What if you could read your teen’s thoughts about themselves? Would their story of their worth match yours about them? Dr. Thayne talks about how the stories we choose to tell ourselves can lead to vastly different outcomes, ranging from destructive to a springboard for success.
“As we get stronger, our family gets stronger.” In today’s episode, Dr. Thayne introduces listeners to Casie Fariello, the CEO of “Other Parents Like Me,” a virtual membership platform that went live in January of 2022. Casie retired from United Airlines after 26 years in December of 2022 to follow her passion to co-found the program after creating parent support groups at Balance Continuum of Care in Arizona in 2020 and is a Parent Coach and Facilitator for The Partnership to End Addiction.
In this episode of the Not By Chance Podcast, they discuss the fact that parents all deal with similar issues around good communication, setting boundaries, self-care and self-regulation. While it’s easy to judge or compare your situation to others, it’s imperative to find common ground with others through a journey of curiosity, change and discovery.
Dr Tim Thayne interviews Dr. Timothy Smith, a psychologist and professor of counseling psychology at Brigham Young University. As social beings, we are wired for connectivity. Dr. Smith and Dr. Thayne discuss research-based solutions for parents to deepen connections and change unhealthy patterns inside the family. Learn universal principles that can help you achieve a balance between connection and leadership with your teen.
Eating disorders are some of the deadliest mental illnesses, and many teens struggle daily with this issue. However, they often go unnoticed and undetected because of the silence and secrecy surrounding them. Eating disorders can be associated with a lot of shame, and those affected are typically very good at hiding it—even from those closest to them.
Because of this, it’s important to be able to recognize the early signs of eating disorders and know how to help your teen when you suspect that something is wrong. One of the hallmarks of an eating disorder is shame. When a person gets into an eating disorder, they start to have unhealthy thoughts and believe that they’re bad, unwanted, fat, ugly, worthless, and all-around terrible. This couldn’t be further from the truth, but the first thing that will help you help your loved one is to understand how they are feeling.
What to Watch For
Hypersensitivity and Perfectionistic Tendencies
When your teen is struggling with an eating disorder, you may notice that they’re more sensitive to comments or criticism, and they tend to develop perfectionistic tendencies. It might feel like you’re walking on eggshells around them—you could say the same thing on two different days and get two completely different reactions. It can feel a little like an emotional rollercoaster, so if you notice that your teen is acting this way, you’ll want to dig a little deeper and see what the issue is.
Heightened Awareness of Food or Obsession Over Food
Another early sign of an eating disorder is a new obsession over food. You might notice that your teen is more concerned with reading labels, counting calories, becoming pickier, trying out new diets, or suddenly placing dietary restrictions on themselves by going vegan or vegetarian. These aren’t always bad things, but you’ll want to watch for them if you suspect that your teen is developing an eating disorder.
Withdrawing From Family, Friends, or Hobbies
As mentioned earlier, eating disorders thrive in secrecy and solitude. Teens who develop eating disorders will often withdraw from friends and family as well as activities that they would typically enjoy. Heightened anxiety around food and social events is a huge reason teens with eating disorders tend to isolate themselves. It is easier for them to have control over their food habits when they are alone.
How to Help
Find the Deeper Issue
Eating disorders typically don’t happen overnight. There are multiple reasons teens develop this type of mental illness, and it’s important as a parent that you dig deep and really try to understand your child. Instead of trying to fix the problem right off the bat, understand that they are in a vulnerable state. They’re worried about what people think of them, they’re afraid of being judged, and they feel broken. Letting them know that you’re there to understand and help will go a long way.
Don’t Focus on Body Talk
Saying things about their body (positive or negative) can be harmful when your teen is dealing with an eating disorder. Avoid talking negatively because they’ll think that their body is a problem that needs to be fixed. On the other hand, saying things like “you look so healthy” can make them think they look fat, or “you look great” can make them think that they should continue with their eating habits. Body talk is usually very triggering for someone with an eating disorder, so focus on complimenting all of the other wonderful things about your teen.
See Them As More Than Their Eating Disorder and Encourage Them to Get Help
The most important thing you can do is realize that your teen is not their eating disorder, and they can overcome it. When you really understand where they’re coming from, they will feel comfortable talking to you about it and you can help them get help through therapy and treatment.
To learn more, listen to our Not by Chance Podcast episode “Eating Disorders and Early Intervention,” where we sat down with eating disorder expert Mike Gurr and discussed the topic in-depth. You can find us on Apple Podcast or Spotify.
Everyone deals with stress from time to time—it’s perfectly normal. In fact, it helps us progress in life. If you don’t experience at least a little bit of stress, you should probably check your pulse because you might be dead. However, stress and overwhelm start to get unhealthy when there’s too much of it and you are unable to cope.
When things get too overwhelming, it’s important to know how to recognize those feelings, how to keep a healthy level of stress in your daily life and do what you need to do to overcome them. Here are a few things you can do to better your life and stop feeling overwhelmed.
1. Know What’s Triggering Your Stress
When you’re feeling stressed to the point of overwhelm, the first thing you need to do is figure out exactly what is causing it. It’s really important that you know where your stress is coming from. Feeling stressed without knowing why is a major cause of overwhelm, and it’s harder to overcome it if you can’t pinpoint why it’s happening. People tend to get stuck in that place.
2. Learn to Manage Your Emotions in the Midst of Change
Change can be a huge trigger of stress and anxiety. For example, when teens first enter the treatment setting, they may be pulled out of their homes and forced to adapt to a new “normal.” They don’t have the ability to fall back on their escapes, like Netflix, movies, gaming addictions, or other things. When these escapes are taken away, they can really learn to manage their emotions and address the issue the right way.
