
When it comes to understanding one another, language is obviously a key factor in healthy communication, but the one truth we often miss is that the power position in a conversation is starting as the listener.
Winston Churchill said, “Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak. Courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen.” A lot of us tend to want the speaker role first. One reason is that we think we have something important to say, but what you have to say won’t matter if you don’t understand what the other person’s ideas or feelings are or how to respond to them.
Being the listener first and the speaker second will allow you to empathize, modify how you feel if necessary, and approach the conversation in the healthiest way possible. This will give you an advantage when it is your turn to speak. You’ll be able to summarize what was said so it’s clear to them that you understand, even if you don’t completely agree with them. It will also help them realize that you see their perspective and are ready to have a healthy, mature conversation about it.
Be Self-Aware in Conversations (verbally and non-verbally)
The next thing you’ll want to do is have enough self-awareness to know the boundaries in the situation and to be able to tell the difference between your feelings, the other person’s feelings, and facts. When you are able to separate those things from each other, you can speak responsibly and convey your feelings in a way that can be accepted by the other person when they’re in the listening position. If you go ahead and state everything as fact, the listener can’t be fully present because they can’t accept that what you’re saying is a universal truth.
When you’re the speaker, avoid personal attacks, elevating your voice, and letting your body language make you look like you’re disinterested. These are all things that shut down communication, which is the opposite of what you want to do. Communication is verbal and non-verbal, so you could be sending non-verbal messages that make you difficult to listen to without even knowing it.
Balance is key
The balance between listening and speaking is important in communication, and when you have a healthy amount of both, you can facilitate great, productive conversations.
If you would like to learn more about listening and speaking in regards to communication, you can find our two-part episode of the Not by Chance Podcast on Apple Podcast or Spotify.
Think about a machine. What does it do? How does it perform efficiently? How is it assembled? Every machine is a little different with all the moving parts, but the one thing all machines have in common is that they all need grease to work properly or there’s potential for a lot of friction.
Grease keeps a machine running, just like trust keeps a relationship running. When a relationship has mutual trust, communication is easier; everything is easier and amazing things can happen. Without trust, a relationship is like a wheel without grease—it doesn’t work. Trust plays a fundamental role in every relationship.
Although trust is easy to break and difficult to get back once it’s broken, with time and effort it is possible to become realigned and create a relationship that is stronger than ever.
Here are a few practical tools and ideas for you to rebuild trust with your teen.
Consider Initiating the Trust
A lot of times, teens are in a position where they’re not confident enough or don’t have a strong desire to build trust. In this case, you as a parent will have to be the one to initiate it. Begin by evaluating your own shortcomings and start to repair the trust from your end. Identify your own choices and recognize that you might not be quite where you need to be for your teen to really trust you. Then, make a list with your co-parent about what is possibly tearing apart your relationship with your teen. Once you’ve done this, be straightforward and sincere in your proposal to rebuild the trust with your child.
Help Your Teen Understand Why Trust is Important
It’s powerful to let your teen know that the lack of trust between you has brought your relationship to a halt, just like a wheel would without grease. If you don’t do what you need to do to repair it, the components of the relationship are in serious danger of permanent damage. Find a good time to have this conversation and let them know of your sincere desire to strengthen your relationship. When they can see that you’re working to do your part and there is mutual understanding, it’ll be easier for them to open themselves up and build mutual trust again.
Don’t Force It
Trust is mutual—if one side isn’t ready to fully trust again, you can’t force it on them and make it happen right away. When you have the conversation, let your teen know that you don’t expect an answer right away and give them time to think about things. Their side of the story is just as valid as yours, so take the time to hear them out and understand where they’re coming from.
These initial steps are crucial when it comes to rebuilding trust with your teen, and following through with your commitment to change will be an important element as well. Think about the meaningful relationships in your life and think about what you can do to improve them—trust is a powerful thing, so go ahead and harness it.
If you would like to hear more about this topic, you can listen to the Not by Chance Podcast episode “Trust in a Relationship is Like Grease in a Wheel” with Dr. Tim Thayne on Apple Podcasts or Spotify.
Giving feedback is a necessary form of communication and can be applied in many different facets of life—parenting, work, school, religious responsibilities, and more. For some, receiving feedback can be difficult, especially when the person is firm in their habits and opinions. On the other hand, when feedback is given too late, the consequences of one’s actions are already inevitable. Regardless, feedback is an important part of life and should be welcomed when the situation permits.
But what about those times when feedback isn’t helpful? In the aftermath of an unfortunate situation, the last thing your teen wants to hear is what they should have done differently. They most likely know what they should have done differently, but that advice would have been very helpful before the unfortunate situation occurred in the first place. At Not By Chance, we like to call this feedforward. It’s similar to feedback, but it’s almost always more beneficial because it can help someone avoid doing something they regret. In a nutshell, feedforward can keep someone from making a preventable mistake.
Knowing the difference between feedback and feedforward can help your teenager find more success and joy in their journey by minimizing the pain they feel along the way. Some pain is of course necessary and inevitable for growth, but giving them feedforward can help set them up for a great life ahead.
The Blind Man Metaphor
If there is a blind man approaching a set of stairs, it is unhelpful to tell him to watch out for the staircase after he has fallen down. He now knows the staircase is there and he’s facing the consequences of his actions—whether it’s a few bruises or even a broken bone. Feedforward would have been given as someone saw the blind man at the top of the stairs, stopped him, and let him know there was a staircase ahead. They might also have led him to the handrail so he could make it down safely. This would have saved him from injury.
It sounds like a simple principle, but when you are working with teens, it’s hard to know how your feedforward will be received. There are a few things that factor into their reaction that you should consider. First, if you’re not careful, feedforward can come off as judgmental, controlling, or lecturing. Your teen might not be in the right headspace to receive what you have to say. If this is a roadblock you experience, try assessing your delivery and see how it can be improved. If you come from a place of sincere love and concern, your kids will be more likely to accept what you have to say.
Another Real Example of Feedforward
Another example that might help as a parent to navigate the feedforward process is an experience I had. I injured my neck as a result of chipping ice off the driveway with a pickaxe one winter. I had to cut my family vacation short and spent Christmas alone because I was in such severe pain. I spent the next few months recovering, and it was a long, painful road.
A few years later I was using the same pickaxe in my yard, and my son (knowing what happened last time), offered to take over for me because he was concerned about my neck injury. My son knew what could happen if I continued working with the pickaxe, so he stepped in to help. This could have saved me from another few months of painful recovery.
In Conclusion
Sometimes your teens will receive your feedforward well, but sometimes they won’t. The best thing you can do is lead with love. Don’t deliver it in a judgmental or degrading way—let your child know you love them and want the best for them, which is why you are offering your advice.
It’s important to remember that even if they don’t listen to what you have to say, they will still learn a valuable lesson out of the experience and you can have peace of mind knowing you have done everything you can to set them up for success.
To learn more about this topic listen to the Not by Chance Podcast Episode: “Give Feedforward Not Feedback” on Apple Podcasts and Spotify.