One great way to learn how to manage emotions is to start noticing the intrusive thoughts and worries that come to your mind. Awareness is the first step, and being intentional when quieting your mind can make a huge difference as you learn to cope with stress. When you have a clear mind, it is easier to complete your tasks and tackle your issues one by one, which reduces stress and overwhelm.
3. Create a Plan to Overcome
One misconception surrounding stress and overwhelm is that you have to overcome it all at once. Start to turn the tide and better your life by doing a number of small things every day. Small but impactful things you can do to overcome stress are: become aware of your triggers, learn how to manage your emotions, and find someone you love and trust to talk with.
Just like we all have stress in our lives, we have the strength to overcome it and stop feeling overwhelmed. When you figure out what’s important in your life and learn how to manage your emotions, you can have the power to let go of what doesn’t matter to you and prioritize what does. Hold onto hope and your life will continually get better.
To learn more, listen to our Not by Chance Podcast episode “Overcoming Overwhelm” on Apple Podcast or Spotify.
Communication is one of the most important aspects of life. It allows for connection on every level. In order to be successful in any relationship, it’s important to be able to communicate well. The following suggestions can help to minimize or eliminate the misunderstandings, contention, and apathy that can often derail our family conversations.
Be a Listener First
When it comes to understanding one another, language is obviously a key factor in healthy communication, but the one truth we often miss is that the power position in a conversation is starting as the listener.
Winston Churchill said, “Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak. Courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen.” A lot of us tend to want the speaker role first. One reason is that we think we have something important to say, but what you have to say won’t matter if you don’t understand what the other person’s ideas or feelings are or how to respond to them.
Being the listener first and the speaker second will allow you to empathize, modify how you feel if necessary, and approach the conversation in the healthiest way possible. This will give you an advantage when it is your turn to speak. You’ll be able to summarize what was said so it’s clear to them that you understand, even if you don’t completely agree with them. It will also help them realize that you see their perspective and are ready to have a healthy, mature conversation about it.
Be Self-Aware in Conversations (verbally and non-verbally)
The next thing you’ll want to do is have enough self-awareness to know the boundaries in the situation and to be able to tell the difference between your feelings, the other person’s feelings, and facts. When you are able to separate those things from each other, you can speak responsibly and convey your feelings in a way that can be accepted by the other person when they’re in the listening position. If you go ahead and state everything as fact, the listener can’t be fully present because they can’t accept that what you’re saying is a universal truth.
When you’re the speaker, avoid personal attacks, elevating your voice, and letting your body language make you look like you’re disinterested. These are all things that shut down communication, which is the opposite of what you want to do. Communication is verbal and non-verbal, so you could be sending non-verbal messages that make you difficult to listen to without even knowing it.
Balance is key
The balance between listening and speaking is important in communication, and when you have a healthy amount of both, you can facilitate great, productive conversations.
If you would like to learn more about listening and speaking in regards to communication, you can find our two-part episode of the Not by Chance Podcast on Apple Podcast or Spotify.
Think about a machine. What does it do? How does it perform efficiently? How is it assembled? Every machine is a little different with all the moving parts, but the one thing all machines have in common is that they all need grease to work properly or there’s potential for a lot of friction.
Grease keeps a machine running, just like trust keeps a relationship running. When a relationship has mutual trust, communication is easier; everything is easier and amazing things can happen. Without trust, a relationship is like a wheel without grease—it doesn’t work. Trust plays a fundamental role in every relationship.
Although trust is easy to break and difficult to get back once it’s broken, with time and effort it is possible to become realigned and create a relationship that is stronger than ever.
Here are a few practical tools and ideas for you to rebuild trust with your teen.
Consider Initiating the Trust
A lot of times, teens are in a position where they’re not confident enough or don’t have a strong desire to build trust. In this case, you as a parent will have to be the one to initiate it. Begin by evaluating your own shortcomings and start to repair the trust from your end. Identify your own choices and recognize that you might not be quite where you need to be for your teen to really trust you. Then, make a list with your co-parent about what is possibly tearing apart your relationship with your teen. Once you’ve done this, be straightforward and sincere in your proposal to rebuild the trust with your child.
Help Your Teen Understand Why Trust is Important
It’s powerful to let your teen know that the lack of trust between you has brought your relationship to a halt, just like a wheel would without grease. If you don’t do what you need to do to repair it, the components of the relationship are in serious danger of permanent damage. Find a good time to have this conversation and let them know of your sincere desire to strengthen your relationship. When they can see that you’re working to do your part and there is mutual understanding, it’ll be easier for them to open themselves up and build mutual trust again.
Don’t Force It
Trust is mutual—if one side isn’t ready to fully trust again, you can’t force it on them and make it happen right away. When you have the conversation, let your teen know that you don’t expect an answer right away and give them time to think about things. Their side of the story is just as valid as yours, so take the time to hear them out and understand where they’re coming from.
These initial steps are crucial when it comes to rebuilding trust with your teen, and following through with your commitment to change will be an important element as well. Think about the meaningful relationships in your life and think about what you can do to improve them—trust is a powerful thing, so go ahead and harness it.
If you would like to hear more about this topic, you can listen to the Not by Chance Podcast episode “Trust in a Relationship is Like Grease in a Wheel” with Dr. Tim Thayne on Apple Podcasts or Spotify.